There’s a quiet test some of us give the people we love.
It’s the test of silence. The test of hoping they’ll push past our “no.” The test of waiting to see if they’ll fight hard enough to prove we matter. We want things like them chasing us down to try and talk us out of certain decisions, insisting on being there for us when we pull away, or even just guessing what we need based on our mood changes (and noticing the slightest change in our mood).
It makes sense why we do it. For those of us with BPD or fear of abandonment in general, being chased can feel like safety. If someone insists on helping, or pushes their way into our walls, it can feel like proof they care. Like proof we’re worth the effort.
However, love built on tests like this isn’t sustainable
These tests aren’t random. They come from real pain, real wiring, real fear.
But even when the reasons make sense, the impact still matters.
It isn’t fair to them or you.
When you expect someone to “prove” they care without telling them how, you’re asking them to read your mind. You’re putting them in a no-win situation:
•If they chase, they feel pressured and resentful.
•If they don’t chase, you feel abandoned.
And worse? It slowly erodes trust. Your loved ones start to feel like they’re walking into traps, where anything they do might secretly mean they failed. That isn’t fair to them.
It isn’t fair to you, either. Because what you actually want (care, reassurance, connection) gets buried under a guessing game that leaves everyone more distant than before.
It’s okay to want people to notice. To long for them to care enough to step in. That want is human. It matters.
But love isn’t proven by how well people pass hidden tests. Real love is built on honesty, trust, and letting people choose to show up.
When you rely on silent demands, what you end up testing isn’t their love. It’s their ability to withstand pressure. That’s not the same thing.
Instead of testing, try asking. Vulnerably. Directly. Yes, it feels terrifying. Yes, it feels like begging sometimes. But it’s not. Asking is clarity, not shame.
“I don’t want advice. I just need you to sit with me.”
“Can you remind me that you still care about me right now?”
“I’m afraid I’ll spiral if I’m alone. Can you text me later tonight?”
These aren’t demands. They’re invitations. They give your loved ones the chance to show up without being set up to fail. And your loved ones deserve a real chance to show up for you.
Your needs matter. Their needs matter. Hidden tests create fear, anxiety and frustration (for both of you). Clear asks create connection.
You are not “too much” for needing reassurance. You’re human. And the more you practice asking directly, the more space you create for love that doesn’t depend on someone proving themselves against impossible odds.