It takes a special sort of ego to build a headless statue of yourself and stick it in the loch. Also, does it look like the statue is supposed to be holding a sword but someone's nicked it to you?

Please note that we can tell this is set in Romance Scotland from the off because it looks like it's about to rain on the lovely miniature house.

Raised on rumours of The Devil of Jedburgh, Breghan McAllen doesn't want an arranged marriage to the beast. The arrogant border laird is not the romantic, sophisticated husband Breghan dreams of—despite the heat he stirs within her.

In need of an heir, Arran has finally agreed to take a wife, but when he sees Breghan's fragile beauty, he's furious. He will not risk the life of another maiden by getting her with child. Lust prompts him to offer a compromise: necessary precautions, and handfasting for a year and a day, after which Breghan will be free. For a chance to control her own future, Breghan makes a deal with the Devil.

Passion quickly turns to love, but Arran still has no intention of keeping the lass, or making her a mother. He loves her too much to lose her. But when a treasonous plot threatens queen and country, Breghan has to prove only she is woman enough to stand by his side.

It's a pet peeve of mine that Laird is not the Scottish word for Lord. A quick google led me to the fact that this book is set in 1665, and the bloke in charge of Jedburgh was Lord Jedburgh - whose name was actually John Kerr, 3rd Lord Jedburgh. My search was prompted in order to be certain that before I got on my high horse I was actually right to get on my high horse, and I was right, so let's get a leg up and into the saddle - LAIRD IS NOT A QUAINT SCOTTISH VERSION OF THE WORD LORD THEY ARE TWO DIFFERENT WORDS THAT MEAN TWO DIFFERENT THINGS oh good, that feels better.

Anyway, I can see why Breghan might not want to marry John Arran Kerr, what with his implied ability to commit maiden-murder, presumably with his giant offspring, no doubt conceived during surprisingly tender and extremely orgasmic sex. The whole notion is distinctly off-putting, but beyond that, one thing is clear. Handfast marriage in 17th Century Scotland was banned (by the Church of Scotland in 1575), and although civil authorities were recognising informal marriage in front of witnesses there is NO WAY anyone of rank was handfasting for marriage, much less as a trial of marriage with full consummation. Any heir born in this fashion would be illegitimate, and any mother of such a child - well, she's not going to do well in getting married again after the year-and-a-day is up. No-one is going to care that precautions were taken (I very much hope that there's a description of Arran tying his condom on, but it may be forlorn as that appears to be an Italian thing) because of lust. The Kirk is VERY CLEAR ABOUT LUST BEING A SIN. Also, and I very sincerely mean this, fuck you, Arran. Your lust means you'll trap this young woman in a dishonourable pseudo-marriage, but you don't mean to marry her properly and "keep" her? Arran has got to be one of the worst heroes ever, and I've read books where we're invited to admire the restraint of men who realise that the solution to their lustful thoughts is forcing the act upon her, but that they will choose not to do that because they're not the worst. And we now know who is, DON'T WE ARRAN? The bar is so low that Arran clearly tripped on it and fell into hell.

ALSO he is trying to rescue Mary, Queen of Scots, which means not only all of the above but he's also apparently USELESS.

GET IT TOGETHER, ARRAN.

Never seduce a Scot? Um, rude!

He looks like a centaur who is less half-man, half-horse and somehow more half-man, half-tartan.

There is nothing about this cover that looks like anyone is comfortable - that dress must be digging into her cleavage something fierce! - and, honestly, it looks like they were both in different rooms and then sort of smooshed together later. Which, of course, is the safest way to have sex without having to worry about pregnancies or STDs.

Eveline Armstrong is fiercely loved and protected by her powerful clan, but outsiders consider her “touched.” Beautiful, fey, with a level, intent gaze, she doesn’t speak. No one, not even her family, knows that she cannot hear. Content with her life of seclusion, Eveline has taught herself to read lips and allows the outside world to view her as daft. But when an arranged marriage into a rival clan makes Graeme Montgomery her husband, Eveline accepts her duty—unprepared for the delights to come. Graeme is a rugged warrior with a voice so deep and powerful that his new bride can hear it, and hands and kisses so tender and skilled that he stirs her deepest passions.   Graeme is intrigued by the mysterious Eveline, whose silent lips are ripe with temptation and whose bright, intelligent eyes can see into his soul. As intimacy deepens, he learns her secret. But when clan rivalries and dark deeds threaten the wife he has only begun to cherish, the Scottish warrior will move heaven and earth to save the woman who has awakened his heart to the beautiful song of a rare and magical love.

Look, sometimes people who are very hard of hearing can perceive some sounds, and the upper registers are the ones that are often lost first, so, I mean - I guess? But are there literally no deep voices in Clan Armstrong? Not a one? Maybe it's not so much that but, somehow, everyone in Clan Montgomery is an elephant and so is Eveline.

Seriously, though - no one at all in Clan Armstrong could guess that maybe wee Evie was deaf as a kid? NO ONE NOTICED WHATSOEVER? Not even when it was their fiercely loved and protected Eveline? I'm just saying, come on people - there are signs, and they're not that hard to spot.

Maybe they just thought she really liked charades.

I'm sorry, I can't comment on the standard stuff - blah blah rugged, blah blah threatens to wife he has only just, something something tender skills and passion. So far so usual.

Here we see the Traditional Highlander, naked from the waist up, clutching a sword, and missing, at a conservative estimate, most of his head. That's alright though, because if evidence suggests anything, the brain is not the bit that does the thinking for these fellas.

I have questions about the notchy bit on his sword there though. Is it to stop the sword getting rammed all the way in? Is it decoration? Is it both?! And it goes in a little bit before the hilt, completely undermining its structural integrity! And the hilt is TINY. This suggests that is not a mighty sword, SO WHY THE STRUCTURAL SUPPORT?! This sword is, frankly, a disappointing mess.

Lily Hamlin has finally realized that her life isn't as perfect as she once thought. Making a pilgrimage to Scotland, a land she's only heard about in lullabies, Lily hopes that she can find her place again. But while exploring the Highlands, she discovers an overgrown maze and a strange stone map--and lands in the Lochaber of 1654. Ewen, Chief of the Clan Cameron, is a busy man who must figure out how to save his people from the brutal redcoats and has time for little else. Having sired an heir, the widowed Ewen has no need--or room--for another romance. Then into his life drops a saucy lass with a peculiar accent and no regard for his title. Drawn to each other despite their differences, they both realize that they don't want Lily to go back to her own time. But with battles brewing between the Camerons, the redcoats, and a rival clan, staying could mean putting both their lives in danger...

Firstly, if that's a bloke from Clan Cameron, then he is categorically NOT the Master of the Highlands. He's from Lochaber. The master of his neck of the woods is, clearly, Clan Campbell. The one run by the Duke of Argyll. The Clan Chieftain of the Camerons in 1654 was Eòghann Dubh - anglicised to Black Ewen. His only title was 'Sir'. Points for getting his name right though - I do like a little bit of research. It seems he had an exciting life. None of his three wives were called Lily though.

Sorry, I was letting facts get in the way. He wasn't the master of even his own corner of the Highlands is what I'm saying.

The rest of it is oddly refreshing. They both seem to be aware that they're into each other which puts Lily ahead of most of the heroines, who seem to be aware that something is going on but can't quite interpret pants feelings accurately. Historically, the Camerons are about to get embroiled in quite a few battles, so the battles brewing aren't unlikely, and obviously both their lives are in danger - she is awash with modern bacteria, and frankly, Lily is going to spend a lot of this book dealing with smallpox or ancient flu or something.

HE IS WEARING A SHIRT HE IS WEARING A SHIRT BURN THE HERETIC BURN AH AH AH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Fortunately, the woman with him has enough self-respect to go around and is taking it off for him. Honestly man, get a grip! AND PUT ON SOME TARTAN.

Either that or he's a Perfidious Englishman and he's just impaled her on that sword. Which explains her facial expression.

ACTUALLY it looks like both their shirts are falling off. OR her shirt is falling off and she's stealing his so she can cover up because only the men of Romance Scotland are immune to hypothermia.

MAYBE they've both paused in the sword fight because they've realised that they're about to be eaten by that tartan-and-rose beast sneaking up on them from the bottom of the cover. It hunts like a Venus Fly Trap. If they joggle one of the edges ONE MORE TIME it'll snap shut and then suck their juices out.

It's not like that Authentic Miniature Highland Castle is going to be any help to escape from it - unless they could cower behind it or something?

The good news is that the moon is no longer crashing into Scotland. The bad news is that the sun has turned blue-and-squiggly and is now heart-shaped.

Once childhood sweethearts, now sworn enemies, Edward and Rebecca meet once again when she murders her brutal husband, and Edward--now the MacCleary chieftain--spirits her off to his castle and vows to make her his bride, but she escapes from his mighty fortress to save his life and prove her undying love.

Oh wow, that cover's got a lot going on.

The Authentic Photoshop Highland Tattoo is embellished beautifully by the Authentic Photoshop Shiny Highland Jewellery that he's wearing.

See how manfully strong he is! He's clutching the tiny scabbard for his tiny sword SO TIGHT that the veins in his bulging muscles are bulging EVEN MORE SO. The extent of the bulging however suggests that that ruched lampshade tassel armband is going to become a ruched lampshade tassel bracelet when he's done.

To be fair, however, he might be clutching the thing in terror because of the GIANT SPIRIT LADY floating just above and behind the miniature highland villa and graveyard that he's standing in front of. And also the floating spirit graveyard in the sky? Or maybe he already reached the peak of terror because of the MASSIVE LIGHTNING MOON that appears to be crashing into Scotland.

A man from another time… Faelan is from an ancient clan of Scottish Highland warriors, charged with shielding humanity from demonic forces. Betrayed and locked in a time vault, he has been sleeping for nearly two centuries when spunky historian Bree Kirkland inadvertently wakes him. She’s more fearsome than the demon trying to kill him, and if he’s not careful, she’ll uncover the secrets his clan has bled and died to protect… Could be the treasure she’s been seeking all her life… When Bree inherits an old treasure map, she discovers a warrior buried in her backyard. But the warrior isn’t dead. Bree shocks Faelan with her modern dress and her boldness, and he infuriates Bree every time he tries to protect her. With demons suddenly on the move, Bree discovers that Faelan’s duty as protector is in his blood, and that her part in this fight was destined before she was born. But nothing is ever what it seems…

First of all, you need to know that the full title of this book is in fact "Awaken the Highland Warrior: A demon Hunter Scottish Highlander Romance (The Connor Clan: Highland Warriors Book 1)" which, frankly, a typesetter with even a modicum of ambition could have easily fit on the cover.

Actually, the first of all should be that Connor is not a Scottish name. Connor is an Irish name. It's from Conor, and Connor is the English-derived spelling. IRELAND AND SCOTLAND ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE. Don't get me started on Faelan. Faelan is a real name.

An Irish name.

Time travelling men can only ever travel forwards in time. Fact. This tragically means they can never go home. But they never want to, because why would they when spunky (ugh, I know it's an Americanism, but spunk means something in the UK that it doesn't mean over there, and that is all I'm willing to say on the matter at this time) historians exist?

DON'T JUST STAND THERE, BLOKE ON THE COVER, SCOTLAND IS ON FIRE! The fire was probably caused by THOSE METEORITES SLAMMING INTO THE GROUND.

Also, that's a very weird way to be holding your sword. And also a weird angle to be holding your sword. What's with your sword, MAN WHO CANNOT TELL THE WORLD BEHIND HIM IS BURNING DOWN?!

Actually, I need to come back to the sword.

That sword is one of those two-handed sword things. They tend to be very very long. Either his legs are extremely long - like, so long you wouldn't necessarily notice if the ground was on fire because you're so far away from it long - or the reason he isn't running away from the fire is that he tried to wear his extremely long sword on a belt loop and a yard or so of sword is stuck in the ground. Now, he could undo his belt and leave the sword behind, but then his kilt would fall off and he would be naked.

If you're no stranger to this blog, you will know that Scotsmen are impervious to hypothermia, because they never ever wear shirts. However, they often wear kilts because otherwise you wouldn't necessarily know that they're Scotsmen. A TRUE ROMANCE NOVEL SCOTSMAN WOULD RATHER BURN TO DEATH IN HIS TARTAN THAN BE MISTAKEN FOR A PERFIDIOUS NAKED ENGLISHMAN.

Actually, the fire might have been his fault. What if he's standing on a rocky surface and he was dragging his sword along the ground, causing sparks that ignited on a passing haggis or something?

FFS, GIANT SWORD SCOTSMAN! This is why BACK SCABBARDS EXIST!

Maybe if all the Highlanders get together and blow, the fire can be sent to England.

An unlikely duo, the golfing match from Hell, and a devil determined to win, even if he has to cheat. Lucifer’s up to his matchmaking mischief again in this fast-paced, humorous jaunt into the bowels of the pit. Think you can handle the heat? “Fetch me a Scot,” Lucifer commands. Sounds simple, except the skirt-wearing jerk won’t cooperate. But Aella isn’t one to give up. Willing or not, she delivers her target to the Lord of Sin. In retaliation, the much-too-sexy Scot has Aella assigned as his bodyguard for the golfing match from Hell. One shot ruined Niall’s life. A second shot could help him regain it. Niall sold his soul once to win a lady’s heart only to end up betrayed. Does he dare take a risk and give love a second chance?

This... this is not what I thought I was getting. Maximum points for originality. There's not a single maiden-in-distress referenced, no True Kings of Scotland to do something for, no mistaken identity witches, no werewolves, no Brooding But Ultimately Extremely Sexy muppet without a shirt on going around getting his emotional trauma EVERYWHERE whilst the drip of a heroine wonders what this feeling is in the fizzy knickers department... nothing.

However.

Aella.

There are a high number of werewolves and time travellers, especially considering the small population. There's one or two vampires, but not many more. The majority may have been eaten by the werewolves.

Re: time travellers. If you're going back in time, you're a woman. If you're coming forward in time, you're a man. No word on non-binary time travellers that I've come across, presumably whatever makes them most comfortable at the time (travel).

If you're a Scottish Romance Heroine, you have two options. You are Scottish or you are English. If you are Scottish you are feisty. If you are English you are a drip. You will, no matter what, be a virgin, even if you're married. There are ABSOLUTELY no women who are happy and cheerful unmarried goers in Romance Scotland. You may be a witch. This will not be cool, even though it sounds like it should be, but instead Deeply Problematic.

If you're a Scottish Romance Hero you are Scottish or, at a pinch, a Viking In Scotland. There are no other options available although, if you're unlucky, you may be Scottish and yet have been raised in England. There is one example in my experience of someone raised in France. You will have Authentic Not Photoshopped Tattoos and be Immune to Shirts And Helpfully Also Hypothermia. Any tartan sash you wear will not necessarily match your kilt. Sometimes it will look you are wearing a skirt but it is TOTALLY A KILT OKAY? You will have some soul-scarring trauma in your background, you will appear to be brooding and moody, and possibly even cruel. This is a blind to hide your deeply sensitive soul. You are burly, over six feet tall, and incredibly sexy. You do not understand the concept of healthy emotional regulation. The Romance Heroine will teach you the concept of discussing your feelings. Eventually. You will likely be of the opinion that 1) you're physically attracted to the Romance Heroine even though she may Belong To Another Man / Is English / Is Otherwise Unsuitable / Is Under Your Protection And Thus You MUST NOT and 2) that even though you're big enough and strong enough to do whatever you wish with the Romance Heroine regardless of what she thinks you won't, which makes you a Noble Good Guy rather than Bloke Who Clears The Lowest Of Bars. You may have kidnapped the Romance Heroine, but this will turn out to be a Good Thing and For The Best. The Romance Heroine will experience Pants Feelings for you, but she will not understand them.

In Historic Romance Scotland, the villain of the piece will be a Perfidious Englishman, sometimes assisted by his band of Also Perfidious English. They will not be aware that Being English does not make them outrank anyone who is Not English. This will lead to such unusual situations as an English lieutenant thinking he can have an Earl hanged. No one will think this is strange. Not even the Earl, who really could just have the lieutenant permanently removed and then get on with his day whilst someone else deals with the details for him. The Perfidious Englishman will almost certainly have some sort of relationship to or hold over the Romance Heroine.

Despite an abundance of names known to Scottish tradition, Historic Romance Heroes and especially Historic Romance Heroines are likely to have a name unknown to Scottish tradition including - but oh so not limited to - Akira, Roses (the plural is not a typo), Dirk, and Murine.

Also, and specifically, in historic settings, Real Scotland's Protestant, Wee Free Kirk, Calvinist Romance Scotland Era will be a perfectly safe place to not only be openly Catholic in but it will also have a population of Openly Catholic Priests Who Are Catholic available should your Openly Catholic Scotsman Who Is Catholic need one. Weirdly, no one will get lynched.

If you are Historic Romance Scotland, the sun will not come out. You are rugged, wild and untamed, and if it isn't raining then it is snowing and it will often be foggy.

The Lowlands do not exist in any sort of cultural way. There is only one culture in Romance Scotland and that is the highland culture.

Laird is a quaint Scottish word for Lord and they are not distinct or different things. For example, according to at least one Scottish Romance Novel set in Romance Scotland you will be the home of the Laird of Dunrobbin Castle, which will be his title, as opposed to the Duke of Sutherland, as the owner of Dunrobbin Castle was and is known in Real Scotland.

Weirdly, the Massacre of Glencoe hardly ever comes up. This might be due to a paucity of MacDonalds (see next paragraph) or the fact that the Other Bad Guys were also Scottish and not Perfidiously English. Although the Perfidious English were, of course, involved.

He has the look of a man who's realised that there's a snake crawling up his leg and doesn't want to move.

And look! They've found the miniature landscape where the materials for the building of all those miniature castles are from!

It's nice to see an attempt at a great kilt - the highlander's fool-proof protection from hypothermia! If only one shoulder is bare, they cannot die of the cold!

Marian Robertson rescued a child and destroyed her reputation. Now, to keep her family safe, she must marry the stern, dark-eyed warrior negotiating a truce between their clans and risk her heart to protect the truth. Manipulated into marrying the exiled "Robertson Harlot," Duncan, peacemaker for the MacLerie clan, finds his new wife's courage and spirit make it impossible to resist her. But will he put his honor at stake to free her from her past and claim her love forever?

I'm betting the answer is "yes".

Wearing a skirt and sash, ruched tasselly armband in place, the Highlander considered that if he didn't turn around he didn't need to see the giant ghost Celtic-cross monument plunging from the sky to completely destroy his Authentic Miniature Highland House. Taking a deep breath of authentic Scottish air, he wondered how long he'd have to stand knee deep in the loch.

It was tough being a Highlander, but he was making it work.

Mildred, a young woman living in New England during the onset of World War II, worries about her family. What is to come? How will life change? Little does she anticipate change is to come not from war, but from an unexpected trip back in time to medieval Scotland. Adlin, Chieftain of the MacLomain clan, will never forget the moment he lays eyes on her. Though he rules one of the most powerful clans in Scotland, Mildred redefines the man he thought he was. Her quick wit and perseverance humble his natural arrogance. Her sensuality cripples his defences. The maddened determination of a rival chieftain threatens their very existence. Caught together in time, they must find a way to evade the mighty MacLeods and keep peace in the Highlands. But lust, rage, and potential war simmer on the edge of their every move.

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH SHE'S A TIME TRAVELLER YOU GUYS!

Her perseverance must be very perseverancy indeed for her not to contract a medieval disease and just die to death. Likewise, the clan must have serious resilience to avoid her modern germs. And the quick wit would have come in extremely handy in figuring out how a modern American would communicate with medieval Gaelic speakers. However, I love that they went out of the way in the synopsis to make it clear that it's an unexpected trip back in time, like she could have planned one if she'd had the time, but what with this onset of war, she really didn't have the spoons to plan it and then suddenly <wibbly visual effect whilst harps play the traditional time-travel sound effects> oh for the love of God, I'm too busy for this!

I also like the idea that her sensuality cripples his defences - like it's given him a swift kick to the back of the knee and then crotch-stomped him when he fell.

No tartan on the cover is just about forgivable because it's got the word "Scottish" in the title, but it's a very fine line.

Everyone here looks like they're trying to kiss and somehow don't quite know how to go about it. Some sort of pouting, followed by... heck! What's next?!

This is why sex education is very important.

A union born of duty . . . Newly knighted Sir Ewan Gilroy needs a dowry and a wife, in that order. That the widowed Lady Grace plans to enter a convent, squandering so much lush beauty—and such a fortune—would surely be its own sin. But Grace will not be easily wooed, despite her family's urging and Ewan's famed charm. She challenges him as no woman ever dared, proving his equal in spirit and in passions. Forged by desire . . . To atone for her past, Grace vows to never remarry—least of all a brash and reckless warrior. Yet whether defending her honor or stoking desires she hardly knew she possessed, Ewan is a man beyond compare. And as their fragile trust is threatened by treachery, Grace must decide whether to reach for the happiness within her grasp—and fight for the love of her bold Highlander . . .

"So much lush beauty". Ick. Why not just write "massive norks", "childbearing hips", and "bootylicious" and have done?

Anyway, she challenges him as no woman ever dared! Thoughts? I've jotted down:

Arm-wrestling

Death Axe Brawl

Warhammer: Age of Sigmar(tm)

Drinking

Caber tossing

Raasay Vole Wrangling

Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon

Bryce the Player

The giant, semi-opaque statue of the buff tennis man from the waist up is going to cause such a problem for the base line there! Serving is going to be hard.

It should be noted that so many men on the covers of these things have no underarm hair, so even though he's blocking the view, kudos for the sculptor for adding it here!

Money, power, prestige...failure.

Don't call it a comeback....because no one else is. I spent my whole life preparing for the pro tennis circuit, but it only took one false move to lose it all. I was poised to live up to the Coulter family sports legacy. Now, with the pressure on and my future in jeopardy, the last thing I need is a smart-mouthed training partner who isn’t the least bit impressed by my last name or my money. Tami thinks I’m rich, spoiled and moneyed. She’s got an attitude that’s only rivalled by her killer swing. She’s also got a past that makes me want to fix everything for her. If only she’d let me. I’ve got a plan for us both to win… But only if I can convince her that with me, love isn’t a losing score.

Listen, Bryce. Unless you're something like a plumber and there's water pouring into the kitchen, women rarely want men they've just met to try and fix things. This is especially true if the woman in question thinks you're rich, spoiled, and moneyed and has an attitude only rivalled by her killer swing.

Bryce sounds somewhat insufferable. I'm assuming though that, through the medium of surprisingly excellent sex that everyone gets to climax with, he will turn out to be rich AND a winner, both in bed and on the courts! It's amazing how often that happens!

I suspect the heist was stealing all the tartan that is unaccountably missing from the cover! How are we supposed to know this is set in the Scottish highlands without any tartan on the cover, eh?! I am shook. Shook, I tell you!

Also, they appear to be dissolving from the waist down. Which is probably also problematic, but obviously not as much as the missing kilts.

You can tell it's a contemporary highland romance though, not just because it says on the cover, but because of the miniature ruined castle in the background!

Feisty and fiery security expert, Maggie Brennan, is thrilled when she lands the job to design the security system for the Highlander’s Hope. At the top of her field, she usually prefers to work alone, but when the owner of the priceless jewels insists she work with his computer security expert, Conall Stewart, she doesn’t mind it as much as she thought she would. Not when Conall is damn smart and smoking hot, despite his gruff and grumpy exterior. Maggie loves a challenge, and she’s sure Conall could be a whole lot of fun if he just loosened up a little. The last thing Conall wants is to deal with Maggie, especially when she pushes all his buttons with her perky and highly caffeinated demeanour. All he wants is to be left alone, but the woman is distractingly gorgeous, brilliant and funny. Before he even has a chance to shore up his defences, she’s managed to weasel her way into his heart, despite him having sworn off any type of relationship. Yet outside forces are playing dirty, and there’s suddenly more on the line than the Highlander’s Hope and a love they never thought they’d find.

No romance novel I've ever read has ever dealt with the clean-up afterwards. Not the chap who had a sad and lonely self-love time in the heroine's now vacated bedroom (although points to the author for included masturbation; that doesn't show up very often at all), nor the fellow who definitely woke up with his kilt glued to his pubic hair. The heroine never has a wee post-sex, nor does she ever have anything to wipe. No one even washes their hands.

I'm not saying that it needs to be described in detail - "and then Murrabellyn nipped to the privy and lament the lack of loo roll in 14th century Scotland" - but even the allusion to it would be refreshing.

When I was a little girl we had a standard lamp in the living room. It looked like you think it would - a cone shaped lampshade on a tall stand. It was yellow, I remember, and trimmed with these tassels. Keep this in mind when I tell you that I can't quite take the hero here seriously, because his armband, ruched for her pleasure no doubt, has the exact same shaped tassel as the lamp.

At first I thought that the lady here was showing solidarity for the shirtless hero whilst still covering her sinful lady nipples, but what I think actually happened is that the top of her shirt was used to make her extremely voluminous sleeves. As someone who has worn extremely voluminous sleeves, trying to get anything practical done is an absolute nightmare, so it's no wonder she's looking a little coy and/or seductive. She needs someone to help her do the washing up.

Sabrina de Montfort’s dream has come true—the man she fell in love with years ago has finally returned. Her dreams quickly shatter as Ramsey Munro, the wild boy her uncle took in as a boy, acts as though he does not know her. Worse yet, it’s rumoured that he plans to take another for his bride! When an opportunistic suitor takes advantage and Sabrina is kidnapped, every muscle in Ramsey’s body screams for action. He’s loved the green-eyed beauty from the moment they met, but knows a life in the wilds of the Scotland is no place for a gentle creature like Sabrina. Can he free her from the claws of Lord Archer? If he does, will he be able to set her free…or will the Outlaw Scot take a Stolen Bride all the way back to the Highlands?

"The wild boy her uncle took in as a boy" seems like a tautology, but you have to understand that Ramsey here is Scottish. There's a good chance that Uncle Sabrina's Uncle mistook him for a particularly large and lost haggis.

Everybody knows that the Wilds of Scotland are particularly lethal for gentle creatures. That's why there's so many warning signs up the A1 and M6 - "WARNING!" they all cry, "YE APPROACH NEAR TO SCOTLAND! THERE IS NO PLACE HERE FOR GENTLE CREATURES!" On the border you have to prove your hardiness otherwise you're turned away, for your own well-being. Closing your eyes and not cutting your nose off with an axe, walking in a straight line whilst werewolves lunge at you, and reciting the alphabet backwards whilst enduring simulated hailstones and fog are all amongst tests that must be endured. The only exception is if you're being abducted. If you're being abducted by a Highlander then you're going to prove hardy enough, regardless of how wimpy you appear. It will become especially clear after realising that the wild man who took you to Scotland has hidden desires, a ruthless exterior hiding a warm, deeply hurt heart, and is really good in bed.

I like that it's every muscle in Ramsey's body screaming for action, rather than, say, his strict moral compass or even his keen understanding of how the law works.

"The Vikings have driven the Picts to extinction" it says. It's not accurate but it is way more dramatic than "the Vikings have driven the Picts to inconvenience". Sure, a Viking raid is bad news for the people being raided, but it's not quite the same as Kenneth MacAlpin deciding one day to go and check out how the Pictish bit of his kingdom is going and discovering no one there but these tall, blonde chaps in interestingly designed boats called things like Björn Hammeryourfaceoff and Erik the Extremely Violent.

The giant statue that Kenneth left of the Drunk Viking Being Carried Home By His Girlfriend is a nice touch though. Shame it's being eroded into etherealness, but it was the 9th century. Let's not be judgemental.

For years the Vikings had raided their lands and killed her people. Now the enemy lay in her bed… Rescuing a Viking pirate from the ocean after his ship wrecked on the shores of Pictland was bound to bring Ilisa trouble. After all, she knew well of the savagery of the Vikings—she had experienced it first-hand. But her heart would not allow her to abandon someone in need. Unfortunately, nursing him back to health rouses a part of her she didn’t know existed and soon she’s the one in need. Alrek’s well aware of his own need when he awakens in this beautiful Pict’s home. With his plans to venture to new lands on hold, he resolves to thank Ilisa for her help in any way he can—but not in the way he longs to the most. He must prove not all Vikings are the same. But his own savage past threatens to destroy any progress he makes and her people soon make it clear he will never be accepted. Can they bridge the gap between two cultures or will their differences—and the dangers they bring—forever keep them apart?

So, let's get judgemental.

I'm stretching the definition to "Not in Scotland" a bit here, but the book is set in Pictland, which wasn't Scotland, so what I'm really saying here is that this book isn't set in Scotland, and I'm a genius.

Anyway, Ilisa needs to remember for the future that the first rule of first aid is that you're to not place yourself in danger in order to administer first aid! Now she's the one in need! I'm going to assume that she's caught a cold from fishing him out of the ocean or something. Alrek, being well-versed in the perils of sea travel, is well aware of his own need when he wakes up because he'll have caught colds before.

I like the idea that Alrek's savage past threatens to destroy any progress he makes when he sees a monastery and can't help pillaging it. His bad.

Watch out, Reporter and Billionaire Scottish Wolf Lord! Whilst you're snuggling and smooching in a loch, the moon is crashing into Scotland!!!

For a book so obviously featuring a werewolf, there is a shocking lack of Giant Spirit Sky Wolves.

TV reporter Rachel isn’t happy about being sent from sunny LA to gray, freezing Scotland to interview a minor royal. But when he turns out to be reclusive billionaire Lord Alex McKillington, things start to get interesting. Why is the whole village scared to go near his private island? Why does he seem so worked up when he’s near her, his low voice almost a…growl? Alex has hidden his secret for years, isolating himself for the safety of others. But his need to mate hasn’t gone away and when Rachel walks into his life, controlling himself is impossible. When she discovers his secret, Rachel must convince the brooding, loner alpha male to put aside his demons and love again. But is she really ready to become his mate…and offer him her fertile body?

This is more a petit-bijoux Novelette, because the review says it's only 65 pages long. I suspect that the title does most of the world-building heavy lifting.

Everybody knows that in Romance Scotland, warm and sunny conditions only appear one day every hundred years because an 18th-century minister prayed to God for a miracle to protect the village and its people from the changing outside world.  Just kidding! That's Brigadoon! The weather is always grey and freezing in Romance Scotland, otherwise the Highlanders all get heat stroke.

Let's just get the "All A Bit Rapey" comment out of the way so we can move onto the fact that he's called Alex McKillington.

"His need to mate hasn't gone away and when Rachel walks into his life, controlling himself is impossible". "Rachel must convince". Meanwhile, "offer him her fertile body" is not the phrase I really wanted to read, well, ever. It's very much a "steady there, Henry VIII" vibe. Added to that the subtitle, "He Wanted Me Pregnant!" and I'm forced to ask if anyone in this story has any agency whatsoever? Grudging points I guess for the rare instance where neither the man or the woman involved have any.

Look, I get it. The loss of control plot is so popular because in the modern world, in order to be safe and have things like somewhere to live and food to eat, we have to be so in charge of everything and it's all the time, and we resent having to give up some of the control of our time and what we're doing (having a boss and a job) and we resent having to do things we might not want to or to diminish the fun in order to be safe (meeting a date for the first time in a public place, not leaving your drinks unattended, and so on). The willing surrender of control, and even the complete loss of control, is a powerful romantic escapist fantasy because in those fantasies the one taking over the control is (more often than not) the perfect man (I am genuinely yet to see even one where it's a woman), who is incredibly attractive, dripping in charisma, amazing at extremely consensual sex, and will now provide the financial security and the physical protection so you don't have to. The escapism comes because the reader knows that the hero the heroine is submitting to is going to treat her like the living goddess she so clearly is to him.

(Further, these books are more often than not taking place in an historical setting - however removed from reality - where a woman was expected to submit to her husband in all aspects, and the remove from modern life makes the trope feel safer.)

This book, though... it spells it out, which breaks the illusion somewhat, and it's a modern setting, where women are equals in their relationships - or damn well should be - so any submission, real or perceived, is done with full consent. In the real world "he wanted me pregnant!" sounds more like a reason someone ran from the relationship, not a reason to stay. There are people of all genders who feel inescapably trapped in bad relationships because their reproductive choice was taken away from them, and it is rarely through the benevolent intentions of the controlling partner. This "he wanted me pregnant!" line tap dances far too close to the line for me to be able to call it a harmless romance novel escapist trope.

This may sound far too serious and like I'm sucking the joy out of everything - after all, it's just a very short sexy story - but the romanticisation of abusive behaviour is a dangerous thing.

But anyway, the guy's called Alex McKillington, presumably because Alex McWerewolf-Eat-Your-Face was too long and on the nose and the majority of the story has to focus on getting around the creepy overtones.