
art blog(derogatory)

tannertan36

Janaina Medeiros

#extradirty
Cosmic Funnies
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Three Goblin Art

roma★

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
Xuebing Du
noise dept.

shark vs the universe
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
🪼
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Peter Solarz
DEAR READER
occasionally subtle
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@non-neuro-typical

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"Lessons" abusive parents teach their kids:
The worst thing you can be is demanding. Everyone will hate you. Be invisible. Ask for nothing.
No, actually the worst thing you can be is visibly upset and asking for help when we hurt you. Shut Up. Act Normal. You're Fine.
You have no right to express your feelings & if you ever do, you will be humiliated, shamed, and shunned. Get self control. You're pathetic if you can't shut down and shove all your feelings where we don't have to see.
You are not special and nothing important will ever happen to you. Any kind of throwing a fuss is you being dramatic/crazy. We will institutionalize you if you don't quiet down.
You will never survive without us. Not only you owe us for your life but you are helpless without us and always will be. Slight us and die.
You have to deserve to survive. Nobody wants you to even exist so earn your keep. Either in labour or letting us violate your boundaries or both. You exist to serve.
Nobody cares what you think. You can't trust your thoughts and shouldn't verbalize any of them.
There is something so selfish, spoiled, bad and fundamentally evil inside you, you have to be treated with cruelty continuously or you would become a terrible monster.
Any slight in your personality or behaviour is a reason to hurt you and it is always your fault. If you didn't want this you would have been a different person.
You are beyond help and not worth paying attention to. You are so defective you are lucky we're feeding you/giving you a roof over your head. Nobody else will be as kind.
You are intrinsically stupid and don't understand anything, and never will. Not even worth explaining things to you.
You always lack empathy and never think enough of how we are feeling/what we want. If you cared you would do what was wanted before we said anything.
We can do anything to you because we gave you life. Nothing is off limits.
Trajectory of your life is only there to make our lives easier. Anything you do that inconvenices us is an act of evil that needs to be destroyed and sabotaged.
Other people think the worst of you and find you a burden and a nuisance. Don't expect them to help or accept you. There is no place for you.
You being stubborn about something is a crime worth destroying you over.
We have the right to your unconditional love and forgiveness no matter what we do. If you try to withdraw this we will make you feel like the worst person to ever exist.
You get to make zero choices in a relationship. The second you want something that doesn't please the other person, you risk abandonment and/or revenge. This is how it should be.
You only ever get to analyze your own behaviour and try to do better. If you try to criticize anyone else, you'll be told to look at yourself all over again. You're not perfect.
You are only allowed the lowest, most degrading thoughts about yourself. If you develop any confidence we'll make you feel stupid for ever believing anything positive of yourself.
It's okay that you live your life in a suicidal state if it pleases us. Just never speak up on that because its inconvenient and we will ignore/taunt you if you say something.
None of that is true, and nobody deserves to be taught any of that. Especially as a child. This is dehumanizing and cult-like exploitative behaviour.
Thoughts I had growing up abused:
I'm so lucky to be able to have a roof over my head. Some people don't have that much.
I'm lucky my family feeds me, and I have to make sure to eat everything I'm given. Some children don't get to eat.
Imagine how worse things could be for me if my parent was more like (insert an extremely violent criminal you've heard about )
If my parents knew what I was thinking right now they'd kill me (I had angry thoughts)
I need to remember my parents had way worse childhood than me and I'm having it easy so it's normal for them to be resentful and angry at me all the time
They don't mean all the things they say to me, it just gets out in anger because they don't think it's fair for me to have an easier life than they did
I'm sure my parents would act differently if they just understood. They always just think it's not serious when I say anything. It's my fault for joking around sometimes.
I'm sure everyone has it just as bad as me but we don't talk about it.
I wonder how everyone is keeping it together so well if things are this bad for everyone?
I must be the weakest most pathetic out of everyone. I can't have anyone know.
My situation isn't that bad because bad things are not happening all the time. Right now nobody is doing anything to me. So I need to stop feeling like this.
What is wrong with me that I can't feel normal?
If only I got kidnapped/tortured/trafficked. Then my feelings would be explained. Plus I could scream out loud which I really want to do but it would bother people so I don't.
Is it okay for me to exist? Would things be better for everyone if I was gone?
If only I never existed. There's no way out of this now.
I'm selfish for wanting to die because it would upset my parents if they found me dead. They would be so mad I didn't think about them when doing that. I can't be that insensitive.
I just need to get over myself. I'm not that important. It doesn't matter. There's nothing special about me. I'm just being dramatic and making things up.
I thought all of these were normal thoughts to have. They're not. This is the mindset of a child who is cornered, consistently guilty, ashamed, making allowances for people who hurt them and blaming themselves for every symptom of abuse they suffer, while being terrified it would get worse. Abused children are forced to think like that.
I just want to feel safe within myself
I give off a certain “traumatized dog that doesn’t know how to even want to be happy or value its existence and autonomy outside of being of service to others” that girls seem to keep hugging me about.

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i was thinking about how i need to stop comparing myself to the standards and capabilities of physically healthy neurotypical people but then i remembered that we were not born to work 40 hours weeks neurotypical or not
abused kids reaching late teenage years: it seems I have trauma symptoms, which is odd because nothing traumatic had ever happened to me... sure I don't have many memories of my childhood but I am sure that everything that happened was 100% my fault and also normal and I am supposed to be strong enough to be over that and it was a long time ago so. That's all good. Now. I need to hide these trauma symptoms or my parents will kill me.
"well everyone has trauma" correct and yet
you fail to recognize not everyone has trauma that impacts their ability to perform activities of daily living - even right down to basic things like eating. and not everyone has trauma dominate their entire life, with no escape: not even escape from within their own mind.
we can recognize that we live in a society that has doled out trauma to most people without punching down on the most vulnerable by telling them they should be able to do x, y, z (ex: work, make friends, get sober, have hobbies, cook, etc) "like everyone else."
you are not the standard. no one is the standard. we are all unique people in our own right and society has failed us all. we gain nothing by shaming anyone.
Somewhere deep in my shitty childhood I was taught that the most loving thing I can do for someone is to not be a burden. To not add my stress to theirs. To become invisible.
Somewhere in my relationships I learned that things cannot be unsaid and that any words spoken will become ammo that is saved up and returned without context or expiration. I was taught to stay silent because spoken words are dangerous.
Slowly but surely an affection style built entirely out of self-erasure became my central pillar.
Unlearning that has not been easy. Learning to endure the discomfort of existing with intention, sharing without apology, taking up space, being selfish, having needs, being vulnerable, requesting support...
I'm so lucky for the partners I have for giving me space to unlearn. For being forgiving when I slip. When I hide. When I return to old scripts.
Day by day I'm learning a new affection style based on being present and intentional. Even if I forget sometimes. I can always get back on the wagon.
I got denied for disability after waiting 2 ½ years for a response and the wording in the letter pissed me off. So I wrote a poem about it.
Image id in alt text
Poem transcript under the cut

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Some days are just harder than others. If that day is today for you, I'm sending you a hug 🫂
it's so wild when your parent changes when you become an adult. my dad is very cordial and non confrontational - he regularly helps me with adult stuff like changing the oil or providing insurance tips. he's always smiling when i call him on video and providing jokes when i complain about college
when i was a kid, i would have to tiptoe around his anger issues often, sometimes running quietly past his work table until he got his own place completely separate from our family, locked away for days. every so often he would start screaming in the car and trying to hit me or my brother for talking too loud while my mom attempted to calm him down as he swerved on the road. and now he, smiling, helps me with car insurance.
like oh, this is just who you are when you have power over someone, and this is who you are when you dont have power over someone. no wonder you can have a normal life, friends, work while scaring the shit out of your kids and wife. i see it now. i see why no one would have believed me. that, i think, is one of the core fears of trauma - seeing the outside of it from the perspective of other adults that brushed you aside, and understanding. of course, that understanding gives the opposite of solace; it just gives you more grief with nowhere for it to go
cooking with trauma
reblog to tell a 14 year old that these are the very, very hard years and they're not wrong to feel the way they do.
I had a fifteen minute long crying session yesternight over the fact that all I was 10 years ago, at the ripe old age of 14, is lost and lonely, and now, at 24, I am neither and that filled me with so much gratitude
reblog to tell a teenager that these aren’t actually the best years of your life and that things can and will get better when you have independance and maybe are away from your situation right now.
Its me reblog to tell me that
Same thing with young adults. It can still get better. Your thirties aren’t when you’re getting old, that’s 70s-80s and we all know old people can be cool as hell anyway.
It might take time. More than has already passed, but it will get better.
It gets better. It does, right? Yeah. Yeah it gets better.
It might take time. More
than has already passed, but
it will get better.
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
shockingly getting out of that fucking house and into anywhere else does wonders for your ability to function!
I have never been as unhappy as I was as a teenager, and I have been through some SHIT.
Start looking into ways cptsd and traumatic family environments affect you *now* so you can start mitigating the damage.
a small thing i learned from my sister dying is that i really would rather the people i love be a burden than be whatever the hell else they'd be if they weren't. yes even if it's messy and not always fair and hard completely inconvenient for everyone involved. even if it's weird. even if i'm rolling my eyes a bit inside sometimes. i just want you to bother me. please always bother me
like "it's rotten work" "not to me not if it's you" actually sometimes it's still rotten work. even if it's you. and i'd still do it a million times over
So I have been in therapy for a bit over a year and taking medication to help me manage my chronic PTSD, depression, and panic attacks. About a week ago I started getting treated for ADHD and in the week since I started taking ADHD medication I have been having almost daily massive autistic meltdowns and lots of autistic behavior that I had been compensating for and covering up coming out. It's been a huge mind fuck. I grew up in a family that was very hostile and authoritarian towards any differences and disabilities of any kind and I was the oldest female child with a disabled younger sibling who also had epilepsy, so I very much had to be the high functioning one. In the midst of one of these meltdowns, triggered by something totally not the fault of my partner, I told him, sobbing with snot all over my face, not for the first time since I've started therapy, that he doesn't deserve this and deserves a partner who is healthy and functioning and that he should divorce me and if he did I understand because this is too much and obviously I don't want to leave him but it's all just so much and I feel terrible. I asked him if he really wanted to be married to someone who is having all of these problems and melt downs and panic attacks all the time?? He immediately with no hesitation or doubt said yes, yes, absolutely yes. I don't know how I managed to find and be blessed with someone like him despite the shit hand I was dealt.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
The day I realized that wanting to be saved is in fact a trauma response and that no matter how old I get, I’ll be a small child waiting for someone to save me
learning that constantly thinking about and analyzing and interpreting my traumas isn’t actually healing . and don’t get me wrong its made me a very effective communicator and emotionally intelligent person. but actually im supposed to be moving on and experiencing new things and happiness and stuff and not just compulsively reliving and recontextualizing the past. oops!