;stay alive

it has been a long time huh?

so yeah, this semester has ended, and i fumbled so hard, need to repeat a course, but it's okay, kinda saw it coming since i got overwhelmed at the beginning of the semester, so yeah, this is the best i got, i guess

so, uh, it's been weeks since last time i post here huh?

well, recently i just stumbled upon a very wtf moment

for context, in my major, the male students are sucks (most, if not all), they are so smelly, like they don't have any concept like "showering" in their mind, socially awkward, yet creepy, you know, a bunch of nerdlosers, and noticing that just makes me feel hopeless finding a bf here (yeah, i know that i actually have no right to shittalk the nerdlosers here, knowing my place, but ffs they are way more nerdloser than me)

until, a not long time ago, i notice someone who's kinda resemble my ex (even better looking, imo) in my class, at first, i didn't give a fuck, like why should i in the first place? but lucky(?) me, he approached me on chat, bcs our professor gave him an info which he should forward to me, and later discussed it with me irl, since that meeting, i know that he's so attractive, good-looking, smart, considerate, etc, finally a hot nerd among a bunch of nerdlosers

and few days ago, i talked abt this to a close friend (who was once my crush lol), like "damn, i just met someone hot in my class, kinda resembles my ex tho" and he was like "huh? rlly? show me the pic", "nah, don't have any" and he initiatively went "drop me the name, i'll look for it instead" so, i gave him the name, and while he was doing the stalking, our convo went smth like this:

"wow, he's actually handsome"

"ikrrr, uh wait, you find his pics??"

"yeah, found his google scholar profile"

"...damn"

"damnnn, 4 published articles!"

"wtff?? ffs, i gave up, too smart for me"

"naahh, don't be like that, instead, isn't it great to be with someone smarter than you?"

"well, you're right tho..."

"oh! i found his twt acc!" (sorry not sorry, i deadname twt, fck elon musk)

"fr??? lemme see lemme see!"

and then we stalked his twt acc together, at few first scrolls, the tweets are just normal nerdy memes and rants, but the more we scroll, we stumbled upon this BL content in his acc, and my friend went like "wow.. so fruity, is he a... uh nvm, he maybe a bi, right?"

so we scrolled deeper, but the deeper we scroll, the more BL contents we found there, until there's this couple photobooth pic of him and a boy with clingy pose and couple outfit with caption like "finally got couple outfit with him˜"

we both shocked, and we went "DAAMNNN" and then went speechless, and then we laughed together and i wanted to cry at the same time TˆT

tl;dr i'm having a crush on a hot nerd who later found out that he is actually a gay and alr has a boyfriend

So it's still me in my overwhelmed era, and I don't know what I should write here, but one thing is for sure: I'm currently not in the mood to write anything because of this.

It all started since I realized that I have been the jack of all trades, and while it has its own advantage, it costs me an unclear direction of how I will continue my life. I can't go straying without a destination forever. Therefore, I thought that I needed to pick something to focus on, and I picked this major I'm currently studying.

So yeah, the main goal is to be consistent, to have something I consistently do. It's not to be the smartest nor the brightest.

To be honest, things are still overwhelming, but I started to feel that all of these are still manageable.

I still postponed many tasks, let alone personal projects, but luckily, in the end, I managed to complete the tasks on time. I also still feel the burnout here and there, but I can take things easier than last week.

In addition, in exchange for avoiding burnout, I loosen my habituation streak for a few fields. Like I've stopped continuing my German learning session for a week, sending my Finch pet on an adventure, and even almost lost Duolingo streaks. Kinda sad, but I don't want burnout to get me again. I need to think of a workaround for this. Wish me luck, please!

So, I have just started my college this week. To be honest, everything feels so overwhelming, so many tasks here and there, more advanced materials to grasp, and yet I found myself being a hopeless romantic instead of just easily focused on my studies.

I just realized that I lowkey deeply yearn for this fella (after I act like it's nothing and tried to move on for a while), and I know I should not deny it, but what's the point if the other party is kinda ghost me after a very fun and long chat? Our chat was so fun and long to the point we took more than 3 days to finish each chat turn. I think there's no way someone would do it if there's no other intention, but who knows, maybe it's just me who is just being too confident.

I don't know, I wanna let them go, but this person is the only one who truly checks all the checklist points, and the most important thing, we truly vibe (at least based on my and our mutuals' POV).

erghh, I hate being cringe, but

Who am I to you?

What happened there?

Why all of this?

Riding a motorcycle in the pouring rain.

Unconsciously humming a nostalgic sentimental song, yet have forgotten most of the lyrics.

"Seven years since the la la la la la~ ...the future is unknown~"

While lowkey wishing the song had a better singer, those montages struck my mind, and arbitrarily, a pathetic smile carved into my facade.

SPOILER ALERT FOR YOU WHO HAVEN'T WATCHED THE ANIME UNTIL THE MOST RECENT EPISODE

So, I have been watching Frieren since episode 1. And this morning, I've decided to also read the manga since my friend says it is one of the few IPs where both manga and anime are fantastic by its own.

And, when I start reading it, I just realized that I actually relate a bit too much to this old hag elf //jk Frieren, pls don't bawl your eyes anymore, i'm scared

First, I have been a very dense girl. I am always late to realize if someone is flirting with me. I'm not a girl who can get signals from other people. I remember one time, a boy offered me a ride home, which I appreciate yet I still think "Wow, why are you so kind to me? What do you need from me?" instead of thinking of it as a flirt directly. Well, yeah, maybe it's why I'm still single in my late 20s, keine Idee. I think, at this point, I'm better than Frieren, I don't need 20+ years to realize the flirt, lol.

The second point is the fact that Frieren only cares about things intrigued her. She wasn't affected by the fact that the Hero of the South can foresee the future, yet was very excited by petty spells, such as a spell to turn red apples into green apples. Also, the fact that she's more intrigued by mimics with a very small win rate, I weirdly feels that I relate to that also.

Next point is, I also relate to the time-blindness. In the most recent episode, she commented something like "Wow, human village could change so much in a blink," where 'in a blink' she stated is actually 30 years, lol. I also feel time is going so fast, like I just realized I've spent almost an hour writing this blog, it just feels like I've started 10 minutes or so. For this, I've designed a system where I can anticipate my time-blindness better and have been trying it out, maybe I'll write about it later.

And the last point, and maybe it's where the notion hits me hard the most, is when Frieren didn't cry at Himmel's funeral, and people say that she's cold-hearted because of it. It hits me hard because, since my grandpa passed away last year, I also haven't even shed a tear, not even a bit, though he was a great old man. I remember when I was still a little kid, he told me stories when I went to bed. He also taught me how to do some crafts (he's really good at it). He also asked me to go for a stroll here and there. Many great moments with him, yet I still haven't shed a single tear after his death. Well, come to think of it, I may be actually worse than Frieren, because, at least, she cried when she realized that she hadn't learn enough about Himmel. I don't know, there's a part of me that feels bad because I haven't cried about it, but on the other side, I also realized that faking tears is pointless, so I won't do it. I don't even know why I still haven't cried since that day. Sometimes, I feel like I'm heartless for it, and thinking maybe I've hurt people in some way because I can relate less to the other people and didn't realize that my action could be hurtful.

Thank you for the asking!

Wow, one thing huh... You know what, I was just gonna answer this question with "my own self" since I'm the only one who always fights for myself. But, after a bit more reminiscing, I think my people around me are not any less important than I am. Like, I'm my current self now because of their influence, like it or not. Also, whenever I feel down, somehow there will always be someone who reminds me that I'm matter and I still have someone who cares for me. Whether it's just a simple "how are you?" or even just sending a random meme or even teasing me, it's enough to be a reminder that someone remember of me and cares enough about me, and it always lifts me up. I know this might not be the case at some point in the future, but for now, I want to be thankful and cherish my people.

So, back to the question, I'd like to answer it's my own self, and indirectly it also refers to my people since I can't be my own current self without them.

lost an immense bet

decided to stop betting anymore

but then, there's you;

an ephemeral mirror, shows me a my side i've never seen before

always been a lame one, but you show me my fun

always seen as ugly, but you show me my beauty

always been wasted, but you show me my high worth

a remedy after the broken old mirror pieces betray me

showing that settling for less is not a choice anymore

yet everything must have a strike

because nothing is perfect, so you are

well, you are a mirror after all

you must just show virtual images, right?

well, maybe in the end you're just my temporal repose,

before i go into another enormous bet

and the question remains;

should i put a bet on you?

for you're not just a brief,

for you're not just an evanescent,

for you'll stay as my eternal,

and then, when i win my bet,

i'll love you logically

and then i'll love you with my whole

—thanks XCIX, for telling me i'm funny, replying to all my 20++ bubble chats, taking my recommendations seriously, buying me my favorite dessert, spamming me with absurd memes, driving intercity to meet me and take me home, validating my feelings, etc., while that guy wouldn't even bother to do so.

hi darling thank you so much for loving me in a different way knight treatment over princess treatment friendly banter over sexy flirt "why so many updates?" over "what are you doing?" to be honest, i was doubting "does he actually love me?" "is it actually just me?" but apparently knight treatment makes me more tough and confident so i can stand on my own friendly banter makes us closer in

So, a few days ago, I read Dee Lestari's Madré. There was this main character named Tansen, who writes a blog at least once a week. Then, I started to think, "Why don't I start to do the same?" and I glanced at this barely existing blog and decided to do the same here. Initially, I planned to write this blog weekly on Sunday, starting last Sunday, but I was too tired from socializing that day, so I finally started it today after procrastinating for two days lol.

Initially, this blog was made three years ago for my depression dump since things were wickedly hard back then, to the point that death was a stunning no-doubt option. But luckily, I still got myself and realized that death was never an answer (at least for me), so yeah, I spontaneously created this blog right after an intrusive thought told me to do so. Just scroll for an idea of how dark that time was for me. As time goes by, this blog has started to become my unpublic thoughts dump, where I can dump every notion and feelings I have without needing to worry about being judged by people I know. This is becoming a place where I can fully be myself.

And, since this is my true self, I am considering to start using another language I'm fluent in. I even was going to write this blog in that language. But I am worried that it might blow my anonymous cover here. But, if I restrict myself from using another language, will it even unironically betray the idea of this place being a sanctuary where I can be myself? Such a paradox, huh? Maybe, let's see how I will write this blog next time lol

Oh, also, I may need to engage and socialize so I don't feel like talking to a void. I still don't have any idea how to do it tho.

why does it seem like this universe is telling me i am not enough

lately it feels like everything i do, everything i say, is never enough, and never right

i know when i don't feel like i'm not enough, i just need to try harder there's no point in grieving, right?

but, do i actually not deserve any appreciation at all? even though i have been trying my best? why does my best is never enough?

i have done everything my boss told me to but in the end, in their eyes, what i have done is never right, i don't know why

i have thought thoroughly everything my boyfriend says but in the end, i always miss the reference

my supervisor said, i hardly shift my focus, i've tried my best to cover it, bring notes everywhere, and note every small details i find but in the end, i still can't manage my focus properly

i do my prayers as soon as possible but in the end, my mom still scold me and label me as late just because i noticed her message 7 minutes later

Does ugly truly exist?

They say every inches of this world is beautiful in their own way.

So, what does it mean to be ugly?

What does it mean to be beautiful?

Does beauty truly exist?

They say every part of the world has their own definition of beauty.

So, does beauty truly exist?

The definition is so biased and vague.

Yet many adored for the beautiful label.

Yet many suffered for the ugly label.

Ironically, many also struggled from the beautiful label.

but none of them blessed from the ugly label.

Maybe, just maybe,

Both of them do not actually prevail.

Maybe, they are just choices,

for the people to pretend those remain.