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Every day is a reminder that I never become human enough. There is so much guilt in learning at my own pace. I don't understand why, when the only person being held back is me. There is this feeling in my chest, a pulling sensation, like the one that happens when you create space between two magnets. It pulls me forward, but the thought of not knowing what waits at the opposing pole is so restraining. I try so hard to ignore it out of fear, but that isn't the answer, and I know it. I have just been so consumed by my negativity that opposition seems overwhelming.

I just got back from Guatemala. I have a lot to write, but I need a second.

Yesterday I looked through pictures of myself back when I was in a serious, committed relationship, and suddenly I don't feel the tensing need to be with someone. My timeline has already been written; I'll reach that part eventually. I'm only 24, and I gave up my teen years to that relationship. Now my 20s belong to me and me only. Why would I give that away? Youth is only here for a visit; I should make its stay with me worthwhile. And if I fall in love along the way, I trust that it's because a part of me has finally found its place. A love free enough that I can still unlock all the doors that wait ahead of me.

Lately, I have been obsessing over the way people perceive me. Everyone wants to come off as mysterious, aloof, and hard to read. I don't know how to be that way, even though I have become more avoidant and developed a need to put up a shield for my emotions. It's not that I want to force myself into the current societal norms, because I have never been one to fit in, and I have learned to accept that. However, now at 24, it feels like I am too old to be me. Starting to believe that the reason I'm not enough is that I show too much of an "immature" self, and the person I have always been just isn't valid currency for the cost of love. Somewhere along the way, I realized that I don't really have any genuine friendships. Am I just not worth caring for? It's as if being a second thought is my role in this life; a simple understudy.