Attention class. Today, as part of your survival training, we shall begin a six week crash course on understanding and interpreting Human actions and speech.
First, when meeting a Human, learn their name and identify who is their superior officer or employer. This is crucial for knowing who to contact when the Human does things not covered by the manual, the law, safety guidance, or common sense.
In addition, always ask the Human what they are doing, and tell them to explain it step by step as if you were a child. Even if, and especially if, you are an or even the expert on the subject matter, so that you can properly identify which parts of the process they have skipped or altered.
The phrase "It'll be awesome" or any variation of shall be treated as a critical threat to your and the surrounding area/planets safety. Contact all personnel and prepare an evacuation plan for when attempts to keep the Human in check fail.
If a Human says "I wouldn't do that if I were you." IMMEDIATELY CEASE ALL ACTIONS AND REEVALUATE YOUR LIFE CHOICES!
For when a Human makes statements to the effects of "This looks bad" "We're in trouble" "Not ideal" "I dunno know about that" "Oops" "Oh shit" "I fucked up" IMMEDIATELY ASSESS THE SITUATION AND TRY TO REVERSE WHATEVER HAPPENED!
Identify which type of Human you are dealing with. Some Humans keep quiet and try to resolve situations on their own. They can often be left alone once you have a detailed profile of their competence and track record when resolving problems. However, if such a Human ever asks for help or calls an emergency, assume the Universe is about to explode and do everything you can to assist.
The other type of Human will engage in conversation with you and everyone on a regular basis and will ask for assistance on almost every activity, even if it is not needed. These Humans have a high companionship need and their effectiveness in basic activities decreases rapidly if left alone. Remember to sacrifice your time and attention for them, for the consequences of them becoming what is known as 'depressed' can be catastrophic.
Never trust a Human who says they 'fixed' something. Triple check everything, including anything that is even remotely connected to the thing they 'fixed' or you may find they have broken physics again.
Always be concerned when a Human is too quiet. Approach them with confectionery treats (do not smuggle in chocolate, it is a controlled substance and highly toxic to 99% of all life in the Universe) and/or pizza, and attempt to acquire information about what is going on.
That is all for the preliminary lesson. Here is a list of several important Humans, your task is to follow their social medias, analyze interviews, and comb through their service history. Next time we will go over how Humans rephrase horrors beyond imagination into seemingly positive statements and the basic psychology of why it is often not a deliberate lie.
