Fucking hurts to lose—and miss—a best friend.
I miss my Chris. He was my best man, one of the very few persons I trusted the most. In a surprise trust fall—walang isip isip, walang tanong tanong, I got his back and he got mine. My home base since 2007. The anchor that kept me still and stable. It's all fun with friends but with my best man, I feel secure.
Well, used to feel secure.
So maybe it was the reason why it hit me so hard when I was at the lowest point of my life, and we would be on the phone for hours, and still I would feel alone. I didn't feel heard. That—compounded with the literal oceans between us—made me think... malabo na ba ang linya sa ating dalawa?
Our emotional wavelengths were so disjointed I felt like we were two realities apart. And during a time when all I desperately needed was someone who would hear me out, I couldn't find it in him. My boat was swinging so wildly amid a thunderstorm but I couldn't find my anchor to keep me safe. And so after the storm, despite his efforts to reach out, I was just not emotionally available anymore. I felt betrayed. So I chose to cast myself away.
Was it worth it? I don't know. When is anything ever worth losing your person?
I wish he weren't someone I had to lose to get over a difficult time in my life. I wish I didn't have to miss him at 1:40 a.m. and ponder whether I should reach out to him or not.
Hello? Gising ka pa kaya?
Read this again after a few minutes of publishing it and damn, ang bigat. I could've written about what I miss the most about you instead, but I guess the bad outweighed the good. I'll just probably make another one, a better one, some other time.
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