Simple Complexities

I remember the first time I met you. You're Derek's friend. Fresh and naive from the pickings of high schoolers, I was this new fresh faced kid unknowing of the trouble I would get into. I was this really weird kid, and you were the cool mysterious one. When I met you, I felt I could crumble the minute you showed any interest in me. With you, I had my first beer. With you, we lost horribly at my first game of beer pong. With you, I was this one shot wonder all over the place. And with you holding me up, arms around me, and taking care of me, my drunk goggles told me you were my knight in shining armor. I don't remember the exact timeline of events, but I remember getting pho with you at 3am, watching the sunrise with you 2 hours later, and I remember sitting next to you looking at you talk to me and thinking, "I wonder what would happen if we happened?" I know you knew what I was thinking, but the gentleman you are didn't because I was Derek's "little ading". You were my forbidden fruit and highly discouraged. Derek told me we can't happen. I was not right for him. I'm way too young. I'm like a kid sister and the protective big brother he was said no. You walked me to my dorm, my roommate wasn't home, and I went for it anyways. It felt good to kiss you. It felt right to hold you. I felt safe and protected and happy. But, a part of me was frightened. I didn't want to be that girl that he forgets. What if I was another notch on his belt? What if he never speaks to me?  Alot of thoughts went through my mind and so I stopped. I told you to leave and I never explained. I met a new guy and we never really talked again.

Until years later, I message you. We talked and talked, and after 3 years, I tell you what happened that night. You admit the mutual feelings and we kept talking. We catch up and I want to learn more and more about you. I want to you to take me out on a date. I want to be able to hold you again, and kiss my forehead when I'm feeling sad. I didn't think this through or thought of how it could potentially work. For once after 5 years of getting over my worst heartbreak, I felt something again. Something genuinely real. Where my chest feels like it could collapse but hearing your voice could restore it. I thought I could never feel like this again, but it is. And now, for the second time, it still can't. It's unfair to ask you to do the noble thing and wait for me, and it's unfair that we struggle as it is to communicate everyday. Even when I need someone to help me forget how alone I feel in this country, you can't be there to hold me and make it go away. I didn't think this through and no matter how we want to date each other, it's not possible. We can't be. And so I thought if we just talk everyday until the day we can meet again it'll make the grand reunion even greater, but then this fear came over me and the reality of our situation hit me. What if he meets someone? What if he really ends up falling for her? It would mean I must let him go because he deserves someone he can hold when she cries. He deserves to take her out on dates and actually cuddle her in his arms and not some computer or stupid phone to pretend it's me. 

Adult: but not gay

Adult: or transgender

Adult: or a high school drop out

Adult: or a single parent

Adult: or a teen parent

Adult: or an actor

Adult: or an artist

Adult: or a musician

Adult: or unemployed

Adult: and you must marry someone

Adult: and you must have kids

Adult: and save money

Adult: and conform to society

Adult: and do this and do that