No Sense Of Direction

1 Writing a prequel trilogy would just compliment the parallels of the first series so well. 2 Cinna as a character is suspiciously light on backstory, and SC is too clever to let that sit. 3 We learn about the shaping of the games into what it is in Katniss’s lifetime in BOSAS, but from a game makers perspective. We learn about the rebel perspective from SOTR. This would marry the two perspectives and also provide insight on the behind the scenes of the games marketing.

maybe Cinna was originally reaped but his brother volunteered - would explain his immediate connection with Katniss as well as his willingness to rebel (not to mention the parallels with Prim!)? Could convey the survivor’s guilt associated with not being the one to enter the arena.

Now there’s inflammation.

So my stomach is bloated, I feel nauseous all the time, and because I have a uterus, I’m also fending off questions of pregnancy.

ah yeah um it’s...

because I wonder how many sorry’s it would take to bleach the stain of myself from your life

because when I say I’m sorry, it’s not repentance for an action so much as apologizing for existence

because it’s better to beg forgiveness than assume acceptance, especially when you’ve been wrong so many times before

because I’m tired, not of life, but of living, and yet here I am, undeserving, all-consuming, drowning and taking others with me...

Also me: crying at episodes of Bluey (not even the emotional ones - just Handstand got me) and Abbott Elementary - really just crying randomly in general while doing dishes or driving - don’t wanna get up in the morning so perpetually late, not texting friends and family or answering phone calls, no appetite except for bread, feeling hazy, weighed down, and overwhelmed

And for someone who was having them on the regular a few months ago, that feels amazing.

Even if you suspected or knew, getting that official diagnosis means looking back and realizing how many traits or habits are actually coping mechanisms. And if you didn’t see it coming? Whew.

Like I was diagnosed with both OCD (out of nowhere) and Depression (suspected, although the persistent depressive disorder was a surprise), and both made me slump, but differently.

The unexpected diagnosis was like coming out of a daydream and realizing you’ve been treading water for forever and getting hit with the exhaustion all at once and wondering how exactly you managed to make it this long.

The expected diagnosis was more like knowing exactly how long I’ve been treading water but also realizing I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t treading and get hit with the debilitating fear that the best time in my life is behind me and just wanting to stop and sink.

Me to me: jokes on you, you’re always depressed

*zests the stupid orange so I can bake something stupid later with it*

*prepares for a stupid walk for my stupid mental health even though it’s stupid cold outside*

*lets my not-stupid husband know that none of this is his fault and that this stupid mood will pass and I’ll be back to normal by this afternoon*

Wake up long enough to drink coffee with my spouse. Maybe go for a walk.

“Oh, but you’re so good at that! We really appreciate you stepping up into that (volunteer, unpaid, usually highly skilled/technical) role.”

“*insert random church staff’s name* says in meetings that you’re on their list of highly valued volunteers - they know they can always rely on you.”

“Dream big, start small - we see so much potential in you and have so many places we want to use you to grow the Kingdom.”

You aren’t 20 anymore, so stop holding those expectations.

Maybe it’s not 20 for you - maybe it’s 15, or 8, or 27 or 35 - whenever. Doesn’t matter the age; it’s the mindset. Whatever age it is that you think of as your most accomplished, capable, self-actualized age.

I’m still holding goals and standards from when I was 20 that aren’t realistic anymore, especially with the new weights and responsibilities I have. I’m still holding onto an idealized standard (that may or may not have ever existed) and beating myself up for not having the same energy, same accomplishments, same social maintenance I did back then.

But I can’t spend hours in a coffee shop with friends when I have a kid who needs time at home. I can’t work out whenever I feel like it because I have work to do and a house to keep clean and people who rely on me for food and laundry, etc. I can’t look and act the same way because I’m not the same person - for better and for worse.

And I can’t do all the things I did back then because I have other, newer, more important things that take up space, mentally and emotionally and physically (and because most of what I accomplished back then was done with blatant unawareness/disregard for the mental health issues I was fighting, which meant I was perpetually on the brink of self-collapse, which in turn explains a lot about years 22-26).

Maybe everyone else already has a grip on this, but if you’re like me and drowning under the weight of your past self’s accomplishments, just know that you don’t have to carry those standards with you, like a stack of Amazon boxes that you carry and just keep adding to as life demands more and more from you - you can set them down, release them.