john mulaney and the sack lunch bunch starters.
do you know who tells the truth? drunks and children.
i have no children of my own and that’s by choice.
sometimes i say ‘i don’t have kids yet’ but that that’s just to appease certain people.
you can go very far in life, if you pretend to know what you’re doing.
grandma’s got a boyfriend.
he calls waiters ‘garçon’.
these women would love a reason to destroy you.
i wanna know when and how he croaked.
have you ever spied on your parents?
sascha’s dad does drag.
even though i was embarrassed, i couldn’t deny they were right to throw shade.
i’m not gonna sugarcoat it because, like a chubby queen in a corset, the truth always has a way of spilling out.
that is the past. i am a new woman.
yeah, i know. i produced it but yeah.
that is unanimous, okay.
you were sitting next to an old man you didn’t know?
i went to the bathroom nine times.
that’s another one of my fears: home invasions. i don’t want anyone in my home!
if i had known algebra, i would not have lost my eye.
did you rehearse this?
my story makes sense, on that you can rely.
i’m the only living person who just wants macaroni.
can i please just have some pasta? a plain plate of noodles with a little bit of butter.
another one of my biggest fears is sitting on a toilet and having the water automatically flush. i don’t like that. and nuclear disasters.
you’re playing mind games with me.
i haven’t had a dream in over seven months.
i haven’t had a dream in like … since yesterday.
i get in the car. i just drive. wherever the sun takes me.
i don’t even know what it means, i just brought up a fancy word.
we are closed for a private event.
girl talk, you’re positive?
it’s a huge fear of mine. just realizing how dumb i am and knowing that they’re realizing how dumb i am.
you don’t value our vision!
you have to pay attention, this is a very big deal.
pay attention!
how married are we to doing this?
no, i’m not on the group text.
do flowers exist at night?
what’s ‘lore’?
i saw a white lady standing on the street just sobbing.
follow me! but also give me space, okay?
use your ears, be aware.
like a squishy sound like a butt!
okay, i just broke a bottle over here.
no, he’s not okay. he’s having a lot of trouble.
i landed weird on my ankle and it popped. it was like music!
you’ll never believe what sound it makes when i throw it out the window and the window breaks!
maybe grab that cat by it’s tail.
you just said it better.
we want you to know that we don’t judge you.
nobody cares.
i want this, i’m keeping this.
fish, tacos and fish tacos. terrible.
you know that i want you to be happy but i do want you to miss me. a lot.
is there a way of dying that you’re not afraid of, that you would prefer?
there is no one like you. there has never been anyone like you. there will never be anyone like you. therefore, be yourself.
