Nobody's Empire

i hate shark slander. theyre literally just sitting in their own living room

I hate calling in sick I don't want to inform anyone about my abnormal bowel movements

I love it. I call them up and say hey bossman I'm camped out on the shitter today yeehaw

you are so beautiful in every way

We will get married on a windswept cliff and the dinner will be easily digestible

if i were the mobile game ad player i would match the puzzle tiles so well that they’d save the king. no i get it, you’re just bad at the game and i’m inherently better than you. i’d get that guy his gold. i’d save the king from drowning.

Breaking Bad

Never forget these two queens putting on the most showstopping tiktok of all time

I’d have to wait months or even years for another chance to reblog this, so why the fuck not?

TODAY

Hey you know that really disturbing thing where you yawn and your salivary gland shoots a concentrated spray of saliva out of one of its horrid nozzles like you’re a venom spitting snake for some godawful reason

this is the most distressing post ive ever read because not only have i never once seen or even heard of this but there are dozens of people in the notes reaffirming it with shit like “yeah i do that all the time” “i had a friend who could do this on command” what the real, genuine fucking fuck

Absolute cowards.