vincit qui se vincit

Katherine was silent for a long moment as she redirected her gaze toward the treetops. A piece of her was sad knowing that’s how Fenrir felt about being human, but she could relate to a certain degree. “ Being human is hard for me too, ” she confessed as she gently squeezed his arm. “ Can I tell you something? ” She turned back to him a little hesitantly: “ I don’t think I’ve ever been fully satisfied with being just human, or just a witch. I think that’s partially why I welcomed this change, but I still feel like I’m constantly going back and forth with myself. Don’t get me wrong. This is my home. You’re my family now–you, Agnes, Albert, Phoebus. I just feel like I should be doing more, but can’t figure out what. Maybe that’s the human part talking, though. ”

Katherine absentmindedly hummed as she traced her fingers along part of the hammock. “ It’s definitely easier during the full moon, but… is there anything I can do now? ” She felt fidgety despite her best attempts to remain calm and collected like Fenrir was. She had the urge to chew on her thumbnails, but used great restraint not to. “ I feel like getting up and running or climbing a tree or doing anything that can distract me from this feeling, but it always ends up coming back. ”

For as much as Fenrir had felt separate from most of witches and wizards, there was something just genuinely nice and not something he experienced often. At least not in this level of sincerity. It was different than what he’d usually experience. Different from what he’d usually like, but it was nice every once in a while. With the right sort of person.

As Katherine asked if she could tell him something, Fenrir just nodded silently. He knew he needed to be open with the pack. Agnes had ragged on him enough about that. At least with Agnes and Katherine it was easier than with anyone else. He listened, nodding lightly, his eyebrows knitting in slight as she continued. “More how?” as he asked, he knew that she didn’t have the answer. She said that she couldn’t figure it out. “More out in the world?” He didn’t specify what part of it. People. Adventure. Just having space. He couldn’t choose for her.

I couldn’t possibly. I’m not wearing any. 

Katherine laughed at what he said, though she doubted it was intended to be perceived as a joke. “ Don’t overestimate me, ” she said without hesitation. The thought of running away had occurred to her a time or two before, but never seemed within reason. Besides, she couldn’t escape from herself which was what she reckoned she feared more than anything else at this point. “ It’s not fear, Fen. I mean, it is partially, but—aren’t you ever afraid of yourself and the lack of control? The things you can do? The things you actually do? Because I’m feeling all of that, ” she said as she leveled him a very serious look before trying to wave the subject off by corking her emotions. “ Never mind, I just feel like I’m trapped in my own head and need to find a way out. ”

The chance of someone running away from this wasn’t just a small potential. The majority of those who turned did. They acted like it wasn’t even there. They tries to hide from it. Tried to push it down and pretend as if it wasn’t there. That want and need even at times was there for people. It was obvious now as she spoke, that it was there for Katherine as well. “I wasn’t. I had always wanted this. I feel more that way about being human than I do about being a werewolf.”

“ That sounds just dreamy, ” She heaved a long sigh as she pictured a perfect summer playing out in her head. “ I always love a good bonfire. There’s something about the smell–it reminds me of the summertime. ” Summer was fierce and warm and, to Katherine, it was everything she wasn’t during the cold and lackluster months she grew to despise. “ Have I mentioned that I hate winter? Cold weather makes me feel gross, ” She absentmindedly drummed her fingers as she trailed off before arriving at a sudden realization: “ Which would probably explain why whiskey tastes so much better in December than July. ”

“Anything warm is better in the winter,” Fenrir admitted. Whiskey, fires, sleep, everything. Fenrir had to agree with that. Just like anything cold was better in the summer. Jumping into a lake during a run was one of the best things. The next cabin they got, Fenrir was going to make sure there was a tub for hot baths. That sounded even better than the winter. “Well, we should have plenty of whiskey at the end of winter so that we can really celebrate it. Any suggestions? Take your mind off the change coming up.”

In that moment Fenrir’s arm was proving to be just comfortable as he was equally infuriating. She shifted slightly as she turned her neck towards him so the eye roll she made in response was more visible. “ That’s one history lesson we’re both well aware of, ” she said in a taunting tone. Absentmindedly fussing with one of her sleeves, Katherine closed her eyes and replayed his words again in her head. They didn’t make much sense, but then again, most things involving Fenrir typically never did to her. He still remained a mystery in many ways, which was one of the dangerous qualities that she felt constantly magnetized her to him time after time.

“ I want to run, I’m just not sure towards what, ” she commented with a tinge of humor dripping in her voice. Heeding his advice seemed easier said than done, but deep down a piece of her knew he was right. Everything was still new to her and she doubted the sensation would fade away any time soon. Though exhilarating, it was equally terrifying and she often felt like her heart might violently explode outside of her chest from all the overthinking.  “ If you’re not restless, what is it then? ” She sighed loudly as she plopped her head against his arm for added support. “ I just feel like— ” this is hard, is what she wanted to say, but then she didn’t know if she would be talking about strictly the transformation anymore or something else entirely. “ I just don’t know how that is supposed to look for me. I feel so chaotic on the inside—I know there has to be a way to control it, at least to some degree, but I don’t think I ever even give myself the chance to try. ”

He’d never been the bet with words. Fenrir was far better with acting on things than he was about saying things or working them out that way. Either someone got it or they didn’t. He gave up trying to make himself eloquent a long time ago and instead just did whatever he wanted.

Katherine felt as he adjusted in the hammock. The slight swaying motion allowed her to relax slightly, but she was still undeniably tense. She leaned further into him wondering if he felt a similar way, but decided to swallow her words whole. Things always seemed different for the rest of the pack than they were for Fenrir. Perhaps harder and more unusual; like a new concept she was still trying to maneuver the inner ravelings of. Maybe not for Agnes who always appeared to be so confident in herself, but Kate felt the rest of them muddled by as best they could. She would be fooling herself to think anything else. She both admired and resented Fenrir for this—it seemed like everything came so instinctively for him. He was the most level-headed this time of the month; especially compared to Katherine, who was always prone to lead with her heart instead of her head no matter the situation. 

“ That’s impressive considering trouble tends to follow you, ” she said as the edges of her lips tugged upward. She half expected him to ask her the same, but was ill-prepared to give an answer when the time came. “ Just feeling restless I guess, ” her smile faded as she shrugged her shoulders back and allowed her gaze to drift up toward the treetops. She didn’t want to tell him she despised this feeling because that wasn’t entirely true, however, she hated the in-between; the gray space; the void she felt when everything was suspended in motion. She felt like she was just absentmindedly passing the time until the full moon finally took its hold, which was making it harder to hide her current level of discomfort. “ I don’t understand, ” Kate finally admitted to him a bit defeated. “ How do you do it? How are you so composed right now? I feel like I’m going crazy over here. ”  

Admittedly, it was nice to have Katherine there next to him. Grounding in a sort of way. Even when Fenrir wasn’t moving, his mind was, racing and fighting back and forth with himself. Full of turmoil and a type of livable uneasiness. Katherine leaned into him gave him a place to direct his thoughts and it was less like his mind was running through the woods around him and instead was there in his head like it should be.

Katherine considered herself many things—“well-composed” was not typically one of them, but she kept herself neatly packaged inside her shell until she couldn’t prevent herself from spilling out the cracks anymore. Recently she felt sick to her stomach—at least, that was the only way she knew how to describe it. Compared to her usually carefree self, the feeling was lackluster—weighted with every worry and pressing anxiety. It wasn’t all bad, but today it felt like a hunger that would never cease awoken by the beast of another looming full moon. It always started in the most subtle of ways like a gust of wind being carried down her spine the wrong way or an unsatisfied craving keeping her awake through all hours of the night. It was impossible to forget the change that was dawning on the horizon, but sometimes it felt easier ignoring it until she simply couldn’t anymore. 

Kate had become quite accustomed to the pack’s shared routine of disorder. She understood everyone had different ways of dealing with the oncoming transformation, but that didn’t make it any easier for her to cope. This time of the month proved difficult for a number of reasons. She felt more dependent on her pack-mates than she wanted to be and had a hard time allowing everyone the necessary room to breathe, often attaching herself to whoever made themselves available. Typically she clung to Agnes; she was the one unchanging constant in Kat’s life and always made her feel safe. She could seek sanctuary with her, but she couldn’t ignore that Fenrir sometimes made her feel a similar way—the unusual feeling suddenly returning as he caught her eye a good stretch across the forest. A matter of seconds passed before she decided to take action, climbing down from her perfect spot pitched up high in a nearby tree and making the short trek over to where she spotted his hammock. Her usually light steps were made with extra care as she approached, rustling over the occasional leaf or snapping a twig along the way.  “ Hi,” she said gingerly as she sunk into the hammock next to him. She paused, as if waiting for some type of reaction her intrusion was okay, before continuing curiously: “ What are you doing out here? ”

There was some relief in seeing that it was Katherine who had come to find him. She likely wouldn’t want anything too drastic from him so he wouldn’t have to worry about being too polite either and not being too nosy. “I’m keeping myself out of trouble,” he answered instead, shifting position in the hammock, making a bit more room for her by way of approval. Fenrir used one leg to ground himself he was settled and he let them just sway in slight. The pack was more delicate than Fenrir would like, but at least he could count on Agnes to hold it together when he was more likely to break it apart. He wasn’t going to ruin what she’d worked so hard on by being territorial now. Besides, it was different with Katherine. It always had been.

Fenrir’s skin was already itching. It had been like this for some while now, not just for this full moon but for the last several if not more. He liked to hold onto that feeling. It felt more like being alive than the other days but compared nothing to the actual full moon. It left Fenrir a bit stir crazy and spending more time on runs than he typically had a habit to--or at least during the average week. It wasn’t a feeling that he knew anyone else felt. For them, it seemed different. Foreign if he understood correctly--something he was never good at. He was told not to push, but that was never an easy thing anywhere near the full moon.

Staying away from the cabin seemed like the best idea when he felt the need to press people on this. He’d already turned them once but it didn’t stop the urge from doing it again. Changing their minds on this gift.

If anyone can have money, why doesn’t everyone? And it’s more about how much you have. [ she snorts ] Oh, are you being sued regularly? What an interesting life you lead. 

Because we don’t care to. Money doesn’t buy happiness, or whatever. [ he grins ] That would mean whoever was suing me would have to find me. I just think things worth getting sued for are more fun.

“Oh, that’s cool. I wouldn’t mind living in a cabin in the woods, that’d be pretty rad.” She snorts in laughter, grinning. “I don’t, like, *sleep* in them or anything. Well. Usually.”

“It is--mostly,” he adds with a laugh. “ Look, if you’ve gotta say that you don’t you probably do. I’m guilty of that too.”

Did she really? And you listened? [ she laughs ] Fenrir Crazy Adventures Greyback. Nice. Mine’s Marigold. Not quite as catchy, but it’s the only part of my actual name I liked. I do indeed. I’ve been spending a fair amount of time here, actually. [ she takes the bottle back and takes a large drink from it ]  With the exception of Albert, I’m pretty popular, it seems. Try and try as I might, I cannot for the life of me get him to be my friend. 

I don’t think I’ve gotten better, if that’s what you’re asking. [ he quirks an eyebrow at her middle name ] That’s a bit different from the rest of it, that’s for sure. It’ll take time with Albert. Not enough time for me yet. But you’ll probably get there sooner.

Money menas you’re doing something right. It’s all about money and power, and money’s a symbol of power. [ she chuckles ] Perhaps I should. My job affords me a chance to meet an interesting variety, but they’re all suing someone or being sued. Sometimes both. Not really best buddy material, and all my coworkers are jackasses. 

Money’s a cheap symbol of power. Anyone can have money. [ he rolls his eyes ] I feel like the being sued would be the more interesting--but maybe just because that’s where you’d find me.

“It’s an interesting strategy. And I guess if I do it, and she hates being a werewolf, then it’s my fault and not yours. Hm.” She nods. “That could work. As long as she listens to you and keeps bringing us stuff, really, it seems like a win.”

“I think you’d know by now, I don’t care about things being my fault. Thought the kid was pretty good evidence of that one,” he smirks. “Win either way. Why fuck up a good thing?”

That’d be good in the bad boyfriend bingo, though. It’s like the dream. [ she smiles ] Still nice to hear now and then. [ she chuckles ] Here’s to us, dude. We make a pretty rad team, the two of us. We should do this more. I mean not scare my parents, but like crazy adventures. 

I’m not good at the compliments part. Agnes told me to work on it. [ he shakes his head with another laugh ] Crazy Adventures is my middle name. You know where to find me too. There’s never a boring day.

“Avoiding them is a good thing, definitely.” She smirks. “Do you do a lot of running around in the wild?”

“More than most people. Practically live out there.” Fenrir answers. “Not as much in trees as you though, it seems like.”

“Wait, seriously?” She stares. “You’d let me turn her?”

“Yeah, if she’d be cool with it. Trying this whole choice thing, aren’t we?” At least with Tilden. It would go over better that way.