Me, Myself, and Mental Health.

My service dog in training has started alerting me to anxiety and panic.

This is why people bang their heads against walls. This is why people use drugs and over-drink. This is why people just get in their cars and leave, never to be heard from again.

Lately, I've had to remind myself over and over again that I no longer have to be quiet for you.

"I can't say that the relationship was 100% consensual. Sure, she was 18, but she didn't have anywhere else to go. She didn't have good education or credit or money. She didn't have a choice. She was trapped."

I promised myself I would never leave you the way she left me. A promise I broke.

It feels like I failed you. It feels like I failed all five of you.

I haven't felt this way in a long time, so disconnected from reality. It feels like I'm standing with my palm against a glass window, looking out at a world of chaos that's slowly closing in on me, closing in on the space I've claimed as safe.

I'm on autopilot. Doing what needs to be done for my dog and I while trying to throw in some creativity like piano, gaming, or writing. Surviving. Just merely surviving.

At this point, I'm so disconnected that I'm finding it more and more difficult to care if that glass breaks or not.

Somewhere between the middle of November and now, I seemed to have lost all concept of time. Maybe it's the new medication. Maybe it's the time of year.

Things that happened last week seems like a month ago. Things that happened a month ago seems like many.

It feels like ages since I've done anything worth doing. It feels like I haven't trained with my dog in weeks. It feels like I haven’t written anything in months.

I feel sort of cheated in a way.

I remember two years ago when my world fell apart. You were sick, you were sick and you didn't tell me until you were literally groaning in pain unable to move.

I remember screaming at you as I tried to finish work. You said you didn't want to stress me out.

I remember calling clinics and doing research on how much it would cost to get you seen. You never signed up for state insurance because it wasn't good enough for you.

I remember spending an entire day in the car while you saw doctors then sitting up alone while you slept in our bed. You didn't want me to sleep in bed with you because you felt awful.

I remember the agony I felt when I cried into her shoulder then came inside and ended things. You threatened to hurt yourself then quickly got it together when I said I could call a crisis agent to the apartment.

I remember sitting on the arm of the couch with my feet in the seat while you moved everything out the next day. You tried to be joking and cute but stopped immediately when I ignored you.

I remember when your things and every trace of you were removed from the apartment. You never came back, never called to check our since passed cat and dog that you swore you loved so much, never heard a word from you.