NoFapProgress

I am on another no fap journey is more with religious intent. I promised my 40 days to my God in no fapping. I’m on day 4. 10% through my journey and I feel good. Just hungry though.

Here’s my return let’s hop for better results and stronger discipline!

A prayer -

- Lord thank you for blessing with the means and giving me a better mentality on self views. You have given me the strength and motivation to do better and I want to give you this promise within myself to have self discipline and show my faith to you. I’m giving 40 days and 40 nights. I pray for those around me and that you bless them and bless the readers too.

In Jesus name I pray,

But my first sexual encounters goes back five years before that. Me at 7 I wasn’t able to give consent he was 12. He was old enough to know that I was different from the other boys. Because the last time he tried to get me to do something I said no cause I don’t like boys. And he said,”See that’s what I needed to hear,” and he smiled and turned around so we could all play.

Then when I was 12 I got raped by another family member. He had been trying to do it to me since he got there. I was trying so hard to fight him off of me. But eventually he got the better of me, but fortunately my brother caught us. We never talked about it and I think I’m the only one who still remembers. But since then my relationship with older men that look up to have never been the same. I get along better with women. My innocence was taking from so now my goal is to fight for kids so they don’t have to experience that.

I feel on edge. I found myself reading somebody’s journey on no fapping and he ended up relapsing. And the way he tore himself down. That scares me. I feel even after you relapse you should still give yourself praise. To have that guilt of not wanting to do is something you should be proud of. Were you ashamed before did it make you feel good? The goal for today is self praise. I made it to day 13 and am actually transitioning into day 14. That’s God. I’m to set new milestones. 

My biggest problem now is that I have so much energy and I find myself feeding myself poison. I still look at porn, but I’m realizing now that that’s got to stop too. So for now, no more twitter, no more instagram unless I’m there to post or catch up on my non sexual content. 

Goals for day 14:

Pray

Read the scripture

meditate

find somewhere somehow to use this energy.

Dear God,

Thank you for giving me the strength to challenge myself. I pray that I grow spiritually into you lord. Wrap your arms around me lord and protect me from this addictions that I face everyday. I give myself to you lord and worship and praise you, lord. Again, thank you for all that you do and all that you will do.

Last night I found out that I have another addiction. Porn. At first I thought it was nothing but I find myself going on twitter just looking at the people I follow. Mostly amateur porn stars. So I’m gonna mute so that I can still build a brand with my twitter account.

I literally touch myself in hopes that I’ll give in and just jerk it. I get hard and rub my member in hopes that my hand will just lose control and give me that feeling that I miss. But my heart, my heart is stronger this time. It knows how bad I feel when I just cave in. It knows the tears I cry when I break a promise to myself. You want to know why I want to stop this.

A couple years ago I found out my cousin was pregnant. And she’s never had an issue with a pregnancy ever. She usually smokes during her pregnancies. Well this time she she decided to quit I didn’t know this at the time. I made a promise to God that I won’t masturbate until she has the baby. I was going strong for a week. Then temptation got the best of me. The very next day I found out she had a miscarriage.

I know it’s not my actual fault that she had the miscarriage it’s not hers either. Every time I have family who gets pregnant I’m always stressed about them losing their baby so I wanted to live stress free and not worry about this baby being unhealthy and well they died. But there is light at the end of this tunnel. She ended up having a sweet and smart young handsome baby boy that same year. She actually conceived him around the time her other baby was supposed to be born. A true rainbow baby.

I’m staying strong for the baby that didn’t get a chance.

But I’m using more methods. I’m gonna take a break from social media that triggers urges. I’m talking to a guy now and I think it can go somewhere. My goal is to build a relationship and graduate and so many things.

Lately I’ve been feeling down about my current job situation. But I’ve made it to day nine and I feel more comfortable at my job. As of now I’m just waiting on the benefits. This time I’m around I’m not watching porn or reading erotica. I’m avoiding it all together. I do find myself looking at butts. I love big booties. Lol but I don’t go online looking for them I just look at them at work. My hormones are amplified but my goal is to stay in control and focus on my goal. To focus only on not masturbating and avoiding watching porn.

I recently moved back and I’m looking forward to restarting my journey. I just hate the anxiety feeling when I don’t fap. I think the problem is the I mistake my anxiety for horny hormones. Being black, we have a bad rep of ignoring mental illness. I have a mental illness. I have paranoia and anxiety and I think if I can control this specific urge then I’ll be able to stop this habit.