Oh hello there!

The other night we laid in bed talking about marriage. We looked at rings, and talked about an engagement possibly this year. He's already been accepted into one physical therapy school, and has another big interview with one tomorrow. Once he starts school, and I'm in my second year of teaching, it seems plausible. It's weird, and maybe a little excessive, at the amount of life we plan out together. It all has to be perfect, because we don't want to stress in the future. We plan, follow through, and then plan some more. I like it that way, and it comforts me that my partner has the exact outlooks on life that I do. We want to be financially stable in all aspects, finish school, get married, travel, and then maybe have a son or two. Through it all, we want each other. I have no doubt that when I'm 80, he's going to be the one laying next to me in the retirement home. Cheers to that.

The last year of transitioning back into being a Phoenix resident hasn't been simple. Life after college was a shock, and still is a transition even though I've been back for a year. I would say that 80% of the time, I am content with having a job, living with my boyfriend, and attempting to be a grown up. There's still that 20% of me that wishes I could go back to living a careless life where writing an essay was the hardest part of my day. I thought I knew stress, but boy was I wrong. Now, I lose sleep and night thinking of all the deadlines I need to make, data I need to absorb, ways to improve my teaching methods, etc etc etc. I miss losing sleep because I'm out with friends, watching tv, or just because I didn't feel like sleeping. I miss not having any real responsibilities, too. Now it's not like there's that many that I have, but it's still a hell of a lot more than before. I miss spending time with friends, and having girls to talk to. Now, I spend every day with my boyfriend, who is still my best friend, but he doesn't understand my need for an occasional Ben & Jerry's, why I cry during Say Yes to the Dress, and who won't go with me to get my nails done. He does so much and I'm not complaining, but there's still a void that is missing from my best friends. Now, I'm so lonely in that aspect. I guess you win some and lose some in this game of life. I wouldn't trade where I'm at for anything, but sometimes I can't help to look back and miss the life I used to have.

First off, twelve hours stuck at school conducting the last of my parent/teacher conferences. Getting yelled at isn't fun. Second, today has been two years since I could wish my grandfather a happy birthday. He would've been 64. I try not to cry about him anymore, but there are days when I just can't hold it in, like tonight. He was my childhood best friend, and losing him was the first major loss in my life. So yes, I'm laying in bed trying to cry in secret... And then my boyfriend walks in. I'm a grown woman crying about my papa. Awesome. If he were here he would totally make fun of me and tell Cole to dump me for being such a sap. Life is too quick. I'm trying to be a great person and be the best lady he'd want me to be. Night.

I have survived the first four months of teaching third grade, and am now basking at the idea of a two week break from them. Monday was incredibly difficult following the CT disaster. Throughout the day, I would replay "what if" situations in my head over and over again. Like what if a shooter came unexpectedly, could I hide them the way Victoria Soto did? At times, I really got fearful for the possibilities of this horrible world. I also took in my students, and really appreciated every single one of them. They are difficult enough because they are kids, let alone children of a lower SES circumstance. This week, I could not help but to really love them and want to protect them. So my heart feels a little heavy knowing the next two weeks some of them may not get enough food, and not get the routine of coming to a "safe" place everyday. Basically, this week was extremely and emotionally draining in all aspects. The country is grieving and I am worried about my students. However, this break is much needed...

Today was five years since we met. I cried tears of happiness tonight and seriously couldn't help it. I've been without you many times before, but what makes my life complete is that we are better than ever. Five years ago, as a seventeen year old senior in high school, I had butterflies because I liked you. Tonight, I still got butterflies because I love you with every fiber of my being. You have known me at my worst, and you've been there during the best. I can't wait for what the next five years will bring, and for what the rest of our lives will hold together.

All my blog is good for these days is bitching about how much I hate my job. Did I mention I really hate my job!? I am so sick of everyone there, they're all two-faced. I hate not being able to teach the way I just learned to during four years of college. I hate waking up every day dreading going... This needs to get better. In other news, Sunday will be five years since my lover and I met. I don't think I'd be getting through the days without him. I'm so thankful. That's all.