June 24, 2003.. I was 13 years old.
It started off as every normal day, it was the start of summer, school was over, and I was beginning my vacation from dance. Nothing out of the ordinary happened in the morning, I woke up, watched tv, ate breakfast, went swimming, all normal fun activities. I would never know that with in a couple hours I would get a phone call that would turn my entire world upside down. A phone call that haunts me to this day. A phone call I wish I was able to ignore.
The afternoon comes rolling around, I am sitting on the couch in the living room and the phone begins to ring, I see on the caller ID it is my grandfather from my dads side, I truly didnāt like this man, he always made me uneasy, so when I saw who it was I screamed for my brother to come and answer the phone, he came out and picked up the line, only to receive the worst news a child wants to hear. I watched my brother walk into his room, and the next thing I hear is him yelp as if he was in pain, then I saw him punch his closet door. I stared confused and dazed, my mother came running around the corner, looked at my brother crying on the floor, picked up the phone and asked what happened. Immediately her face dropped, it turned white and she stood in her tracks. I became more alarmed because I was still completely unaware of what was happening. Seconds later my mom screams on the phone..āhow dare you deliver this kind of news to a child, over the phone, itās their father, they deserve more respect.ā
I immediately thought my dad got in trouble again or was caught drinking because he was a suffering alcoholic, so I instantly started to feel disappointment. The thoughts of how did this happen again, why canāt he figure it out started to run through my mind. I was so tired of constantly being told my dad had another episode or he was in trouble. I just wanted everything to be normal for once, but sadly this wasnāt the case. And every day I wish that was the type of phone call we got, because at least then we would have hope in still fixing things..
My mother hangs up the phone and walks over to me, bends down in front of me and whispers the words āI donāt know how to say this, but daddy is goneā¦ā And with the end of that sentence I lost my breathe. She looked at me and said āNickyā with almost a questioning tone. All I could do was stare at her.
Everything started to come together, the phone call, the yelp, the punching of the door, my mothers reaction. Everything clicked. This wasnāt a joke, this was real. I just lost my father, and we were told by a stupid phone call. From this day on my outlook on life would be completely different. Everything that little girls dream of.. Father daughter dances, prom, graduation, getting married, having kids would forever be altered, because I lost half of what made me.
I remember sitting on that couch for the rest of the day, I didnāt move, I didnāt speak, I just stared across the room. Words could not be developed, I couldnāt swallow, I couldnāt move. I felt frozen. I felt my body slowly start to sink, and the light heart happy girl began to drift away. Everything that I ever wanted to fix, change, say to my dad all came to me, but now it was too late. I lost the opportunity to make our relationship better. I lost the chance to be the daughter I wanted to be because I thought I had time to fix it. But time doesnāt wait and death doesnāt either. I was left with a lousy Fatherās Day phone call I made to him earlier that week, that at the time felt more like a chore then a happy wish to him, and a late mailed out card that said āIāll see you sometime soonā. Which I later learned he never opened..
Itās been 12 years and I still have a weight of regret. I wish I could go back and change things, say I love you one more time, answer the phone, or agree to go over for dinner instead of blowing it off. But thatās not how life works. Life can take things away in a second.
I truly miss my dad, I didnāt know him the way a daughter should. I didnāt have the relationship I wanted. My relationship consisted of more Iāll talk to you soon, weāll figure it out later, Iāll see you next week instead, which sometimes turned into months. My relationship with my dad was filled with more fear because of the lack of knowledge I had about him. I learned over the years, I didnāt have anything to be afraid of, he had his problems, but he was truly a wonderful, smart man, that would have done anything for his children. I listen to the way people talk about him, the stories and memories they have, they all start with a smile, and end with the line āhe was a good man.ā I see the way my mom lights up when she tells me about her young love and romance with him. She still has this twinkle in her eye when she says "Your father was the big one, the big love of my life.ā These little things allow me to feel closer to the man I lost too soon.
I am so thankful for what I do know and the limited memories I have of him.. I thank God every day for giving me his light brown eyes. When I was younger I always envied girls with beautiful blue eyes, now when I look at them, I couldnāt imagine having anything else, for they are his, which he passed down to me. Iāve finally learned to appreciate my massive smile that sometimes is too big and you can probably see every tooth in my mouth. Oh and this cackle of a laugh, my goodness it can be heard from a mile away and can be annoying, but at times I swear I am able to hear his inside of mine, which makes me embrace it more. I know he is around me all of the time, every once in a while Iāll catch a scent of Marlboro Reds, or one his favorite Fleetwood Mac songs will come drifting across the radio, these are the times I stop and soak everything in, because I begin to remember how quickly it can all change. Everything can be turned upside down with a simple phone call.
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