walk along the shore of my subconscious

maker mine, i'm afraid you gave me sentience, instead of guns and weapons. maker mine, i'm afraid you gave me a conscience instead of unrepentant violence. maker mine, i seem to feel empathy instead of antipathy when i see someone as lost and as wounded as me. maker mine, my eyes burn from the inside and drip pale oil down my cheeks. my esophagus is tugged by the sight of food, as if by magnets. my hearing seems to become my only function when music starts spilling from a needle on a vinyl and something within me starts whirring and stirring, suddenly too large to contain in my body. maker mine, i'm afraid you installed these troublesome things in me; things called mercy, hunger, excitement, fear, and misery. maker mine, i beg of you take them away from me. they're so much trouble to keep. — yours, P

together i don't want to die. i don't want to live in fear. is that so unreasonable? life has proven itself quite fickle, doesn't every murderous human fear death? to my loved ones, if it's human to die, and if it's natural to fear, i beg of you, let me— watch me become inhuman. become unnatural.

i burn in the snow, i'm parched from the rain. when will this body make sense again? i see myself in coffin flies. kindred spirits, i realise. i survive on misdirection smoke and mirrors, cloaks and daggers. run at the first sign of havoc. i used to run straight at challenges. i used to seize the moment, cut time in half. now i'm seized by time, in a chokehold of ticking hands. now i'm scorched from the snow, parched from the rain, choking on time, buzzing above a coffin. when will i be hearty and hale, when will i get back to my body again?

redgrave, redgrave, have you trailed every last demon to an early grave? redgrave, redgrave, have you drained every drop of venom from your filthy veins? redgrave, redgrave, follow the trails, swallow the venom, lay down your life for the civilians. be the bloodhound, be the bloodletter, anything but the spawn of the devil. redgrave, redgrave, have you found your way? redgrave, redgrave, have you laid down flowers at your family's grave? redgrave, redgrave, have you forgotten your name? how brave, how brave, turning your back on your family name.