the longer I sit with obsession the more empathy I start to feel for entity!nikki. this creature that was created solely to love one person with this all-encompassing intensity that needed to be stronger than anything anyone felt in the entire world. entity!nikki whose entire world was just one single focal point; she'd do anything for bear to love her. she didn't know anything when she came into existence, but she was willing to do anything to get this man to fall for her.
it must have been equally terrifying for her as it was for the real nikki to have someone else fight for control over what she perceived as her body. the scene where she's sobbing in the corner, terrified of her dreams is now more sad than terrifying to me. real nikki, who has just been raped by her once best friend hurting so badly that it seeps into entity!nikki's nightmares. entity!nikki who doesn't understand why the thing she wanted so badly is causing her so much pain. why she can't bring herself to lie in bed next to the man who is the center of her world.
and the worst part is bear doesn't even seem to like her. she's trying so so hard; she made a lovely memorial for his dead cat, she waited for him to come home all day without moving an inch, she made sure to be the most doting girlfriend at the party, and he's not pleased by any of it. he seems disturbed and angry and scared and she has no idea what to do to make it better. to make it worse, he keeps asking her to behave like the original nikki but he was the one who wished for her!! she can't be like nikki because nikki was simply not capable of loving bear even a fraction of how much she does!
she can't seem to reconcile it; he wanted her so badly he conjured her into reality and now he doesn't want her anymore. she doesn't know what to do. she tries everything. she obsesses over him, she threatens to hurt herself, she gets rid of that bitch sarah who keeps distracting him and trying to steal him away, and then dresses in her clothes for good measure and he still doesn't want her.
and then finally in a fit of desperation, she makes the wish and for one beautiful moment its all perfect. he's finally looking at her the way she looks at him. and then he's dead and she's lost everything.
her entire existence, from the moment of her conception to her death was painful, and confusing, and so very sad.
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nikki breaks my heart so bad because in the brief moments we see her before the wish kicks in, she's so cool and funny, clearly kindhearted, very driven about her future (telling bear about how she was going to quit her job to focus on her writing), and also very sure of herself as a person. ive seen people describe this movie as "mean-spirited" and I think thats so apt because it was a 2 hour long tragedy of the torture of this innocent girl, taking away everything she's ever had, including her own sense of self, putting her through unimaginable horrors, and leaving her with nothing except the three dead bodies of her friends, with the one who she trusted most being the one who did this to her. nothing for her to look for hope in, because she has nothing before her except a lifetime in prison or in an institution. it would be one thing if the movie ended on a note like weapons, where everything was over and there would hopefully be recovery somewhere down the line, but here, not only was the evil not committed by a random stranger but her closest friend, but she doesn't get any chance at recovery either. so goddamn tragic. on that note, if anyone can come up with some sort of fix-it for nikki please link it to me because I will be crying about this girl forever.
One idea that I've been getting a kick out of lately is like. a fairly standard "Spock is trapped on pre-warp earth and befriends Kirk while hiding his alien heritage" fic, except when Spock inevitably gets hurt and starts bleeding, it's revealed that Kirk is red-green colorblind. McCoy, who Kirk brings the wounded Spock to, however...
So Kirk is living out a cute little university romance or whatever, blissfully unaware, while McCoy is like What The Fuck. What The Fuck It's Green. Jim. Jim, It's Green. Jim What The Fuck. except he doesn't actually tell Kirk that, because he can hardly believe it himself. so instead he's just quietly freaking the fuck out. Kirk brings up meeting Spock at the library, and he flinches so bad he chucks his coffee halfway across the room. Kirk starts to think he might just be homophobic.
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Me, tears streaming down my face, sobbing, as I stare at the stars: it’s just so beautiful
The medieval peasant I went back in time to give a bag of Doritos to, concerned: what terrible and powerful sorcerers they must have in your age, to be able to veil the vault of heaven itself from view, as you say
Me, sniffling: I didn’t realize, I can’t, it’s so much, I, I… are the chips good, at least?
Medieval peasant, trying to make me feel better: they’re… magical, strange traveler
why you should care about theresa even if you ship hansry: a fever-rant
I've been writing Hansry since April 2018. But my first KCD fic ever was about Theresa.
You know what drives me nuts about this girl?
It's because even though she loves him, cares for him, worries about him, and arguably even (emotionally) needs him alive: Henry isn't what she wants.
The Theresa we come to know in KCD, the one who exists in the aftermath of disaster, cares SO much for this lad. She shows it in her actions more than her words, which can be restrained and remote, emotionally unavailable. But that is a recent development.
Frankly: She lived her entire life in Skalitz with him as an afterthought.
To Tess, he wasn't a main character in anyone's story. He wasn't the object of her unflinching desire or her obsession. He was always just stupid old Hal under the castle hill. Martin & Jane's son from up at the smithy. Some passable, foolish, cute-enough dude who was fooling around with her bestie (blech!). As for many young adult women, it was not any boy or crush or marriage prospect, but her friends, especially BIANCA, who were the huge social presence in her life. Not Henry, and probably never Henry... except for what happened.
What drives me so nuts about this is that though Tess and Henry seem confused about their romantic connection, they have one clarity: each anchors the other in the past. But they do so from completely different angles, and to completely different ends.
Tess tries to run from the past, to reject it and to not think about it - to bury her old self with her family and friends.
She's not just brave because it's her nature. She's "not afraid of anything anymore" because she, a person who has lost everything that mattered to her, is no longer afraid to die.
Henry is her complete opposite here. He becomes unrecognizable to his former self because, thanks to nepotism and gender, he's able to start an entirely new lifestyle in a way denied to Theresa... which may at first glance appear to be what Henry wants.
But it's not! Again and again, we see that everything Henry does is about wanting to go back, to cling to home, to try and salvage the scraps of his old self. He wants so badly to be truly unafraid, like Theresa is, but despite everything, he doesn't have the maturity to understand that fearing death isn't cowardice and lack of fear isn't bravery: it is pure tragedy. It means you have nothing left to lose.
It means you are Theresa.
Theresa, who despite being annihilated by the slaughter of her old self and loved ones, WAS NOT HAPPY (!) in that old life. She wasn't happy taking care of men, something she started doing far too young after her mother's death. She never wanted to get married, to be a wife, to raise children (she tells Jane as much; it's not just Feyfar; she wants nothing to do with boys; she's so young and already sick of laundry and cooking and cleaning and caring). She wanted the freedom to be herself, to have her own desires, to chase fun, to dance with her girl friends, to have more than the earliest hour of morning to herself.
Henry merely thought he wasn't happy, and for such a childish reason: he was bored of peace and comfort and being doted on by his family and his sweetheart. He knows now his mistake and that he can't take it back. But his former happiness also cannot be destroyed, even though it is no longer accessible to him, because he was so babied and undeniably loved and spoiled and undeservingly adored.
Not so with Theresa.
Of course she doesn't want to marry Henry.
Of course she laughs at him when he so casually suggests it.
Henry truly loves her, in his way, and she has much tenderness and a sort of sad love for him too. But no matter how damaged he is, he's still got a big piece of that good-natured oaf from Skalitz inside him. And so he thinks she's still the Theresa he knew all these years, partially because it helps him feel closer to a home that doesn't exist. He doesn't understand, no matter how many times or how many ways she tells him, that Theresa of Skalitz is gone or what she's lost.
And, whether or not Tess & Henry's sort-of-romance remains alive or (as KCD1's ending seems to suggest) kindly loosens and lets go, there is a part of Henry -- the old Henry, before the fire -- that Hans Capon, no matter how madly he loves him, can never truly know, understand, or touch. Theresa can. In no small part because that piece of her has been destroyed.
It's just so honest and worthwhile and real.
Such a damn shame Warhorse has so little interest in writing women's stories 90% of the time, because when they do care, they can make these stories feel so authentic without any psuedo-feminist Cool Girlfriend gimmicks or othering or puerile Sorry Boys!ing.
Come to think of it, it really is insane that my entire country is burning alive and literally no one in the rest of the world cares. Thousands of Indians are dying every day from the heat, it's 45+ degrees in multiple areas, the government couldn't give two fucks, we're getting severe warnings and red alerts, and not a soul outside of South Asia is speaking about it because why would you ever care about brown people
USA folks, that is a consistent temperature range hitting 113°. Death Valley temperatures. In Banda, it hovered between 116°-118° (47°-48° C) for a week straight.
This has been happening all month with little to no international media attention. Here are a few organizations you can check out for resources or to support:
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