TheWayofThings

People with Borderline Personality Disorder have symptoms that affect their ability to form stable, long-term relationships with other people, and unfortunately, one of the things you’ll often hear about BPD is that it’s completely impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has it. Women with BPD in particular are stereotyped as being good for casual sex, but not relationships, and there are plenty of media examples that perpetuate this damaging idea. Speaking as someone who has worked in mental health with many people with BPD - and been in an an amicable relationship with someone who had it - I can tell you that it is possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has been diagnosed as borderline. These relationships do encounter challenges that should not be discounted, but if both partners are willing to put in the effort, they can be overcome.  So if you’re in a relationship with someone who has BPD - or you’re considering starting one - here are some tips to help you along: Treatment is not optional. If a person with BPD is going to have healthy relationships, it is absolutely imperative that they actively engage in treatment. That means seeing an appropriate mental health professional regularly, attending all scheduled appointments, actively doing their therapy exercises and taking their medication if that is a part of their treatment regime. Promises to go into therapy “later”, or to manage the disorder without formal treatment are not enough. Having your partner depend on you to manage their mental health is not fair to either one of you - you’re both going to end up getting overwhelmed and hurt. Ideally, you should also be in communication with your partner’s therapist; they can be an excellent resource for helping the two of you navigate difficult situations and rough patches in the relationship. 

Research the disorder, and understand what you are getting into. It is grossly unfair to a person with BPD to jump into a relationship with them blindly, promising you can handle it, only to immediately back out when you realize that it’s too much for you. People with BPD do not exist to fulfill Manic Pixie Dream Girl fantasies - they are real people who face very specific obstacles and challenges, and it’s important that you read up on those obstacles and challenges to ensure that it’s something you can work with, and to ensure you understand where your partner is coming from. There is a lot of information about the disorder freely available, and it’s important that you have all the facts. Additionally, a relationship with someone who has BPD is not going to be a good fit for everyone - nobody is going to be a good fit for everyone - and it’s important to try to work out if that might be the case for you before you put another person’s heart on the line. 

Set and enforce firm boundaries. A healthy relationship involving a person with BPD is possible. A healthy relationship between someone with BPD and a person who cannot set boundaries, however, is not. Talk to your partner, and negotiate some limits on what is and is not acceptable behaviour. And then stick to those limits - if your partner starts to cross a line, shut down the behaviour and disengage immediately. The person with BPD will probably struggle with having boundaries in the beginning - one of the core symptoms of the disorder is an intense fear of abandonment, and having a boundary enforced, however gently, feels like abandonment to them. In the long run though, boundaries create structure, predictability and security in a relationship; it makes the relationship safer and more comfortable for both of you in the long run. Remember that setting boundaries is a process, not a one-time discussion, and that the partner with BPD has a voice in that discussion - you are not a parent laying down the law, but an equal partner navigating a challenging situation in a way that is respectful to both of you. 

Have emergency protocols in place. If your partner is having a meltdown or mental health crisis, what do you do? Who do you call? What is a “call their mom” emergency, and what is a “call the hospital” situation? Mental health blips and crises are going to happen, and it’s important that you have a plan in place for when they do. Talk this out with your partner when they are having a good mental health day, so that they can have an equal say in how mental health emergencies will be handled - chances are, the things they suggest when they are in a good state of mind are going to be very different from the things they say when they are at their worst. Having a plan in place can help you both cope, and can prevent minor snags from turning into full-on category five hurricanes.

Do not enable. One of the other major symptoms of BPD is a predilection for self-sabotage or reckless behavior. When my partner was off his medication, he used to break into public buildings in the middle of the night just for kicks; other people with BPD may be inclined to misuse substances, engage in dangerous activities, or party so hard that it affects their life. Another part of the diagnosis is a tendency to feel numb or empty inside, and extreme activities can be a way to take the edge off that. Ultimately, though, it’s not a good way to deal with the disorder, and a partner should not be enabling by shielding the person from the consequences of their actions. If you are constantly covering for your partner and making excuses for them, you are ultimately doing more harm than good. Support them without enabling them - comfort them, and support their efforts to get into treatment or make amends.  

Take care of your own mental health. If you have mental health difficulties of your own, the same rules that apply to your partner also apply to you - treatment is mandatory. People with BPD can provide emotional support to a partner, but unfortunately, they are not always in a good place to do so; it’s not really possible to make sure your bad mental health days always line up with their good ones. Seeking out professional mental health treatment ensure that you always have a stable and reliable place to turn to f you’re having a tough time. A therapist can also help you make sure that your relationship is always staying on the right side of the “healthy/unhealthy divide”, and give you a safe place to vent when things are rough. On top of formal treatment, it’s also important to practice general self-care. Set aside time for friends and hobbies. Eat and sleep well. Manage your stress. Create things. Take care of yourself. 

Do not tolerate abuse. No diagnosis excuses abusive behaviour. If a partner abuses you verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually or financially, that is unacceptable, no matter what mental health struggles they are dealing with. Abuse is always a dealbreaker. If your partner is having mental health episodes that are so severe they result in you being abused, then that person is not managing their condition, and they are not capable of being in a serious relationship at the moment. Extract yourself from the relationship. 

Everyone skated well, sorry your fav didn’t get gold, but don’t diminish Nathan because you think he somehow didn’t deserve it, or that you didn’t like his song choice or whatever. Better that than Bolero or some opera. Again.

“Mom has been texting me for the last twenty minutes. She wants me to come home. It’s a four hour drive, when the roads are clear, and from what I hear everybody is trying to get somewhere right now. There’s no telling if I’d even-”

“Everybody else has left. All the other kids were picked up, the other staff left. They gave me all the keys. I promised to stay and wait for as long as- well. Even if some of the parents show up, I guess some of them won’t, so I’m just waiting. Until.”

[Clears throat.]

“A couple of people came after everybody left. Peter, one of Aidan’s fathers, gave me three hundred dollars for staying. What am I going to do with money? It’s- anyway. I kind of get it. He wanted to give me something.”

[Audio ends]

[Audio starts]

“They’re all between 2 and 4.” Sniff. “They’re so little. Too little to really- maybe if they were older, I’d have to tell them something. But um. I’m just- trying to stay calm and keep them happy and occupied. I think that’s the best thing, right now.”

[Heaving breaths.]

“I normally use this recorder to help me remember stuff. It’s just, uh, habit to talk to it. I don’t know. They’re napping, right now. I’ve got the baby monitor, they know that if they talk into it, I’ll come, so-”

[Sobbing.]

[Audio ends]

[Audio starts]

“Mom keeps texting, so I blocked her. I sent her a text telling her goodbye, first, but. I do. But these kids need me.”

[Sniff.]

“I tried calling their parents again, but I can’t get anybody. It’s just busy signals. I called the firefighter station, 911. I can’t get through to anybody.”

[Shaky breath.]

“I went out into the yard. Um, I think they can play. It’s nice out, and you can’t really see it yet. Little bit of a glimmer, if they ask I’ll just tell them it’s a plane, but it’s nice out and we’ve got hours before-”

[Murmuring child’s voice, indistinguishable.]

[Audio ends]

We’re all talking about being slapped in the face by No Mercy Percy after two episodes of him being quiet and withdrawn (if a little persnickety). And in the original stream, Percy spends the first 27 episodes the same way, firmly in the background of most scenes (and no player at the table behaves as if this is unusual).

…Imagine being one of the other players, though. Imagine being slapped in the face by No Mercy Percy after two years. TWO YEARS of quiet, withdrawn, maybe slightly snobby.

✓ is rock solid

✓ has no barriers

✓ is easy to fall for

Have you seen the movie “Encanto”? If not then anything with Jiang Cheng is fine 🎊

If Alma had been anything less, then Encanto would not have survived. Alma did not just receive a miracle, but she has to perform one too. She had to lead their new village and settle their people all while raising her three children without the love of her life. If Alma had been an inch softer, an ounce more unyielding, all would have been lost.

Casita knows this. Casita loves her.

But the circumstances which Casita was born of will not be what sustains her, what sustains the family within its walls, what sustains Encanto.

Things are different now. They need to be different now.

Alma will not live forever, and Casita loves her, but she is no longer what Encanto needs.

The triplets are too young and it is not time. First Isabella, then Dolores, Luisa, and Camilo. Casita is proud to have them, but they are not quite right for this.

Alma pulled off a miracle to protect and nourish Encanto along the miracle she’d been given. Her replacement must be able to lead differently, but just as well, just as strongly, with enough conviction to cleave a home out of the earth and stand as tall as the mountains that surround it.

Then Mirabel is born.

Sweet, darling Mirabel, who dances to the beat that no one else can hear, not even Dolores. No one except Alma.

The difference is Alma does not dance to it.

Mirabel is born and Casita knows.

She waits.

Mirabel stands in front of her, waiting for her door, and she is so small and so young and Casita makes it as clear as she can, tries to make it so Alma and their people will understand. It is too soon. Mirabel’s room is now Alma’s, but it’s not time, yet, but it will be. Casita dissolves the door and flickers the candle in Mirabel’s direction.

But things go wrong.

They do not understand.

Casita tries to speak to Alma, but even her Alma cannot understand her like Mirabel can, and no one listens. Bruno hides within her walls and Mirabel cries herself to sleep and Casita does not understand how it could have gone so wrong, how they can look at her Mirabel and think Casita has no gift to give her.

Casita gives her everything.

She gives Mirabel herself.

She gives her Encanto.

It is not a gift that can undone, but they do not understand, and Alma does not let Mirabel lead as Casita hoped she would. Cracks shift around its walls and it does it’s best, but now the miracle is stretched thin, pulled between Alma and Mirabel.

It would have all pulled apart so much sooner, except.

Except Bruno lives in her walls, hiding himself away to protect her Mirabel, and patches the cracks no one can see. Except Mirabel loves her family and loves Alma and does her best to walk in step with her even as her feet yearn to move to a different beat.

Casita worries about Antonio.

Without Mirabel’s blessing, she cannot give him his door and his powers, but Mirabel does not know that she has to give it.

Thankfully, Mirabel walks Antonio to his door, and it is enough.

But at the same time, it is not enough.

Mirabel can’t help but feel as if she doesn’t belong and Alma holds tightly to a power she doesn’t know she can safely relinquish and it all comes apart. Everything is tearing itself apart, Encanto is tearing itself apart, and all Casita wants is to get everyone to safety, to get them as far from the center of disaster as she can.

But her Mirabel tells her to bring her to the candle, and she listens.

Alma screams at her to stop, and she does not listen.

Encanto is Mirabel’s now. Mirabel’s to protect, Mirabel’s to love, and Mirabel’s to break.

Casita falls to pieces and folds herself around her Mirabel. She is sad, but she is not disappointed, not upset, not capable of anything besides love for her Mirabel.

It will take a miracle to bring her back, to heal her broken family and restore magic to Encanto.