Don't forget about me.

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me

Can I have some please and thank you

I feel like I am really someone who is there for people no matter what. Even if someone broke my heart I would still answer a call at midnight if they really needed someone to talk to or felt I could help them in some way. I’m not saying I’m a saint, but that’s something I think I’m able to give to people. I don’t feel like I get it back very often, though. It seems like my friends have decided that I’ve reached my depression empathy quota, that I’ve been depressed for so long, too long, that they just take a step back when I try to talk about it. They are frustrated that I don’t take their advice, they just wish I would go back to therapy, they think I just need to get my medication straightened out. I understand that everyone needs to have their own boundaries and I can be a lot, I just wish I could have someone who, no questions asked, would be there, and just listen and just love me. Not every day, not every night, just sometimes.

I know I said I wasn’t going to post online anymore (well I said that and then deleted it five minutes later, a character trait of mine) but I just really feel like writing something down right now. It is almost 6 A.M. and I haven’t slept tonight. I don’t even know where to start. All I can think about tonight (this morning) is how much of a loss it would be to continue sheltering my mind from this world. I have a perspective that - Okay - in the middle of writing this I started to hate myself again and now I feel like I should just exit the page and continue on my path of never posting online again. I fucking hate myself so much. Or I’m just paralyzed with self doubt. I’m not sure it’s the same thing. I can’t stop cracking my neck to the left. I’m not sure why it’s to the left. It’s an obsessive compulsive thing I used to suffer a lot from in my childhood, but it’s come back in the past few weeks. And now my entire upper body is starting to really ache and I’m thinking it might be a result of the neck cracking to the left. I just googled “OCD neck cracking” and the first thing that came up was this guy talking about how he cracked his neck so much he had a fucking stroke. Having a fucking stroke is literally one of my biggest fears. That scared me. Many things do. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that it feels impossible to not express myself but also impossible to do so. My mind feels so jumbled and undecided that I can’t even fathom how I was ever able to convert my thoughts into any form of art that was at all cohesive. Maybe my thoughts are a little more jumbled lately. I have been through a lot lately. Part of me feels like the phrase “been through a lot” makes it sound like I feel really bad for myself. But it sort of bugs me that feeling bad for yourself and “pity parties” are looked down upon so universally. Why can’t it be a good thing, maybe cathartic, to emotionally appreciate the fact that you have experienced or are currently experience some tough shit and it sucks? Maybe feeling bad for yourself is a form of self love? Or maybe my outlook is totally wrong and it’s the root of all my problems. Actually, that’s for sure. Anyway, what I was saying earlier before I interrupted myself is that it would be a total shame for me to stop expressing what’s in my brain. I know that my outlook is important. Sometimes I think I’m a genius. I don’t like admitting that, but what else can you do but be completely honest every once and a while? I was at the forefront and found success in internet videos, one of the most important mediums of entertainment in civilization’s history that is still only just beginning. I have a perspective on all that stuff that almost no one else has. I became famous from my bedroom. I believe I have been more influential on YouTube than people give me credit for. I’m the person that not everyone has heard of, but who the people that everyone has heard of, knows of. I’m the indie rock YouTuber. I inspired millionaires without ever becoming one. I never made it on TV, but the ones who did come up to me at parties and tell me I’m the reason they started. I don’t think there’s anyone even close to being like me. I want people to see that. I also have had this beautiful song I came up with circling around in my head for a few weeks now that I’m finally starting to get closer to actually forming and actually writing down and recording. I can’t wait. Maybe that song is the reason I crack my neck to the left. That doesn’t really make sense. Here we go - Post. 

You have a beautiful mind @mytoecold I miss it, and am glad you decided to share this.

Write in the tags that movie you’ve seen so many times over so many years that even though you haven’t seen it in a bit, you can still recite every line as it happens

ever wonder how different your life would be if that one thing never happened