// water when it rots //

as with visuals, i suffer from permanent auditory hallucinations. the weirdest and most difficult of which are when i hallucinate silence. sound weird? let me explain:

i hear voices and noise all the time and sometimes this gets so overwhelmingly loud that i’m rendered temporarily deaf. the noises in my head can get so loud that one time i played music through my speaker at full volume and couldn’t hear it when i presses my ear up against it. to take this one step further, the voices in my head are sometimes so loud that they’re inaudible and i can’t make out what theyre saying so everything just goes silent except for one really high pitched shrill.

something that people don’t think of/understand is that having constant auditory hallucinations at this volume affects balance massively. i spend almost every second of the day with headphones in and music playing. this makes it hard for me to differentiate between the voices/noises i’m hearing in my head and the music that is playing. it’s a very neat trick for grounding, regaining balance and to avoid headaches.

one of the worst experiences with auditory hallucinations recently:

a few days ago all the voices started crescendoing until they were so unbearably loud that it shook the inside of my skull. then in an instant everything went silent, there were no voices or anything which has never happened before. after a couple of seconds a single voice that was excruciatingly loud and deep spoke very clearly and said:

“This is it. Goodbye. This is where you loose your mind”

then all the voices came back and were so loud i genuinely believed my ears were bleeding. after that everything went downhill (which is definitely a story for another day).

aside from voices i also hear:

phones ringing

knocking at the door

rats/insects scratching

sirens

knives sharpening

heavy/chesty breathing

screams...lots of screaming

*trigger warning*

yeah, this is going to take a while so i’ll desperate it into three parts

throughout my life i have always experienced constant visual and audio hallucinations. the most bizarre visual that people are shocked to hear is that i can never see people’s eyes. not one single person that i’ve ever come into contact with has had eyes. therapists have speculated about this throughout my life and came to the conclusion that it focuses heavily on trust and the eyes being the windows to the soul or some bullshit like that. instead of eyes, people have eye sockets that are just black and mouldy. like if you took someone’s eyeballs out and left the sockets to rot.

my visual hallucinations have no limit, they can manifest themselves in any way possible. some of the more traumatic ones that i remember are:

being eaten alive - by giant bugs and sometimes people

a close dead family member following and talking to me

Flick (he’s in a wheelchair and has both his legs amputated and looks like he has thick blue acid coursing through his veins)

melting faces - this happens too frequently

intruders

*graphic* being skinned alive *graphic*

insects and acid under my skin

insects/giant spiders - the little ones are the worst

seeing inside my own body (this is mostly through mirrors)

people breaking their necks in front of me - happens far too often

*possible trigger warning*

(reading/hearing about my delusions is one of the only things that really triggers me so for that reason i’m going to keep this short and sweet)

instead of explaining what delusions are i’m going to write about my personal experiences with them.

when i was eleven i lived for three months with the grandiose delusion that i was the devil. in those three months my family and the hospital had to force feed me as i would refuse to eat because i thought, as the devil, i didn’t need to eat to survive. i also held my arms and face over open flames and tried to set myself on fire multiple times because again i thought, as the devil, fire wouldn’t burn me. this shows that delusions are not just bizarre thoughts or ideas but are in fact really dangerous. since then i have also believed that i was a reincarnation of the mass suicide/serial killer jim jones.

so i don’t care if i’m late to this party i want to do this for me. the 30 day question/topic thingy for schizophrenia awareness month. i’m not doing it in conjunction with the questionnaire itself. like i said i’m doing this just for me.

i was diagnosed with psychosis when i was eight years old and diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia a year later when i was nine. i experience:

constant visual and audio hallucinations.

tactical hallucinations

proprioceptive hallucinations.

delusions (of more than one type)

disorganised speech and behaviour

psychosomatic pains

emotional flatness

I also experience frequent bouts of:

mania

catatonia

major depression

(totally unrelated but when i finished writing that i sparked my lighter and saw for a second this burned man screaming desperately trying to escape the flames. three times after he was still there so i switched lighters & all was ok)*

* all is most definitely NOT ok. i’m seeing the “lighter man” EVERY time i spark a lighter. literally any lighter. his screams are so agonising it’s painful. he’s reaching out for me. he wants to “burn me badly” he says. i swear if this little fucker is the reason i have to stop smoking i’m gunna be so pissed.

22:36

10/6/18

i free up all my time for you, cancel all my plans for you. introduce you to my friends and say i’ll try new things with you

but that’s not enough

when i’m buying new clothes know i’m buying them to impress you. spending hours finding songs that i know’ll help de-stress you

but that’s not enough

my days they center around you, i exist only to protect you. i said we’d take it slow because trust is a big thing for you

but that’s not enough

i tell you how much you mean to me, in awe of how this came to be. i question myself everyday on how i could get so lucky

but that’s not enough

when i was in hospital all i did was text you, scared to stop talking overthinking what you might do

but that wasn’t enough

i’d take a bullet and a knife for you, would literally give my life for you

and that’s not enough

so tell me,

[its 3:31am]i’m writing this because i feel like i am about to experience another episode(if it gets sloppy i’ll neaten it up when i’m myself again).

i’m experiencing severe paranoia and crippling hallucinations right now. i would rate a normal days level of paranoia as a strong 9 on the scale (where 1 is “no paranoia” and 10 is “can i walk outside with a mirror?”) but severe paranoia would place probably a weak 14, strong 13, on that same scale. i talk to overcompensate for the fear my paranoia causes, so when there’s no one to talk at it’s considerably worse. a paranoia/hallucination tag team breakdown right now:

an old wooden clock that sounds like it’s 50 feet tall but every time it chimes-which sounds like a creak-it’s getting louder and closer.

footsteps (meh, just your bog standard audio hallucinations, come on brain you can do better)

a scream that also sounds like a whistle from an old steam train. but every time i hear this scream my pulse rises and suddenly no corners in my room are safe-and i wonder how loud the clock gets before whatever is operating it kills me?-my eyes dart around as to secure my defences mentally (okay brain, ease off now).

an ancient ritual of dark magic origin happening right outside my window in 2018 england (need i even explain? fucking terrifying shit). chanting words that i am unfamiliar with whilst speaking of my imminent death. which is where the FOOTSTEPS are coming from. the music shares similarities with african tribe calls and throat singing.

someone’s screaming outside. it’s the worst scream i’ve ever heard in my entire life. it’s gut wrenching and so unbelievably frightening and i need help. i’m trying to think back to a time when i was more terrified from a collection of audio hallucinations than right now. and i can’t. what the fuck is going on. these simple sounds i hear in my head everyday have just been mutated into my worst fears as sounds. write down the words that come into your head right now don’t think about it just go

everything is moving, swirling around and moving. even things that are fixed; walls; carpets; heavy furniture.

they aren’t just physically moving out of place. they’re swirling. kinda like when something hits water and it ripples? i’m watching things fall from shelves but they don’t make corresponding sounds when they hit the floor. All the books fell from my top shelf and when they hit the ground it sounded like explosions! that and the scratching on the inside of my head. i can feel it at the back of my eyes and it’s so uncomfortable.

22:39

14/3/18

(36)

but when will we realise they’re causing an affray

i’m dealing with the shit that is life the only way i know

yeah it doesn’t work ... of course i know it doesn’t work

but it’s unbelievable how right it feels in that moment

~ when my head takes over ~

i’ll never be able to believe that anyone is really there for me

because i had that feeling for years, and look how it turned out

so when things go at odds of that it’s really fucking confusing

like, why aren’t you happy that i’m hurting myself?

i really have no idea how to respond to kindness

because there’s a million voices in my head that are trying to do me wrong

why do i destroy everything that means anything to me?

i cause a chain reaction of destruction that happens subconsciously

i’m stuck in perpetual purgatory inside my own fucked up head

which tells me how much pain i’m causing and that they’d be “better off if i was dead”

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

a friend once told me about ‘fight or flight’ and i didn’t get it, but i was wrong

‘cos’ how couldn’t i understand something so natural when ive been running all along

it doesn’t even bother me anymore that the slightest thing might push me over the edge

l seriously look forward to it

i’ve got no interest in this world

it’s not the slightest bit enjoyable for me

i laid down in the bath my feet flat against the wall

shower head exploding the water starts to fall

if the water isn’t hydrofluoric then it won’t clean my skin

if the sponges aren’t barbed wire then they won’t lift a thing