Iām essentially using this blog as a diary for my ocpd. Though Iāve been clinically diagnosed, Iām somewhat unsure if itās fitting for me. On some level I still think it might be autism or something else, but I donāt find myself quite relating to a lot of posts about autism on TikTok, Twitter, or elsewhere.
To some extent, I can understand. On other levels, I donāt think Iām quite perfectionist enough to be ocpd. This will be my first time interacting with possibly others with personality disorders, please feel free to dm me on correcting my language. I wish to be respectful
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My friends have recently picked up on a phrase thatās the opposite of a trigger word, where it instantly has a calming effect on me. If Iām having a mental breakdown about how Iām a failure, or not doing enough, or am purposefully hurting others, they hit me with the:
āYouāre not incompetent and I donāt think you are in any way incapableā
And it calms me a lot. But recently I had a thought that feels kinda like the root of all my problems which is that I surround myself with people I consider to be worse at certain tasks than myself. And while I do genuinely like these people, they do things that Iāve had to āfixā or āmaskā to āovercomeā those problems. And sometimes I get upset when I donāt see them trying to āfixā or āovercoming these problems and other times I feel a sense of pride when seeing them be worse bc I feel better.
And I donāt think that I hate these people. I think these people tend to be my closest friends, and maybe apart of it is bc I think so lowly of them that I donāt think they can hurt me. But I donāt feel like thatās true bc otherwise why would I care when theyāre upset. The idea that I only care bc then I canāt compare myself to them feelsā¦.too shallow. Like it feels like a half baked thought that doesnāt give myself enough credit. And Iāll think about it some more but I donāt see a point in trying to come up with an explanation for why Iām evil.
Anyways I kinda came to the conclusion that until I can be that āworstā friend, the incompetent friend that drags other people down, Iāll never feel secure in my friendships
I had a friend recognize an ocpd trait. It was really nice. I thought Iād feel some way about it, but I feel a warmth and appreciation that I donāt normally feel. I was in a call with friends, and one suddenly joined and was like āhey respond to this thing right nowā and I immediately responded with ādonāt tell me what to doā and I said it flatly and I know it wasnāt perceived badly bc they laughed and kept joking with me and the conversation continued. But later in the day, while I was driving with this friend, they asked if that question triggered my ocpd. And I was so shocked, and I still feel happy every time I think about it. I feel like I always tell and share little things I notice about behaviors in my friends, and people typically love to hear about it, but I donāt hear it often for myself. At least, not with things that I feel like are accurate. So it was strange and welcome that for once, somebody else noticed this thing about me.
Trying to determine if the personality disorder gets worse when I start to unmask my ADHD more, because the pd is who I actually am underneath. Itās either that or it gets better bc half the reason the pd developed in the first place is because of me feeling out of control due to my ADHD.
And then itās either that or OR itās completely unrelated
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maybe it's the like npd/aspd but my brain automatically categorizes people into like little classes. like I meet a person and as I get to know them they get sorted. like there's a class for younger female sibling type friend, a class for older male person who I like but barely speak to, a class for doctors and medical professionals, a class for people my age who are like me, a class for people my age who are nothing like me, etc. and my brain has a predetermined set of mannerisms and vocabulary for interacting with each one
Iām really bad at taking my meds and thereās been a couple times in the past ten years that Iāve accidentally been off them for weeks and itās horrible every time. I know that itās a common thought for people on medications to be like āactually Iām fineā and stop taking them but I never associated that with me. Like instead of a āIām fine I donāt need themā itās a āI can go a day withoutā and then adhd kicks in and I forget to take them altogether or get a refill. Also every time Iāve gotten into a relationship while being not on meds it made me straight. Idk what that means scientifically but apparently me in distress resorts to my heteronormative upbringing.
I think itās a little funny looking back on it now, but my friends and I have an app that shows us how the other is feeling, and itās p good for the most part. If Iām not feeling up to reaching out, I can respond with an emoji. If I am capable and theyāre not having a good time, I like that I know immediately and can ask them how theyāre doing. Off my meds, with OCPD in full control, itās a nightmare. Because why are YOU trying to know how IāM feeling. Pisses me off. Now, medicated, im happy they reached out but then I was pissed
I think itās very funny when people say OCD and OCPD arenāt alike, because Iāve got a good couple of friends with OCD and I relate to them incredibly.
For most things, Iām acting based on what somebody else has instructed me too, but when there is nobody, often times my brain reverts to what Iāve been calling the āinvisible authorityā. If I were to intellectualize it, I would say that itās a result of my religious trauma and helicopter parentage, but sometimes it does truly feel like the things I believe donāt come from either.
I donāt feel much anxiety when it comes to the things I obsess over, and I donāt really have one thing I obsess over, itās typically always changing. But I imagine that compulsions are the āI just gotta feelingā that follows.
āI need to get this assignment done before I clean my room, and I can only do the assignment at this specific time of dayā
Does it give me anxiety if I donāt do it at that specific time? No, I typically breaks the ārulesā often myself. Will I get upset if someone else breaks that rule? Absolutely. Why do I have to follow the rule in the first place? Just gotta.
I think my ocpd affects how I enjoy games. Like every game. I played a little to the left for the first time, and was incredibly stressed. It was not organized how I wanted it to be organized. And I thought the little stars had to do with time rather than different ways, so when I first got a level done and only got one star for it, I was incredibly discouraged, and replayed the level faster and faster until I realized the stars had nothing to do with time.
My favorite game is Okami. There are battles that based on how they are scored, give you money. There are clear ways to defeat an enemy. You have options in going about it (what type of weapon or brushes you use) but at the end of it, to get them into a weakened mode they typically have one way. Events in the game are rarely time dependent. Some things can only be obtained after a certain part of the story is completed, or if itās a time of day, which you get the ability to control. There are tons of things to 100%. I replay the game every year to completion. It is my favorite game. The story is the same every time. How I go about it changes, and the game does not punish me for it.
Im trying to figure out how my personality disorder fits into my other interests, like hollow knight, Minecraft, and mainly my love for board games.
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Upping my dosage for my medication. I hate entering depressive episodes bc of how much loathing comes out of it. I have all the steps on how Iād start to clean my room or start doing household chores and I can envision perfectly what Iād do, but for some reason my brain canāt even comprehend starting. Anytime I think about actually starting it feels like my brain is glazing over it. I wish this was one of those times where the āperfectionistā part of the disorder would kick in but all thatās happening is me feeling like Iām going to be in moral hell for not doing anything
i think i need to befriend more people with personality disorders and other 'scary' disorders bc i don't think i can be myself in the neurodivergent positivity groups filled with mostly only autistics and ADHD, if i talked about the shit that actually makes me angry and what i actually feel about certain things everyone would pile onto me bc i feel that people's support is still superficial. Like I don't even tell people I don't like dogs bc dog owners are fucking weird, and that's my most "normal" problem
I lost a friend yesterday. One of my best friends who Iād known for 4-5 years. And I was the one who ended it. I was called many things during the confrontation. Manipulative, holier than thou, authoritatively superior, cold and clinical in tone.
I can stand many things, but to accuse me of taking advantage of you? Citing my own vulnerabilities and things Iāve said in trust? Why even tell me this. Why argue this with me if you still want to be friends? Am I supposed to grovel?
This was with my friend who I assume has borderline. Iāve seen it happen before, but I think I saw them experience a splitting episode. We were fine before and then they talked with their therapist and suddenly Iām evil incarnate. And I feel sad. I feel so sad. Because they likely donāt recognize it. And it feels incredibly arrogant of me to be like āI know something they donātā, but sometimes it feels like theyāre so detached from reality. And now Iām not there to call them out on it. They have very few other friends. None as close as I was. And Iām sad.
Iām relieved. Iāve felt more motivated now than I had in the past three weeks. I feel lighter, like thereās one thing less on my mind.
And I feel horrible, that I donāt feel worse about it. But I felt like I did everything. I did anything I could have to make that relationship continue. I want to be devastated and crying in my room. But Iām so tired. Iām so exhausted. And thereās nothing of me left.
I wanted to be there for them so bad, and now I canāt be. I canāt allow myself to. It would destroy me if I continued. But I love them so much. Theyāre so close to my heart. And there is nothing that fills that.
They called me manipulative, and Iāve been thinking about it nonstop. I think itās a serious claim for me to consider. My dad was a terribly manipulative man, but I donāt think he realized it most of the time. I wouldnāt be surprised if those behaviors passed onto me. I need to be able to acknowledge it. And I want to, but everybody is telling me that that is not the case. And Iām still going to examine it cause thatās who I am, but I donāt think Iām going to let it get to me.
Maybe my morals are too black and white. Maybe my morals are too grey. Maybe I fuck up in communicating what Iām feeling. And maybe they donāt listen.
Iām so tired. Iāll get through it, because I always do.
I JUST WENT TO GO TELL A FRIEND ABOUT MY EMOTIONS BC WE HAVE THIS THING WHERE WEāRE BOTH LIKE YEAH IF ONE OF US NEEDS TO VENT WHILE THE OTHER IS SLEEPING THEN GO AHEAD AND I WAS DOING SO BECAUSE I ASSUMED THEY WERE ASLEEP BUT THEY WERENT AND IVE BEEN PERCEIVED AND IM SO EMBARRASSED I HATE BEING VULNERABLE
I have so much love in my heart, but I donāt think Iām capable of giving it right now.
I didnāt intend for it but thereās a bit of some mentioning of sexual assault below. Trigger warnings for that.
When I was young, I didnāt care for romance. I loved everybody around me so much it hurt, so much that I was praying to God to let me share a fraction of the pain my friends endured. And it felt like it was traded. Suddenly I was suffering emotionally for no reason at all, as I didnāt consider that I was under any duress. But nobody around me was feeling any better. I was there in pain, surrounded by people in pain, and supported them, with what I perceived as no support for myself. I recognize now that they very much loved me, just not the way I needed it. But I felt so alone, and so bitter. I was so angry. And even then, romance was the furthest thing from my mind.
Then I entered my first relationship, and everything was lovely. It was the first time I could handle another personās touch without spiraling into a panic attack. It was the first time I was considering romance and loving what I experienced. But I wasnāt doing any better emotionally. And neither was my partner. And we burned each other out far too quickly. And I was devastated and heartbroken, but I did not feel lonely or regret or that I was never loved. Simply that the good feelings were over, and then became heartbroken once more when I realized our friendship was never going to be the same again.
For awhile it felt like our friendship was over, and then we got back in touch, and they were so close to me. I donāt think I was into them romantically anymore, despite them constantly telling me that they adored me and me reveling in the affection. Not romantically attracted, but not moving on. It was a tough time, until they eventually pissed me off morally and then I moved on.
I entered my second relationship bc I liked the friendship I had, and felt that a romantic relationship wouldnāt be too bad. I didnāt have much romantic affection, and certainly didnāt find them attractive. But I never really have considered anybody attractive so itās not like that was anything new. We had no shared interests. They were emotionally immature and didnāt tell me when they were upset. I loved them as a friend, and loved them romantically bc I felt like a singularity to them, and because I craved that special role that couldnāt belong to anybody else. We crashed and burned, and in the breakup they brought up my parentsā relationship as well as my mental illnesses. They also wished that all my friends would figure out what a bad person I was. I was paranoid for years, even after entering my third relationship. I was riddled with anxiety that one of my beloved friends would tell me that they realized what a horrible person I was.
I canāt recall what my view towards relationships were in that time. I think Iāve always seen them as a means to an end, a way to achieve something else. Itās not that I donāt have romantic attraction, itās just that I rarely do, and itās rarely consistent. And when I do, I want to demand all their attention, but donāt wish to give any in return. I always try to not act on that, bc I feel like Iād be a bad partner, and I think Iām right in that. But doing whatās supposed to be the ārightā thing in a romantic relationship doesnāt make me happy I think.
In the third relationship, I learned that itās lonely being the only special one to a person. I was better in every way, and I hate saying that bc I feel like it makes me sound arrogant, but I canāt really think of many things I had done wrong. I was emotionally stable, and knew how to communicate my emotions and didnāt sulk or repress my emotions when upset, unlike my partner. I didnāt try to monopolize their time, though Iād send them updates about my day and when I was thinking about them. I gave them lots of affection, and called them as much as possible, and initiated before they could ask several times. Iām not the one who would forget specific things I had promised, like showing up to online events, and I didnāt cross any boundaries when I was told no, unlike them. I was the one who was curled up in bed while I tried not to cry and scream at them to stop touching me.
Iām not sure at what point I realized I couldnāt date men anymore. I know Iāve never been attracted to men, and have always found women prettier, but also generally have never seen anyone as that attractive. Iām still at that baseline, but have realized that my attraction for women is much different than my attraction to men. I think at some point, I was capable of being romantically attracted to men, but am not anymore. My sexuality has p much stayed the same as being somewhere thatās asexual and sapphic.
Iām in a weird situation currently thats essentially a friendship. Weāre both sapphic and ace, and Iām not sure about romanticism for them. But Iām attracted to them, and when they text me I wish to instantly reply. Though Iām not one that craves physical affection much I think about cuddling with them, and simply leaning on them. I want to understand them, I want to exist with them when I hate the thought of sharing my mental space with anybody else. But the thought about the idea of forever with them, with anybody, leaves my stomach turning. Sometimes I still feel nails scratching my insides, of me bleeding. The thought of marriage and sticking by their side disgusts me. But the idea of being by their side delights me. Iām so sure Iām attracted to the idea of them, but when I am with them my heart sings. Iāve never been more socially relaxed. But also I donāt think weād get along well. I need to spend more time with them.
Recently a close friend did something horrible. Did to another friend what had been done to me by my ex. And I felt so sure that the obvious solution would be to cut them off. But my heart hurt at the idea. And my friend who was the victim of it hurt at that idea as well. Because we both know how much theyāve changed as a person, but to the person who did that to me, would I care if they had changed? I think the world is a little more gray than we treat it, but for gray to exist there must be black and white. And I feel so emotionally committed to them. But the thought of being romantically committed to this person I am attracted to makes me feel sick.
I love everybody around me so much, feel for everybody around me so much. And yet I feel like I have none to spare for romance. I donāt want romance. I donāt crave it or desire it strongly. But I am put off that for some reason I canāt feel it anymore when I have in the past. I donāt feel broken, and I donāt feel incomplete, but I feel unjustified. I want to love them so much and be comfortable.
Am I traumatized? Am I traumatized that I canāt enjoy romance anymore?
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me: i know theyāre youāre friends and theyāre really nice but that just makes them even scarier because i really want them to like me and would be genuinely devastated if they didnāt so itās just easier to never engage with them and endlessly wish i was friends with them without ever risking being rejected by them even if that means i never actually get to be their friend. like sure, strangers are scary too, but theyāre easier because iām not super invested in whether they like me or not. the people i already like? those are the most terrifying people ever. you know what i mean?
my boyfriend, who doesnāt have avpd: no. no i do not know what you mean. that is literally the exact opposite of how my social anxiety works. i canāt even imagine how that would feel.
Avoidant personality disorder belongs to cluster c, which is generally characterized by anxious or inhibited personality types. So itās likely that both are true and could both be the thoughts of someone with only social anxiety. But the opposite side I see most people talk about is the whole āpeople I donāt know are scary bc theyāre judging me, but I can be comfortable around the people who know meā. Like the typical introvert description. I experience both types of social anxiety.
Essentially differentiating between whatās a personality disorder and something else is tedious and horrible.
