NEST Leeds

For us, this year should have been one of the best years of our lives – a year that we were prepared to welcome our second son. Naturally, pregnancy brings with it many anxieties and worries – will it be a natural birth? Does everything look healthy on the scan? What if the waters break early? What if the waters don’t break at all!? Ultimately, being pregnant in and amongst a global pandemic (unknown territory for anyone) meant that our worries and concerns were heightened. 2020 should have been a year surrounded by loved ones for us to celebrate his arrival in May. Instead, it became a time where we were obliged to stay indoors in order to keep us all safe, one where we had multiple concerns and questions.

We became anxious; would partners be allowed in for the birth? How long would he be allowed to stay for? Who would look after our first child now that we were all in lockdown? The logistics of giving birth remained unanswered until the last minute – something that caused a fair amount of stress and anxiety. Luckily for us, everything worked out perfectly. Somehow the midwives, nurses, doctors, consultants, obstetricians made the whole birthing experience seem “normal” and we cannot fault them or thank them enough. The NHS really is truly amazing and totally invaluable.

The weirdest ,and arguably the hardest part, was yet to come. When you have a newborn, everyone is desperate to come and visit and share their excitement. Obviously, this was something that was never going to be possible. These people would also usually be our support network, our respite, our helping hand if we needed it. We had a handful of “doorstep visitors” but no one could come in, no one could hold him. We became increasingly aware of how difficult this was…especially for grandparents! FaceTime conversations, pictures and videos became the way to share our news, introduce him to the family and update them on milestones. It was wonderful to have the technology to do this but it wasn’t the same as handing him over for those warm, comforting cuddles.  

Although being unable to see family and friends was challenging for us, lockdown had its positives (hard to believe we know)! Not only did it allow a quick recovery from the second c-section, it also enabled us to bond as a family of four without distractions, without being overwhelmed by visitors and allowed us to appreciate the little things we could have otherwise taken for granted. We had always been concerned about how our eldest would adapt to having a new brother and no longer being the centre of attention with friends and relatives. Due to that, he undoubtedly didn’t feel pushed aside and was able to take his role as big brother seriously as he “helped” us with bath time and feeds and enjoyed snuggles with his little brother who he’d waited so patiently for.

Fortunately for us, even without being able to see people face to face, we still had fantastic family and friends who ensured that we were coping well and adapting to our life as a family of four. Regular FaceTime and Whatsapp group conversations kept our spirits high and gave us something to look forward to when we’d had long, sleepless nights (with the added bonus of no one seeing the carpet of toys, endless piles of washing and us chilling in our PJ bottoms). People would bake exceptionally scrummy cakes or offer to pick up shopping or pop into the back garden (when allowed) for a quick catch up and to view our little bundle from a distance.

Our “newborn” is now 7 months old. He has only been held by a select few people – most of those being medical professionals. This makes our hearts ache. People haven’t bonded with him – will they love him any less? He’s missed out on interacting with other babies his age – will this have a detrimental effect on his social development? We’ve missed out on taking him on holiday or on family outings we did with our first – will we look back and think we’ve treated our children differently? We understand that these thoughts will probably go through every parent’s head but feel that these worries have been amplified by the current situation we all find ourselves in.

When reflecting on our experience, we realise how luckily we are to have the constant support from friends and family whilst also acknowledging that this might not be the case for all families who have had a baby (or pregnancy) whilst in lockdown. Our advice would be focus on the positives, talk to your midwife or health visitor (they’re amazing and trained professionals) and to embrace every challenge with a smile as the chances are most parents have been through a similar situation!

Nick & Lucy x

Leeds Mum, Farzana, talks to us about her experience of postnatal depression...

Tell us a bit about yourself

I am Farzana Khatun, a twenty eight year old British Bangladeshi woman. At the young age of twenty one, I became a wife. Despite all the joys that come with marriage, moving away from my family to a different city affected my mental health. The stark contrast in family life from a busy household to an empty one brought many negative emotions such as loneliness. I was no longer alone when I got pregnant in 2015 but as is the case with many other mothers, I was diagnosed with both postnatal and postpartum depression. Mental health is very much not recognised in the Asian community as it’s a taboo topic. Many even go as far as to be in denial as they excuse it as physical illness. It is discussed as a weakness and therefore Asian children fear for the reaction if they express their feelings. Especially amongst men, the ‘breadwinners’ of the family lock up their emotions as they believe this weakness may affect their masculinity and status in the family. Mental health is a stigma that is gossiped and laughed about within families as everybody denies the feelings of anxiety and depression they feel towards events.

What were your initial thoughts of the country going into lockdown?

For every woman, bringing a life into this world is a daunting concept. These natural nerves and fears are doubled when you are to give birth during such a vulnerable time with doctors who are overwhelmed and the possible risk of illness. My second experience with labour was the most traumatising. Only when I was in active labour was my husband given permission to stay during labour, leaving me to be completely alone with my thoughts at the beginning. Things took a turn when my baby’s heartbeat slowed down and I was sent to have an emergency c-section. All the chaos in the delivery room was so different from my first time with childbirth as it lacked the confidence and assurance my family gave me. Just the knowledge of having a family to go home to comfort me and the baby, helping me with mysterious rashes and first baths were all things I longed for. My new family of four was difficult to handle at the beginning as having to recover from the c-section and taking care of a newborn overwhelmed me.

How have you spent your time during a lockdown?

Having a baby during lockdown was a completely abnormal experience. The atmosphere at the hospital was very unwelcoming as everyone was unsure of how to deal with this new pandemic. The midwives seemed absent and I could sense the silent hesitance as I was forced to be completely independent despite struggling to move. The whole situation was out of my control as many of my requests were unanswered. One request included a female doctor but due to the pressure that the NHS was under this could not happen. Having a female doctor was an essential factor for me because throughout my whole life I have been familiarised most with women through my traditional parents and this unfamiliarity made my labour an awkward process. My baby’s first Eid was celebrated at home, with her dad at work and only the three of us at home. A time that is normally a very joyous and busy time was quiet and regular. On the other hand, this experience allowed me to grow and understand myself better as a mother. I underestimated my ability to be independent with my children to attend to their every need and the bright side of this situation is that I grew even closer to my children.

What support networks have you built up during the lockdown?

A support network that I discovered during lockdown was the Perinatal Mental Health Service, a network I am very grateful for. During the lockdown, help is difficult to find as everyone is going through their own problems with the significant number of deaths occurring every day. The Perinatal Mental Health Service is a service which allows mothers to share their worries with other people who are in the same situation. It gave me an opportunity to cope with all of the overwhelming problems which were heightened by the fact that my family were unable to visit. I kept in contact with my family through frequent FaceTime calls however they were simply an imitation of the real thing and they were unable to experience the newborn baby feelings with me. The only adult connection I had was with my husband and something that was particularly hard was feeling completely useless as my husband worked, cooked, cleaned and cared for the children.

Have you still felt well connected to the Muslim community during the lockdown?

During the lockdown, I was able to witness the strength of the Muslim community. Due to the fact that Eid was celebrated alone and Friday prayers were not taken place the Muslim community was more attentive to other families. The advice was shared around and everybody comforted each other on the unusualness of this year’s celebration. On many different platforms, the Muslim community expressed their availability to help as during lockdown especially people questioned the purpose of life as they came to a realisation that the next day is not guaranteed with many losing multiple relatives weekly. Eid is the celebration of the end of a month of fasting and this month was also very different due to Covid-19. Ramadan is normally the month that Muslims are the closest as they break their fast together and sympathise with the needy. It was particularly hard this year for many Muslims as without the constant activities, we were more aware of our hunger and it was especially hard since, for example, my mother had to break her fast alone for the first time in her life. It affected us all in little ways.

Are you aware of how Covid-19 is disproportionately affecting  Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic (BAME) communities and how does this make you feel?

Covid-19 is affecting BAME communities to a much higher extent and I personally know of many relatives who have been affected by it. There is nothing that can be done of that fact, but if this is acknowledged by the NHS why are BAME communities not being prioritised since we are evidently more at risk? This is very frustrating as despite the progress we have made towards discrimination, there is so much still to be done.

What are your hopes for the future?

Farzana answers questions about the about the Diverse Mum's Group in the Leeds Perinatal Service

What attracted you to this specific group?

The ‘Diverse Mum’s Group’ was amazing because I was able to share my worries with other mothers and it allowed me to cope with all of the overwhelming problems I was facing during this lockdown. This included life after giving birth, there were also other mothers who I could relate to on a cultural level. Something I appreciated with this group was the ability to talk about my religion openly.

What did you like about this group?

I loved how I made new friends who understood me and made me feel comfortable. These friends were people I could just be myself in front of, talk about anything I wanted to talk about and not feel judged by them. I felt welcomed and loved especially since they were really easy to talk to. I am grateful for them because I know that it takes courage to talk through problems. There are so many people out there who are going through what I am going through but are not able to speak to anyone because they feel as if nobody understands. This is mainly because it is a taboo topic in our culture.

How did the group make you feel?

I felt like we were all a little family and that my worries were heard and cared about. The sense of loneliness was gone. They helped me build up my confidence with their positivity.

How did it meet your cultural needs?

In the group, we spoke about everything we go through in our lives as we come from a different background such as how people mix culture with religion which leads to people disliking us for no reason. They question our religion even though it’s got nothing to do with it! Our family don’t take mental health seriously. They either think its an illness, you’re overreacting, being dramatic or that you have a jinx in you. They don’t understand that we are not going crazy, it is something we are feeling. It was nice knowing that I am not the only one that’s experienced these things, they have also experienced it.

What’s different about this group, compared to other groups you have attended in the past?

The difference is that in this group we are all so alike, we can joke about, have laughed and no one will judge. There was no formality which I liked about this group.

Why do you feel it is important to have this group for other mums from different ethnic backgrounds?

It is important to have this group just for support and to keep us going, as we get to see others who are same as us, a safe place to talk openly.

What do you like about the friendship WhatsApp group which we created and why is this important to you?

Often, once you relieve your problems to someone the moment is forgotten about later on, with no further signs of improving the problem. With the WhatsApp group, I can feel secure about being open about my problems instead of feeling any regret.

What are the benefits you have achieved from this group?

In 2011 a group of new dads looking for ways to spend more time with their babies set up their own playgroup in a café in Leeds City Centre. Now they’re opening their doors for hundreds of other dads in the city.

‘Child Friendly Leeds Award Winning’ Leeds Dads is a voluntary charitable organisation that is supported by LCCT (Charity No. 1096860).

They bring together a diverse community of fathers for social interaction and support and host regular free playgroups and breakfast clubs for around 30 dads and their kids, organise social events, host an active presence on social media for dads to share their experiences and signpost towards expert parenting support. Leeds Dads is unique in their key aim of supporting fathers to actively engage with their children, and build lasting relationships. Their vision is to expand their output to build a Dad-Friendly Leeds - a city-wide culture of dads engaging with their pre-school kids.

Here is an example of what they do......

Pre Covid Activities

Leeds Dads Meet Up is a playgroup for dads and their pre-school kids. We met every third Sunday of the month from 2-4pm at The Holbeck Club. Around 30 dads and grandads meet with their children to enjoy arts craft, games, a singalong and storytime. It’s the home of Slung Low theatre group, who play an active role in promoting our message to dads in south Leeds. Leeds Dads Breakfast Club ran in partnership with Aireborough Children’s Centre in Guiseley. It was launched following a series of suicides of local dads with young children. Taking place on the first Saturday of each month, our Breakfast Club provided a space for dads and preschool kids to enjoy cooking breakfast, arts and crafts, or just jump around!

Leeds Dads had a fantastic reaction in Guiseley, bringing in 16 dads/session within just four sessions. The dads said the group helped combat stress and build a sense of peer support.

Adapting Under Covid

Coronavirus has stopped all face-face activities. So they have reinvented their services to cater for dads in this new environment: Leeds Dads #AskADad Facebook Live on facebook.com/leedsdads Tuesday nights offer parents an opportunity to talk to experts during a Facebook Live about issues affecting them during the current coronavirus situation. It includes topics such as:

Accessing health and care support Employment law, regulations around furlough, Benefits information, supporting children’s behaviour Going back to school Living with a disruptive or abusive partner Supporting both parents and childrens’ mental health

Leeds Dads and Kids Walks

Leeds Dads launched Pram Friendly Walks to help support dads mental health and maintain their connections with the group. They are within government guidelines and maintain social distancing. Up to 30 dads struggling with isolation meet other dads to share their feelings whilst gaining some well-needed exercise.

Leeds Dads Virtual Playhouse Playtime for dads and kids, Sun 2pm with Daddy Alex and his daughter Imogen! It includes a dance session, Baby Raves,  and singalongs. They also check out dads #Dadventure videos – kids’ adventures with dads in dinosaur suits, on obstacle courses, having water pistol fights, and whatever family fun they can create.

Free Food Parcel Service Leeds Dads distributed a thousand parcels of free fresh food through a confidential service every week to families in need across the city.

During lockdown from March to June 2020 over 21,000 meals were distributed by volunteers within Leeds Dads. In April 2020 this service helped The Real Junk Food Project to distribute 400 tons of redistributed food in one month.

Dadstastic Day Online Leeds Dads hosted the biggest online Fathers Day celebration in England! They ran free activities offering dozens of sessions that create opportunities for dads to interact with their families and kids up to primary age, and introduce them to: music, dance, science, storytelling, and arts and crafts with over 500 activity packs delivered free to families in Leeds, so they could join in with the online fun at their own homes.

Social Media 

By expanding their 100-strong ‘WhatsApp’ group and Facebook reach of 70,000 users/month, they are able to support families and dads experiencing hardships, especially during the current crisis.

Personal Stories

In August they lost one of our volunteers who took his life. Leeds Dads launched a fund to support his family, and signposted our dads to bereavement support and support for those at risk of suicide.

Mental Health Support via Signposting to Wellbeing and offering Peer Support:

“My wife imagined maternity to be 1:1 time with baby and taking weekly classes. Instead she’s taking care of two children as I’m working full time other than for paternity.”

“I’ve had a complete loss of work/life balance. A lack of productivity, a lack of routine. No exercise.”

“The kids are becoming more irrational, badly behaved, unhappy.. throwing things.. bouts of anger.. serious fights with siblings.” “All the money that was saved from not travelling to work, lunch breaks and travelling back has gone into the increased food shopping bill. I am really struggling to get the kids educated.. they seem disillusioned, not communicating.”

In a recent survey:

78% of Leeds Dads said they come to Leeds Dads to spend quality time with their children.

“It helped me feel confident to spend time with my son on my own”.

*Matt and Mark (NOT REAL NAMES) - both suffered from depression, Matt also from PTSD. He hadn’t been out with friends for years. Matt now helps organise Leeds Dads Nights Out. Mark manages part of our Dadstastic Day event.

*John and James (NOT REAL NAMES) had problems with alcohol and depression. We signposted both to support, and stayed engaged.

John now manages his alcoholism and is working. James’ IAPT course helps him to combat his depression.

*Aaron (NOT REAL NAME) lost his first child at birth. Leeds Dads helped him to combat anxiety, bond with his new baby, and build a lasting relationship.

*Leo (NOT REAL NAME) was unsure of how to raise his new baby because of his disabilities. Our support has helped build his confidence to be active in his child’s life.          

Leeds Dads - Community Group of the Year, Compassionate City Awards 2018 Adult Making a Difference, Child Friendly Leeds Awards 2018

www.leedsdads.org

www.twitter.com/leedsdads

I am a Muslim Pakistani mother of 2. I am originally from Birmingham and got married and moved here 6 years ago.

I had my first daughter in 2017 and suffered from postnatal psychosis. I did not know what postnatal psychosis was. I thought I was going crazy. I remember the feeling as if it was yesterday, holding my daughter in my arms that I had prayed for and wanted so bad. I felt no attachment, no emotion, I just felt anxious, stressed and alone. I had all my family around yet I felt alone and could not express how I was feeling and was very scared.

This time round I gave birth to my 2nd daughter during the lockdown. I thought it would be good this time around as I would not have to be this perfect mother in front of family and relatives and just be me and bond with my baby. Although I did enjoy the quality time spent with my daughter the first few weeks, I did miss the adult conversations and having family and friends around to celebrate our bundle of joy.

I remember telling my mum what postnatal psychosis was and at first she did not understand. As I explained more she finally understood. I think it is a big taboo topic – mental health in our culture. However it is very important and should be talked about more.

At first I was ok thinking it would not be locked down for too long, however when days and weeks and months passed in lockdown my anxiety and low mood came crawling back.

I remember being very anxious about staying home with two little ones while my husband went to work. I was questioning everything. Will I be able to look after both girls alone? Am I going to manage? I am very lucky to have an amazing husband who has stood by me and is helping me get through this.

Lockdown has been very difficult especially having a newborn and feeling isolated. Also we have missed out on Eid celebrations as we were not allowed family gatherings which was very difficult.  I’ve not felt close to my community as we only celebrated Eid with people we love and the mosques were closed. It has been very difficult and the Eid celebration is something that all Muslims look forward to and start preparing for weeks in advance.

During this difficult time the Perinatal Mental Health Service has been brilliant. They have been a phone call away. It is an excellent service and has helped me throughout my pregnancy as well as being there for my postnatal recovery. I would highly recommend this service to other mums who may be struggling.  I look forward to doing things that I took for granted for example stay and play groups and meeting other mums, seeing family and friends.

Deb, Delivery Suite Midwife, Leeds Working as a (pregnant) midwife during Covid: 

Deb is a Delivery Suite Midwife and has noted some of her anxieties, concerns and issues when working both clinically and non-clinically during the Covid-19 pandemic. We thought we’d share these with you...

Pregnant throughout the whole pandemic so working differently both clinically for the first few months then non-clinically for the last couple of months. 

Personal anxiety when initially pregnant surrounding whether to work non- clinical - lots of research and discussion with management to try and decide the best option for me and my baby. 

Anxiety around going into different rooms for meal break relief, perform checks double checks on baby’s heart tracing or manage emergencies. Although the decision was made for me to care for women who were covid negative this is not always practical when working as part of a busy Delivery Suite team, especially when it is particularly busy. I could not isolate myself in one room never to be moved. My team were very supportive and were aware of my concerns which helped a lot, but my anxieties were always there, questioning was i doing the right thing??

Wearing PPE was challenging for all staff as very warm and obstructive when trying to be active i.e. pool births or active labourers but even more so when pregnant as hotter and almost quite claustrophic - especially in the first trimester with feeling nauseous made worse.

I was very aware of my verbal and non-verbal communication, ensuring I was reassuring women a lot more as seems impersonal when they can’t see a reassuring smile behind the mask especially when they’re often going through anxious times themselves (just being in labour is nerve racking for some women let alone women who have come in for induction due to their baby having an abnormality and no partner present to support them). 

Keeping refreshed with the ever changing Covid guidance was confusing at times - had to ensure daily LTHT emails were read and lots of discussion with staff on shifts to ensure we were up to date and could advise women appropriately. 

Enjoyed the easing of parking restrictions by LTHT for a few months - less stress trying to find a space far away from the hospital and having to walk before and after a shift - parking outside was much more pleasant during the stressful times. 

Learning a new way of working from home has been challenging - being disciplined and forming a routine for myself to enable the work to be completed plus still going out for exercise so that I’m not in the house all day everyday. Plus getting used to systems such as ‘ MS Teams’, remote access has been new to me. I am a clinical midwife so not used to working in front of a screen all day.

Everyone said 2020 is your year, a baby, a wedding, how fantastic! Fast forward to March and things couldn't have felt more different.

I was heavily pregnant, suffering from SPD (pelvic pain) and tired of being huge as Boris announced we were entering lockdown.

When my waters broke the night before my due date in April I was excited, scared but so ready to get the baby out. I was taken straight from maternity assessment to delivery which meant my partner was allowed in. An epidural, trip to theatre, forceps and a few stitches later, my 9lb baby crashed into this world.

All of this was a whirlwind and after a few hours in recovery I was wheeled off to the ward without my partner. It was fine we thought, we'll be home tomorrow! Little did we know, he wouldn't see us for a week.

After some tests, it was determined we'd need to stay the week for baby to have antibiotics. Under normal circumstances this would be no big deal, visitors could see us and we'd just enjoy the rest and care however Covid put a stop to visitors. I spent that first day emotional, tired, weak and angry but by day two decided to embrace our situation.

The care we received was amazing and I couldn't fault them, especially at a tough time on the NHS. Looking back, however hard it was, I try to remember the positives. Would we have established breastfeeding and a schedule that easily at home? Would I have managed to get much needed sleep and rest? I certainly wouldn’t have managed to eat three meals a day!

Coming home was daunting, being in lockdown provided challenges but the first few weeks in our newborn bubble were probably a god send. We weren't able to have any visits from the midwife or health visitor. Being signed off over the phone was fine but I would have liked the contact and reassurance as a new mum. We didn't have any concerns and rallied through those newborn weeks the best we could but there was always a sinking feeling that we had missed out. Weighing a baby on kitchen scales isn't quite the same...

A disappointing result of lockdown was family and friends missing out on those first few months. Whilst video calls and pictures were aplenty they never got to meet him at that stage (and we didn’t get an hours break!) We worried the lack of socialising would make him clingy but we didn't need to as he absolutely loves people and usually offers plenty of smiles. He’s so curious and spends most of his time at baby class (hooray they finally opened) watching everyone else.

We’ve been blessed with a sleeper and a calm, content baby (I know, hate to brag!) but I often wonder if this would be the same if life was “normal.” Yes lockdown was hard as a brand new parent but we had so much time as a family of three. 

I’m 37 weeks pregnant, I wanted to write a final piece about my COVID19 pregnancy before the main event!. This is about my birth preparation this time, my birth preferences and how this could be affected by COVID-19.

The birth of my first child didn’t go to plan and I had a traumatic experience leading to me being diagnosed with PTSD symptoms.

From the beginning , I knew I had work to do to make things different this time and I want to share the things that have helped me. A lot of the stuff that has helped has been online so its accessible now during COVID19 and lockdown. 

I think my first step was actually pre 2nd pregnancy and that was to invest in some healing from my first experience, I needed to understand what had happened to me.

Birth preparation

Mental health – understanding what happened, learning, informing myself.

I had never really heard of birth trauma and I don’t think I really knew what was happening to me in the aftermath, like lots of new parents, I scrolled through social media in the middle of the night looking for something to make it make sense.

Eventually I found Birth Better. Its an account on Instagram which basically helped me to recognise what had happened to me, understand it and I learnt SO MUCH through reading their posts, like all trauma experienced during birth is VALID – even if you and baby were both ok afterwards, something that should be so reassuring, but for me just made me feel confused/sad/ guilty/ungrateful whenever any well meaning person said it to me. Your experience and how you felt is what matters. 

Recently, in my later stages of this pregnancy, seeing some of the page content has been quite triggering and it felt right to unfollow for the time being, so please be careful as the content can be triggering! - but it was absolutely what I needed to see at the time, it made me feel so much less alone and I finally understood why I had been feeling so bad. Through Birth Better, I found other accounts who all talked about the same thing, Dr Rebecca Moore, Birth Trauma Support Family, Birth Trauma Association UK and so much more following birth trauma hashtags. I would encourage anyone who is struggling with their mental health after having a baby – whether its trauma, Postnatal Depression, Anxiety, Psychosis – to do the same, there is a ton of helpful info out there and the people behind the accounts are so kind.

Birth trauma information:

@birthbetter

@birthtraumasupportfamily

@birthtraumaresolution

@birth_trauma_association_uk

@drrebeccamoore

Accounts about positive birth:

@thepositivebirthcompany

@birth_ed

@positivebirthmovement

@positivebirthaffirmations

Finding support and therapy for my mental wellbeing:

After I understood more about what was happening to me and why I was still feeling so fragile and not coping in many ways, I sought support, first via my GP and also privately. I felt a lot better after some CBT and EMDR therapy and have felt pretty solid right up until I fell pregnant again late 2019, some of the old feelings started to creep back in. I knew I needed to take control and do my research, learn my rights, the choices I had etc - I really didn’t feel like facing up to this by the way, it was hard...

I bought an online hypnobirthing course through The Positive Birth Company – I found their account on Instagram and they had a flash sale last year and I bought it for a FIVER! It is usually £40 which is still totally worth it. The only reason I bought this course over another was the price but the course is fab, it goes into EVERYTHING. Breathing techniques for labour (and anxiety), how to deal with pain, the physiology of birth, ALL the possible scenarios you might experience and probably most importantly, what your rights and choices are for your birth – SPOILER ALERT – you have complete choice in everything!! For me, this was the most affordable option, as in person hypnobirthing or even the NCT courses can cost £100s. Obviously it was a good choice to make once lockdown happened in March, my partner and I could continue our online course without interruption!

I also made the decision to change hospitals where I gave birth, luckily I had another one a similar distance away that I could choose. I know not everyone has this choice but a change in birthing place could also be made to having a home birth or a midwife led centre for someone else.

Through the hospital, I grabbed EVERY offer of additional support. These add on services are available to everyone but may not be offered to everyone, I was very emotional during my early hospital appointments so maybe it was super obvious I wasn’t coping, however other people may need to be more assertive and ask for the additional support. I had an appointment with a senior midwife who talked to me about my previous experience and helped me further understand what had happened and what my options were now. I think most hospitals have these debrief clinics now - called things like ‘Birth Thoughts’ or ‘Birth Matters’.

I had a few appointments with their specialist well-being midwife who listened to me and my concerns and helped me make a proper birth plan I was happy with.

I was also referred to the Perinatal Mental Health Team. By this point lockdown was in effect so instead of face to face meetings I was offered regular supportive telephone calls throughout my pregnancy. I have also been attending an online Zoom wellbeing group with their peer support team. This keeps me in check and encourages me to implement coping strategies to stay well. 

Additionally, by luck, a friend emailed me about a local hypnobirthing teacher who was offering EFT sessions for free. I was a bit sceptical about Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping, however it was free so I contacted her and we set up a number of sessions over Zoom. This was incredibly helpful in dealing with anxiety symptoms and fully got me through a number of lone hospital appointments including my 20 week scan.

Finally, after a peak in anxiety and low mood in April, I decided to properly start making some time for myself. I was working from home full time at this point with a toddler and it had all got a bit much. I took a week off work and invested in a few things to support my wellbeing. I started to do pregnancy yoga every morning (just a random one from YouTube!) used positive affirmations on a phone app (Freya), had baths with some nice oils, purchased an essential oils calming spray, which I used every evening. I completed the hypnobirthing course and spent some time finessing my birth plan. This wasn’t all in that week, I’m still doing it now. And honestly this stuff has helped me just as much as all the professional interventions I’ve had.

Birth preferences and COVID19

I’ve only got a few weeks left, I don’t know for sure what effect COVID19 will have on my actual birth as things are still changing. I have made peace with the fact that my partner may not be able to be there at some points, if he contracts the virus I will need a reserve birth partner who will be my mum. I’ve been told I DON’T have to wear a mask to labour in (phew). There are some things which are still scary about giving birth at the moment, the biggest definitely the real possibility I’ll have extended time by myself whilst in labour BUT i’ve read probably hundreds of positive COVID birth stories via the Instagram pages I mentioned earlier and elsewhere online, if those women can do it, so can I. I know some people who wanted home births or to use midwife led centres have not been able to choose their options, maybe in some ways because of my previous c section those options were already ruled out for me which has made it easier? But in terms of what’s helped me prepare mentally and physically, I’ve been able to access most of it all online and it’s made it feel more in control and like I’m being really proactive, not just this passive ‘patient’ I felt like I was before.

So that’s it for now. Wish me luck!

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Lisa, one of our NEST ambassadors interviewed our other ambassador Anna about what it is like being pregnant during the Covid-19 outbreak. Here is what she said ..... 

Q. SO, CAN YOU TELL US HOW MANY MONTHS PREGNANT YOU ARE AND HOW YOU HAVE BEEN FEELING GENERALLY THROUGHOUT YOUR PREGNANCY PLEASE?

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant which means i am in the 3rd trimester of pregnancy which roughly translates to month 7 - 10 weeks (ish) to go! Baby is currently the size of a large head of broccoli according to my app!

Overall I’ve been feeling generally well, however i think it's useful to break up my well being into physical health and mental health. Physically, everything has been fine, no problems with baby at all my check ups and appointments, a very similar experience to my first pregnancy in fact. Mentally, I have been quite up and down. My last birth was quite traumatic, I think it was almost unavoidable that this would trigger feelings of anxiety and bring up bad memories in this pregnancy. I did have some great therapy after my last birth and I contacted my therapist recently to ask about my feelings at the moment, she also confirmed that no matter how well therapy had gone last time, it is entirely normal that I had experienced some negative feelings now - on just a hormonal level, there is so much uniquely going on inside a pregnant person’s body, that it just cannot be completely accounted for during any kind of treatment or therapy. This made me feel better as i had started to feel like i had failed in my therapy sessions and they had not worked.

My appointments with the midwife and visits to hospital have been very triggering of bad memories and there have been many tears during the discussions of how i have been feeling. These appointments have then left me with feelings of residual low mood and anxiety for the next day or so.

Q. DO YOU THINK YOUR EXPERIENCE OF PREGNANCY HAS BEEN DIFFERENT DUE TO THE PANDEMIC? IF SO, IN WHAT WAY?

the experience of pregnancy has been very different and i can think of both good and bad ways lockdown has influenced this;

some of the bad points:

Not seeing friends, family or work colleagues. This is usually what keeps me going if i've been feeling low. But i haven't been able to get that positive distraction through work or being able to connect with friends and family and just get that general good feeling you get when you interact with others.

I've missed all the attention! As a pregnant woman, I just feel like the world is a kinder and friendlier place! You suddenly have this unspoken connection with most of the women you come into contact with - other mums who know how you feel and have a kind word or a smile. People get out of your way, people offer their seat (most of the time) people have an immediate topic of conversation they can use to connect with you. and i for one, really love this.

Some of the interventions that I believe might have been available to me for helping my mental health, have not been possible due to everyone working from home. And it's just unavoidable to notice that the connection online you have with someone just isn't the same as in person.

I have continued to work my job, from home. This has had its ups and downs but the novelty has definitely worn off, it feels like an invasion of my privacy and my safe space and I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE!

I have also been unable to go swimming or attend the gym - something that was immensely helpful for my mental and physical health in my last pregnancy. So I feel like I am definitely less fit.

however there have been some good points too:

I have had more time to myself, this has meant that I have probably been overall a lot less stressed than if i was at work or interacting with other people. People have commented on how much more relaxed I seem.

In my job, in my role as a support worker, I spent a lot of time in the car. Driving too and from work of course but also got and from my visits from people's homes. I do wonder if this laid back seated position contributed to a breech presentation for baby in my last pregnancy. At home, am I at least able to get up and down more and seat myself in a more upward, forwards and open position -  Baby feels much more comfortable.

I've had some precious extra time with my 2 year old before baby no 2 arrives. This has obviously been tough at times but having her home most of the time has given us some extra unexpected time together with me and her dad.

We've got so much done around the house!! Which has been brilliant for my urges to nest!

Q. YOU TALK OPENLY ABOUT HAVING A TRAUMATIC BIRTH WITH YOUR FIRST CHILD AND CONSEQUENTLY SUFFERING WITH PTSD/ANXIETY. HAS THIS BEEN PICKED UP IN YOUR APPOINTMENTS THROUGHOUT YOUR PREGNANCY?

At my initial booking appointment with the midwife, I was asked about my mental health. Luckily for me, I had the same midwife as last time, so she had some idea about the issues that happened with my last birth. This has been discussed at length and things have been put in place this time.

Q. HAVE THERE BEEN ANY ADDITIONAL THINGS PUT IN PLACE DUE TO THIS, E.G. EXTRA APPOINTMENTS, MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT?

I was given the choice to give birth at a different hospital to last time, to reduce the bad memories associated with the previous birth experience.

I was referred to a birth debrief clinic called Birth Thoughts, in this I was able to talk over my previous birth with an experienced midwife who helped me to understand what happened better and help me think forward to how things could be different this time.

Referral to specialist wellbeing midwife who has again validated my experiences and helped me to develop a birth plan and preferences for this time. I had around 3-4 extra appointments for this.

Referral to the Perinatal Mental health service. I have been sent information on managing PTSD symptoms and offered supportive phone calls during my pregnancy (the full choice of interventions has not been available due to COVID however)

Referral to the Perinatal Mental health service peer support group - Keeping Well. This includes a wellbeing pack delivered to my house and a 4 week group delivered on a 1 to 1 basis over the phone.

Referral made to a specialist breastfeeding member of staff, as i really struggled last time and know i will need support this time.

I have also put things in place myself this pregnancy which i did not before:

Looking into more holistic ways to support my wellbeing, I haven't done much! But it’s made a lot of difference. I’ve done an online hypnobirthing course which has taught me so much in terms of my choices and what to expect. I absolutely should have done this the first time round! 

The hypnobirthing course encourages you to look into relaxation - I have relaxing aromatherapy bath oils and used them to have more baths - this has helped me unwind and has helped with the aches and pains. I have also invested in a good aromatherapy spray which I use to go to sleep and I will take into hospital with me for the birth.

I've done an online EFT (tapping course) which also addresses ways to reduce anxiety.

I've taken the time to do yoga most mornings (just a random youtube one for 30 mins!) and try to walk and move as much as possible.

I have taken a lot of time to look at my birth preferences with my partner and cover all the things that could happen during birth and what choices i would make.

Q. YOU’VE MENTIONED PREVIOUSLY THAT YOU LIVE IN WAKEFIELD BUT ARE GIVING BIRTH IN BARNSLEY – WERE YOUR NOTES TRANSFERRED BETWEEN AREAS OR DID YOU HAVE TO DO TWO DIFFERENT SETS OF NOTES AND THEREFORE TALK THROUGH YOUR HISTORY TWICE?

My notes were not transferred, i did have to go through everything twice, although i was warned about this by my community midwife and it was a choice i made knowing that. In preparation, I did request my previous birth notes from the hospital. This was a relatively simple process but it did take some weeks for them to get to me. This preparation i put into place myself is something i have been very conscious of this time round, i've felt like taking some control myself has been helpful. These notes were then very useful to show the midwives and other clinic staff I have encountered at appointments at the new hospital - so they had an idea of what I had been through previously.

Q. HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO ATTEND YOUR APPOINTMENTS FACE TO FACE OR HAVE THEY BEEN DONE ONLINE?

I found out i was pregnant in December 2019 so up until March when the lockdown started, all my appointments had been as normal and face to face, one of my last appointments was my 12 week scan with my partner, i feel so lucky he was able to come to this as i had to attend my 20 week one alone. I have since had a mixture of face to face and online/phone appointments. whilst pregnant you do still need to be seen in person; be examined and have blood and urine tests so this still has to be face to face, but you have to attend alone. Initially this was disconcerting but i think overall i feel stronger from doing this alone. My appointments with the specialist services have been over the phone or on zoom.

Q. HAS YOUR PARTNER BEEN ABLE TO ATTEND THE APPOINTMENTS WITH YOU?

As above.

Q. WHEN YOU ATTEND YOUR SCANS, ARE THEY DIFFERENT TO THE FIRST TIME? I’M THINKING ABOUT SOMEONE FEELING ANXIOUS ABOUT ATTENDING A SCAN AT THE MOMENT – FOR EXAMPLE ARE THE SONOGRAPHERS WEARING PPE EQUIPMENT? DO YOU HAVE TO WEAR A FACE MASK ETC?

The 20 week scan was certainly an anxiety provoking appointment and i wrote about this in detail on the last blog piece i did on our website. However the experience ended up being actually fine and not that different to a normal scan appointment really. you are called the day before the and asked if you have any COVID symptoms, i didn't have any, however i believe even if you do, they will still need to see you for the scan, but further protective measures are probably put into place. When i attended on the day, the hospital was so quiet which i found reassuring, the staff were in PPE but the only difference that was really obvious was the face masks, everyone seemed to sense the potential for the situation to cause anxiety and everyone was SO NICE :). I didn't have to wear any protective clothing, I was just asked to wash my hands with the sanitiser.

Q. WHAT INFORMATION HAVE YOU BEEN GIVEN ABOUT GIVING BIRTH DURING THE CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK? IS YOUR PARTNER ALLOWED TO ATTEND THE BIRTH?

The situation with lockdown and the virus is changing so fast, from week to week we have different information and the guidance feels like it's being constantly updated. Due to this, i haven't been told exactly what will happen at my birth, this will be in August and that is still a while away. I have educated myself by reading my hospital guidelines on their website and reading loads of positive birth stories online to give me an idea of what may happen. time scales may change, but i am expecting that my partner will not be able to be with me until i am in ‘established labour’. Roughly this will translate to being around 4cm dilated and with regular contractions. After this your partner can stay with you until the birth and then they can stay for a set amount of time afterwards, i think this is currently a couple of hours but this could change. Reading about other women who have been through this and absolutely bossed it has been so reassuring.

Q. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU’D LIKE TO ADD THAT YOU THINK WOULD BE USEFUL FOR A PERSON THAT IS CURRENTLY PREGNANT OR THINKING ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT?

I’m Keeley Donovan, usually a busy TV presenter working for BBC Yorkshire.... today a stay-at-home, working-from-home, anxious-at-home, mum-to-be.

I am 30 weeks pregnant with my first child. I’ve had a straightforward and happy pregnancy so far. My pregnancy was planned, we fell pregnant within a couple of months and we know how very lucky we are to find ourselves in this wonderful situation with little stress. Yes I had morning sickness and a few weird, but perfectly normal, side effects but otherwise I can honestly say I was loving pregnancy. My mood felt really good, not a single blue day and I was blown over by how kind people had been - friends, family and my TV and online audience had all been so supportive and excited for us. Life was great.

So it did come as a bit of a shock when Boris Johnson’s briefing on March 16th put pregnant women in the at risk/vulnerable group. I was asked to leave work straight away. I’m very grateful to work for a company like the BBC which prioritises staff welfare - I’ve read about other pregnant women being forced to stay at work or who don’t feel safe at work throughout this and I can’t imagine how traumatic that must be. Nevertheless I was shocked - I left work with tears streaming down my face - knowing I was unlikely to return until after maternity leave. I love work. I work hard. I’m a busy presenter who normally says yes to every opportunity going and enjoys a frantic and jam packed work life - I co-anchor Look North twice a week, forecast the weather and present our regional current affairs programme Inside out. The thought of saying goodbye to those roles before I was planning to and to a wonderful team of colleagues made me very sad. I also felt sad not to be part of a team working hard to cover a huge news story, something that affects every viewer. 

I do count myself very lucky. My husband and I are now safe at home. We’re getting food deliveries so barely need to venture out, except for a bit of fresh air or for a midwife appointment. But this is not how I imagined spending my pregnancy. No shopping for baby bits with my mum, not growing bigger alongside other close friends who are pregnant, no outings with my husband for nursery furniture. For all of that I feel sad. Like many other people those special little moments in time feel like they’ve been stolen. Instead, all the essentials will be ordered online and delivered by someone wearing a mask. Obviously this isn’t important when compared with what others are suffering, it’s just sad.

More than that though, I also feel scared. I know this is something I have in common with many people right now, but I feel scared about catching it and something happening to my baby. I feel frightened at the prospect of giving birth in the middle of all this. Labour is something frightening and unknown to a first time mum anyway. I must say this fear isn’t because of any horror stories I’ve heard - to the contrary, my midwife appointments have been going ahead as planned and she stressed that I should expect a safe and ‘normal’ birthing experience.

I just think the mix of hormones, the vulnerability that pregnancy invokes and a world pandemic make for a heady mix of fear and lack of control.

In the first few days I was completely overwhelmed and cried a lot. But as we’ve settled into this I’ve felt calmer. I realised that more than anything else my anxiety and stress would have a negative effect on the baby and that I needed to chill out for their well-being. I haven’t completely switched off from the news but I’ve limited the amount I take in. I want to know the facts but a constant stream of information was becoming all consuming. I was home. I was safe, so I didn’t need to fill every moment with it. I’ve felt better since.

I’m also very lucky to have other friends who are pregnant- we communicate often and it helps to think I’m not the only one going through this. Goodness there will be women with complicated or high risk pregnancies going through a dreadful time, another thing to feel very grateful for. 

I’ve also tried to do some mindful activities- colouring, crafting and focusing on the little happy things that brighten each day. In fact I’ve been trying to share those moment with my followers on Instagram and twitter and lots of people have been in touch with theirs, which is lovely. I must admit most of mine are food related- I fear I will put on more pregnancy weight than I would’ve if I’d been going about my normal business!

I’m also making an effort to get dressed up, put on some make up and take some pictures to document the pregnancy and to share with our families who seem very far away right now. Also I could easily spend the next 3 months in my maternity legging and that would be a shame- especially for my husband who would have to witness it.

On the subject of my husband- I’m lucky he’s so lovely, understanding and supportive and is being very patient through my wobbles and tears. There’s no one I’d rather be in lockdown with.

Today is Thursday 2nd April and I write to you today from a desk in the spare room. I’ve been relegated from the kitchen as since I last wrote, as my 2 year old daughters childcare arrangements have come crashing down and she is home for most of the week now.

I want to just say before I talk about what's been going on in my life this past week, that I am extremely grateful for this pregnancy, it was planned and wanted and very carefully considered in the light of what happened to me last time. I have someone who is very close to me go through devastating miscarriages last year and the stress I feel at the moment in relation to this pregnancy and the virus are always balanced against knowing how incredibly lucky I am, to even have these worries at all.

The newest challenge I’ve faced since I last wrote was my 20 week scan which was yesterday. I guess I was already feeling anxious about this milestone, with or without the current COVID-19 lockdown. It’s another thing that I knew would probably trigger some difficult memories and remind me once again that I have a birth to prepare for. So I’ve been avoiding thinking about it and actually - with us staying at home all the time I feel like I’ve entered into this little bubble and outside influences have become almost easier to avoid in a way. But I had my online EFT session on Monday, and the first thing the therapist asked if there was anything coming up that was making me feel anxious. I almost immediately burst into tears - literally just switched on the Zoom call - how embarrassing - clearly the anxiety was there and it had been building up, but I’d not acknowledged it.

If anyone wants to know more about EFT, I found an NHS info sheet here -   http://www.dchs.nhs.uk/assets/public/dchs/services_we_provide/service-directory/our-services/healthpsychology/Energy%20Therapies/Emotional%20Freedom%20Technique%20-%20short%20form.pdf   Or even better there are loads of videos on Youtube that show you how it works and how you can do it yourself.

I spent my online session tapping through my anxieties, identifying affirmations that made me feel calmer and I wrote these down to use on the day of my appointment. The anxiety, predictably, was around unknown factors, things out of my control. So far there was nothing to say this pregnancy was anything but normal but we all know these scans are done to help identify any abnormalities so I was anxious about dealing with any potential bad news alone. But, also, would all the staff be wearing contamination suits? Would there be sick patients everywhere? Would it be like an episode of ER? Would I need to wear protective clothing?? I had also heard rumours that birth partners were not allowed to come to the scans anymore…

There didn’t seem to be any central (Government) guidance about this stuff, information was localised, with providers having their own policies and procedures around managing COVID-19. So I checked the hospital website and yeah there it was, I would definitely have to go it alone. Strangely seeing it all there in black and white made it feel a bit more manageable. I knew what I needed to do, the ‘what ifs’ had been taken out of the equation.

The day before my scan was due I was called by the maternity department at the hospital to check if I was well or experiencing any COVID-19 symptoms, the website indicated that this would happen, luckily I am currently well – so no problems there.

The next day, I set off for the hospital, I had written down my affirmations the night before and said them out loud in the car;

I am strong; I am safe; I can do this for my baby;I am open to whatever happens today...

I definitely had a wobble but tapped through the anxiety and I could feel the anxiety melting away. By the way, I have always been a bit of a sceptic with this stuff but its amazing how open you can become when you desperately want to feel ok! Anyway - it worked. I arrived feeling pretty calm. Everything appeared as normal in the hospital, the car park was heaving – ha! How reassuring. I went to the reception, the staff were wearing masks and gloves but nothing scary - also I hadn’t been required to wear/do anything different - just to wash my hands – they asked me if I was feeling well, which I was. Waiting in reception, there were a few signs asking people to respect social distancing rules, sit 2 metres apart etc but again, nothing too drastic, it was super quiet. I was called in on time by the sonographer, he and his colleague were again wearing masks and gloves but it didn’t feel different to scans I’ve had before. All was well! What a relief, there were definitely tears but these were of relief not worry. I got my snaps – FREE – as there was nobody to come and maintain the cash machine – haha – a small silver lining.

The next time I write it will probably be relevant to talk about my birth preferences, I do have some. I desperately want it to be a healing experience for me, coupled with, of course, getting baby here safely. I know that COVID-19 may mean some of that has to change which I need to be at peace with. There was lots of other information on the hospital website, aside from what is happening with scans, about labour, birth and how this looks at my chosen hospital.

My learning from this recent experience is that I need to NOT put off looking at this. My advice for anyone pregnant and preparing for their births, is to speak to their midwife or hospital, look on the hospital website, its scary, but you may end up feeling more reassured. In the meantime, babies continue to be born, everyday, and there are loads of positive stories online at the moment about what its like to give birth amongst the pandemic – see @thepositivebirthcompany, @positivebirthmovement and @birthbetter on Instagram. 

Corona virus and social distancing. Well there's something I definitely never thought i'd have to think about in pregnancy!

I'm Anna, one of the NEST mental health ambassadors. I write to you from my kitchen table at home where I shall be stationed for the foreseeable future. Im 18 weeks pregnant and signed off from my day job to work from home. It's been quite a crazy week, I thought it might be good to write some of this stuff down as I suppose my experiences will be very relevant for some people reading this, plus I want to take the opportunity to record what is going on right now as no doubt it will be a significant historical event and I want to remember how I felt.

I think its useful to give a little bit of my background here as it feels quite relevant - bear with me; My first birth didnt go to plan, my baby girl was in a breech position and despite feeling determined to wait things out as long as possible and have a natural birth, i was feeling more and more under pressure from the hospital to book a planned c section in. I decided to try an ECV (manually turning the baby) to take the pressure off and be left alone. A lot of things happened during those 2 hours I was in the appointment, but in a nutshell, baby's heart rate was erratic and they decided not to even attempt the ECV and instead decided on an emergency c - section. So with no warning, no preparation, no labour, hospital bag and almost no baby daddy, I was handed my little girl 30 minutes later in theatre, in complete shock. It was an incredibly traumatic experience and a few months later I was told by my GP i had PTSD. I had EMDR therapy around a year after the birth, which was really successful and for the past 18 months my life has been relatively back to normal - as normal as it can be with a toddler. And then I fell pregnant again late last year. So up until this Monday, i was feeling really quite calm and relaxed about the whole thing Corona situation. I was determined not to freak out and increase my anxiety. Which has been bubbling away gently since i found out i was pregnant again. There have been so many triggers bringing up memories of my first birth, hospital appointments, midwife appointments, going through my first birth again and again with various different people. BUT I WAS OK - holding it together.

And then we had the 'breaking' news delivered last Monday night by the Prime Minister, and I found out I had been moved into the 'vulnerable category' along with the most at risk people, the over 70s, those with serious underlying conditions, the people who could die from this virus. Now I couldn't stop the freak out. I sat glued to the TV screen as my phone started to light up with concerned messages from friends and family. My phone pretty much didnt stop then, right through until the following evening, people sending news links, articles, their concerns, advice, etc etc. I went into work as normal on Tuesday, mostly because I didn’t know what else to do - I felt overwhelmingly like I shouldn’t have been there but with no clear direction from anywhere I think I was just on automatic pilot. I cried in the car on the way into work.

For the whole of Tuesday at work I felt numb, like things werent really real, some of my work colleagues were equally affected, some in tears, some outraged at the lack of clarity from anyone, some insistent I shouldnt be there and I should be at home, my phone continuing to ping away... I havent felt anxiety like that in such a long time so I was incredibly relieved when I was sent home to work from home on Wednesday.

Working my way through the actual mountain of information online was so stressful, but I finally settled on 2 sources which seemed sensible and credible, but interestingly, in my perception of their message, they felt quite conflicting. The first was the government advice given on Monday 16th - which had initially made me feel so worried, and the second, the RCOG official guidelines which came out just after the government advice. After digesting both, I sort of merged them together in my mind to produce a more balanced view - im a Libran you see.

The government announcement felt scary, being placed in that vulnerable category was a shock, however the RCOG report is quite reassuring in that it states, (with what is currently known) 'Generally, pregnant women do not appear to be more severely unwell than the general population if they develop coronavirus'. SO - The Government is taking protective measures at the moment, which is actually fine - great in fact! and I am reassured that all the evidence currently points towards there being no known increased risk for me. As I am currently WELL and my family and I are not showing any symptoms of the virus - I have been advised to continue to attend all my antenatal appointments as planned, as these are essential and attendance currently outweighs the risk. For anyone else wondering about their own appointments, I strongly advise you to check with your local providers too though, just in case things change, as they seem to be doing a lot at the moment. So an air calm (if I dare say that) has returned today, i've started to try and take a bit more responsibility for my own mental health, i've been using some guided meditation from YouTube before bed, for the past week or so which has helped massively with falling asleep - which is when im most vulnerable to my anxiety taking hold. Ive also sought out some local online EFT sessions - Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping - so cool, and im getting stuck into my online hypnobirthing course. All stuff that I can do myself from home!

I plan to write more as things progress so watch this space. Would love to hear from any mums or dads in a similar position to me, its so important - now more than ever - to bring people together and share our experiences - although obviously following the stringent social distancing protocol in the process. Of course.

Stay safe out there! 

Breastfeeding is definitely a choice but for me it was a MUST...breastfeeding is not for everyone each to their own I like to call it and I absolutely understand it’s not for everyone, but for me there was no question.

Just because I choose to do it doesn’t stop it from being difficult/hard/stressful it’s for sure a bumpy ride..one min your UP next min your DOWN it’s a beautiful thing...a bonding thing....frustrating thing most of all a tiring THING...sometimes feels endless at times...you need to be COMMITTED...as selfish as it may sound it’s nice to know that I’m the provider for my beautiful baby girl...This ride is emotionally draining “but why Mash” “just give her the boob” I know a lot of people think it’s just that easy it’s NOT my boob is comfort my boob is breakfast..lunch & dinner & don’t forget she sure does love a snack...she just wants to be close to her mama I love that feeling I loveeee that bonding time! But it also means she may refuse to go to anyone else which results to potentially draining me..she’s already feeding off me so I need to also be fed..”feed me” refuel. 

Its definitely the hardest most rewarding thing...to know she’s tucked in close to my heart she is safe & I am whole..when she grabs my shirt/bra with those little hands but mighty strong grip & eyes looking straight up at me just to indicate that she is now satisfied & she is most of all happy (I sometimes get a slight smile) did I mention how intense feeding on DEMAND is especially when all you want to do is sleep but your baby needs you 2am 4am or even just before the alarm...at times when I’m dead tired I wonder why I put my self through it why don’t I share the responsibility with my partner NOT pump NOT nurse just bottle feed have him make bottles after bottles...I then remember my baby is counting on me my body is made to feed her & feeding her is what I’ve committed to doing feeding her is what I’ll do! If you are a struggling nursing new mama out there from one milking mama to another.

Therapist, Leeds.

A morning cuppa is my go to as it signals the start of the day. I usually have this in bed while catching up on the news on my phone or having a quick flick through social media (my bad I know !) However, I don’t want these little pink pills to become part of my norm. But I’ve noticed recently they have been creeping in to my morning routine to help with feelings of overwhelm, irritability and panic – all signs associated with anxiety.  Recent events have definitely added to this this week but I’d say my anxiety levels have been creeping up for a few weeks now and this correlates with me coming off my antidepressants (20mg citalopram) that I’d been on for around 7 years. I had my first therapy session yesterday which really helped me look at these feelings differently – the medication helped me immensely when I needed it but with that, for me, came an overall feeling of flatness. I didn’t really know this at the time but there weren’t many highs or lows really, just an overall feeling of being a bit numb to things. But now I’m off the antidepressants I experience the highs and feelings that I haven’t felt in years, but along with that comes the lows. So to give you an example…. I’ve never really felt irritated by my kids before. Crazy, right? Considering Fin is now 9 and Rowan 5. When I told some of my close Mum friends this recently they looked at me like I had two heads! And this didn’t make me proud or feel like some sort of super mum, it actually made me feel pretty sad. Sad that I’ve not really experienced this feeling because on the flipside of this comes with it lots of love and happiness which has inevitably been lacking too. And the old phrase is right – you’ve got to take the highs with the lows. So all of these recent feelings are new to me and massively intensified. I mean, how irritating is it to ask your kids to get dressed five times every morning and don’t even get me started on the noise. I cannot believe this is a new thing to me. WTF?! So whilst I’m learning to deal with these emotions, my therapist says I need to treat myself with kids gloves on. So be kind to myself and work out ways to deal with this added anxiety. Yes I sometimes need the help of my little pink pill but there are definitely other ways I can deal with this and you can to. 

Many people’s emotions are intensified with the current situation in the world so it’s no wonder people have been reaching out to me lately for advice and support as well as to offer a helping  hand. But its no wonder yours and my anxiety is pretty high. That lump stuck in my throat is not letting me forget it either. It might come as a knot in your stomach or just a general feeling of unease but believe me when I say you won’t be the only one during this time. So what can we do to help ourselves and others? Here are a few things that I’ve found useful but I sure as hell don’t always get it right so give the ones a try you feel might align with you best …..

1)      Breathe. Sounds obvious but I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to take myself off and practice mindful breathing. Breathe in deep through your nose and slowly out through your mouth. This helps bring back your inner calm but does take practice, especially in the heat of the moment!

2)      Take one day at a time. I do this always as by looking too far ahead can cause me to feel overwhelmed. Or, try writing a weekly plan to break down tasks and activities that you can tick off along the way. Who doesn’t immediately feel more calm and in control working through a tick list?!

3)      Talk to people and tell them how you are feeling. I’ve started to tell my kids when I’m feeling frustrated when they are not listening to me. More often than not they’ll take notice but I can’t promise this one is going to be 100% effective!!

4)      Sleep. This is my absolute favourite medicine. Not been the easiest recently with everything that’s going on but try to rest at least or grab a 20 minute power nap in the day if you can.

5)      Acknowledge how you are feeling and think about why you are feeling this way. Often when you do this and break down your feelings they don’t seem as bad as you once thought.

6)      Get out of the house. Even if its just for a little walk. I used to hate it when people used to say to me ‘the fresh air will do you good’ when the last thing I wanted to do was leave the comfort of my own home. But my stubborn self hates to say it – it really does help. And if you can bring yourself to whack on a red lippy too then I cant tell you how much better you’ll feel (and it hides the under eye bags/unwashed hair). This I am an expert at!

Much Love,

Lisa x

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*Trigger warning - traumatic birth story*

37 week induction with a 6 hour discharge. That was the intention. I had been referred to a perinatal midwife due to my anxiety disorder and depression and we had developed this birth plan to put my mind at ease throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. However, this wasn’t to be the case. Here is my story about pregnancy, mental health and me.

For all of my life I have had an anxiety disorder which mentally stops me doing a lot of things in life at a debilitating level. I have two children -  a 10 year old girl who was a due date baby and a 3 year old boy.

In 2016 I was pregnant with our second child, very excited but extremely anxious so to start with I was very poorly. I was hit with morning sickness. Oh my goodness - morning sickness - why on earth it is called morning sickness is beyond me. I felt like I was on a ferry in the middle of the rough seas 24/7 or feeling like I had a constant major hangover. I didn’t eat for weeks; I cried because I was hungry so dehydrated I had mouth ulcers, this is no fun! I was admitted to the hospital and told I had HG, the ultimate ‘princess Kate morning sickness’.

I was put on a drip of fluids and given anti-sickness medication then discharged. With on and off sickness throughout I did eventually start enjoying pregnancy, I had regular midwife appointments and most of those appointments were taken up with me talking about how anxious I was about being in hospital and giving birth. At this point in my life I was struggling being in buildings that I couldn’t easily get out of, so as you can imagine a hospital is not an easy place to escape.  I had constant nightmares and visions of me mid-labour, freaking out having a massive panic attack and running. At that point it didn’t enter my head that the pain of child birth would more than likely stop me running but nevertheless anxiety took over and I was referred to a wonderful lady from the perinatal midwife team. I remember my first appointment, feeling like I didn’t want to tell her the full truth of how I was feeling. I thought she would think ‘how would I cope with another child if I couldn’t even cope with being in a hospital building’  or ‘oh my goodness this extremely anxious lady is having a child’ so at first I didn’t say too much. She asked me about my first labour, and I guess you’re also wondering how I coped with all this first time round? Well the answer to that is I was 17 and was still a child myself, I did have anxiety at that point but over the years the triggers changed. I think after having my daughter the motherly instincts came but they came with a heap load of anxiety!

So back to the lovely midwife, I also told her that my daughters delivery was forceps due to her heart rate dropping dramatically; yes to this day she is still very much the drama queen! I didn’t want that fright of 10 doctors rushing in, I wanted to be more in control this time round, that’s when we came up with the plan. 37 week induction and a 6 hour discharge, no way on earth could I stay in hospital as I knew the post natal ward was on level 7!!! My mind would not make it up there. No way! So perfect the plan is in place I can know relax and completely enjoy my pregnancy!!

At 30 weeks pregnant I felt an indescribable poorly. I went to the GP; they said my heart rate was really high and they sent me to A&E - germs, people ,stress and now worry not a good combination! I was transferred to the maternity assessment I had the usual checks, monitor on my tummy- all good, urine test-all clear so the ‘only’ thing this illness and heart rate could be is a panic attack, right? And I was sent on my way. Let me assure you this was not my anxiety symptoms. My heart hurt and I was so weak; the pain in every single bone and muscle when working was torture.  

Not long after I had a routine midwife appointment, my heart rate again was high, and the same happened. Back to the assessment ward only to be told again ‘just anxiety, take it easy’ by this point I was genuinely scared, I started to question my own health is this a new thing? Have panic attacks suddenly evolved into a new generation of anxiousness? Causing pain, weakness and a heavy heart? Surely not! And if it had I did not want to be sticking around to deal with that every day of my life, no thank you! So not only am I doubting myself, but my partner and family might believe the midwife and might think it’s just my anxiety! It was horrendous.

Then it got real! We hit 35 weeks, I woke up in agony, my tummy, my heart my chest. No one believed me. Why would they? The midwives had told my family it was just anxiety. So my mum was reluctant to take me back to the hospital but I insisted. I arrived at 9am on the 19th September, I had swabs and these swabs test for preterm labour in the period of two weeks, mine came back negative. I was prescribed codeine, told to go home and take a hot bath, again off we went I literally crawled to the car. I couldn’t walk. The pain was so bad.

We got home within 15 minutes and I climbed in the bath and began to bleed, my worst nightmare, blood is bad. Was I losing my baby?

By now it’s only 1pm and we rushed back to the hospital where I was examined and told I was 5cm dilated. FINALLY something they couldn’t pass off as anxiety. My baby boy was well on his way, 5 weeks early! My 37 week induction was out of the window, but I was coping, staying calm, I guess I hadn’t realized this might mean the 6 hour stay might not happen.  Yet the adrenaline was well and truly flowing. The crash trolley was brought into my room because my heart rate was super high and with that came neonatal nurses. I delivered a gorgeous 8lb 1oz baby Charlie. He was placed on my tummy for 5 seconds - enough time for a picture, then he made a noise, a noise which sounded like a grunting pig so they took him. A nurse said he’s ok, he’s struggling a bit and he’s gone to neonatal. I didn’t know where that was but my brand new baby boy was taken by a nurse I’d never met to a place I’d never seen. Strangely no sadness, no fear or worry crossed my mind; all I kept saying was I have just had a baby with no pain relief. I now feel so much guilt for not feeling sadness or fear, but the adrenalin had clearly taken over. I then had to deliver my placenta, it was GREEN.  This had been the problem. My placenta was severely infected, this is why I was so poorly and this is why my baby was early and now struggling. 3 hours later I was wheeled round to the neonatal. We approached a door with a buzzer and at the other side of that locked door was a long corridor; this was not an easy escape. My anxiety then took over and all I kept thinking was when I see my baby the anxiety will go. How wrong was I! I didn’t for one second picture what we were  about to see. We turned the corner and I was pushed into a room with dim lights, incubators, machines, nurses, strange beeping sounds. My heart was racing. I asked which was mine. What a strange question ‘which is my baby’ - that in itself made me feel like a terrible mum. How could I not know what my baby looked like? And then I looked at him, he had 2 wires to his chest one on his foot, a canular with antibiotics in his hand, a feeding tube in his mouth, a hat with a big pipe attached to it going up his nose. He looked helpless. What on earth was all this and why was it needed? What had happened? I couldn’t cope and I needed to get out of this unit. I felt trapped, trapped mentally and physically.

It’s strange to admit I struggled to visit my baby, the rush of anxiety and fear was too much and I felt too weak to fight it having just had a baby. Charlie was on the neonate so for 4 days before being moved to transitional care finally I was able to lay next to my baby which was odd. I’d been his mum for 4 and a half days, but I felt he didn’t know me and I didn’t know him. I felt scared that he’d adapted to the nurses and he wanted them not me, of course this was not true! But that’s the reality of an anxious mind, the feeling that I wasn’t  not good enough to anyone even my child, and partly because I couldn’t even carry him to full term!