Huh?

FIJMU News 7-28-26 by Terry Tomah

The Texas state senate has made history today with new restrictions, intended to prevent abortions, that require a mother to support any life growing within her. In a rebuke to all known medical ethics and common sense, which have always stated that a human being cannot be forced to maintain the life of another (including a fetus) the new Texas law will force women to care for and preserve the life of their tumors, tapeworms, and any potentially fatal carcinogenic growths.

According to State Senator Ted Z. Cruz Jr., "Naturally this applies only to women. As the crucibles of the next generation of potentially white babies, women must be subject to state scrutiny to ensure that no living human cells, however toxic or parasitic, can be in their hands to cease. This is not just my belief, but the word of God as given through his son, George Washington."

Though the law is blatantly illegal and will kill millions, the only hope against it comes from a lawsuit by the ACLU, which will take five years to be considered, ten to be denied and appealed, and will then only result in a $300 fine for Cruz whose net worth today is $70 billion, rather than any actual repeal of the law. Because that's how this country works now.

Protests are also already underway, and are being ignored with 99.89% efficiency by media and politicians alike. To be clear, this is all satire and I'm saying so in the article this time because y'all believed the "Texas Executes Baby" post: