Violent Velvet Eyes

The hardest parts of surviving bpd is avoiding that voice that convinces you you’re okay when you’re not and the one that tells you it’s okay, this is just how you’re supposed to be..

“I don’t cut or choke myself anymore, I don’t self harm, I’m fine” “I know how to control my binges” “I’ve been worse before this is nothing” “I’ll just be taking away resources for someone more important” “this is who you’ll always be, just accept it” “they all think of you as a pathetic mess so why not be one”

It’s never nothing and you are important. There’s so much more to self harm than cutting. So much more that needs to be acknowledged. Since I gave up cutting I now just sit in boiling showers and scratch myself as deep as I can for as long as I can until I’m covered in shameful marks I feel I deserve, there’s are from 12 hours ago and just the few I’m willing to show.

I put myself in harmful and reckless situations, sabotage and push the ones I love away with any way I know will hurt them even though I don’t want them to leave or be hurt because of me, I’ll use unsafe sex as a way to cope/harm and abuse any drug or alcohol I can get my hands on. I’ll drink until I black out and not know where I end up. Starve myself and tell my body to get over it when it starts to beg for help.

Any close chance of happiness, of things going right and I have to sabotage it. I have to push the ones I love away, do and say anything I know will make them turn around and walk away..

Insta :

@aurora.jayne