Do Your Thing, Honey

“At 14, while every one of my female peers were hanging gender-ambiguous, non-threatening Tiger Beat centerfolds of Leo & the Ramen-noodle-haired Justin T, I saw, 'Mary Shelley', and, 'Dangerous Liaisons', on TV (amazing what our first exposure to sexual scenarios can do to mold our desires), and was henceforth forever aroused by John Malkovich. There was no bubble gum pop Nickelodeon poster tear-outs for that one, needless to say. That wasn't exactly a heartthrob I could giggle about with girlfriends and scribble on my notebook. 'Course I also wasn't imagining flowers and romance, and gentle first kisses, sweet innocent young love... No, just imagining having wicked conversations about sex and being ravaged roughly anywhere at any opportunity (after long, frustrating minutes of arduous petticoat removal, of course). Hard to share *that* scenario with the gals at a sleepover. All they wanted to talk about was Leo's pretty eyes and hairless, premature Dad bod.

Nowadays, it's the same--still just not into men that look like women and offer dull conversation about the weather--I like 'em panty-droppingly brilliant, with a wit so sharp I can cut my tongue on it. If that seems to often come in a rough package, then so be it.

You can keep your clean-cut, side part, talks about his new pink shirt and Italian leather shoes at the water cooler, takes 50 selfies of himself in said pink shirt, photographs pink shirt arranged with shopping bags and reciept, adds filter, captions it #freshtodeath,#realmenwearpink,#worthit, #meltedplastic, #thuglife, or any other variation of , "look at me!! Please God, tell me you believe this lie and envy my insular life, pay attention to what I buy and look like because I have nothing interesting to say/do and I need you to validate my worth!" hipster-y, finance guy... sorry, that went off on a tangent.
 I'll take the ugly guy with zero social media, and innate confidence, that can keep a well-served convo volleying indefinitely, over a manicured Hiddleston or DiCaprio any day.”