The Secret Life

She legit keeps touching me to laugh and mock me for getting turned on. She thinks it's funny and I think it's embarrassing.

Not my fault she's really good at it...

Okay so let me just give a quick catch up since I haven't really been posting. Since the last reply R and I have camped out for Comic Con tickets, went to a Paradise Fears concert and walked on the Highline afterwards, hung out with one of her friends at the Highline again, suffered 3 days of me being in Canada, and now I'm suffering a week of her being on a road trip. And God do I miss her...

I want to remember what happened on each date so I'll just categorize them I guess and try to give a BRIEF description.

1. Comic Con Camp Out

This was legit hell. First we stayed at Midtown Comics from 6 in the damn morning till like 4 or so with two of her friends. We ended up not even getting anything because they ran out of the 3-day passes. So then we ended up going to Kinokuniya after going home to grab food and chairs and blankets and stuff. We ended up sleeping there the whole night, made friends with strangers, got sick from the subway fumes we were laying on, died of hypothermia, and suffered so much more. It was ridiculous. In the end they didn't even have enough 3-day passes either which infuriated me and we only ended up getting a lousy Saturday pass. SIGH.

2. Canada

So my parents decide to spontaneously plan a trip to Canada. At first I thought we'd be leaving on a Sunday and be back on Tuesday, August 12, 2014-Our one month anniversary. I would be back that night so we'd have enough time to go out for a movie date and watch Lucy. Then on Wednesday we were going to watch a movie that was going to play in the park on a projector and I've ALWAYS wanted to do that. Then on Thursday, the 14th, which is also my mother's birthday, we had the Paradise Fears concert. But no. My family had to fuck it up because my mom couldn't get out of work and we ended up leaving on TUESDAY. GREAT. That meant I wasn't even with her on our one month anniversary and then I came home too late and we missed the park movie. I felt like a total asshole because I always tell her we're going to do this and that and just let her down. She says she's used to it because of other people but I don't want to be one of them. I do honestly make the effort to plan things for us to do together but things just keep getting in the way somehow and it makes me feel all crummy..I didn't even get to enjoy the trip because of all that and because I was mad at my whole family too. Well except my dad…kinda..But I did bring her back a moose >.< it was so cute. I wanted it for myself. 

3. Paradise Fears Concert

Now this was definitely something that lifted my spirits. The tickets were only $15 for an amazing yet annoying night. It was amazing because I got to have the honor of taking R to her very first concert woot woot. The stage setup was beautiful and we were so close to the stage since it was a nice small, intimate venue and because the band isn't that widely known. It was annoying because for one of the opening bands, these idiots started a mosh pit and were so damn inconsiderate. No one else was joining in like seriously. Take a fucking chill pill. And then these other girls were fucking crying the lead singer's name and were all "OMG HE LOOKED AT ME AHHH" uhm no. Calm yoself.

Anyway, after the concert was really nice too because I got to walk the Highline for the first time and it was soooo pretty during the night time. We finally got to sit down and took pictures and it was nice to just be able to enjoy each other's presence while taking in such a view. After that, she introduced me to Artichoke pizza and OMG…I fell in love. That's one of the things I love about R. She always introduces me to new things and takes me out to places I would have never even bothered going to. It's so nice to have someone like that because there are so many things in this world that are worth seeing or trying out and experiencing. I'm usually not one to go out to the city but I really do appreciate her showing me around and whatnot.

4. Hang Out with Tim

This day was…interesting. Tim is one of R's close friends and he also stayed with us when we camped out for NYCC tickets. The two of them decide they're going to hang out one day and he says she can bring anyone. So she tells him she's bringing her boyfriend aka me. Oh!! I forgot to mention she gave me a haircut which is why she calls me her Korean boyfriend now haha. But damn her first reactions to it was so cute. She legit couldn't look me in the eye without squealing/smiling. At least now I know she has a kink for short hair and cross dressers.

Anyway, so he got all interested and was like "When did you get a boyfriend?" So we tricked him and stuff and then when he saw it was me he was just like OMFG… He was really nice about it though. He was so supportive of R being in a relationship and even planned out conversations and such. It's nice to know that he's there for her and actually gives a damn unlike others. But of course we didn't tell him that we're actually dating. 

The three of us walked a whole fucking lot. First, it took us forever to get to the Artichoke pizza place so before that we went to Guitar Center and fooled around and stuff. R took pics of me and Tim acting like a gay couple holding hands and shit since I looked like a dude xD. What was really cute was that she told me it was funny but couldn't help but be jealous. I love it when she gets possessive. But yeah I told her I was jealous too because well one her and Tim are really close and she was holding his hand too but only to cover up so that we can hold hands.

After pizza we walked the whole Highline and had some damn good popsicles. Granted they were expensive but they were so worth it. We then walked all the way to Kinokuniya and R suddenly got sick and was distant from us. We thought she got pissed off at something because she just ran out of the store and across the street to Bryant Park. Tim and I were just like what did we do wrong? And we were trying to figure it out together but then I was like "If anything, I'll just talk to her when we go home." Because she's the type who doesn't say what's bothering her until afterwards. But then Tim said that he was going to tell her what was up with him and see if it makes her feel better and I asked what it was and he said he's been seeing a bunch of doctors and stuff, which she still doesn't know since he didn't tell her. In the end though, she really was just sick because she ate expired animal crackers. And she's still sick now :(

Once things were cleared up, we walked all the way to Central Park and had a little sing off and sky admiration. We took a stroll around the park and then eventually Tim left because he had to go do his Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS. So R and I walked all the way to Times Square to go to the M&M Factory and Toys R Us. We ended up reaching home at midnight and damn were my legs and feet sore. Ouch.

5. Roadtrip

Now my baby is on a road trip with family members she hates and she's sick. I feel so bad and I don't even know what to do to help her. Yeah texting and calling and snapchatting are obvious but that doesn't change the fact that she's there with them and bored out of her mind. I couldn't sleep because I missed her so much and pitied her. I ended up sleeping at like 5:30 in the morning and right now it's legit 2:37 and I wish she was next to me. 

What's pretty funny is that literally the day after we kissed, I got sick. Haha. But it wasn't because of R. It was because I fell asleep in the truck with my mouth open and the windows were open and cold air was breezing down my throat. So I took a nap at home and the next thing I knew, R was waking me up and kissed my neck. But frack I was burning hot and so dead and sick and gross. Bleh.

Anyway, I went over her house because she said her mom makes a banging ginger tea that would help me. Hah. She ended up making me tea, a herbal syrup, and made me drink Alka Seltzer. Blehhhh. Cherry flavored fizz..It did help though.

So while her parents were in their room, we were in the living room and her couch is basically a bed with another mattress that can roll out from underneath. As she walked towards me I wrapped my arms around her neck and she laughed at me saying she doesn't want to get sick. It was pretty darn hard to resist though. Ack.

That night we ended up making out about three….four times? Haha. I don't remember how many times it was exactly but in the end this happened.

Finally had that first kiss. Whoo! Again all the bad stuff came out before anything good. So we were at the park at night and I was on one of the swings. She got off of hers to stand in front of me and held the chains, lightly swinging me back and forth.

She was telling me how she feels like I don't care about our relationship because I never really text her while I'm out and I usually cancel our plans because I get dragged out to do other things. But I really do care. I did want to text her all the time and stuff but I just didn't know what to send without sounding so needy and clingy and desperate.

The thing I was upset about was that it sounded like she didn't want to go on this trip with me that's coming up soon. After being busy with the wedding and everything, I just wanted to spend time with her and to feel like she wasn't up for it bummed me out. So we were both pretty much on the same page feeling like utter shit.

In the end we talked it out though and I told her if she still didn't believe I really did care about her I could prove it. My proof was this blog. Even though it's a personal diary, I didn't want her to think I was half assing this relationship because I'm not. So yeah, she knows the url and can read my shit whenever the hell she feels like it xD. As embarrassing as it is to have her read what goes on in my head sometimes, I just hope it reassured her. 

But back to the main thing. She was swinging me back and forth lightly and then I almost fell off because she pushed me when I wasn't holding onto the chain. We started laughing and she was like "Aw man that would've been really cute if you fell and I kissed you." But unfortunately there were too many people around so we couldn't do it yet.

We went to 7/11 to buy some food and then walked back home because I forgot my money…heh…and then BACK to 7/11 then back to the park.

We started doing the same thing where i was sitting on the swing and she was in front pushing me. Then we just looked at each other and she friggen trolled me...

Like we were staring at each other so we both leaned in and then she pushed the swing back -_- haha. What an ass. But nah she pulled me back in and we kissed.

So at the wedding it was the first time I really put myself out there and danced the night away. Usually I don't like to dance with everyone staring at me. All my family and my parents' coworkers and neighbors who I see all the time have never really seen me like that before. Since I was so stressed out and frustrated from the wedding preparations, I decided I wasn't going to give any fucks and was going to let myself go.

Today, R tells me I should be more like that. She said that I usually look bored and I'm like that's just my face. LOL. I asked her if she was trying to say that I'm boring but she said no and that she's just never seen me that hyper and all over the place before.

So for the past three weeks or so I have not been able to see or really talk or hang out with R because I've been so busy helping my sister prepare for her wedding. Aside from going to Starbucks one day and the Asian store I talked about, it's been forever since I've been with her. We got to dance at the wedding though which was fun, but I just wish I didn't have to run back and forth and leave her behind all the time.

Today though, she was able to come over for my family barbecue and we got to hold hands and I got to sit on her lap and things were looking pretty good. However, she told me she had something to ask me later and god…i knew it wasn't going to be something pleasant. So we ended up going to Starbucks first and then were on our way to eat at Wendy's. To our surprise, there was a street fair in town so we decided to spontaneously go. I ended up buying a shirt and the fair was pretty short and was closing so we didn't really stay for long.

So, at Wendy's we ate and whatnot and then the avoided conversation finally came through. She said she had trouble sleeping last night and it wasn't only because of her stomach problem she's been having but also because of her thoughts. So i asked her what it was about and she said "I was thinking about taking back what I said…about asking you out…" When I heard that, I didn't know how to respond or how to react. I had a feeling this might happen because I mean..she's never been in a relationship before and to be in a same sex relationship too, there was bound to be doubts. I just didn't think it'd happen so soon in our relationship. I mean, I haven't seen you in forever and I missed you and this is what you tell me when we get to meet again? 

I ended up just giving a small laugh and asked why. As she spoke, my smile just kept fading and fell to the biggest frown I've ever had. I barely was able to listen to what she was saying because it was like I had just been shot. I even felt myself tearing up but I held them back. 

She said she was probably thinking about it because of the wedding and said that I look better with a guy since I was partnered with two of the groomsmen and I was dancing and whatnot. But honestly, stop doubting yourself. They don't mean anything to me unlike you. 

While we were walking home I was obviously down in the dumps and was answering her with a less happy tone so she poked my cheek and was complaining that I was so glum. I told her I was just tired, which wasn't a lie, but I honestly didn't feel like talking. So we kept walking and she held my hand and I didn't really grip back so she said, "Stop it. Now you're making me feel bad for bringing it up." 

I was already in a bad mood so I ended up answering her kinda sassy and was like "I told you I'm not forcing you into this relationship if you don't want to."

"It's not about that," she said.

"Do you want to? Do you not want to?"

"I want to."

"I don't know. It's up to you."

"Woah. Okay. Don't turn this into something it's not."

I was just really upset to think there was even a thought about her deciding to not be with me anymore. It was just so unrealistic to me. That'd mean it was over between us and we haven't even gone on our first date yet or had our first kiss. 

Anyway, we went to my house and hung out in my room. Things eventually lightened up. What was really funny was when she kissed me on the cheek and then an hour or so later, she kissed it again and then i said "You kissed my cheek, but you haven't kissed the other one yet." and she's like "…I kissed you? When?" And we both just start dying of laughter and I'm covering my face with my hands saying "Oh my gosh…Oh..my gosh really?" And she's just going "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I am so sorry! I like the right one better! I'm so sorry I'm having short term memory loss!" 

That morning and even last night I pondered on whether or not we'd become one of those really updated kind of couples. I didn't know if I should send her a good morning text or not, but I wanted to make any excuse to talk to her. I thought that sending just the words "Good morning" would look i don't know…desperate? I don't think that's the right word since she already asked me out…but do you get the idea?

Anyway, I ended up texting her "Mornin'. My phone is actually alive. Took two days for it to fully charge." Which was true. My phone is always dead because the batter sucks and my charger is broken… But since we're now in a relationship, I deal with the frustration of having to mangle with the retarded cord and having to plug it into my laptop rather than the outlet and having to twist it around in order for it to actually work.

I mean, as friends it was alright to spend days, even weeks without talking to her because as much as I did care about her and know how much she hates being alone, I had a lot of things to do myself. My sister's getting married and I'm dealing with a lot of other family issues so I'm not exactly a free spirit. But, I want to make the effort to see her and talk to her everyday. Even if it's something as little as a hello.

That day we actually went out to a small shop in our neighborhood that sells a bunch of Asian snacks and whatnot. On our walk there I wanted so badly to hold her hand, greet her with a kiss on the cheek, hug her arm... but of course we couldn't do any of that since we were in public. That's what sucks about this kind of secret relationship. You can't be open about anything and be intimate in the slightest kind of way.

To my surprise, after we said our goodbyes and I waltzed into my room, she came in and said she'd be staying for a while since her mom was cleaning the apartment. What even surprised me even more was when I walked her out, and she left for good for the night, we hugged and she turned her head to kiss me on the cheek. Though we were hugging over the fence since she walked out already and she kind of ended up missing and kissed my jawline instead. I didn't mind though nor did I say anything because I mean hey, it was pretty darn cute. Especially since she's the short one and the one who's topping.

It started with a confrontation. Something had been bothering her for quite a while and I didn't know what it was. I had my assumptions, but they can never be 100% reliable.

Honestly, us going out that day was an abrupt and spontaneous deed of mine. She told me something that worried me to the bone. But of course that is between us so I'm not going to splurge it here on the internet. 

We talked about it through instant message and so she told me that I had the right to slap her. So I told her, "Fine. Let's go right now. I'll meet you outside." Of course that was never my intention. What I initially planned to do was give her a hug to know that I'm there for her. That I'm not mad at her so long as she doesn't do it again. I don't mean to baby her either, that's what her parents are for, but I was just scared that she was doing this to distract her from her problems.

When we met up she told me to hit her and I told her that she knew I wasn't going to do that. The next thing she said that she was going out to Rite Aid and I said I'd go with her not only because it was late but also because it regarded the situation we conversed about online. Furthermore, I was tired of feeling this glumness or irritated vibe I was getting from her. Whatever was bothering her needed to be talked about that night.

In the end we talked about things over frozen yogurt and I hoped I had gotten through to her. She feared separation and that our personality differences would get in the way of our friendship. I reassured her to the best of my capabilities and usually I'm not the type to speak my mind.

Eventually things got less tense as time ticked by and we ended up leaving the frozen yogurt spot at around 11:35. On our way out, I asked, "You know what you haven't done in a really long time?" with a smile on my face. She looked at me with a raised brow and asked, "What?" about three times before I finally answered. "Give me a piggyback ride."

Instead of going our usual route up the hill, we went through this darker and more isolated block which is where she carried me on her back. And just to let you know, she's shorter than me so it was really cute. A man in his car started driving really slow to watch us which was really awkward, but I didn't mind because I was having too much fun laughing. Then an ambulance cruised by and stared at us too. They probably thought I broke my leg or something, but we were laughing so maybe they just thought we were stupid kids. I kept sliding off and she had to hoist me back up into position. She wasn't even able to reach the end of the block before having to set me down. 

As we finally reached the hill by our houses, she started to talk to herself. "Should I ask you what I need to ask you..?…Nah. I gotta wait until I'm able to carry you to the end of the block."

"Why do you need to ask me while carrying me?" I laughed.

She gave off a shrug and said, "I don't know. It's more romantic?"

I honestly had no clue what she was talking about and just gave off a small chuckle and kept walking.

"Should I ask you?" she repeated.

"I don't know.." I responded, completely not knowing what she was going to ask.

As we crossed the street onto our block, she gave me a look. "What?" I asked with a confused expression on my face. "You're really slow you know that?" 

"What?" I asked again as I laughed and continued to walk.

"I was gonna ask you out."

As soon as I heard that, I stopped in my tracks and looked back at her with a huge grin on my face and yelled, "Wait, what?!" She started laughing at me and I kept walking to hide my embarrassment and even laughed at myself. My dad ended up yelling at me for being too loud since he was out in the backyard.

When I reached the gate, she said goodbye to me and I silently followed behind her as she walked to her house. "What?" She asked as we stood in front of her door. I wanted to at least give her a goodbye kiss on the cheek, but my timidness got the better of me. "What?" she repeated. Thinking quickly, I smiled at her and said, "I never gave you an answer." 

"You don't have to right now."

"It's not like you don't already know what it is."

"No, I don't," she said with a sly smirk playing on her lips.

"What? Gonna make me say it out loud?" I laughed. She simply nodded and I shyly looked to the ground before looking back at her.

"Yes." With that, we finally parted ways and I had a smile on my face that would just not go away as cliche and corny as that sounds. It was the first time in forever I had ever smiled for that long. My cheeks even started to hurt. I couldn't even stop thinking about it when I tried to go to bed that night. Hugging my pillow, I wished that I could've slept over her place, but with everything that was going on in my own household and my jammed schedule, I wouldn't be able to.

Hello to all you people out there. I know it seems kinda cliche and makes me look like a dorky lovesick girl to write a blog like this, but honestly, I've been waiting for this day to come for close to five years. Being bisexual isn't exactly welcomed in my family nor my peers, so if I'm unable to express my happiness or faun over everything that's going on with my friends or my sister, might as well be here right?