omniscient view of ms. numen

motivation aside i’d say this is the chapter that heavily encouraged me to reel back a bit and decide how i want the last few chapters of tsrfil to pan out to. you’d think it’s something that occurs with every chapter that i produce but i’m a heavy believer of chapters carrying its own different weight as far as storylines go. some will be heavy, some will be light and harshly filler, but it’s a statement in its own right to consider that all of these things: seriousness, nothingness, filler, contribute to the story as a whole. like some big puzzle picture where some puzzle pieces are interesting and some are not.

would you believe me if i said i leaked this chapter a year back? back when i was more of a smaller presence back in the space, though i carry the same heart as i’ve done in the past in terms of being a presence. i’m aware myself at how much i’ve grown in the rinsagi fandom as an author which, naturally follows, being talked about and in everywhere i see, i’m met with positive receptions and genuine love for the story i’m creating. like, i would never imagine seeing myself on tiktok for i created this story out of the love and spite in my own heart that has given me the ability to be the most love-driven, compassionate, i guess, “too much” of a person that i am today. i’ve grown enough in my own skin to love how i write and write similarly to my favorite authors that i look up to, and i’m still growing and living to my fullest capacity.

it’s true in a sense that tsrfil is a part of me and that i put my own heart into it, but it’s gone to the point where i view tsrfil as it’s own beating heart. it would’ve never become a separate thing if i didn’t pour myself entirely into it, much less give it the care i do today. that’s the thing i’m noticing about myself which i’m learning to appreciate—i cannot just be “casual” about things. i want to pour my heart into everything. i want to offer my all for, i think, if i didn’t, it’d be a betrayal to my own self.

my own sentimentalities aside, let’s talk about it: chapter 24. by all means i know how much of a cliché set-up going to the beach is, no less having a heart-to-heart there, but even then it returned me back into my own motivations for writing this to begin with: “i want them to have a talk where the world is beautiful.” to me it makes the scene more intimate and allowing myself to be familiarized with sceneries, this time, testing my hand at the beach specifically in a sunset. it’s simplest in its most complex way—the sound of the waves, seagulls, the appearance of the ocean, jet skiers, the clouds, etcetera. it’s the set-up that matters most to me, then the dialogue and emotions that follow through.

dialogue. we like dialogue. probably the most rawest we’ve seen isagi to date, or, maybe, a more intimate, open version being seen that has been hidden away in all of the chapters before this. so, you know, when editing the chapter, i realized a lot of isagi’s core themes revolve around the state, “permanence.” which is definitely a statement when canon isagi is circled around growth, change, adaptability, feeling the rush of evolving again and again and i admire his pursuit in his goals. writing this now i wonder how much of a dishonor it is to canon isagi’s character to assign tsrfil isagi the label of “permanence.” however, for tsrfil isagi it fits him perfectly. wanting to stay at the beach with rin forever, an eternity that both he and rin know could never be reached, and a lot of it is with isagi’s own thinking, “i want this peace to stay forever because i’ll never know when my body can betray me again.”

isagi opening up is the first time of seemingly many, yet even then and as human as i try to make him, boundaries are still present. it’s natural enough to be honest but it’s also natural in it’s own right to not be ready to tell rin all of his baggage in fear of it being too much and the fear of being too vulnerable. telling rin about his scar is an example of being open, but not showing rin is also an example of him being hesitant and unprepared, struggling with feeling okay with rin at all.  “i want you to know this side of myself that i hate, but i don’t want to show you yet until i’m ready.” isagi’s self-hatred, a lot of it is rooted from being ill, and a lot of self-hatred is rooted in countless other things, as well.

which begs the question, “how do you approach self-hatred when it comes from someone that your heart is written for?” and, “how can i make myself more accessible for you to trust me enough with your baggage?” there’s a lot of routes you can take but no definitive answer. in rin’s case, he’s more of a, “i’ll wait until you’re ready to tell me,” type of person—which, honestly, i admire him for, but how long will you wait until it comes to a point where even your own heart is beginning to wither? this is more of a me thing. tsrfil rin has his own reasons for waiting, specifically in the case that he’s hiding secrets from isagi, too. 

it’s intimate enough to be vulnerable with a person you love, more intimate, even, when you want to see the you in their art. it’s the most healing that rin can ever feel, isagi wanting his art, isagi wanting rin to depict him in the only way he ever could: through a canvas. it’s indirectly saying, “i need your art,” and by all means, i’m not an artist and drawing is out of my expertise; however from what i’ve seen and heard from artists, i want to say this, your art is enough. your art is enough and all that you create is beautiful. the world needs your art. i hope tsrfil rin can be an achor for you, if you’re an artist or participate in any other creative means, to keep creating and be proud of yourself for taking your heart and pouring it onto paper, a screen, a canvas, anywhere a pencil can touch. i can’t stress that enough, really.

a lot of this is communication. a universal key in all things, and what i deem as endlessly important—yet there are different routes you can take to communication. not all communication is helpful; good communication. in this instance where rin and isagi are opening up, i approve their bravery and navigating through this with subtle fear and insecurity for they’ve agreed on the fact that this relationship is important to them. this is also one of the more “love-filled” chapters where declarations are absolute.

because really, what is love without accepting someone’s flaws, being there in their vulnerability while they equally allow you to be vulnerable as well, creating such safety that it’s inevitable for you to be cherished as well? what is love without the understanding, the talking, the silent cues, the waiting when you know that you’re going to be safe and valued and treated well by the person your heart glows for? how self-sacrifical can you be for another person without having your own heart wither in the process, and what then should you do: stay and rot, or leave? 

Helloo .. long time no see!! For writing processes at least. Are you all treating yourselves well? I hope so..! There’s not too much to say, so I’ll go ahead and get into these two writing processes c:

Chapter 19: IRIS SPURIA

The long awaited reconlication/make-up chapter after about four chapters of pure angst. From an author’s standpoint it feels like a breath of fresh air when finally uploading this chapter, but I also wonder about what the readers feel when finally reading fluff instead of angst. You can only drag angst on for so long, and by now, it’s the perfect time to add in fluff/relationship development between Isagi and Rin.

Writing this back in June (?) or July in 2025 (I’m not too sure), I had the scene from Ena5, chapter 8, when Ena confronted Mizuki, hence why I recommended readers to listen to their track when reading this chapter. The thing that comforts me the most is sunsets (duh) and, comfort—but also vulnerability, kindness, apologies, vows, unwavering emotions that spill out from the heart. Tears and sobbing and all of that, showing the rawness of the human emotion because that’s what makes us human. To accept, to vow, to stay together when you’re important to someone. All of these things, I love. All of these things, I wish for everyone—because we all deserve someone who makes us feel safe, comforted, important, loved, warm, cherished, impossible to resist.

Writing chapter 19 had pulled a lot of my own love mechanisms or, language, out of me that I’ve always known were there but have never taken the time to properly address them. By mixing in acts of survive (Rin giving Isagi his Totoro windchime), quality time (them hugging and being with each other at the end), I realized that, all of these things are a more mirror to myself than anything else. There’s no perfect direction to go about this scene unless you’re the one writing it yourself, and, for me, the best way to pour myself into this chapter was to reel back into myself, and focus on how I love and go about things. This scene could have gone in any direction, however, I’m glad that it went this specific way.

I also think that, it’s another version of love to be safe enough with someone to practically break down in front of them. Both, in tandem, and now that I’m realizing it, it gives me a fresh perspective on how safe tsrfil rnis feel with each other both from an authors standpoint and, hopefully, a readers standpoint.

I wanted to focus on many things here, e.g the sunset, Isagi’s tears, Rin’s emotions, how warm it is when they hug. For me, these are key things that build an atmosphere as it is. There’s so much intimacy in just,, accepting someone. Accommodating but also taking the time to repeat what you want over and over again.

There’s a lot of intimacy in just.. Being with someone. To be, to be, to be. In future chapters, I want to relay my love language onto tsrfil, and pour more of my heart into it!!!

Chapter 20: NYMPHAEA

By far one of the most terrible + toughest chapters to write back in the day… i remember spending 4 days total on this chapter when it should’ve taken, like, 2. However, editing this chapter, I will say that this one is probably my best-written chapter yet…!

They’re finally going on a date at the aquarium c: I haven’t been to the aquarium in… a long while LOL. However, my main inspirations was pinterest + youtube to get the main scenery down. When reading, you’ll start to notice a lot of repetition of blue, white, red, and turquoise, and that’s because I want the readers to be immersed in it. Immersed in the blue, immersed in the sea animals, in the ocean, in how saturated you can become when in the aquarium. It’s crazy how this was my most hated chapter, but now, I love the way I edited this.

An aquarium chapter was always, like… required, I guess? Back in my notes, I had jotted down that they’ll go to an aquarium. I think it’s a staple in a lot of slice-of-life fics out there..!

My inspiration for this, aside from Pinterest, was actually the anime, The Aquatope on White Sand. I absolutely love this anime (and yuri is in it too) and there’s an aquarium in there called Tingarla, so I decided to add that into tsrfil by renaming it Pingarla. I also added the ost int he authors note of this chapter to listen to when reading c: This is more of like, a calmer chapter (aside from the end) where they bond and get to know about each other.

Also, no worries, even if Isagi had a difficult time, there won’t be any angst in the next chapter. Tension maybe? BUT there is some gay stuff..! There’s a scene I love in chapter 21 that I think will become a trademark in the future of the story.

Afterword

On June 7th, 2025, I had opened up a Google Doc and began writing the summer / rin fell / in love.

Today, June 7th, 2026, is my one-year anniversary of writing the summer / rin fell / in love. Which, I’ll admit, I can’t wrap my head around. I think about how different my life would be if I didn’t mindlessly commit to this project without knowing how loved it’d be from so many people around the world. I can’t comprehend that it’s been a year already since writing tsrfil, because it feels like yesterday that this story was only a thought in my head with no real basis or way to ever claw it out of my mind. It feels like it was just yesterday that I had thought, “What if I make a story about Rin watering Isagi’s garden?” and it feels like it was just yesterday that I sat at my desk, put on some ambience, and wrote the first chapter of tsrfil: hippeastrum x hybridium.

I wouldn’t call myself a very emotional person unless my heart beats in another rhythm, changes its total pulsing pattern entirely: applying to various things—stories, anime, life, people, even though, the people in my life are very little and there’s only room in my heart for such dedication that I can’t help but be crazy about my passions, my love, my motivation. The thing is, with tsrfil, I hadn’t cared about it at first. It had not become a story I was attached to. Over time, tsrfil grew with me as both a breathing story and as its own heart, and it has been more involved in my life ever since I was hospitalized.

Back then, I wasn’t anyone to anything. I was new to the Rinsagi fandom, even though I’ve been familiar with Blue Lock for two years and counting. Posting tsrfil, I was scared. Especially with my older writing back then, I had been insecure about my own self and my talents to create a story and consistently post, even with all of the chapters written out. I guess people are right when they say to do it scared—and, at the beginning, the publication of tsrfil had been rocky at the start, more for the reason of not being recognized as much as I am now. It’s fair, though, seeing a fresh longfic on AO3 that’s just beginning to sprout. It was pretty rough at the beginning, more at the fault of my own mindset about creativity than anything, but there comes a point in time where, if this is truly important to me, then I’ll stick with it and pour everything I have into it.

And pouring my heart, my soul, my breath, and life into tsrfil has been the best decision I’ve ever made. I’ll tell you, before tsrfil, I had no passion. I had no dedication to anything. There had been resting love in my heart with nowhere to put it—and, I guess, something in me broke. I didn’t know I had this much potential lingering inside me until I finally put it to use in the most unconventional way possible: writing 10 hours a day.

I will always say this, but I wish I had documented everything. I wish I had kept everything collected from the span of June 7th to July 22nd. It’d be fun looking at myself back in 2025 and comparing her to me now. The summer of 2025 was the loneliest, most isolating time in my life—self-inflicted, mostly. Even though the feat itself is impeccable, to me at least, writing over 280k in one month and four weeks, the process wasn’t good. In fact, it was the most rigorous, self-hating, and self-destructive point of my life.

Often, I joke about overworking myself to the brim. “Please, take a break. There’s no room to rest. The concept of “taking a break” to me back in the summer of 2025 was nonexistent to the point where showering, sleeping, and eating felt unnecessary because, at that time, it could be used to write. It could be used to write, and write, until I felt too tired to go on. “If you’re not writing, what purpose do you serve? What kind of importance do you bring to yourself if you’re not writing? You’re not worth anything if you don’t write.”

As silly as it is, I have dumbed my existence down to a writing machine. Output, output, output, constant overwork, discarding my feelings, dehumanizing myself to where there’ll only be meaning released from me, is dependent on how many words I can get on the screen. I didn’t consider myself as someone who was worthy of needing basic things, nor did I listen to anyone who told me to take a break.

As beautiful as the product, tsrfil came out, the actual work behind it is somewhat unbearable. There could have been another way for me to go about writing tsrfil without sacrificing myself. However, I’m really, really, really crazy about writing. Severely crazy about writing to the point it becomes obsessive and insane. I still am, and I’ve learned to deconstruct the dehumanization of myself over something as little as a hobby.

With this out of the way, it makes me ten times more grateful that everyone enjoys this story. That I’ve been constantly flooded with so much support, so much love, and so much praise, and I don’t know if I have the capacity within me to truly get my appreciation out there. I’m not sure what I should do, what I should say, how much of myself I should put out there, for I’ve been doing it so much already—but I want to do more. I want to do more for my readers and everyone who supports me.

It has been such a journey, this one year. I still cannot believe that it’s been a year since I officially started a story that means so much to my heart than anything else in the world.

Thank you so, so much. I couldn’t thank you guys enough. Because of you, I keep writing.

BEHIND THE SCENES: FOUR SECTIONS

Section 1: The Original Idea

Having read The Summer You Were There in July 2023, it had made an impactful, but temporary mark on my heart. Two years later, it had resurfaced during late May of 2025 when I was watering my neighbor’s garden. I had already been focused on Rin and Isagi, and with that, my mind often takes its own route into imagining them in different scenarios, what stories they’d fit into, and the nice concepts that I can squish them into.

“What if Rin watered Isagi’s garden?” A common sentiment, a common thought, and the most common thing I say to people whenever someone asks me how I thought of the concept of tsrfil. Then the thought turned into the why, “Why would Rin need to water Isagi’s garden?” and then, bless my neighbor who had been ill, it suddenly rang through me, “Because Isagi’s too ill to take care of it himself.”

These three thoughts stemmed from the entire birth of tsrfil. A small wonder, then a question, then, finally, a reasoning. Being in a floral class, I had a lot of love for flowers that I still carry with me to this day—so, to put my love out there, there would be no other way to design Isagi’s garden better than a flower garden. In retrospect, and if I can be confident in myself here, it’s a novel concept, really. A love story in the summer, where two people get closer because of a part-time job—probably the most original (?) idea that I’ve come up with, even if it takes inspiration from yuri manga. However, I had wanted to add my own twist to it, and I’m not sure if this concept has been done before, but I’m really proud of myself for sticking to this story.

Section 2: Deleted Concepts

Playing Minecraft/Stardew Valley Together — Look.. I’m sorry. These things were actually embedded into the early drafts of tsrfil, in chapter 14, at their sleepover, they had played Minecraft, sharing a world together, building their own separate houses. I’m not sure as to why I deleted this entire concept, but I felt that them playing Minecraft wouldn’t benefit the entire story,,  only for one plot point but it was my decision to cut it out. Though I’ll always be a believer of them playing Minecraft together.

When first constructing Isagi’s character, I was set on him having cystic fibrosis, due to a lesson taught from my anatomy teacher about it. The idea didn’t stick with me at all, though, which led to me scrapping it.

At one point, I had thought about writing a chapter where Rin would go to the art store with Isagi, where they’d run into Bachira, who is working at the cashier. It never came into fruition, and probably won’t. I’m hesitant about adding anything new to the story as of now, because I added everything I needed back in the early stages to truly be comfortable with how the story is unfolding. I also don’t have it in me to write any other characters that aren’t the main five (Rin, Isagi, Sae, Iyo, and Issei), and I’m glad I’ve stuck to that ideal due to it being a more intimate setting to work with.

Section 3: Symbolism/Flower Meanings

This mostly pertains to the chapter names. The chapter names are the scientific names of flowers, and I’m not sure where the idea came from for me to do that, but it has stuck with me the most when first constructing tsrfil.

Here’s a simple (or as simple as I can make it) rundown of all of the chapter names leading up to chapter 19, their symbolism, and why I chose them.

Chapter 1: HIPPEASTRUM x HYBRIDIUM: the amaryllis represents new beginnings, symbolizing how Sae forced Rin to get a job at the Isagi household

Chapter 2: BEGONIA SP: the begonia represents caution—I mostly named this chapter after the begonia due to Isagi having them in his garden.

Chapter 3: PAPAVER ORIENTALE: the orange poppy means creativity and joy. Like chapter 2, I chose the poppy because of Rin’s incident with stepping on Isagi’s poppy in the garden

Chapter 4: HELIANTHUS ANNUUS — L: the sunflower means unwavering loyalty—however, like the previous chapters, I chose this to represent the sunflowers in Isagi’s garden

Chapter 5: PETUNIA x ATKINSIANA: petunias are known for comfort. I chose them this chapter because Isagi has petunias in his garden

Chapter 6: IPOMOEA PURPUREA: the morning glory represents the transient and fleeting nature of life, which is a nod to their conversation in the garden after Rin planted the morning glories for Isagi

Chapter 7: CITRUS SINENSIS: The orange blossom doesn’t really have a meaning, but they’re those delicate white flowers you see on orange trees. This time, I didn’t have an exact reason as for why I chose this flower.

Chapter 8: PRUNUS DULCIS: The almond blossom symbolizes new life and awakening. Van Gogh’s famous painting is the almond blossom, and because they visit the exhibition, I had wanted to make a little nod to the painting that I think would most make sense for the chapter.

Chapter 9: ANEMONE CORONARIA: when searching for a flower representing fear, the anemone popped up. Often it symbolizes the duality between beauty and loss, and with the way this chapter goes (with Rin panicking about Isagi’s well being), I thought it’d be a great fit.

Chapter 10: LYCORIS RADIATA: the spider lily symbolizes death, reminiscent of the dream that Rin had about Isagi

Chapter 11: RHODODENRON: azaleas mean fragile passion—I wanted something soft for the both of them after what had happened at the exhibition, and I wanted the time they talk to each other here to be tender and warm.

Chapter 12: HYDRANGEA ABORESCENS: hydrangeas mean heartfelt emotions, also tying into how Isagi and Rin are calling while Rin is oil painting hydrangeas

Chapter 13: HYACINTHOIDES NON-SCRIPTA: the bluebell means everlasting love. There wasn’t much thought other than that they’re napping together

Chapter 14: CHRYSANTHEMUM x MORIFOLIUM: chrysanthemum mean’s joy and friendship, and with them having a sleepover together, it ties into the whole theme of their (gay) friendship

Chapter 15: ERIGERON SPECIOSUS: The aspen fleabane symbolizes adaptability and endurance due to it thriving in challenging environments; however, in this chapter, we see how much Rin tries to endure when Isagi is being hospitalized.

Chapter 16: ROSA RUBIGINOSA: sweet briar’s mean poetic beauty, and that love/truth can cause temporary pain in order to bring long-term emotional recovery/growth. With Sae and Rin’s conversation here, it brings out how Rin’s feelings about Isagi are possibly bringing him pain. 

Chapter 17: LAMPROCAPNOS: the bleeding heart means vulnerability and compassion, and loving despite the risk of pain. Considering what goes on in this chapter, I thought it was a good choice because they’re both emotionally vulnerable.

Chapter 18: NARCISSUS: the daffodil means rebirth and hope, and even when it looks like there’s no hope in this chapter, we see Rin’s feelings begin to change and take route

Chapter 19: IRIS SPURIA: blue iris means faith, deep truth, and reconciliation, representing an unwavering bond. Due to Isagi and Rin making up this chapter, I wanted a flower that represents reconciliation and kindness.

Section 4: Easiest/Hardest Chapter

The easiest chapter to write was Chapter 9, ANEMONE CORONARIA. This had been in the middle of me, simultaneously writing my spring fic, and my hand at writing has become a skill that I can be proud of. I loved how I applied everything I learned from writing the spring fic onto tsrfil, and this was my funnest/easiest chapter because of how easily everything flowed to me despite the long wordcount.

The hardest chapter to write was probably Chapter 8: PRUNUS DULCIS. I’m,, not that good at writing dates and stuff, especially when it’s visual, such as an exhibition. I had to rewrite the whole thing in the hospital. It wasn’t fun.

Even as the author, my interpretation of Isagi and Rin has changed throughout this year of holding tsrfil close to my heart. At first, Rin had been someone who didn’t want any social connection—who pushed it away, but recently, Isagi has been breaking through that shell of his and, for the first time, Rin is thawing. These characters are a part of my everyday life, and, to me, they’re the most human that I’ve ever seen in mere fictional characters.

Going down memory lane here, considering that I wrote every day from June 7th-July 22nd for 8+ hours a day, that means I have spent ~roughly~ 464 hours on writing tsrfil c:

Total wordcount: when finishing the first full draft of tsrfil, it came out to 281k words (which, now, it’ll def be over that count)

So, there you have it, a whole year with tsrfil, and, in about 23 days, it’ll be a year since tsrfil has officially been published. The time flew by terribly fast, and even I’m not sure what to comprehend of it. It’s been an incredibly lonely journey, but I’m grateful to all of my readers who have stuck by me.

So, now that you’re here:

After months of thought, and it comes with a heavy heart to say this: I have made the decision to quit writing.

I’m really, really sorry. My decision to quit writing did not come lightly, and after I finish the goal of my seasonal rinsagi fics, the author “numenrot” will be no more. I’d like to keep the details private, but just know that tsrfil, tsibiy, and the autumn + winter rinsagi fics will guarantee to see their own end after official publication. Thank you all for supporting me. I am perfectly okay, and it doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.

If I can be selfish enough, please stay by my side before I quit.

long time no see,,? i’m so, so sorry for the long wait with these writing processes. i truly don’t have an explanation only for the fact that i got lazy LMFAO. so  now i’m bearing the blunt of my actions by not needing to write one, not two, but THREE writing processes of relatively long chapters..! which is alright, it gives me more insight on what i picked for these chapters, what my thought processes were, and why these recent chapters have .. been .. super angsty.

how have you been doing? treating yourselves well, i hope. this past month, i’ve been preparing for graduation, and planning for new rinsagi fics out of the seasonal ones. i still have some more projects i want to work on before i eventually have to put down writing.

real quick, i just want to reflect on how big tsrfil has been getting..? in no ways have i imagined that it’d be getting this big, enough to have animatics and edits. i don’t know how to put my thoughts into words, realy, so i thank you readers relentlessly. it means the world to me,, i’m so surprised that tsrfil is getting a little mini fandom LMFAO.

Chapter 16: ROSA RUBIGINOSA

this chapter had been the more difficult ones to write due to the sh scene at the very beginning, and, the feelings lingering after it. as always and no matter how much a broken record i sound, scenes like adrenaline and extensive dread (?) have never really been my strong suit, much less writing it in the present. i’m more used to a quiet, serene, intimate type of setting (which we will get soon, i promise) — but i had tried to revisit memories from past experiences and put them into play. Only this once turns twice, then three times, then so many times Rin doesn’t know how to count. that’s the thing, though, with things like addiction—you tell yourself you won’t do it again and even going against yourself and thoughts, you still find way to return back to what you know as safety and familiarity. it’s how addictions work, rin needing to calm himself from the feelings and the dread of isagi not wanting to see him.

rin and sae’s conversation had actually been in the early drafts—however, i wanted to revise it a bit. the conversation/argument was bound to happen, and i wanted to highlight their opposing ideals which leads them to clash the way they do—with sae taking more a logical/hollow approach while rin is the more emotional, and sensitive one here. i’m a firm believer of how sensitive rin is, his emotions flaring up more than sae’s and dare i say isagi’s–and he’s always been an emotional character to me. i fail to percieve him as stone-cold as the fandom does—his heart is vulnerable, he has so many emotions bottled up, and often he lets it consume him whole.

could you tell tsrfil rin is very ,, emotional? at the beginning he’s meant to be presented as emotionall distant, however, when getting closer to isagi he begins to realize there had been feelings inside him that he’s always suppressed. general feelings—anger, yearn, want, need. sae only wants rin to be safe, which makes way for the events that happen in chapter 17 (woops).

isagi had never been mad at rin for taking him to the hospital—i wanted to convey his hesitancy to seeing rin as fear of rin seeing how vulnerable isagi is. that, isagi doesn’t want to see that expression on rin’s face again—and it’s a shock to isagi, even, for seeing rin scared when he almost never is.

Chapter 17: LAMPROCAPNOS (💀)

so.. out of all of the chapters, this one has been getting the most traction.

having been surprised by the amount of comments, i realized, “wow, these people are suffering because of the heavy angst,” and by far it’s probably the most?? Confused?? i’ve ever been?? the thing is, this specific chapter had been sitting in my drafts for about seven months and counting—and when writing this chapter, i didn’t know that it’d receive this amount of attention. i didn’t even know that tsrfil would be getting this popular—and it’s been blowing up because of this chapter + tiktok (i never knew that you could get popular off of tiktok, but oh well) and it’s like.. Wow.. tsrfil has its little fandom LOL.

the middle of stories usually have that angst factor to it—and trust me when i say this is, like, the argument (kind of) of the story. before you accuse anything; no, i don’t hate rin. i know he’s been going through a lot for the past three chapters (i.e, isagi collapsing, isagi being hospitalized, isagi not wanting to see rin, sae and rin arguing, isagi and rin arguing) but i don’t hate him.. quite the opposite.. i love tsrfil rin! (ok i like tsrfil isagi more), but, trust me when i say we will be getting some kisses and confessions and comfort very very soon.

i’m not sure where to begin with this chapter nor will it be as orderly/organized as my previous writing processes, so excuse me for being the more messy that i’ve always naturally been when it comes to constructing my thoughts. going off of the past few chapters, 15 and 16, rin’s already in the most emotionally vulnerable state that he’s been in. i haven’t touched upon rin’s art in a while, so now was a good time to lore drop and plummet so so so many lore bombs during their argument. sae’s disdain for rin purusuing art stems from his own experience—their shared dream of being artists together being crushed by someone better than sae (peep the small bunny drop) and sae had gone ballistic. having bad experiences in art, he doesn’t want rin to go through the same thing of being abandoned, and hurt as well—trusting in something that can’t guarantee a living. sae cares—really, he does, but as per itoshi fashion, the care comes out really, really bad.

i had a commenter say that they had thought shidou would come in and show, like, a different perspective to sae. in reality, when constructing tsrfil i never had a plan to introduce ryusae to the fic when the heart of tsrfil is rinsagi. however, because i didn’t want to add shidou doesn’t mean that he’s completely disregarded. there had to be a reason for sae to be so against rin and isagi getting closer, and, last-minute, i had decided for shidou to be the reason why sae’s so scared of rin getting close to isagi.

before anything: no, there won’t be a ryusae sequel LOL. shidou had passed away, and the connection that sae and shidou had,, well. You could say they were boyfriends. like isagi, shidou also had an illness—hence why sae often connects bad things happening to thinking that it’ll happen to rin as well. he wants rin to be safe. he doesn’t want rin to follow through with sae’s mistakes and, in the most cruel way possible, sae wants to protect rin. a lot of what happened in sae’s past influences how he acts now, especially to rin.

rin, like always, doesn’t take it lightly. there’s a lot of provoking, here—bring up old wounds, leading to a fight-turned-physical, and, eventually, rin running away in the rain.

by the time rin gets to the pavilion, he’s already bleeding—tripping on the street and almost getting hit by the car, i’d say this is the lowest rin had been. but, there’s no such thing as a limit to how rock bottom you can hit. eventually, i had wanted isagi to figure out rin’s sh—and currently, where the story is going and what i already have drafted, i couldn’t fit it anywhere. the most ideal way for isagi to find out, is, i realized, this chapter. it added more hurt, definitely, but it was necessary—and, now, we’re getting into what i love most about tsrfil: accepting each other’s flaws, each other’s ugliness, each other’s faults.

so, isagi saw his sh. rin didn’t take that well, obviously—and when writing rin he had always had self-hatred for his own sh and scars. this, obviously, manifests in rin getting angry, telling isagi that, he finds his sh disgusting to him. isagi doesn’t say anything,, and, he’s shocked—rightfully so.

the concept of tsrfil rinsagi arguing has always made me really, really emotional—because they both have their own struggles, have their own reasons for doing things—and, trust me when i say, all i want them to do is to kiss and cuddle and find comfort in each other’s warmth. Trust me when i say, i think of tsrfil rinsagi everyday. I can’t wait to write their blossoming love in these upcoming chapters—it’s my biggest passion, my biggest comfort, and, my greatest joy.

even though this chapter was heavy, there will be rinsagi comfort soon.

Chapter 18: CAMELLIA JAPONICA.

we’re starting exactly where we left off! this chapter is more of feelings + introspection, where not much dialogue is present… it’s more, of, like, this aftermath of what had happened.

to be honest, there isn’t much to say about the chapter. rin goes through the days with no thoughts in his head, being emptied out of his own feelings and becoming increasingly aware of how important isagi has become to him. rin had always navigated his feelings in a very.. Rotting way. he stays in bed all day, he doesn’t paint, doomscrolls (lol) and only becomes a human when he needs to—shower, eat, drink. he’s mindless with everything he does oh my god i just want to hug him.

the spring / i bloom / into you

an overview of the spring / i bloom / into you — noting down conceptualization ideas, how i wrote, and the overarching themes of aromanticism, acceptance, love, identity, and most important of all—kindness.

🌸

i, honestly, don’t have a lot of logical words i can say out of a large writing period of straight grinding for 8 months and 3 days—finishing my second seasonal rinsagi longfic is, ultimately, a milestone in it of itself. i wasn’t sure if i was capable of writing something as massive as this, even pushing off the idea back in February of 2025 because i knew it was going to be really, really, really long, and this fic being over 500k+ words proves it as much. alternatively, despite the spring fic being overdue, this was the first rinsagi fic idea that i had back in the beginning of 2025. all that happened in relation to the fic was me making a google doc in march and writing down my ideas for it—most of them gone and little of them stayed, but it’s really fun to look past at my old ideas and see what different routes the spring fic could have taken.

what is the rinsagi spring fic?

officially titled the spring / i bloom / into you (tsibiy for short) is the second seasonal rinsagi longfic i have completed, with the summer / rin fell / in love being first (fully written, the story itself has not been fully posted, but we’re halfway there!). this fic is based on the animanga and famous yuri, bloom into you, going over the themes of self-acceptance, identity, grief, and ultimately, how we percieve different kinds of love. i always had this weird fascination with isagi being aromanic, even going so far as to make it my personal headcannon and finding comfort in making a character that i associate myself with even if it’s nothing more than a made-up headcannon. being aromantic myself, the only media that i’ve found comfort in is bloom into you, and while koito yuu (the main character) is better off as being labeled demi-romantic, she still falls underneath the aromantic umbrella, in my book. there’s little to no representation out there of aromantic people—the struggles that come along with it, the sort of unnoticed ways in which there will, more than not, be suppression of people who simply don’t feel any romantic attraction. we’re surrounded by love, which isn’t a bad thing, but i had wanted to take it upon myself to make something that gave representation to an unrepresented minority and as well give comfort to myself by making a predominantly aromantic story.

what is the premise of the spring / i bloom / into you?

even completing this story, i still don’t know how to answer that completely. something along the lines of the header of this post: aromanticism, acceptance, love, identity, and kindness. both isagi and rin both struggle internally in here, tied by the same insecurity/suppression of their identities. it’s about rin and isagi getting into a more-than-friends-less-than-lovers type of relationship, starting off fairly quickly in the first few chapters, but i heavily avoid the fake-dating trope and i had never considered this fic a fake-dating trope because, realistically, they’re not! it’s about isagi exploring love through rin’s own feelings and being, more or less, curious about the acts rin does. hand-holding, soft kisses on the cheek, the reassuring squeeze he does on isagi’s shoulder.

ultimately, it’s about accepting each other’s flaws. helping each other grow and bloom and accepting the true person that they are—all flaws, all vulnerability, and all rawness.

what is the setting of tsibiy?

very different from the summer / rin fell / in love!! tsibiy is based in a high school setting, with characters from blue lock sprinkling about (i.e, bachira, chigiri, kunigami, reo, yukimiya, hiori) and i’d say i had a lot of fun deviating from the aspects of summer and writing strictly in isagi’s garden in tsrfil. fleshing out each of the characters individually (especially hiori! he’s an important character in this one) had been a challenge but a great gift for me to bear, as, usually, i focus on the relationship between isagi and rin without any characters being too heavily involved. but since this is a school environment, there’s bound to be interactions with students and participating in regular school life.

i invested a lot into the world-building for tsibiy. between this and tsrfil—i’d say tsrfil is more like a summer-wrapped bubble—we have isagi’s garden, rin’s home, van goh’s exhibition, and more coming soon when the chapters roll out—and even though it’s a colorful story, it has this solemn and lonesome feel to it, which is exactly what i love about tsrfil!. tsibiy is more like a breath of fresh, spring air. we have the layout of the high school, the school garden, the student council room, the city with antique shops and flower shops, japan riverbanks, a track field, a storage room, a ballroom, an alleyway kissed by the sunset, a small, secluded garden with wisterias and cherry blossoms. this has been, by far, my most researched and place-heavy fic by far. between the scenery between tsrfil and tsibiy, i’d say tsrfil is more bright and colorful while tsiby has this beauty of ordinary, everyday places—like a track field or the route walking home from school. i must say, immediately switching from summer to spring without no time to digest had been quite a struggle—writing spring scenery, the sounds, the plants, the clouds in the sky, have all been this massive learning curve that, when the story progressed, i had gotten the hang of. now i love writing spring sceneries!!!

how long is the spring / i bloom / into you?

this fic is consisting of over 500k words and 44+ chapters!

wil there be any side relationships to tsibiy?

no. this fic is solely focused on the relationship between isagi and rin.

do rin and isagi have any hobbies or interests?

rin dabbles in photography in this one! isagi, not so much. interest wide, isagi’s pretty much okay with anything. as for rin, he’s the student council president. he seems to like doing his work! or, are those really his true feelings…?

what has writing tsibiy taught you?

discipline, devotion, and genuine love to your craft is like a cheat code. i created not because i wanted validation but because i wanted to get something out there, my vision, how aromanticism is a beautiful thing and how struggling with our identities is a real, common thing that we all encounter. i know people say that consistency is key, but you’ll never know the magic of it when you actually do it and complete the passion project—and above all, consistency is important. so, so, so important for whatever you’re creating, big or small. when i had finished tsrfil, i never thought i could make something with so many words—and it unlocked confidence in me, thinking, if i can write a fic over 300k words, when what else can i do? and as soon as i realized it, my long-term project spanning over eight months and three days has been completed with a wordcount of 500k+.

when i tell you that you can do anything, i mean it. whatever goals you have, whatever passion project you are pursuing, take it from me—as long as you’re consistent, have discipline backed with devotion and love, you are set.

how did you write tsibiy?

as of december 2025, i have a writing schedule! for a little context, i started tsibiy one day after i had finished tsrfil (july 22nd), so the tsibiy journey started on july 24, 2025. from then on until december, i was pretty inconsistent—but this was because of school and whatnot. then, in december, i started my writing challenge, where i wanted to write 80k words in the month! i usually write in the mornings, at 05-06am because i like to avoid writing in the afternoon as that’s when i’m the most tired, especially at that time where i was more vulnerable with my illness + recovering from pneumonia at the same time. in janurary i wrote 120k+ words, and in february i’m.. not sure.. but enough to finish tsibiy entirely.

the whole progress of writing tsibiy was pretty smooth-sailing, but in the middle i was having doubts such as, when is this going to end? I don’t know what I’m writing for. Why is this so long? that’s usually common, though, especially when you’re in the middle of such a long story. i couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel for the life of me—but it’s here, and i’m so, so proud of myself.

when will tsibiy come out?

after tsrfil ends c: so late 2026/early 2027!!

were there any struggles when writing tsiby?

a handful, if i could say. though it was nothing to really offset me.

final thoughts

seeing this story end fills me with so much joy and so much loss. for eight months i have grown with these characters, seen sides to isagi and rin that only i know, seen their struggles and their insecurities, the inner turmoil that carries on their shoulders every day. i had seen arguments, fights, intimacy, heartbreak, and, in the end, love where only me, rin, and isagi understands. for eight months i watched them bloom and grow into their own people, break out of cycles and be happy with their true selves. i watched love bloom in its purest form between these characters, and i could never, ever be more proud of them. this story has been with me through so much—starting my last year of highschool, getting hospitalized, recovering, christmas and new years, this story has been through such transitionary periods in my life, and i’m not ready to let it go just yet. isagi and rin’s love in tsibiy is so tender, full of laughs and tears and understanding in which warms my heart, and i am so, so excited to share it with you all when it finally comes out

so, what now?

for now, i just want to rest.

i had worked endlessly for more over half a year. i think, at the very least, i deserve some time off from writing anything NEW. i’ll still be completing chapters for tsrfil!

but my writing journey isn’t stopping here.

because, what’s next, is the slightly teased, rinsagi autumn longfic!

please treat me gently while i’m working on my third rinsagi seasonal longfic! we are officially two fics down, and two more to go!

thank you for your support on tsrfil and tsibiy!

hi hi c: it’s been a while since i’ve posted a writing process—there’s no real or good reason as to why i postponed chapter 14’s writing process because i’ve been hit with the curse of being lazy. back then, i also couldn’t piece together my thoughts about writing the chapter, why i wrote the way i wrote, and the content that i included in the chapter. so, to save myself some grace, i decided to put chapter 14 and chapter 15’s writing process together as they go hand-in-hand slash continuation from the cliffhanger i left you guys on. 

before anything, how are you guys? i’ve been somewhat okay recently—i’ve been busy with trying to balance my life because spring is always, always, unnecessarily busy, especially with my graduation on the horizon. recently, i’ve been preparing for university c: that’s what’s been taking up my life as of recently… and i know that once university gets closer i’ll be more busy as i have to dorm and the actual school is five hours away from me… but i will try my best to make sure tsrfil stays on schedule :P updating constantly, i noticed, keeps me busy but in a good way… but sometimes i do stress about needing to finish the chapter on time but one way or another, i always get it done LOL

i hope you’re all treating yourself well—spring is finally here and that’s the season of doing some deep-cleans and starting off with a fresh mind and an open heart. i know spring just started but summer is on the horizon!!! i’m so excited as it brings back nostalgic times of when i first started writing tsrfil… and it’s been a little over ten months since tsrfil started publishing which is. absolutely crazy. i don’t even want to think about that .. time goes by so fast, doesn’t it?

anyway, without further ado, lets get into chapter 14 and chapter 15 writing process/aftertalk!

Chapter 14: CRYSANTHEMUM X MORIFOLIUM.

i remember i had tried to give myself a wordcount for this chapter so i wouldn’t have to make it long as i’m so used to doing but… things happen, ideas occur, and i found myself staring at a 16k worded document and going “well, shit.” i knew from the very start that this chapter wasn’t going to be short, by any means—because often i have a tendency to go overboard into the 10k territory, and threatening when it’s close to 20k words. however, there was no way i could split this because, one, that would lead the chapter count going up to 32 (which, it probably will—but i didn’t want it to be this chapter) and, two, in my opinion, this chapter is best read all at once with no splits or no waiting for the next update. 

in the original (and much shorter) draft of chapter 14, the same things happened—the sleepover occurring, isagi’s Totoro-styled wind chime breaking, and what happened to him at the end. however, i basically had to write this chapter from scratch because frankly i just… didn’t like how the original draft was written? it also didn’t cover as much as i wanted it to, so i took it in my own hands and decided to write the chapter from a blank doc.

now that we’re halfway through the story, i want to establish more touch/forced proximity/facing feelings that are now starting to resurface—starting with rin wanting to melt into the warmth that isagi’s palm creates around his shoulder—that it feels nice and how he wants it to stay there forever—these little things that rin is experiencing from isagi’s touch and presence alone. when he sees isagi on top of him he can’t help but be, like he always is, defensive—being intruded on his personal space has always been a pet peeve of rin’s. even though isagi’s warmth is objectively nice, as always, he pushes it away because he’s not used to it and won’t be used to it for a long time (to the readers asking when they’re going to kiss, i’m afraid that’s not going to happen for another 9-10 chapters. sorry!)

i wanted this chapter to have the intention of rin and isagi growing closer, but also looking in on rin’s past and the traumatic moment that happened between he and Sae—of course, i’m positive that you can put the pieces together by way of dialogue from the past and the narration happening. if you’re sensitive to suicide, please don’t read beyond this sentence! for anyone speculating or wondering what happened, rin did indeed attempt to take his own life in the bathtub back then—going by way of self-harm (hence why he has two, large scars on the upper part of his wrists). this also happened during a typhoon (lolol foreshadowing), and sae rushed him to the hospital. that’s why he’s shaken, the fear prominent in him when figuring out there’s a typhoon because memories resurface by way of what had happened all those months ago—but, as always, he suppresses it.

isagi’s totoro-style wind chime breaking is actually a set up for something happening in a future chapter!! i promise it isn’t just for angst purposes—i already have the whole scene relating to that written out (LMAO), so it’s definitely not some useless, on-the-whim decision i added.

to be honest, i was torn between writing out the whole sleepover (day-by-day) or taking a simpler route in describing what happens on the days they spend together. the first option required so much more writing than i wanted to do and it’d make this chapter way longer than it’s supposed to be. i decided to be brief about my decisions, because the scene with the fireplace and isagi and rin talking was more important than the filler, more calm days that they have in the sleepover.

we start to notice rin’s ignorance and misunderstanding of isagi’s illness, which is definintely his prejudice unfolding and isagi even saying himself that “no one understands ill people if you’re not ill yourself.” tsrfil isn’t supposed to be … comfortable, in some cases—because, in reality, there are definitely misunderstandings about illnesses, how to treat someone with an illness but still balance that they’re human, at the end of the day. there’s no right or wrong with rin—he’s still a teenager who has never been connected with someone who is ill—hence why i made isagi give him a little reality check about it, “you don’t understand my illness just as i don’t understand your depression.”

gonna be honest, i wouldn’t want someone to say this to me no matter how true it is. because, truthfully, it feels shitty, does it not? sure, rin revealing his depression was a big part of his development even if he didn’t delve too much into it—but to be told, “i don’t understand your depression,” is reminiscent to rin telling isagi, “i don’t understand your illness.” he’s finally realizing that the words he says has impact—that he needs to think them through before actually saying them.

i’ve always had this headcannon that rin is depressed and that he’s on meds, too (antidepressants) and i’m not sure how many of you have read my other rinsagi longifc “pathetique sonata no.8” but if you have, i think you’ll begin to realize how many aspects i pluck out of psn8 and store them into tsrfil. psn8 and tsrfil isagi both figure out rin has depression by way of antidepressants—psn8 rin is terrified of isagi finding out, whereas tsrfil rin is sort of… at ease… because of how isagi approached him with it.

mental health has always been something i’m familiar with even if i know what it’s like to go through illness way more than i do depression—but, to me, it’s so, so important to give these things representation (depression, illness) because it’s something people go through every, single, day. i hope, at the very least, when reading tsrfil, whether or not you suffer from illness, self-harm, depression, a suicide attempt, you’ll find comfort in my story, and that you’re loved even with flaws, even with imperfections.

even if isagi doesn’t understand rin’s depression he’s still kind, he’s still genuine—by allowing rin to hold ms. toto and saying that she always helps isagi when he’s going through difficult times. this, also, reiterates that even if something doesn’t understand, nothing is stopping them from still finding ways to be comforting and to listen. i really like tsrfil isagi for this—he’s honest, but he’s still kind, through it all.

i honestly can’t stress enough how important ms. toto is to isagi… like, that’s literally his baby LMAO. when isagi’s illness had started to deteriorate, he couldn’t go on walks safely—but he had always wanted a pet. a dog wouldn’t be optimal because, obviously, dogs are more athletic animals with them needing to go on walks, so isagi’s parents surprised him with a ms. toto, adopting her from the rescue shelter c: even though what had happened to ms. toto was cruel, i comfort myself with knowing she has a loving family that keeps her safe.

i like how their conversation went—i wanted to give more depth to their relationship and i think that rin and isagi bonding together on the couch, snuggled up, is a good way to have rin’s development on display! throughout the story rin’s character has been focused on how he isn’t used to a human presence, discarding touch and care. now, though, rin begins to melt with isagi’s presence—him accepting their bonding on the couch and even falling asleep together :p if you squint your eyes… isagi’s head was definitely laying on rin’s shoulder!!

now the obvious part, the ending. to reiterate a past writing process of mine, writing adrenaline and fear isn’t what i’m used to doing as often i stick with writing atmospheres such as peace, light emotions + heavy, and complex ones. fear unfortunately… isn’t under my belt? as someone who often doesn’t feel fear (straying away from horror games and horror movies have saved me from extra cortisol spikes), i’m not able to extrapolate real, raw fear into writing.

rin panics, of course—he gets mad that isagi doesn’t want to go to the hospital, and then—

—isagi collapses.

for real this time!!!!!!

Chapter 15: ERIGERON SPECIOSUS.

we pick up where we left off c: for the first part of the chapter, i decided i wanted to bring back the black background and red letters combination, as it’ll be easier for me (aside from the coding) to put rin’s fear on display!! unfortunately when writing tsrfil i had unknowingly signed myself up for needing to write fear a few times… i think, this far into the story, we have to realize that tsrfil is not all sunshine and rainbows sometimes. in the future, it will! just… not these next few chapters … i think (lol).

it’s a common consensus that not a lot of people like hospitals. for me, though, i really, really love them, and i’m not sure why. of course, being in the hospital isn’t ideal—especially with how i had pneumonia but something about staying in my admitted room, hearing the distant, hollow beeps of someone else’s heart monitor, hearing medical equipment roll down the hallway, it really… soothed me, i guess? especially during the night where everything is quiet, where you’re allowed to rest. it was pretty therapeutic for me honestly, despite the severity of my illness.

in tsrfil, and in my perspective as the author, i don’t want to paint the hospital in a bad light. for me, it has never been. strangely i had felt safe in my hospital stay, so i wanted to put out the atmosphere i felt back then into this chapter, especially the scene with rin sitting next to isagi in his hospital room.

here, isagi’s under a heavy sedative—he’s still alive, but not sleeping either—more in this sort of limbo where his body can rest fully. emotions overflow when sitting by isagi’s side and, then, he begins to crack—and then, we start to see rin breaking out of his shell, when he puts his hand over isagi’s own.

does… this count as them holding hands?? tsrfil rinsagi are finally holdings hands at chapter 15!!! even though… isagi’s not awake LMFAO.

i missed writing sae here! rin couldn’t call anyone else but sae, and i’m not that evil to where rin handles this alone. sae’s here to give him a good reality check about the things he can and cannot control—and we finally see how sae cares for rin in such small, little ways that mean everything to rin if he doesn’t choose to suppress them. of course sae has a heart. of course sae cares about his little brother—going out of his way during his busy schedule, driving in the typhoon even if it was advised not to… i really like the way sae shows care. i hope in the future, knsr and nomura will expand on their relationship, and let us see sides to their connection that are sweet and caring!!

rin and sae stay with isagi until his parents arrive—but both of them stay for a few hours for any updates. i had thought of this scene for weeks whenever i’d go to bed, basically about rin wanting to see isagi, asking iyo if he can, and her coming back with the unfortunate news: Isagi doesn’t want to see him.

before you throw tomatoes at me, there’s actually a reason to why isagi doesn’t want to see rin. i know it hurts now, but it’ll be resolved (or will it?) in the next chapter. 

💐 : the summer / rin fell / in love - chapter 13: HYACINTHOIDES NON-SCRIPTA.

Hi hi! It’s been a while—I’m so sorry for the late update. things got busy (for a good reason!!) but i’m finally back with a new chapter! first, i’m extremely flabbergasted at how tsrfil has been doing these past few weeks… i had thought reaching 400 kudos was a hard goal, but the fact that we surpassed 400 and are close to 500 in the span in a few weeks is truly phenomenal. i never would have expected that this story would be loved in all of its mediums,  and honestly this whole story started out as a meek idea that i thought, when first posting, would’ve been niche and wouldn’t get the amount of attention that i’m getting now. honestly, i can’t thank you guys enough. this story means the world to me, and i hope that it means, at least something to you! it’s an honor to contribute to the rnis tag… and you all have been so, so lovely to me. there’s still a long way to go, but the fact that we’re (kind of~) in the middle of tsrfil is honestly surprising? i remember when tsrfil was just a little baby… it’s crazy how much this story has progressed over the few months c:

anywho, how are you all? i hope you’re all treating yourself kindly… there’s so much going on in the world, so please be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself. you all deserve it! i hope tsrfil will treat you kindly, too. a little about me, i got accepted to an internship for a hospital, and i’m so so excited to start my work >-< !! i’m honestly surprised that i passed the interview section…? but they saw potential in me… so i’ll take this oppurtunity with everything i have c: it shouldn’t get in the way of tsrfil posting, i hope? my schedule is more free now that … i finished something … (revealed later!) so i should be able to work more on tsrfil c:

Chapter 13 Aftertalk/Writing Process (HYANCINTHOIDES NON-SCRIPTA)

this writing chapter will be pretty short and condensed, as, spoilers, the next chapter will be… quite a lot!

this chapter was rewritten, hence why it took me more time to get this out… i hope i had posted this on march 1st rather than today.. but as long as the chapter is out in a timely manner, then i’m happy with it!

so!! what’s with this chapter? this chapter is more developing into their relationship, and furthering it along just like the events in chapter 11 and 12, but this time is more… i’d say, intimate? intimate in the way where actual physical touch happens!! 

we first start with rin watering in the garden again roughly a few days after the rain (as rain does his job) midday, and immedietly it starts off with rin noticing isagi laying on the couch, taking a nap (although he thinks something more dire). for a while, whenever i thought about tsrfil, i would always have isagi take a nap in his own garden! this, as revealed in this chapter, is a usual habit for him—but my original, whole tsrfil draft, did not have this. for my ideas to truly get out there, i had incorporated isagi napping in this chapter, as well as being influenced by his medications! isagi says this himself in the chapter, but contrary to the belief you have about isagi, he’s always on his medications! as quoted, “I’m always on them, Rin. You just would never guess because I mask it well.” This is one of the few times Isagi is exhibiting side effects being on his medications, and this isn’t the last time, either c: there will definitely be more instances of rin taking care of isagi on his medications… and honestly i feel so bad for isagi HAHA. i know what it’s like to be on them… shit is ROUGH!!!

anywho, writing this chapter was really fun—but i’ll always, always hate describing rooms, architecture, structure of a building, etc. i have links of what isagi’s room looks like/inspo for it to atleast make up for how i described it—however i acknowledge that this is a weak spot of mine, which honestly surprises me because i am a SUCKER for describing this (skies, gardens, clouds, nature) but i always find it a bit tacky to describe inanimate objects and stuff. so i was kind of annoyed when writing the portion of isagi’s room even if it’s short and sweet, which was intentional as more things were important than that—such as the conversation between he and isagi, and, ultimately, isagi asking rin to nap with him.

pretty gay … but i want it to be known that there isn’t anything inherently romantic about napping together here (atleast in this context). i’d say isagi’s pretty straightforward with what he wants in this fic, and his words about it being nice to have someone with him and nap with him should be taken at face value. he wants someone to be with!! he wants to have a presence by him! rin is pretty hesitant about taking a nap with him (why wouldn’t he lol), but sae is a very, very heavy inhibitor in the way rin acts, influencing him and making him think more in the perspective of caring and being kind (which is so, so not him). 

but a part of him does feel bad, and because of sae’s words rin gives in, and accepts to nap with isagi.

…only for isagi to fall asleep immediately.

regardless, rin still finds it in himself to stay with isagi, and feelings start to arise!! he’s awkward, uncomfortable, but even beyond anything, he can’t fight the warmth flowing through him, even getting embarrassed when he and some accidentally brush legs. i loved writing this scene!! i love writing tenderness and compassion and warmth… it’ll become very useful in the later chapters c:

anywho, that’s all! ms. toto made a lot of appearances in this chapter >-< i love having ms. toto by isagi’s side… that’s his emotional support animal and she’s always by his side (taking naps and sleeping as well), she’s so cute and i’d love to have a cat like her … isagi loves her so much and spoilers her endlessly.

rin’s probs jealous… just kidding

🌧️ - the summer / rin fell / in love: chapter 12 - HYDRANGEA ABORESCENS.

welcome back!! it hasn’t been too long since i’ve posted, glad i’m keeping up with the chapter every two weeks schedule :D

how are you all doing? originally this was set to post on valentines day, but valentines day was filled with me editing and preparing this chapter for publication~ i hope you guys had a wonderful time with a significant other, or by yourself alone 🫶 me too honestly!! i’m happy with myself drinking tea and listening to my favorite videos and music, as well as eating good food.

some updates from me (it’s been pretty dry recently, but there’s some things being sprinkled about), i’m genuinely almost there finishing the spring fic!! i’d say i’m about 92% to completion, which is really exciting for me, because i’ve been holding this fic in for so long, and i’m excited that it’s going to be releasing soon quickly after tsrfil ends c: i’m also super excited to finally pick up my autumn rinsagi longfic after finishing the spring one. i have a lot of things i’m cooking up!!

and i just watched studio ghbili movie: The Secret world of Arrietty! a lovely commenter said the movie reminds them of tsrfil, and i knew i had to watch it. it’s a wonderful movie and it’s so creative!! i love niya, whenever i saw her i’d always be reminded of ms. toto. sho and arrietty’s connection is so sweet… and the whole summer vibes really kicked in for me—i genuinely could not stop thinking about tsrfil when watching it. everything was so vibrant.. and i definitely cried. it’s so soft and tender, i love it. sho reminds me so much of isagi–and this movie will genuinely be on my rewatch this!! thank you to the commenter for sharing their opinion :D

Chapter 12 Aftertalk/Writing Process (HYDRANGEA ABORESCENS)

i wanted to incorporate a rainy chapter in tsrfil at least once—and summer rains are always a joy to write and in opposition with the season itself. summer is usually, stereotypically bright and sunny with clear skies and hot, hot weather—however there’s a lot of diversity you can take with summer. at the beginning of writing tsrfil back in june i knew that a rainy chapter would have to come—and honestly, i’m pretty surprised at how quick this came! i’m still pretty shocked that we’re already twelve chapters into tsrfil.

i wanted to focus more on rin’s painting, as well as his process and his mindset when beginning his work. i  wasn’t sure how to really encapsulate all of the colors, the actions (i.e, mixing colors together, painting on the canvas, drying off the brush), and i realizes that there’s a lot of movements when it comes to painting, which fills up a lot of the paragraphs and the in-betweens of dialogues. there was a little bit of struggle when making sure to detail everything, so i hope it satisfies!!

this chapter, though, fell into all of my favorite aspects of writing: visuals and sensory—with the colors of the canvas as well the rain with cicadas i found myself really gravitating to this sort of rainy-slash-oil paint aesthetic—and this is more of a process in itself, but my usual framework/base for writing tsrfil is always aesthetics. i have to have an aesthetic first before i begin writing, and i make sure to keep that aesthetic at the front of my mind when writing! there’s something really therapeutic about painting in the summer while it’s raining. rin’s room is being ventilated, though—his window is open and there’s a window screen as well (the little mesh thingy behind your windows.)

this is a really good checkpoint for rin’s feelings!! not inherently romantic but he’s opening up by answering isagi’s call as well as, at the end, sending isagi a photo of his painting. we start to bloom into rin’s feelings while also learning about isagi as well, which is important to set up the other plot points that’ll happen in the story.

isagi doesn’t want to expand on his hospital visits, especially the one that happened for a month and how he recovered after—and it kills me that i can’ spoil right away because his experience in the hospital and his recovery really hit close to home for me—and there’s so many scenes that i want to show you, but that’ll have to wait T_T

💐 - the summer / rin fell / in love: chapter 11 - RHODODENDRON.

I feel like these past few days have been full of working on split-screen tabs… there’s never a solid time where I’ve worked on one tab for prolonged periods of time, so you could probably guess my, I guess, attention span has been down in the dumps lately. I blame it on school and whatnot, especially for my Biology class, but part of the reason why I bring this up is that this chapter was written over (?) with the original draft. Like, instead of sacrificing myself to actually rewrite this chapter (which is, still, basically what I did, but through an easier way), I set a new doc and the draft of the chapter side-by-side and tweaked and fixed and adjusted and managed to claw my way out of my old writing that I cringe to look at. So think of it as this rotoscope animation but for writing instead… whatever that means.

Anyway, how are you all doing? To be honest, I’m surprised at myself for how consistent I’ve been with these updates—and I realized that posting once every two weeks is actually pretty… ideal? I guess? It’s all a matter of timing, which, I’ve learned to adjust to over the past few months, especially with editing/rewriting tsrfil along with writing the spring fic, it becomes pretty busy where I stand. But I’ve always had this notion that as long as things get done, then I could’t be all the more happier.

Last time I had relayed that my most recent fixation on YouTube videos was watching stormchaser videos; however, I’ve quickly moved on to watching doctor videos, specifically Doctor Mike LOL. He’s put on as background noise for whenever I do my school work or when I complete all my tasks of the day, he’s usually the one that’s on my computer screen while lazing around in my swivel chair.

There are some things that have changed with his chapter! First off, we have two beautiful, beautiful tsrfil art pieces by my work buddy-slash-friend, asher! I’ll link them here and here. Second, which I’m not sure subscribers relatively noticed—I changed the introduction page of tsrfil to appear cleaner, smoother, and more, I guess, polished? Though the reason this took so long was that I wanted to wait for both the cover arts to release before I started cleaning up the fic itself. The cleanup-slash-embellishing was long overdue; however, I like it when things look good!! As I’m discovering my style, tsrfil will undergo many changes; however, I like the direction I’m taking with it c:

Chapter 11 Aftertalk/Writing Process (RHODODENDRON)

This chapter was by far the most finicky-slash-tedious to get through—motivation aside, I didn’t want to edit—not out of any other treason than laziness. This chapter, I think, fits most with my current writing style as of now—and the past two tsrfil chapters have been adapting into my writing style more than June-me. This chapter was rewritten while I was genuinely drugged up on Montelukast (prescribed by my pulmonologist! No worries!), and honestly, I had myself a good time not being able to think and write whatever I wanted to.

We’re back in Isagi’s garden—and having been four chapters since we last appeared in the garden, you could say my little tool of imagery has been more rusty than before—however, I had to recenter back into myself and take note that the main, I guess, spark of tsrfil is the imagery and the colors. This, by nature, is a colorful story—and this much I take pride in. In tsrfil summer is saturated, in tsrfil summer is bright and filled with all hues of colors—and color has always been important to tsrfi’s premise, both from the standpoint of Rin’s oil paint and as well from Isagi’s garden. Revisiting the same windchimes, cicadas, the orange of the sunset, and the flowers had been nostalgic for me in the same way Rin feels it, as well. I wanted to revisit the way Rin feels in the garden as well—and of course, with the natural science of feeling more soothed in nature, he’s more vulnerable, here, but still on edge from Isagi’s absence and here takes the almost, subtle-but-pivotal turning point in Rin’s still-solidifying feelings on Isagi (not romantic yet!), stated that he feels, almost, empty that Isagi isn’t here with him. I’ve gotten quite a few comments on how well I portray Rin, which is really bizarre to me because despite him being the main POV—he’s the hardest and most toughest character I had to write. Tsrfil-Rin is a very complex individual, and even diving into that complexity raw is something I can’t do because I need to think, clearly, what his behaviors would be in the very moment—what he’d feel, what he’d say—so I’m glad my struggle isn’t as apparent as I think it’d be. He’s so unbearable to write, I can’t help but shake him. Especially with these feelings overlapping all at once—forced-care, pure-care, fear, paranoia, disgust, it’s hard to really, like jam that all into him with one string of a sentence or with dialogue. This is what happens when you write emotionally constipated characters who are too wishy-washy with their feelings.

Only the opening scene and the ending scene were freshly added, actually! The middle had stayed the same, with lots of editing, and we actually get a pretty text-heavy conversation between both Isagi and Rin—and now Rin feels slightly more in-tune with Isagi, if you could say. Rin doesn’t really talk about himself, so I wanted to incorporate Isagi taking the lead in talking about what he loves—the flowers and his reasons for loving them, as well as his hospitalization resulting in taking a long break from gardening. There’d been a lot of emphasis on Isagi as an “illness” throughout these past few chapters, which was intentional—hence why this chapter lacks it, because Isagi is Isagi and not only an illness. We’ve seen Isagi depicted through Rin’s perception of him as an illness, as disgusting as much as Rin allows himself to feel, so I wanted Isagi’s personality to be reiterated. He’s still human. Rin has to realize this.

Feelings (again, not romantic) begin to slip through him, I’d say, pretty heavily in this chapter. Especially with the ending, and disgust is still present from realizing that Isagi slept in his hoodie, yet it’s connected with, almost, yearning? When Rin realizes that his hoodie still smells like Isagi’s lavender, going so far as to clutch it to his chest and run home. About the ending scene, I wanted to show Rin’s resistance to Isagi’s genuine kindness—and Isagi’s opinion and thanking Rin for something that Rin still feels on edge for—and even while being appreciated, being platonically loved—

—Rin walks away from it.

The baggage is finally starting to materialize!! He runs away when Isagi appreciates him! This, by far, is my favorite scene in the chapter—because it shows Rin actively resisting, walking away from Isagi’s kindness, while selfishly comforting himself with the lavender scent of his hoodie. Do you see what I mean, now, when I say Rin is challenging to write? He’s so deep-rooted in his own coldness and his own self-isolation that he doesn’t know what to do with himself when he finally starts caring. I’m still trying to adjust to this now-open version of Rin, and it feels like learning embroidery for the first time—terribly finicky and tedious, if I do say so myself.

I hope I managed to get my words across, even if Montekulast is genuinely taking me by the throat right now. I got prescribed it on Wednesday, and was scared out of my mind when first taking it due to it’s neurophyscriatric events … like no, I do not want to experience vivid nightmares and depression and… hallucinations? There’s a long list of what Montekulast does—but so far I’ve been fine! Weakness and fatigue, though, are pretty much a common side-effect that I feel, as well as loss of appetite, but I’m doing my best to eat T_T I think, though, that there’s some humor in me being medicated because I get to say, “This is what tsrfil-Isagi feels on a daily basis!” Rest assured, there will come a chapter where Isagi’s medicated out. He’s genuinely such a fun character to write. Unlike a certain someone.

sneezing at the end of summer / repeating the smell of june ( your smile, your innocence, saturates the inside of my mind )

I think the guilt got to me way too much—in the middle of writing the rinsagi spring fic, I was consumed by this urge to post this, even though I’ve written it months ago. So with abandoning my writing spring, I quickly opened up the doc to this oneshot, and started editing LOL. I wouldn't call this an extension of tsrfil, by any means, but think of it as this weird companion piece-slash-spinoff..? or something? I'd say it is and isn't connection to tsrfil, both there and not at the same time. not too sure.

I’m not too sure there’s much to say here, rather than the fact that this is the most self-interested and mostly self-motivated fic I’ve ever really done (though, Pathetique Sonata no.8 had originally taken that title), and when writing this, I got taken back to my old days of writing oneshots based on songs. I’m not a one-shot person anymore, yet this is an exception because, as per the author’s note, I was overridden by the songs That Summer Saturates and Shoujorei—and even though tsrfil is inspired by these songs as well, tsrfil is more of a different route than this one-shot takes. I wanted to write a one-shot purely based on the events of the song. To put it in short, That Summer Saturates is about bullying and suicide, while Shoujorei is also the same thing, too—bullying and suicide by being run over by a train. However, I wanted both Isagi and Rin to die at the same time instead of just one dying.

There’s not much lore behind this, either—with as much as the fic explains it, that’s basically what happened—someone who always bullied Isagi and Isagi finally had enough by pushing them off a roof and, knowing he’d be getting caught, runs away. Rin asks him to take him with him, and that’s where they end up—on the railroad, knowing the fate that binds them. Honestly, I’ve always thought about this, but I’ve never had the time to really publish it because it’s only a one-shot. 

The writing process to this isn’t too much either—honestly, this was more of a word-vomit than anything, with no real chapter structure or the framework I’m used to when writing fic. However, I still wanted to upload the writing process because I feel like it’d be weird for me not to. I have a lot of fun writing summer-esque scenery and doomed yaoi—so I wanted to go overboard with this one!

🌻 the summer / rin fell / in love: chapter 10 - LYCORIS RADIATA

Welcome back! Hopefully, the wait wasn’t too long for the publication of this chapter, though I swore to myself I would fit in some time to polish up the chapter, but I got swept up in schoolwork and writing the spring fic that editing completely left my mind. Though I managed to spend the majority of my Saturday polishing and refreshing this chapter so it’d be ready to release!

Before we get to the writing process and after-talk (which, considerably, won’t be that long), how are all of you doing? I hope you’re treating yourself well and faring in the winter season :P Even if it’s winter, it’s uncharacteristically hot where I live, so I haven’t been able to experience the joys of sipping hot cocoa while wrapped up in a blanket because, genuinely, it feels like summer over here. I recently got my bloodwork done (again LOL), and I realize I have a terribly hard time staying still, but the phlebotomist was nice and told me that I’ll be okay even if I did walk out of the clinic light-headed as hell. There’s this specific vein on my right arm that they particularly like, so whenever I get bloodwork done, I always hope that they target the same vein because it’s the easiest to catch—though the phlebotomist said that I should drink more water because my veins are really thin which confused me because the day prior I drank so much water but 💀💀 what can you do LOL.

Recently, I’ve been super fixated on tornado chaser videos—it’s gotten to a point where I can’t go a day without watching them because they’re pretty entertaining to watch LOL—but I’ve also been watching some other videos as well, such as doctor videos and whatnot! Life, though, has been pretty sedentary so far—but I’ve been going on walks over the weekends since I don’t go out a lot except for school. In terms of illnesses, I’ve been doing better! Still weak, but the coughing went away along with the wheezing and the scary chest humming—but I’m glad I’m doing relatively well c:

Chapter 10 Aftertalk/Writing Process (LYCORIS RADIATA)

Different from the last chapter, chapter 10 wasn’t heavily tweaked, with a part from adding in a few things—Rin and Sae’s conversation, mainly, and adding some tweaks to the shower scene as well as the scene where Rin was painting, as I added Isagi’s voice, which disrupted Rin’s workflow. Even with less work, I didn’t have as much fun as I did with the content of chapter 9—reasons being that it wasn’t pre-written and I had to write it out, and second, it was more action-packed with Isagi’s collapse and Rin finding ways to adjust on how to take care of him—using my experience of being ill and everything else, I had immense fun writing the chapter. It’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy working with this chapter, content pretty much necessary, and having to deal with the aftermath of what happened in chapter 9 (processing emotions, what happened, etc), so it’s sort of the this bad thing just happened to me and I need to process it type of chapter—this false sense of recovery and the little sense of hope that maybe, everything will be okay in the future.

Back when writing this chapter, I had sworn to myself that I’d never write a nightmare scene again, and that semi-promise is still holding true to this day—I haven’t written any nightmares ever since chapter 10 and I don’t know if it’s anyone else who feels like this but there’s this sense to nightmares where it’s too dilapidated and malformed to really extrapolate into words—having this randomness to it with the fear and paranoia and the multiple sounds overlapping with each other that even with clear writing it’d never be able to live up to the true horror of a nightmare—not just Rin’s nightmare, but any nightmare. I’ve struggled with trying to adjust it as much as I could—hence why I’m not too picky about a nightmare scene like I am with other scenes that I’m more heavily attached to. Can I talk about coding for a sec? I’m gonna talk about coding for a sec. It’s not that I hate it—quite simple if you actually know what you’re doing, but it’s tedious and mind-numbing and not the best to do when you’re on a timecrunch—though I’ve managed to get used to it with the amount of coding I’ve done for tsrfil.

The shower scene didn’t change much from the original draft—though I only added the mentions of Rin’s scars and his wound that Isagi tore open—nothing too immense that’d take me well over a couple of days. I think in this chapter, we can see the care Rin has for Isagi slipping through the cracks a bit—finally getting around to that rough exterior Rin sets before himself, like the invisible shield he had mentioned. This is more evident when Sae and Rin talk face-to-face for the first time in a few chapters! 

In the original draft, there was already a scene of Sae and Rin talking—same setting and same environment, and I actually had Rin cook the avocado toast for himself rather than Sae. Their conversations were different too—and I’ll put in some free samples as well as showing off my raw writing from June-me.

“Hm,” he says, and Rin’s ears pick up on the distant typing of Sae’s keyboard. “How’s gardening?”

“Fine,” Rin mutters, using the spatula to garner oil among the puffy whites that bubble up from the egg. He doesn’t know what Sae’s expecting with him to say because it’s just the utter truth of his words, that indeed, gardening is fine. It’s just watering and the occasional one-time thing of planting seeds. But the things with Isagi—he’ll keep that hidden away.

“Just fine?” Sae asks, and as he says that, the oil gives out a pop in which some of the liquid lands on Rin’s arm, and he flinches at the hissing burn. He backs away a bit, leans forward, and gathers more oil on the new-blooming egg. The yolk puckers up, turning from orange to a pale-pink. Rin scoops up the egg’s underside with his spatula, plops it right on the first set of toast. 

--

“That’s not what I said at all,” he puts the small slice of his toast down on the ceramic plate, soaking in the blood pool of the yolk and the granite-like pieces of the toast crumbs. “I just—I don’t think I want to know anymore. About his illness.”

It’s scary, if Rin has to be quite honest, although he’ll never articulate that aloud for deafened ears to catch a sound of. To see Isagi in that terribly trembling state in real life with blood on his hands and a pale crimson staining just the corners of his lips—Rin might be severely distant with his emotions, but in that moment, he was scared. Only a tiny bit scared, because in the grand scheme of things, who wouldn’t be? And in the dream, the harshness of how the walls had heartbeats and how Isagi quite literally died in front of him—Rin doesn’t think he has it in him to know Isagi’s illness if he’s distraught by the symptoms Isagi pushes out.

“But you were curious in the beginning,” Sae says. “What happened?”

“He probably did cough up blood,” Sae answers. “Or vomit. Either or. Why does that make you not want to know about his illness, though?”

“Because,” Rin purses his lips and stares deep into his unfinished toast. “It’s—It’s kind of disturbing.”

“But you don’t even know what he has,” Sae argues. “How can it be disturbing if you don’t know what it is? That’s rude.”

“No—no, not the illness itself,” Rin shakes his head, and the only reason for his disturbance kind of pries itself open from the nightmare that he had just minutes prior to making breakfast. “Just—the blood part. And how pale he looked.”

“You’d think with the amount of horror you consume, you’d be used to that.”

“You don’t understand,” Rin groans. “There’s a difference between real life and pixels on a screen.”

“So you’re just scared of blood and pale faces.”

In short, their conversation had been more tame than the one in the released publication. I didn’t like how their old conversation flowed, and especially with my semi-new decision of having Isagi collapse, I obviously had to make adjustments to this chapter as well, catering it to the direction that I had wanted now, as I’m writing this. I wanted Sae to challenge Rin in this scene—both from a brother standpoint and from a medical background standpoint. Recently, I had read The Moon on a Rainy Night by Kuzushiro, and, in short, it delves into the prejudice people harbor towards deaf people and, by extension, prejudice towards people in general who don’t work “normally.” The manga had touched upon the notion that all of us, even if we don’t realize it, are prejudiced in some way—and I sat on that thought and wanted to incorporate that into tsrfil in my own way—hence the conversation between Rin and Sae.

The current time of the story is three days after Isagi collapsed, with Rin still going to the garden, and as said in Rin’s words, Isagi hasn’t gone out of his room. Simultaneously, Isagi’s absence is caused by Rin not reaching out as well, thinking he had done “enough” for Isagi as it was. You can decide if he did enough for yourself—but in Sae’s opinion, having worked in the medical field, lectures Rin on the importance of not only taking care of someone physically but mentally, as well. I can’t spoil too much about Isagi’s illness—the relationship between his body and his head, but to say Isagi has baggage about not being “normal” or “healthy” does affect him more than the story has touched upon—but, eventually, it will.

I honestly can’t say much about this chapter without slipping up and spoiling everything—even with Sae trying to figure out what Isagi has is something that I can’t talk about much—because, now, we actually have possibilities of what Isagi’s illness could be. Rin doesn’t want to find out after all—at least, not now with his current mental state, again being too much to bear to wrap his head around what Isagi has.

Bit of a shorter aftertalk/writing process!! But this chapter was needed to pave the way between the contents of chapter 9 and the next chapter, chapter 11, which I’m heavily excited about, as we’ll be going back to Isagi’s garden and figuring out what’s going on with him c:

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and don’t forget to tell me what you think! I love to see everyone’s comments. Regarding future chapters, they will not be as long as chapter 9 was, and the chapters from here on out are pretty smooth-sailing (ranging from 6k-8k words); however, chapter 13 is a bit of a longer one! 

the summer / rin fell / in love: chapter 8 & chapter 9

Happy New Year! It’s been a while <3 Recently, I’m not having an adequate amount of energy to produce a full-on writing process of each chapter, as life has also cursed me in some type of weird way—being hospitalized, getting pneumonia, with the addition of chronic bronchitis, and having college right around my shoulder, life has been hectic and busy! However, I still want to follow through with these writing processes as of now, as, to me, it’s a unique way to express myself and have readers get to know more about the author behind the words and story!

So welcome to the summer / rin fell / in love chapter 8 + 9 after-talk & writing process!

Before anything, how has everyone been? I hope life has been kind to you, and if not, then I hope that you have the love inside of you to be kind to yourself in hard times, especially with the end of the year having a life and energy shift. Let’s look forward to 2026 with a light heart and a warm mind <3

My days have been filled with writing the rinsagi spring fic, finally beginning the first few chapters of my rinsagi autumn fic (!! so exciting), along with studying Biology as well as other medical-related things (anatomy, microbiology) in order to prepare me for college in around 8 months. I’ve also incorporated much reading as of late—both on AO3 (cityboys, slagpoet), and I’ve also been picking up French + German literature with the sporadic library visits I’m doing over this Christmas break. As for my pneumonia + bronchitis, I’ve been recovering slowly and comfortably, and recovery will last around six months from the severity of the pneumonia, having damaged my lungs beyond relief and still irritated, even a month after being discharged from the hospital. It’s almost comical spending the last months of high school being ill and recovering at the same time, but I’m not too down about it—life happens, your body betrays you, yet the most important thing is even if the world is unkind to you, what matters is that you’re kind to yourself. 

Some important stuff! Now that 2026 is here, I’m gonna show you guys a few things:

This is the year that the summer / rin fell / in love will officially end! If I’m estimating right, it should end around November/December, which leaves us about 11-12 months of being in our tsrfil era :P

Coincidentally, this is also the year that my Rinsagi Spring Fic will officially release! I’ve been working so hard on it, so I hope after tsrfil ends, you guys won’t be devoid of Rinsagi for me, because I have a big, fat, obese fic coming for you directly after it.

I’m close to completing the spring fic—I should be finished with it around June

The Rinsagi autumn fic will officially be written as well

TLDR: tsrfil is ending this year, the rinsagi spring fic is almost done, the rinsagi spring fic is releasing this year, and the rinsagi autumn fic will finally begin its official writing journey this year as well.

I’m so excited for another great year of writing! I cannot believe my Rinsagi spring fic is releasing this year … the amount of planning and writing I’ve done for it is absolutely immeasurable! Even though I have 11-12 more months of waiting, I still have so much excitement, and I hope you all will be staying with me through the journey as well c:

Regarding the Rinsagi Winter Fic: I do not have anything planned for it LMFAO. Do not ask. I don’t even know what it’s gonna be about. #somethingwillhappen #trustandbelieve

🌷: Chapter 8 Aftertalk/Writing Process (PRUNIS DULCIS)

During the two months of writing tsrfil I had tweeted when starting to write this chapter, “how the hell am I going to write this,” and it’s not like struggling with writing visuals was ever difficult for me, but a challenge needing to overcome, and this time, I was especially being challenged—I had no reason why the “me” back then decided it was a good idea to write rin and isagi experiencing a Van Gogh exhibition together and now that I think about it, there was a lot of things wrong with “June-me” over summer break. Thought it was a scene I had wanted to tackle, and Rin being a painter, I wanted to show more of the observable “artist” side of him—being an artist doesn’t mean just doing, but also to “be.” Observing, seeing, looking, experiencing the art you want to be enveloped by, the art you want to mimic, the art you eventually want to become, without shedding yourself of the rawness of your true character. So, a Van Gogh exhibition is what I went to.

The original draft had been more text-heavy than I had wanted it to be, and to fit dialogue in a chapter like this, specifically, had been hard for me to accomplish—to me, going to a Van Gogh exhibition, or any sort of exhibition relying on visuals don’t require much talking. You observe, look at the pretty paintings, and maybe comment here and there to your companion about whatever it is you like about the things you’re seeing, “Hey, that’s really cool,” or “This is pretty.” Typically, I love writing the intrinsics of mundanity (that’s, essentially, the whole premise of my rinsagi spring fic), this time, I didn’t want the chapter to be just words—because dialogue glues the readers more to the story—at least, that’s what I gravitate to whenever I’m reading. To my surprise, there wasn’t a heavy amount of dialogue added in—only some weaved throughout scenes and stuff but it made it more comprehensible (and more comfortable) for me to post and fully be okay with it.

This chapter was written back in June during my mass tsrfil writing days—however, I actually didn’t revisit this chapter until I got hospitalized! So then thing is, ever since I finished writing tsrfil back in July, I immediately picked up writing the Rinsagi spring fic, and there’s this weird thing where, with the spring fic, my writing style began to change massively, and to this day it boggles me that the dichotomy between tsrfil and the rinsagi spring fic are so different, and I much prefer my writing style now, at the current moment. Back to when I was hospitalized, and I don’t know why I decided to do this, but I rewrote the entirety of chapter 8 high on steroids, drugs, and medicine my body wasn’t used to. With a mind barely there, I at least wanted to get something done—so if chapter 8 seems a little different, I guess, to you, then that’s the reason why. That, and also with the shifts of my writing style, I think I’m cementing myself into a more confident writer, especially with constantly writing the Rinsagi spring fic. However, there’s still a long way to go—the writing journey never really ends.

After cooking together, back then, I didn’t have any concrete ideas of where the following chapter should consist of, but with only three words in my “tsrfil plotting notes” of “Van Gogh Exhibition,” I went with that. It’s not a date by any means—Isagi wedged his way in without any type of care for what Rin says or thinks, and there is definitely a reason as to why Isagi’s doing these acts of connection (aka asking Rin to be “friends” with him to only then be semi-gratified with a less-than-acquaintances being the only label shared between them, latching onto Rin’s side by going to the Van Gogh exhibition) and it’s definitely more than what meets the eye, right? Would Isagi have been as eager to go out with someone else rather than Rin, solidifying that it doesn’t have to be Rin to hang out with, thus only proving the importance of a human presence? A presence to be around and to bask in—though in later changes, specialization will, indeed, occur.

Tsrfil Rin is a very private and “I’ll do things myself” person, hence why it’s natural for him to be most comfortable when Isagi isn’t directly by his side in the Van Gogh exhibition—the resistance, or fear, really, to have a connection with Isagi, thus pushing Isagi away, insulting him, saying outlandish things that, only in a dream, would make Isagi fully stray away from him. Tsrfil Isagi, however (and now he’s my new punching bag with us being illness twinsies), is very curious about the world around him, though that’s fair, no? As per his words, “I don’t go out much,” leading him to bring his Instax camera and take pictures with everything that he sees—a type of perseverance of Isagi I haven’t delved into yet and will, eventually, though to say, “Isagi’s ill enough to the point he can’t go out as much as he used to,” wouldn’t be a spoiler—it’s more of an inference thing. He can’t even take care of his own garden, which is synonymous with Isagi being ill enough that he can’t go anywhere else, either. Somewhere along the line, the secrets of Isagi will be uncovered—the vulnerabilities, the rawness, the importance of needing everything in a photograph—and it’s cheesy as much as I know it, but tsrfil Isagi has been a big help during my hospitalization and recovery. Tsrfil, in general, has been almost the backbone of me being mentally okay in a body that doesn’t quite fully love me yet—but we’re getting there.

When Isagi stopped in the sunflower immersive experience and told Rin, “thank you,” it was actually added last-minute—reason being there wasn’t any dialogue when they were in the sunflower experience. I think there’s a lot of, I guess, intimacy in just stopping, breathing, turning around with a smile on your face to say thank you. Thank you for taking me, but is he really thankful? Does his vulnerability tell his words as the truth? Is he as relaxed as he should be, even when he clutches his shirt and stares with no genuine intent behind it? Could Isagi, truly, say thank you to Rin and mean it with all he has? And Rin, not saying anything because he doesn’t know what to say—but he does say something without words, whatever balling his hands into fists and looking down to the ground could mean, he doesn’t take Isagi’s words to heart, either.

So, actually, Isagi's collapse wasn’t in the original draft, either. Though there are similarities with the original draft and the posted draft, as follows: Isagi not feeling good against the wall, Isagi saying he’s fine, but Rin not believing it, dragging Isagi out of the exhibition, leading to Rin taking care of him at the house. However, things change, as always, the chapter ending in Isagi’s collapse. The reason being—the chapter was already long enough, and if I had also altered the last bits of it, it’d end up longer than I’d like. 

So, the easiest way to fix this? Have Isagi collapse and end the chapter.

💐: Chapter 9 Aftertalk/Writing Process (ANEMONE CORONARIA)

Having Isagi collapse had one problem, though.

It changed, basically everything—because now there had been chapter 8 of Isagi collapsing, chapter 9 of a blank doc, then chapter 10 continuing. So, with getting enough discipline on a Saturday night in December, the beloved 13th of December, I sat myself down after finishing my two-hour writing sprint of the Rinsagi spring fic and began writing chapter 9 of tsrfil. Since Isagi's collapse wasn’t in the original draft of tsrfil, thus causing a ripple effect into the chapter after it, I had to act quickly. Originally, I told myself, “I’ll just get this done later,” but here I was, on the couch, writing the chapter away.

This, by far, was my favorite chapter to write—because not only did I have more experience of writing under my belt (5 months of writing the spring fic, I thank you), but I also had pneumonia + bronchitis, which made Isagi’s experience easier to write, and also Rin’s perspective on Isagi as well. So this chapter is just… basically me. I’m not used to writing fear, adrenaline, and panic—and writing this chapter also made me realize how accustomed I am to writing comfort and not action (you can blame Rinsagi spring fic for that), so I had a bit of struggle—but a challenge is always a good challenge. Though I think it was needed for me to get out of my comfort zone in terms of certain genres and scenes of writing.

I think between the time I had finished writing tsrfil to now my sort of process/style to writing has changed quite a bit adopting more of the messier and word-vomit structure of how I write at all; however there’s been this problem recently where I’ve been so accustomed to writing the Rinsagi spring fic that I’ve been completely devoid of getting that “tsrfil-writer-style” adjusted to me. Though I think incorporating the more ~flourished~ style I have now into tsrfil is definitely a challenge, and writing this chapter really, really proved it. This will, more than likely, bleed into the other pre-written chapters as well, so if you think this chapter was massively different than all the others, it’s because I wrote this now instead of past-me back in June-July, who didn’t have as much experience yet. I’m still growing, however, and the quality of my chapters will definitely get more saturated. I think chapter 9 was the starting point of it—but that’s for you to decide.

So I had to think about a lot of things for this chapter. Rin’s reaction to his behavior to Isagi's reaction in general. I wanted to incorporate a lot of my own experience into both the characters, especially with Isagi and me going through the same thing. Rin’s discrimination, however jaded you’d want to look at it, is a real thing that happens in the world, though maybe not exaggerated as his own reaction. As someone who's ill myself, I’m also discriminated for it, and incorporating this prejudice inside Rin isn’t to make him an asshole but to show his own sets of ugliness and faults. This is not how you treat an ill person. Rin’s roughness towards Isagi is not justified. In the fragile state Isagi is in, the most ideal route to go in treating him is to be gentle about it—you have to think quickly and support the person and their needs.

I think the most morally ~challenging~ thing for me to decide was whether or not Isagi should go to the hospital. He didn’t want to—partly out of fear and the hassle of having to be hospitalized, and if I were him, although our experiences aren’t exactly identical, I would say the exact same thing. I wouldn’t want to go to the hospital. I think it’s common to deny help because we think we’ll be fine, and we might be, but in the moment of fear and not doing well, you don’t know that. Here Rin had to make a decision, and ultimately he decided to take Isagi home with the pleas of Isagi and with the almost force of Sae. It’s definitely a lot for him, especially as a seventeen-year-old needing to make a decision that could cause life or death.

Although I haven’t had a flare-up as bad as Isagi’s, I tried to incorporate my experiences with how he felt. After periods of strenuous walking, especially for Isagi, it’s natural for his body to get tired and to shut down. He was so weak he couldn’t move, couldn’t keep his eyes open, and his body was more sensitive than usual—hence why Rin’s fingernail marks stayed embedded in his wrist when he held it when Isagi tried reaching for his wrist to uncover the blood he saw. I will say that Isagi wasn’t in his right mind to make decisions at all, but he wasn’t wrong, either.

Isagi digging his fingers directly over Rin’s scar was added on whim without much thought into it, but now that I’m here processing it, I haven’t delved into Rin’s scars or his past of self-harm, which is intended for later chapters; however, I think having an introduction to it wouldn’t hurt so bad. 

I’m gonna get a little sensitive here, so if you have any triggers about weight, please skip this paragraph and go on to the next one c: Isagi being light isn’t to shed a “weaker” and more “vulnerable” light on him because it’s a direct cause of his illness—speaking from experience here, getting pneumonia + bronchitis at the same time + everyday blood draws absolutely killed my appetite and because I was so weak I lost around 20 pounds in the hospital and I was terribly, terribly light. Even now, I’ve only gained some weight after being hospitalized, but nothing close to the sustainable amount to have me functioning normally. Isagi being delicate is only due to his illness, and really, I wish I could spoil and tell you his illness right away, but that’s for a different chapter LOL. and no, he doesn’t have pneumonia or bronchitis.

But what I will tell you is that Isagi was definitely experiencing cyanosis, which means the parts of your body turn a purplish/blueish color from the lack of oxygen your body receives—most commonly around your lips and fingers. He was also experiencing swelling in his fingers, which is a common side effect of his illness (wink wink).

So the most important thing Isagi needs, without going to the hospital, is rest, water, and warmth. Getting chills is nothing unusual in having a flare-up, which brought about another thing—Rin giving Isagi his hoodie. Logically, what else could he do? Plus, it makes for an important plot point later.

Having Isagi say Rin doesn’t want to leave is also a part of me, in a way—and I don’t know how comprehensible this is if you’re not ill yourself, but it’s not like this story is completely gate-kept from healthy people, or people who can function normally—but whenever you’re having a flare-up, hospitalized, or experiencing the side effects of your illness (fatigue, pain, numbness) it’s really, and I mean, really comforting when you have someone just there with you. The person doesn’t have to say anything, they don’t have to try—because just being there is enough. I think this also applies to things beyond having an illness as well. However, to the people reading this, if you magically have a friend who is ill, let me tell you that it means so, so much to them if you’re just there. Just be there with them. And if you’re ill yourself reading this, or going along with tsrfil, then please do not hesitate to ask your friends or family to just stay with you for a certain period of time. I hope you guys can learn something from tsrfil and my experience with being hospitalized, as well as treating people with illness with gentleness and, still, fairness—because at the end of the day, we’re people too c:

So, Rin stays with him until he falls asleep. That’s the least he can do—and having the chapter end with a little ambiguity was the exact thing I wanted.

📑: Final Words + Thoughts +  Hospitalization

So, there you have it! Chapter 8 + 9 aftertalk and a bit of the process I was going through when writing it c: Even though my getting hospitalized was an unfortunate thing, it taught me a lot about prejudice, illnesses, and the overall way of how to be treated when you’re ill. Tsrfil was something I could rely on when I was going through the peak of my pneumonia and recovery, and I still rely on it now, as silly as it is.

A little bit about the hospitalization, I was diagnosed with thick pneumonia in the lower lobe of my right lung, and a little over a month later, with chronic bronchitis. I was actually feeling a little weak on the 21st of October, but I passed it off as having a cold, and let me tell you—this was the sickest I’ve been. My bones were aching, and I was in so much pain—walking was a struggle, and I could only stand for about one minute before I felt like passing out. I couldn’t type, I couldn’t write on paper—my whole body was completely shut down, along with my brain, which couldn’t produce a single thought because it was too much energy to. At that point, fluid was already building up in my lungs. I finally managed to get a chest X-ray, was diagnosed, and then I was rushed to the emergency room.

I don’t want to be dramatic, but in the emergency room, I was already dying.

For my medical-nerds out there and for people who are just curious, here are my stats: my heart rate was over 140bpm at rest, I was experiencing cyanosis as my lips were blue, my face was so pale, and the most concerning thing for me in all of this was that my SPO2 (the amount of oxygen in your blood) was at 87%. That is TERRIBLE. The normal SPO2 percentage is supposed to be 98%-100%, and the fact that mine was so low, I was put on oxygen and temporarily diagnosed with acute respiratory failure.  

I’m not going to get too vent-heavy here, but I genuinely thought (and, I practically was) that I was dying—but more than that, “What will happen to tsrfil?” “Will I ever be able to post the rinsagi spring fic?” “What about college?” “What about my readers?” “It’s genuinely over for me,” I admit. I was scared. I was terrified. This was the closest to death I’ve ever been, even when I’m so young. And generally, I’ve always been on the more delicate side, so being this weak didn’t surprise me, but still, I was horrified. 

Being in the hospital for four days wasn’t so bad—I was put on antibiotics and steroids, it wasn’t really painful besides getting my blood drawn and the nurses flushing my IV’s (tell me why that hurts so bad??). Since my brain was so foggy, I couldn’t think, and I was not able to feel as much as I wanted to. I could only feel bodily things—the tingle of my fingers, the congested feeling of my chest, the scratch of my throat lingering after I coughed, and the terrible pain of the needles and bloodwork. I think it was more painful because my body was significantly weaker at that time. 

Pneumonia completely, and I mean completely terrorized my body in more ways than one. My lungs are damaged and so scarred, and my body has been changed to where everything I do needs to be delicate. It’s frustrating to live with so many precautions and living in a way that I’m still grappling with, but I’m adjusting to it even a month after being discharged. 

So, that’s a little summary about my hospitalization! I was completely destroyed LMFAO. But I hope this gives you more insight into me, and, by extension, tsrfil!

Anyways, my last closing thoughts. I just got my bloodwork done to diagnose the possibility of me being anemic 💀 It wasn’t so bad—the person was really nice! Though it feels like my life has been a constant visit to medical clinics and stuff. But I guess having pneumonia, bronchitis, and anemia at the same time isn’t… horrible. Definitely flabbergasted at how messed up my body is, though. To think I was perfectly healthy beforehand.. jesus.

I also recently watched Heated Rivalry! Solid 7/10 for me, I really loved it!

That’s all from me. If you read this, thank you so much, and kudos to you for getting through this word-vomit LMFAO! I’m always going to appreciate every single support you guys give me, and I’ll keep working hard for you guys to get tsrfil fully published <3

if i have to be honest, i can’t put my feelings into words.

i think it’s because, for me, a birthday couldn’t be further from a regular day—not free from the mundanities of everyday life as i’m still plastered with responsibilities—doing laundry, showering, putting my clothes away, homework, vacuuming, all the other micro habits that i have yet to do and no incentive to do them. i don’t think it’s normal to dread a birthday, by any means, but the days leading up to my birthday have been filled with my friends lecturing me, i don’t care if you keep saying you want to do nothing for your birthday, we’re doing something whether you like it or not, and pick a food place before i pick it myself and drag you to it.

this is mostly my fault as i’m terribly allergic to being celebrated, to being loved, to being catered to all because of the day i was born. again, this allergy of mine is terribly my fault for the simple reason of it being: i don’t think i deserve to be celebrated. i don’t think i deserve the presents, or deserve a dinner where i’m surrounded by people that love me because i think it’s unnecessary to. partially because i don’t think i’ve done enough for me to be worth any sort of kindness or love or the compassion that even curls around me in everyday life—i don’t think i deserve it, because i haven’t done enough to deserve it in the first place. it’s not anything born out of self-hatred, for sure, it’s only because i’m never satisfied with myself as a whole. you’re proud of me? i still need to do more. you want me to take a break? i still want to do more. you think i should take a break for at least a day? i still haven’t done enough for me to be satisfied.

it’ll be like that for a long time. it’s more fuel for me to complete my projects, to complete the goals that i want to achieve.

originally, (as, maybe four people have guessed it), my base plan for my birthday was this: write, write, write, maybe eat a cheesecake, write.

this, of course, frustrated my friends.

i’d be frustrated too—if my friend told me she’d want to write on her birthday even though she writes every day. i write in the mornings before school, in classes (in free time), during my breaks, during lunch, when i get home from school, and finish my homework. daily. i don’t take breaks (sleeping doesn’t count) and, obviously, they know this—which is why they were initially frustrated. though if you’re close to me you’d know i’m stubborn—it’s a horrible trait of mine, stubborn enough to overwork myself even on a celebratory day, but with a one-track mind, there’s no other option for me. i want to do this. it’s not that writing is an abusive relationship, or that the connection between me and writing is devastating—it’s something else that i can’t describe and i always fluctuate between if my obsession with writing is either one of two things, passion or mental illness. it’s probably mental illness, but i’m delusional to label it as passion, instead. 

though, i guess, through another year of living: i want to be kinder to myself. more, i guess, tender with my heart and this griping habit of me overworking myself until my fingers are numb and physically can’t work anymore. i want to feel like it’s okay to give myself a break and this, too, will take time. this is more of a need and to save my sanity rather than it is a deeply personal want—though for the sake of myself i’d want to at least treat myself better. 

i like writing, i like being dedicated, i like to grind and grind and grind and it’d take a while for me to balance health with writing and, whatnot, but i think it says a lot about me as a person when i haven’t given up on my projects, and i won’t for a long time.

only for my birthday, and i can’t believe i’m letting myself do this, but i’m finally (?) allowing myself to rest. maybe. possibly. i migh sneak some writing in at night—and i think i need to have a more positive view on taking breaks. for me, taking breaks is betraying myself because there’s this thought in my mind, if you’re not writing, the hell are you good for? safe to say there was a period of time that overworking became too prominent it had me feeling that even sleeping was unproductive. i need another form of motivation that isn’t toxic LOL—but being disciplined surpasses motivation a lot, in my case.

however, here’s a running list on what keeps me going in terms of editing tsrfil and writing the spring fic because sharing oddities are better than nothing

Nightcord at 25:00 — this group has carried me through writing, like, EVERYTHING. it’s so stupid to say this but they’re my bulk of discipline, and this video helps me so, so much with focus and whatnot. i would not be as fast as i am writing if they didn’t exist

Maria Marionette — I never talk about vtubers but maria has been my oshi ever since she debuted!! She’s so dedicated and has so many goals that she wants to achieve and she achieves them every time can only yearn to work just as hard as her. My favorite ever..

Flowers

Songs…?

Classified

There you go—a whole bunch of nothing as a birthday post and, really, i think this is the most laziest day (?) i’ve had in the months of continuously writing, writing, and writing. all i did today was wash linens from my medical center, play genshin for like three hours, then take a nap before i was forced to go to kbbq with my friends. Though I think I needed this heavily, especially since i’m going to get back writing again as soon as tomorrow starts and with NaNoWriMo coming up in November, i have a lot going on for me. 

It’s been too long since I’ve been kind to myself, too long since i’ve taken a break and hung out with my friends and, honestly, it gives me more energy to write. Although the amount of sentimentality i have for my birthday is unexpectedly low, i’m grateful to be able to live another year and see where life takes me.

For my long-term projects, it’s as follows:

Finish publishing tsrfil

Complete rinsagi spring fic

Complete rinsagi autumn fic (already planned !! :p)

Complete rinsagi winter fic (haven’t thought about the premise… i need to do that asap)

And after that, what else?

I’m not sure.

Though I’ll be here for a while, a long, long while. Tsrfil’s runtime is already dangerously long as it is and with how the spring fic is shaping along—i guarantee it’ll be twice as long as tsrfil. Autumn and winter will be long too. This is only the beginning, honestly, of my presence here and of my label (?) as an author/writer but the amount of love and kindness i receive from everyone means the world to me, and i’m eternally grateful.

Thank you, all, for your kindness. I needed the rest today, as, without getting into personal details, life has been way too hectic but i’m still pulling through.

🍑 : the summer / rin fell / in love: chapter 7 - CITRUS SINENSIS.

hello, hello!!

it’s been ~roughly~ a month since i’ve posted here! i hope the majority of september and the beginning of autumn has been treating you all kindly and tenderly <3

First of all—thank you all so much for the recent love on chapter 7! i remember posting it today and i was like, “yeah, i’m gonna take a nap.” then, after, i was so surprised to see the chapter already getting comments LOL. i’m so grateful!!

Second of all,

I will never write a cooking chapter again.

Like, at all. I will never write cooking ever again unless if i absolutely need to do. It’s not that I hate cooking, I think cooking is great, yet writing it is kind of—hard? Maybe it’s just me but it’s hard to write a cooking chapter without it sounding like a running list of ingredients—and cooking is, like, a very direct process. “First you do this, then this, then you have to do this,” so it’s really, like, clear cut. Not to mention incorporating the savory scent of shrimp, the sizzle of the skillet, the warmth of the kitchen, and, to June-me, it was a challenge. I was like, “man, why couldn’t i do something that didn’t cause me pain LOL.” so if anyone wants a cooking chapter again, sorry… i just… can’t do it LMFAO.

I remember searching up “easy home-cooked recipes” and came across the creamy pesto pasta (you can also substitute it with rice!), so i was like, alright, i’ll do this. I don’t really remember the whole, like, process of writing chapter 7, but there’s a clear realization i came across when finally editing it. So, I was doing rice as a substitute for pasta, and then after I wrote the entirety of chapter 7, I realized something.

I forgot to mention a rice cooker. 

But I was like, “eh, i’ll add that in when the edits for this chapter come along.”

Turns out you shouldn’t procrastinate things. Fortunately, I don’t think there’s anything special about a rice cooker, so with lazily adding it into a paragraph that I forgot about, I was good.

As always, adding things last minute things is always a guarantee. Originally, Rin wasn’t as touch-phobic in the draft; he was okay with being touched, and I was like, “yeah, no.” It’s more of a projection on my part, where I absolutely hate being touched and one tiny poke will set me off. I remember sitting at a dinner table at this restaurant with my family and, without me knowing, my cousin came behind me and slapped her hands on my shoulders and said, “Hey!”

Lighthearted, and it didn’t hurt, but my body naturally flinches, and I start to feel really cold whenever I get touched by someone, and I almost cried LOL. I still love her, though! 

I wanted Rin to hate touch (that is, later on, very much cleansed), and partly it’s Isagi’s fault for originally tying the apron way too tight. Was that pulled out of nowhere? Yes. But did I enjoy it? Of course! 

Cooking aside, not much of it was changed, and the only thing that was changed was Isagi and Rin’s interactions (I mean, who's surprised?) They bicker and banter more here, and the little snippet about Rin being suicidal was added a few weeks ago, along with Isagi telling him about Meru by n-buna. I wanted to pepper little conversations between these two to, at least, try to ease the awkward tension, but there’s still a long way to go.

In the original draft, Rin was actually going to agree to be Isagi’s friend.

But I said, “nope, we’re changing that.”

So, less-than-acquaintances they are—partly out of pity because of Isagi’s mini vent/honest feelings about being shunned because he has an illness. Which is also rude on Rin’s part for having those thoughts of prejudice about Isagi in the first place. I don’t want this story to be perfect; I don’t want Rin to immediately warm up to Isagi and like him for who he is. We judge whether it’s right or wrong, we want people to love us whether it’s right or wrong, and we want a companion no matter how good or bad we are. It’s nuanced. Things take time, acceptance takes time, being friends with people takes time.

Regardless, we all deserve to have a friend.

I’m really, really grateful to cole (purplew on tumblr, vishineovka on twt) for editing this chapter and putting his input! Reading his comments was hilarious, and I’m so excited to have you here <3

Side tangent, but I was doing some last-minute editing with my beta-reader Jellybean while we were calling at, like, 12 AM, and when she went into the doc and saw cole’s profile she asked me, “Is that Trisha Paytas?” and i was like “Is it? I don’t know LOL.” Which, is really funny because a few days ago I was watching a full deep-dive on Trisha Paytas’s whole timeline when i got home from school 😭 

🌸 the summer / rin fell / in love: chapter 6 - IPOMOEA PURPUREA

You know when you look at something you have to do, and say “yeah, i don’t wanna do that?”

That was me with this chapter, writing and editing.

Out of all the chapters I’ve written in tsrfil, this was the hardest to grasp. See, the only “plot” that June me comes up with, and even to this day, are the basic plot points in my crowded notes. It followed, “rin paints, plants morning glories, isagi makes refreshers.” Did this tell me the direction I wanted to take? Somewhat. Throughout the entirety of writing tsrfil these short plot points have carried me to completing the story, so I’d like to think it’s doing me more good than harm. I use short statements to get me far, and my fingers will do whatever they want to uphold the semi-clear image that I store inside my head.

See, I didn’t want to sideline Rin’s paintings—why would I? I can’t have “Painter Rin” in the tags if I don’t show him painting. Now that I’m writing this, I realized that I never specified what Rin usually paints—so to say it in simplicity's sake: sceneries, mock-paintings of getting structure down (like apples, buildings, etc), some mock-paintings of Van Gogh, and other stuff you’d headcanon. for him to paint. Maybe he’d paint a skull—whatever you’d want. Just not flowers—until he visits Isagi’s garden. 

Also, I changed the tulips to zinnias. The snapdragons stay the same, though. I just—I just couldn’t have a flower that blooms only in spring to be in Isagi’s garden in summer. Like, i really tried to ignore it and say “ok it’s just fiction—y’know, tulips can bloom in summer in the tsrfil universe,” and over time, I was okay with it—but later down the line I got so nitpicky and I was like “ok whatever I’m gonna change it LMFAO.”

The thing is, I didn’t want to outwardly say that Isagi’s garden affected him. How boring would it be if I wrote, “Rin was affected by Isagi’s garden. It made an impact on him that was so unfamiliar to him.” Like, no. First of all, that doesn’t even say anything. Secondly, I can only tell you so much—I need to show it. So, to me, it’d make more of an impact if Rin painted the remnants of what is left of Isagi’s garden. He had already painted begonias; he had already sketched withering flowers. Out of all the things I could’ve chosen for him to paint, I chose for him to paint the parfait and two morning glories beside it. 

To me, it was the most logical—events happening recently, of the simple memento of a parfait and the eventual planting of morning glories, so I think combining them was more of a self-indulgent thing than anything else. Whenever I indulge in my watercolor paintings, I’d, more often than not, write a poem to accompany them. Is the poem and watercolor good as a standalone? Absolutely. What does this have to do with Rin’s paintings of a parfait and two morning glories? Not much—because if Rin painted a singular parfait, it’s good as a standalone. If he painted the two morning glories, it’d also work as a standalone. Yet I think combining them together is a nice touch—and I know that a simple painting shouldn’t be delved into too much, but, you know, I don’t care.

As accustomed I was with sunsets, writing the setting here was more of a whiplash—because, one, the only times Rin goes to the garden is during the sunset and two, to me I feel like there’s not much of me to pour out into the scenery and lighting of an early, summer afternoon. It’s basically midday when Rin subjects himself to planting morning glories. So writing this felt like I was trying to rework my brain into something that I’m not too vehemently attracted to. What’s the most aesthetic that a midday summer atmosphere could get? Infinite, clear blue sky, some clouds in sight, no orange glow—yada yada yada. However, tsrfil needed that change of the day—it can’t be sunsets all the time, and it also gets me accustomed to other sceneries too! (thank god because in my spring fic there’s more blue skies and early sunsets rather than late afternoons. Ty tsrfil for that prep.)

Too staggering to me, Rin and Isagi’s interactions weren’t as problematic to fix as chapters 4-5 have been. They bicker, they banter. Isagi offering the gardening gloves to Rin is a direct reference to how he had offered his water bottle when Rin was overworking himself at the Blue Lock gym in season 2 before the U20 match. This doesn’t come without Rin pushing him away—and between them, there’s a lot of back and forth which, ultimately, results in Rin getting punched in the face not with Isagi’s fist but with leather gloves. Isagi can’t get through to Rin with words alone, so physical altercations have to take place. Did I pull Isagi slapping Rin with his leather gloves straight out of nowhere? Indeed, I did. Do I regret it? No. Rin deserved it, and I wanted to showcase that Isagi isn’t this soft, submissive person. He bites back, rightfully, even if it’s from the result of a petty back-and-forth.

Alright, so, why refreshers? Lo and behold, it was a tray of refreshers I saw on Twitter. Now came the unnecessarily difficult part—choosing what flavors. You’d think that choosing flavors would be easy, and perhaps it is—but I think about everything. It comes down to the presentation of the refresher, the fruit inside of it—the color, literally everything. “Numen, it’s just a refresher.” I know. And flowers are flowers, the sun is the sun, the grass is just the grass. A refresher is a refresher. Why not make it a good one?

See, with drinking the refreshers together on the couch, it again warrants more conversation—and I’d say I was pretty lenient with myself in allowing Rin and Isagi to actually, like, talk. You know, there comes a point where simple small-talk and curt words don’t support the progression of the story. No, they’re not buddy-buddy, but it’s enough where they co-exist. I didn’t want all of their baggage to spill—what’s the point of the slow burn tag, if that were to happen? Yet I guess you can say that they get along—somewhat. Rin is still on guard with the amount of depth he has to his oil paint, and Isagi’s not as much of an open book as he’s honest. Rin asking questions? Isagi’ll indulge. Not too much, though.

June-me, writing this, I had to see where the dialogue between Rin and Isagi was to take me, and it ended up in more introspection of the two as singular people rather than being together. We know Isagi loves flowers, coming together with the symbolism—we know Isagi is somewhat curious about Rin’s hobby, not too much of an overstepping boundary, but to at least know about him. The thing is, I had to think about Rin in a canon perspective and in a tsrfil perspective. Yes, he hides things—but it’s not like he’s a heavy gatekeeper. Like, if someone asked for his favorite food, he’d probably throw a snide remark followed by “ochazuke.” I think Rin can talk about himself, but in the back of his mind, he has to be cautious about his words, not for the feelings of others but for his safety. Reveal too much? He’s done for. So, I wanted Rin to discreetly talk about his oil painting—the surface level of it. No way would Rin reveal all his baggage to Isagi.

Early planning, I jotted down the ideas I wanted to put into tsrfil. One of them was “cooking together.” And I thought, okay—forced proximity. It’s too early for them to actually go out and explore the world, so I decide to do what? Tackle the cooking together idea by making Rin’s stomach grumble terribly loud mid-bickering. He’s embarrassed, rightfully, who wouldn’t be after a loud growl of a stomach? He didn’t eat at all. With more bickering, I knew I had created a segue into them cooking together. That’s where the chapter ends, and they cook together in chapter 7. Actually, them cooking together was gonna be in chapter 6 too, but that’d be a stupid 14-15k worded chapter of them bickering and cooking and I didn’t want that to happen. Hence, the split.

Now that I’m here talking about chapter splits—i might as well get this out of the way, but tsrfil had undergone the surgical process of being amputated. When I tell you, originally this story was supposed to be 19 chapters—but the thing is, the chapters were so disgustingly enormous, bordering on 11k-12k words per chapter. Like, no—and after splitting, a 19-chapter story quickly became a 28-chapter story. Are the 28 chapters solidified? Yes and no. I have everything written out, but towards the 20 region of the chapter and beyond, chapters get significantly longer, like, over 10k, but it’s a needed 10k, and I’m still not sure if I should split it.

I’m quite terrified of tsfril being 30+ chapters—but if I feel the need to split, then I’ll split LMFAO. Tsrfil being 30+ chapters is more likely than I’d like it to be, but it’s nowhere near the number of chapters that my upcoming spring fic will have (i’m shaking in my boots knowing that the possibility of it being 75+ chapters is way more guaranteed than I’d like it to be LMFAOO.)

I hope to note that whenever writing processes fly out along with the chapter, know that I always add things last minute. Rin and isagi bicker more, here, and I had to add it not quite for the sake of the story but for the sake of myself. I’m not too much of a professional nitpick as I am impulsive, because I was, like “I need rin and isagi to banter more, here” in a way that is true to themselves, and that is, also, selfishly, true to me.

See, my best friend, let’s call her kei, has a real bad potty mouth. Her vocabulary is full of good insults and wonderful, wonderful strings of cuss words. I told her to give me her arsenal of cuss words, and she did not disappoint. Most of rinsagi’s banter is mini slices of me and kei’s bickering and bantering because we bicker a lot. We throw out “stop it’s” and “fuck yous” and “shut the fuck ups” to each other whenever we meet—but god, do we love each other. And, also, my beta reader jellybean (who is, also coincidentally, my best friend), we bicker sometimes too, and i get a good chunk of her vocabulary as well. We’re all a dumb little trio of stupid high school girls on the cusp of graduation, and this dumb little trio inspires my dumb dumb banter for rinsagi. Jellybean and kei are always carried inside of my heart, and i love them too much, and have to put the remnants of them inside of tsrfil. Thank you, jellybean and kei, for being my best friends, and i could never trade the love you guys give me for anything else <3

🌷Writing Process

Now that i have enough brain to conjure up my own writing process (mostly because Decorate by n25 just came out and i was reminded of the reason why i write and yes that song will be added to my spring rinsagi fic when it comes around), my writing process is based on two things: songs and scenery.

Whether that’s weird or not, is up to you.

Back in my old and amateur writing days, I was two things. 1. A one-shot writer and 2. Someone who’d base their oneshots off of songs. All of my stories are archived now, thank goodness. 

Whenever I listen to a vocaloid song, and if I can connect that to anything that I'm currently writing, oh yeah that vocaloid is being milked. I look at the lyrics, I feel the vibe and the emotion and the story behind the music and the voices and the melodies that are in the song. I look at the MV and see what colors they use, how kind or rough it is, and my fingers get to work. Sounds and visuals cannot be fully translated to words on a screen which is why i work around it—i like to decorate my story, adorn it with things i like and all of the pretty interactions and the pretty sceneries while the emotions under that prettiness are more heavy, are more dark and full of baggage. A song can sound wonderful, yeah? That’s the skin—the lyrics is the blood under it. Have you ever heard a song and the melody is really upbeat, but the lyrics are actually the most grotesque thing you’ve ever seen/heard? Yeah. 

So, when I write, I don’t really listen to songs. Back when writing tsrfil, the only songs I’d listen to were a part of the playlist on low volume. For some scenes, though, I’d blast songs like scrape, glow, and nomad in my ears to really feel what I was writing. I used to listen to ambient music like classical, piano, and lofi in the early chapters of tsrfil but I stopped. I often put on this video on one of my tabs, and just—write. I write for an hour, take a twenty-minute break, then get back to writing again, and it goes on from the morning to night, where either I finish the chapter, or I’m just on the brink of exhaustion to even write. Now that I think about it, chapters of tsrfil were completed every 1-2 days, sometimes going on to 4 because of the longevity of some of the chapters (im looking at you chapter 24. I hate you.), so, yeah.

 I think it’s kind of stupid how much Nightcord at 25:00 helped me to write tsrfil even if the video is straight up silence, typing, and the occasional talking between the members. But Nightcord at 25:00 was my motivator—and, I swear, without them, I wouldn’t have the drive to finish this fic.

I used to view writing as a mannequin. To this day, I still do. Look at a mannequin. It’s bare—okay, what do you wanna put on it? You look at your favorite outfits, you look up on the internet how to make an outfit, you look at all of the designs and the fashion and the colors you love. Is the outfit better with or without jewelry? What kind of earrings would go perfectly with it? Is it better with a corsage or a bracelet adorned in jewels? What do you want to convey on that mannequin? Do you want to put a dress on it with a bunch of lace designs and ribbons? Do you want it to be sleek and chic with a navy suit and a boutonnière pinned onto it? What do you want?

To me, writing is a mannequin. To me, writing is makeup—should I use matte pink eyeshadow or glittering pink eyeshadow? Should I wear lip gloss or lipstick? Should I use a word to add to a sentence or take away from it? What do I want a paragraph to convey?

So, writing is embellishing. Embellishing a mannequin, plucking out the feelings from sceneries like weeds to turn it to something greater, to reach inside of your soul, not to tear it out, but to let your fingers become dyed in the shifting colors of your worthy, dazzling, soul, and splat those colors onto whatever you create. You decorate, decorate, decorate, decorate, decorate, decorate, decorate, and decorate until you look back and think, “I was able to become someone that I can love.”

That aspect is important to me—to adorn, to decorate, to embellish. It’s not just writing, what I do that with—it’s everything. The makeup I wear, the fashion I put on my human body of my short height, and participate in playing dress-up behind a closed door and inside of my pink room with fake, pink wisteria flowers hanging from my ceiling and the fake, baby pink cherry blossoms lining my bed. It’s the hairstyles I do every day—should I do a ponytail? Pigtails? Half-up-half-down? It’s the hairclips I fit into my hair, the glitter of eyeshadow I use around my eyes, the cute little jewels I put under my eyes, the light pink blush I put on my cheeks, and the mascara I use to swipe up my eyelashes. I do it with graphic design, the floral arrangements I make willingly, and in my floral class, and how I design my tote bag for school. You protect all these things that are dear to you.

So, my writing process is a mannequin. Is decorating. It is songs, and scenery, and these questions that surround my head every day, “What kind of kindness do you want? What kind of happiness do you want? What kind of writing do you want? What kind of love is to be put in this story of just words through a screen, never to be physically felt like a quilt blanket, never to be smelled like lavender, never to be heard like a flute? What kind of things do you want your words to do to eyes that can pluck out the meaning of simple sentences?”

Similar to my last writing process of chapters 1-5, I love scenery. I love sunsets, I love flowers, fork found in the kitchen—I swear, I should go to a hospital. Oftentimes, I open up Pinterest, find a photo I like (usually of a sunset sky and flowers, duh), and I just. look at it. That’s all I do. First, I look—then the feelings come after. What kind of interactions would be here? Would someone be crying in this scenery? Experiencing their first love confession? Experiencing heartbreak? A bit chaotic, I know—but I can't be the other way. I have to know what I want to adorn with my writings and treat it like a mannequin, and all of these other outlandish things that are dear to me. 

It’s almost comical how the song Decorate by n25 made me finally click and realize what my writing process is. Maybe it’s messy, maybe it’s unconventional (who the hell bases their entire story and song lyrics? Who the hell views words on a screen as a mannequin?), but it works for me. Tsrfil’s writing process was and is literally that—loving songs, loving sceneries, seeing what other people don’t see in the sunset, in the flowers, in literally the world. 

Should rinsagi be making me feel this amount of—I don't know—catharsis? I don’t know—i really don’t. Should my writing process be this extensive? I don’t know—I don’t want to know, I’ve never done this before—write down my thoughts and let whatever opinions fester inside of it. 

This is my first time being an embodiment of things that I love—and I admit, it’s overwhelming. The love tsrfil receives with warm hands is overwhelming to me, the comments I get overwhelm me, the kudos, the subscriptions, the bookmarks, the love—it overwhelms me. I have never had many eyes on me, and I’m someone who shuts herself off to be alone. Despite the cute clothes I wear, and despite the cute makeup I wear, at school, I’m alone, everyday, because I want to be—and I push people away to anyone who wants to talk to me at school—it’s not like I don’t like being seen, or that I’m afraid of it—but that I’m naturally someone who closes in on her skin not for a reason of anything else but the notion, leave me alone. I pride myself in not being relevant enough for people not to have crushes on me, yet somehow—I’m always seen, I’m complimented, I’m loved—I don’t know how to handle it, I still don’t, one day, I will. 

So for someone who has not experienced love in the past, or has experienced affection, attention, yeah—it’s scary. Especially since tsrfil is actually the real thing of an actual story, of a plot, of an actual ending—I’m overwhelmed. Love, disgustingly, overwhelms me.

Yet despite that, I’m still grateful. I’m still awestruck—because everyone has been so kind to tsrfil, and, I don’t know, kindness is always something that makes me cry. My heart glows too much—it feels like it’s about to burst beautifully—or something, anything—and, because of all of these things, the bouquet of summer flowers that is the summer / rin fell / in love, the whole decoration of a writing process, the things I love, the sunsets, the colors of the clouds and the sky and everything beyond it—

—I cry, and I think to myself, “I’m finally becoming someone who can love herself.”

And I hope, one day down the line, you’ll be able to think to yourself either because of me, or because of anything else—

—that you can finally become someone who loves themselves as well.

💐: the summer / rin fell / in love

i don’t know how to work tumblr, so bear with me, here. originally, when tsrfil was set to end, i had thought “you know, i’ll just make a big fat tumblr post explaining my writing process” however that’d take way too much time and i’d probably forget the reasons why i used specific plot points or whatever the heck i’ve written about.

for every chapter (or, at least, a few days after the chapter) i think a writing process would be nice to accompany it—thoughts, introspect, conceptualizations all plucked out of me from, like, two months ago. this post covers chapters 1-5!

OKAY. so. the summer / rin fell / in love: the overview.

how did it all happen? three things: part-time job at my neighbor's garden, obsession with the vocaloid producer fin, and my fixation on rinsagi. 

alright, alright—super vague. i started writing tsrfil at the beginning of June, and had i known i’d be writing 8+ hours a day over the course of a month and a half, I think i’d die. “me? writing everyday? yeah, in my dreams.” 

i remember posting a draft of the summer / rin fell / in love on my priv twitter, like one of those ao3 post thingies and i said “who's ready for this (i haven’t written a single word nor do i have a plot lmfao).” little did i know i’d create something terribly massive to the point where i couldn’t consider myself human for how much i wrote. like, all i was dependent on was water to save for my small appetite and that i just… don’t eat food. got called crazy a bunch of times. do i care? no.

titling was the easiest part, but i did have some others in mind:

the summer / rin fell / in love (obviously)

flowers and syrup, the last train (thank you n-buna)

admiring the / late-blooming / cherry blossoms

i wanted something to the point. the second one references an album from n-buna, the third one is the title of a keeno song and i was like, "that doesn't really encapsulate summer" (plus, i made the third one the name of my spring fic which is so much better)

so, the summer / rin fell / in love it was. the slashes was actually inspired by the song D/N/A by azari.

i compared alternate titling: the summer rin fell in love to the summer / rin fell / in love. maybe i'm a nitpick, but i like the slashes more as it gives uniqueness. i was gonna do the summer / rin fell / in love (flowers and syrup, the last train) but i'm not too heavy on long titles. too much clutter, too much to read, but yk, i didn't really care.

chapter titled are scientic names of flowers, specified in the summary. often with the summaries, you'd see the flower name, along with... microscopic titling.

like, the first chapters summary is:

amaryllis. because summer is soon to end - morning haze (dream)

does this mean anything? yes and no. reeling back, there are three vocaloid producers kept in mind when writing tsrfil. fin, keeno, and n-buna, specifically their album, flowers and syrup, the last train. all these producers have albums, and since they're my fav artists, i wanted to insert them in my fic.

because summer is soon to end (first song of fastlt) - morning haze (first song of the "before light" album by keeno), and dream (first song of the fin album called dream). each chapter's summary has each song of the albums, and when i was writing and plugging it in, i got quite excited and was like "ooh, i wonder what mysterious summary i'll put in next!!"

so i'd say that it means something depending on the context of the chapter. i'm not a very big summary person.

honestly, i had to ask myself multiple times when i was writing tsrfil, "is this based off of the summer hikaru died?" and if you're wondering, i'd say no. like, obviously, they have the same title of "the summer..." and a part of the horror aspect was scooched into tsrfil. but everything else? not really.

However, tsrfil does take inspiration from a certain yuri manga (cough cough). if anyone knows what it is, props to you, but i'm not saying anything until tsrfil is over LOL.

💐 Chapter 1: HIPPEASTRUM x HYBRIDIUM

i’m not saying i hated how i wrote this chapter. honestly i think everyone’s first chapter will not be as great as their 3rd 4th or even 10th chapter—that’s alright. the whole premise of chapter 1 is basic—a framework. Like, okay—we have sae wanting rin to get a job over the summer and every job search has ended with rin rejecting—we have sae’s kombucha being an aesthetic honey gold from the mid-day summer sun splitting its fingers through the windows—we have the moment where sae diminishes rin’s art. when writing this all the notes i had were “kitchen, sae and rin job searching, rin painting” and i think that’s as basic as it can get.

rin’s resistance to getting a job is, because, one: he’s picky, two: all the jobs are things he isn’t interested in. the only thing he wants to do is oil paint. okay—why oil paint? why not acrylic? why not watercolor? to tell you the truth: it’s because i think watercolor is too soft for rin, and i never gave acrylic a second thought, so i forced oil paint onto rin. i don’t know anything about oil paint—so, obviously, research came in—youtube videos, some articles—and doing research is something i dread but it had to be done. the only amount of painting i’ve done was watercolor. 

and, yes, sae has glasses. why? because i have glasses. however, unlike sae, i do not barge into my siblings' rooms. and unlike sae, i do not send emails to mothers saying “my sibling wants to pick up your gardening job!!”. sae’s intrusive like that—if i were Rin, i’d choke myself. choosing what rin was painting was also something that i needed to show to, one, show that he actually paints and two, something he does in his freetime. the painting of the swan isn’t too important—it’s enough that it’s there.

i think writing the itoshi bro’s connection, at least for the first chapter, needed to be established for things that happen in further chapters. i didn’t want their connection to be bad blood between them—i wanted it to be awkward, with some tension, they’re not so much as buddy-buddy as they’re “we get along and we don’t at the same time”. 

🌸 Chapter 2: BEGONIA SP.

i have a love-hate relationship with describing buildings.

i think it’s more that i hate it. but i like describing the sky, i love describing flowers and scenery. but buildings are the worst. tangent, but in my spring fic i had to describe rin’s apartment. worst time of my life. i hate it so much.

here’s established that rin has a shit sleep schedule (it’s summer, who doesn’t?). this isn’t to say that he’s unhealthy (he kind of is), he eats food, he drinks water… the basic stuff. he’s functioning. i remember having to tend to my beta reader, jellybeans edits until 1 AM—and i thank her for being a good critique and i had to change so, so much stuff. 

Isagi’s house is actually based on my classmate’s house (thank you Chloe). I think I had to be descriptive to really capture the calm and therapeutic vibe of the Isagi household. How? One, warm lighting, two, scent of vanilla candle, three, the potted house plants splattered about the house and, four, the delicacies baked by Iyo of pastries, macaroons, and hibiscus tea. Why hibiscus tea? Because it’s good. Now that I think about it, I should’ve settled with pomelo flower tea (thank you to my friend Kate for bringing me that tea from Taiwan, it was delicious). But hibiscus tea it was. 

I didn’t want Isagi to appear, which is why I decided to give him an appointment at the hospital with Issei while Iyo and Rin discuss job stuff.

Describing the garden was the hardest part. Usually I’d draw a scene out on paper before I write—yeah, it wasn’t like that this time. I spent a good 1-2 hours writing and rewriting Isagi’s garden. It wasn’t conceptualized in my mind yet—that’s the hardest part as I didn’t have a clear idea of what it looked like. So I reeled back. The garden at my school has flower beds—that’s a start. The garden at my neighbor's house has a patio, a glass table, chairs, and stone paths. The garden at my aunt’s house has bulb fairy lights stretching across the whole expanse of flowers and grass and foliage. So, I had to think more. Did I want Isagi’s garden to be a replica of the gardens that have been prevalent in my life?

No.

Instead, I merged the gardens I knew of and took inspiration on Pinterest to really grasp the scenery. The back door connecting to the kitchen connects to the garden. Okay—that’s a start, and when you step out, you step into the patio and you immediately see the garden. I wish I could draw it out for you—but I’m not an artist. Isagi’s garden isn’t large—it’s a good medium size. There are garden boxes, grass with wildflowers, sunflowers, and flower beds along the walls. The fountain and koi fish pond, and the little nook with small chairs and a table were added last minute. 

I wanted Isagi’s garden to feel like a dream. Therapeutic, elysian beauty—all that fancy stuff. Like, immediately when walking into the garden, you are bombarded with color, with the beauty of the sunset and the yellow glow of the fairy lights and the sound of wind chimes, along with cicadas. But, like, it’s the first introduction of Isagi’s garden—I didn’t want to exude all of my power on it because I knew the garden would be accentuated when chapters roll out. As always, the beginning chapters are always a framework, so I wasn’t too stressed about it.

Also, Ms. Toto. She’s based off of my cat Sunny! Her name comes from Totoro, shortened (yes, Isagi named her LOL).

The thing is—I don’t know shit about slowburn. But I know for a fact that I didn’t want love-at-first-sight bs in tsrfil. Rin meets Isagi, okay—that’s a first. What does Rin think about Isagi? Basic, average—large eyes. Rin doesn’t think anything of Isagi—and here’s a little secret, Isagi doesn’t think anything of Rin, either. I wanted their interaction to be brief, for Isagi to be on guard, especially when talking about the appointment at the hospital in front of Rin, which is why he scurried away shortly after saying that his appointment was just fine. I think it’s natural to be cautious of a disgustingly tall stranger LMFAO.

💗 Chapter 3: PAPAVER ORIENTALE.

rin may have a shit sleep schedule but, to stick to canon, he takes care of his health, as described with the paragraph of rin’s routine in the very beginning. it’s brief—as brief as the description of their shared apartment. No familial frames, only frames of abstract art—their apartment is pretty boring, if i were to be honest.

I needed to be a bit self-indulgent here so sneaking a recent song I’ve been obsessed with (cough cough D/N/A by azari) was unprecedented. Would sae listen to it in canon? That’s for you to decide. Personally, I think he would. 

Alright—first day on the job. Actually, the lobster and totoro wind chime was added last minute. I needed Isagi’s garden to feel like—well, Isagi. Not just a garden. There had to be a memento of Isagi somewhere in here, so after scouring the internet and finding cute wind chimes, I decided to add that.

Now that I think about it, in the drafts, early tsrfil!rinsagi was very tame. like, it was bland. like, they got along in the first draft of chapter 3 and i was like “no. no. no. this is wrong.” so i scrapped it. i wouldn’t say isagi’s a terrible asshole, here, because he cares about his hose that rin dropped or his poppy that rin stepped on a little bit too much but if i were isagi, with all his love for flowers and gardens i’d be pissed too. did he push it and word things harshly? Yes. yes he did. To this day, i still don’t know how to feel about it. Maybe it was extensive—i’m not too sure, but one thing that i’m thankful about is that it established their connection. Two awkward boys are forced into close proximity. Sounds about right.

I think i have a terrible track record of adding things last minute. Even with isagi and rin semi-arguing, it wasn’t enough for me. So what did i do? Well, there’s a wonderful cat named Ms. toto who rin didn’t see, so i made him step on her tail. Quite mean, I know. And then I was satisfied—because upon arguing, and arguing, I decided to have it be interrupted not by a genuine truce but by Isagi’s cough. See, originally, isagi didn’t cough up blood but you know me (yes it was added last minute). 

Since it’s summer I wanted to add sae and rin eating some frozen yogurt. “But why not icecream—” frozen yogurt is better. And it’s good. I’m not too much of a flavour freak. I mean, I like matcha, i like vanilla—so I forced rin to eat that while sae had strawberry and chocolate, both with fruits. Could you tell that i put a lot of me into tsrfil?? I’d eat frozen yogurt over ice cream any day.

So, obviously, after that whole fiasco I needed rin to complain. This eventually leads to the curiosity of Isagi’s illness—speculating, being nosy and so on. I guess there’s not much to talk about for the frozen yogurt scene—curiosity kills the cat, though.

So, Isagi’s whole breakdown. What the fuck is happening with him? Originally it was going to be a journal entry—but I wanted something more. I wanted something different. After racking my brain until 2AM to figure out the coding I successfully figured out how I go about things relating to whatever the fuck breakdowns that Isagi is having. I’m going to be vague here: he’s having a flare-up, he’s coughing up blood, his heart isn’t working. It hurts to even breathe for him. Keep in mind that this is all happening while Rin is enjoying frozen yogurt. Isagi’s genuinely going through it.

About the incision on Isagi’s chest after surgery—I think that’s self-explanatory. If it’s not—later chapters will explain. But that last sentence is going to be used later on. It is going to be an allegory for body dysphoria and self-hatred later on. Not now, though.

And Isagi’s illness? What is it? What’s gonna happen to him? Is he alright?

That’s a secret.

🌻 Chapter 4: HELIANTHUS ANNUUS — L.

i think this is where the scenery picks up—heavily. It’s established that rin goes to the garden in the late afternoon. What’s in the late afternoon? Sunsets. What color is the sunset? Yellow-to-orange. What’s the color of the sky? Light blue with tangerine orange lining its edges. The thing is, I have to know the scenery first before writing anything else. I’m a very scenic person—and, yes, I overdose on them—but the thing is, it’s not something that i’ll ever regret. I have to know how things look, how the garden glows, how everything feels. 

About the clouds I dumbly realized that, where I live, in June—there’s literally no clouds. None. Just a sky. And I was like “are clouds allergic to being in summer, or???” but honestly, the june in tsrfil has clouds—i do not care. I love clouds. The amount of times I search up “different types of clouds” is terrible.

The self-indulgence shows here with Isagi listening to Vocaloid songs. Would he listen to Vocaloid songs in canon? I don’t know. Would he make floral arrangements in canon? Again, subjective. Isagi’s floral arrangement was actually supposed to be composed of blue hydrangeas and sunflowers along with foliage!! I tried to look for some in shops—and I only found sunflowers. So I chose a bouquet with sunflowers, carnations, pom mums, and alastromeria. I couldn’t find a vase for the life of me when I got home so I used a basket, arranged this floral arrangement, then I added that to the story. Why? I don’t know. See—I needed a visual in front of my eyes to write what I wanted to. Is it that serious? No. But to me—yeah.

The draft of rin and isagi spraying each other stayed the same—with more added cursing—so there’s nothing to say about that. Having rin saying “sorry” felt so—just no. I tried—i typed it, and i was like “no no no do not type that shit”. Did i want isagi to say sorry in the moment? No. again, i tried, and i was like “just. Just no.” in the moment where feelings are high, an apology is the least of your concerns.

Over the weekend, rin is no better than a corpse. Why? I wanted him to be like that—with him screaming into his pillow about the inferiority i think it seeps into the fact that being an artist is such a push-and-pull where you get so deep into what you don’t think you’ll be able to do and you let it all out. The thing is, Rin wants to make something magnificent. Can he? Maybe—but does he think he can? No. That’s a struggle and a further plot point that is addressed in further chapters.

What rin draws wasn’t supposed to be decaying flowers in the draft—actually, in fact, rin has never painted or sketched flowers prior to coming to isagi’s garden. However—albeit subtly, I wanted to show that isagi’s garden had this small and insignificant effect on Rin be it either screaming in his pillow or drawing withering flowers. Why withering flowers? It came to me in a dream.

☔️ Chapter 5: PETUNIA x ATKINSIANA.

Immediately, isagi apologizes. Not just a worded apology but with adding matcha raspberry vanilla parfaits topped with fruit. Why? I saw it on twitter, that’s why.

Also, Isagi’s moles are more shown, here. Why does he have moles? I have moles all over my neck, and I wanted Isagi to have them too. In the draft of chapter 5 realized that rin was way too okay with eating parfaits with Isagi—so, of course, he needed to have resistance. This resistance even though he did accept makes him snatch the parfait and put a good distance away from he and isagi on the couch. As awkward as two teenagers, they are silence is unprecedented—natural. You’re not gonna see rin initiate conversation voluntarily. He’s awkward, he doesn’t want to talk, he’s here for a job.

Yet I think small-talk between rin and isagi had to happen. Obviously it doesn’t get far. I saw somewhere that Isagi says sorry for every minor inconvenience, and i wanted to add that when rin pointed out the little glob of yogurt on the corner of his mouth. The thing is, i didn’t want isagi to be, like, shy. Like, “o–oops.. Sorry.. Hehe.. uwu” like no. that is not my isagi. Maybe at times, but rarely he is. Again, with rin jabbing him, isagi’s frightened. See, the only reason why he might appear weak is because of how his illness weakens him. Trust me, if he didn’t have his illness he wouldn’t freak out the way he did. But, also, isagi doesn’t like physical touch. I’d flinch too if someone poked me on the shoulder—that’s just how things are. 

So—Isagi wants to stay with Rin. A little bit early, no? While I agree that he wanted to be with Rin to ease the tension, there’s also another thing. I’m gonna be as vague as I can. Isagi does not care about Rin, he does not want to stay with Rin because of care, but only because Isagi wants a human presence. Selfish? Definitely. Isagi is selfish here. Isagi’s solitary—i think the need for a human presence is different for him, new for him, something that he wants. Rin doesn’t care about Isagi either. (yet. Seriously, of course their feelings will change. This is a 28 chapter fic for god’s sake). 

See, the direction of writing this chapter took is something i’m post proud of. I want rin and isagi’s development to be slow. I want Isagi to slip up, “I won’t be able to see it again.” Hell are you supposed to say in response to that? I sure wouldn’t know how to respond. The baggage here is subtle. It needs to grow, it needs to bloom. Why does rin wear long sleeves? It’s summer. Why does rin make sure to squeeze his wrist more below his carpal bones? What’s under those sleeves? What’s the “gaping scar” that sits right on his wrist? What happened a year ago where rin was bleeding out in the bathtub?

And, why does Isagi wear baggy clothes? Why does he wear a hoodie? It’s summer. The baggage between them, respectively, is fucking harsh. But is this all to be addressed in the next chapter, or the chapter after that?

Nope. Give it a few more months.

Writing Process

You know, whatever writing style you want to assign me, i’d say go ahead. As for writing process—i don’t know how i do it. Like, okay—establish the scenery, establish the dialogue. I think it’s stupid for me to say this but i think, in real life whenever you look at sceneries it just does something to you. Sceneries have words. Visuals have words that are to be plucked out and made to your liking. Songs, too, have vibes where a story is to be preened out of it. How do i write? I just do. I write with the thought in my head “i want to create something beautiful. I want to make something beautiful like the sunsets i see, like the songs i listen to, like the love i get from my friends.”

I look at vocaloid lyrics, i look at poems, I read from my favorite authors cityboys and slagpoet on ao3, i look at flowers and i dont see just petals, i see words. I see a heartbeat. In sunsets i do not just see the sky—i see tears, i see emotion—i see the ephemerality of it. When thinking of isagi and rin, i do not just see two teenage boys who are just destined to fall in love. I see the scars, i see the vulnerability, i see the ugliness inside of them. So, what’s my writing process? I don't know. I think about what i love, and then i let my fingers do the talking.