爱天，爱您

sitting at work today minding my business, touching all the fish lol.

the past week was crazy. jimmy came back & stayed with me monday through friday. he was so sweet.

Monday

j got to the station at noon, i made lunch (stuffed onions in red wine/tomato sauce)

we frolicked around new haven, saw his old dorm building, got pastries at atticus bookstore/cafe (big sesame/tahini cookie & ramp scone), bought labubu clothes, dinner at september in bangkok. i grilled j a little on his law school intentions. he also told me about viet modern history & his family background as southern refugees. it was really hot outside all week.

watched a bad movie in the evening

j snores loudly & has mild sleep apnea. he was nervous abt his snoring & offered to sleep on the couch but i told him no. i mentioned the sleep apnea in the morning & he did a quick google then pushed the topic away, saying he didn't want to spiral abt health stuff.

Tuesday

olmo bagels & beach. it was awesome. the blt on a sesame bagel was like a shaobing. we sat in the shade of a lifeguard tower. hammonasset beach was not the best; the sand was full of sharp shells, and the water was very cold with no waves because it is in the long island sound. we got in the water and mostly stood around chatting. snuck in a hug & some kisses. there were a lot of funny kids around us.

went to get coffee on the way back. new haven fog / dirty chai. i think the chai is a new haven thing bc it was the base of the fog.

got my cooch destroyed in the afternoon. :)

we were craving some meat after, ended up walking to cafe bravo for yummy arancini, lamb rack, & pasta. j's friend dere said hi while we were eating.

stayed up a bit late chatting. i think i smoked a bit & we were talking abt friends. i forget, we either did karaoke this night or sometime on wednesday.

Wednesday

went to work during the day, & cried on the drive home listening to my breakup playlist. i was missing emmy. listening to 鹿洐人 當我望著你 & felt sad that i used to listen to it & feel really trusting of emmy. but they lost me & didn't come back to find me in the end. wishing that someone would be home when i got there. to my surprise, jimmy was at the door, & dere was napping. we had some silly chats abt their job at the soft serve shop, & the two of them left.

j came back in the evening after seeing a friend. i got j to prepare steamed veggie balls using yam leaves & some cornmeal, seared some pork tenderloin. j had a headache for most of the night. dinner was just ok, but j had brought back some black sesame panna cotta from the loop that was really good. i think maybe we played a tiny bit of wizard of legend before i was like this is not the vibe. we ended up playing some cyberchase & neopets lol.

Thursday

had a late start to the day. wanted to frolick in new haven again but it was so hot. we got chinese food on the way to the art museum, but after eating decided to just head home. maybe we fooled around a bit in the afternoon? for dinner we went to zeneli in wooster square for pizza. finally did the new haven pizza thing lol, & it was pretty good. really thin crust, we got a truffle/sausage thing & margherita. j got some heat rash bc the restaurant was really hot, & i put aloe on to cure it. did some more chatting/listening to music/playing games in the evening.

Friday

woke up late & j had brought back breakfast sandwiches from the deli nearby. we went to get viet food but the store was closed... ended up at a burmese place that had a tea leaf salad & chicken/chickpea/coconut milk noodle soup. it was a young guy & his parents, & the guy just sat next to us with his computer & wanted to talk to us about playtesting his shooting game lmao. got really horny on the drive back but we only had 15 mins & jimmy had to pack. his friend jade came in to use the bathroom & chug water, & they left to go get food. but they came back after bc they wanted to smoke some cigs. jade was kind of a rude hot girl, & wanted j to study the old musicians that they were going to visit. i think she didn't want to talk to me bc im chinese. they left early evening & i just laid around the rest of the day.

Saturday

yifan came to see fireworks. i woke up late & he had waited for almost an hour bc he was also early. we got revolving sushi then walked around yale campus. went to the rare book museum & got bubble tea. chilled out for a bit at my place talking about his research, then we drove to texas roadhouse bc he wanted to eat the steak & cinnamon/butter rolls. it was a really big meal.

the fireworks were supposed to start at 9 from the peak of east rock but got delayed bc of the rain. seemed like everywhere rained on america's 250th bday. the skies were not happy with the state of things. we checked at 9:45 & still no fireworks. we started watching a movie & heard sounds from outside at some point. we went outside to see the fireworks going off! it was a good view of east rock right outside my apartment. i felt glad that the main goal of the trip didn't fall through.

the movie was kinda good, kinda awful. it was about an older chinese lady who gets fed up with her family (chauvinist husband, needy daughter who has a child she doesn't have time to take care of) & drives away on a forever roadtrip, & becomes internet famous. 出走的决心 2024

went to bed & everything was normal. i was kind of hyperaware of the situation, & kept waking up throughout the night. at one point the backs of our hands touched, & i pulled away slightly after a couple minutes & his hand followed, but he turned around after a minute. in my head i thought abt if i should ask him in the morning whether he touched my hand on purpose. i got really turned on at one point when he was above the covers & stuck both hands in his shorts to adjust himself in his sleep, then pulled up his shirt to scratch his stomach. in the morning, i found him snuggled against the side of my arm. i was like omfg i was trying to be normal but this little twink is gey as all hell. we started chatting as we woke up & he stayed against the side of my arm so i asked him if he had feelings for me. he said he might. i pulled him onto my chest & he was really content to lay on me. i really wanted to touch his chest & stomach... it was soft & warm like emmy. he wrapped his thighs around my leg & i was surprised by how soft & heavy they were. i asked him & he does a lot of squats bc he likes volleyball. he said he only wants to date seriously, & that he wants me to tell no one about it, even friends & family. i half jokingly asked him what that means... i was like do u have a lot of friends? i dont think we know any of the same people... if dating seriously means we move in together someday, what do we say to people? he was just like i want it to be a secret. & then he was saying that he wants to bottom & go all the way. i told him no bc i dont have protection, & he doesn't know how to bottom. i told him i needed to leave soon to get jimmy from the train station & he started to get really clingy. the whole morning, he was talking like a little baby where he quietly mumbles short responses. he pulled me in to kiss me & i think it was his first kiss. i wanted to give him something to satisfy him & get him to leave. i kissed his chest & asked if he wanted to come, but he said no & he just wanted to bottom. i was like i need to leave & he said i owed him for being late the previous day. as i got ready to leave he asked me when i would be back (2 hrs) & said he would stay until i was back. i was a couple minutes late already at that point so i just left.

i told j as soon as i got him bc he wanted to pick up food & go back to my place to fool around. it was a huge bummer & we ended up talking the whole 1.5 hrs that we had before his connecting train. got indian food but neither of us had much appetite. he told me that he had been really excited to see me & tell me that he likes me. i felt kind of crushed that i fucked things up. we discussed what we like about each other, exclusivity/non-monogamy, & what we want to do, but didn't really finish the conversation. i could tell i made him feel really anxious. when i dropped him back at the station, he kissed me before he left. that was the only moment that felt right. we planned on calling the next day.

when i got back, yifan was still in my bed. i asked him if he ate yet & if he wants food, & he told me he's fine bc he ate some of the leftovers. i sat next to him in bed reading bc i didn't really know what to do. he snuggled against me again, & i had one last selfish moment where I wanted to lay on his chest for a minute. then i told him that we needed to talk, & he was like oh so serious. i told him i dont want to be a secret serious boyfriend, & we shouldn't make things complicated between us. he was really sulky & said he felt like he took a really big step in the morning, & he's disappointed. then he got up and left. i felt really bad rejecting him too. told alice i wanted to chat about feeling guilty abt my ho activities, then fell asleep.

when i woke up in the early evening, i texted yifan asking if he got home. he didn't respond for a long time, & i was worried that he had crashed out over his first kiss being with a jerk & possibly would report me to work. turns out, he was fine and just took a nap. i chatted with alice abt it & she was like dw at all, he was just being horny & immature in the morning. im allowed to explore what i want. & it sounds like what happened made me realize that i want to be with jimmy.

Monday

normal, uneventful remote work day

jimmy called in the evening & we talked it through. i missed some gaps when we talked at the restaurant, & i filled him in on what happened & my feelings. i felt surprised by how secure he came across in the situation. we talked abt when we want to see each other next, & discussed further on exclusivity & queer love & stuff. found out his grandpa has cancer & didn't seem ready to process it. the conversation felt good overall & i think we're on the same page abt liking each other & wanting to be together/figure things out. later in the evening, he sent me a list of stuff he wants to learn including lsat study, songwriting, having fun together online, improving his relationship with grandpa, learning piano, & chores. i want to put effort into each other's personal development intentionally this time.

Friday, June 12 9:20 PM

Listened to this song the other day. Definitely heard it before but thought it was just a corny pop song. But I understood the lyrics for the first time and cried so hard.

I moved on so drastically, and have avoided interrogating my emotions. It's a bit too scary to try, but I want to try today. Why is it scary... because I don't want to be in love with someone who threw me away... it's not right to choose someone who doesn't choose me back. It's disgusting and tragic.

So why are the feelings worth uncovering? I guess the first layer is that this is a part of my life. I chose to walk beside this person. I realize I need to do this for both people I lost actually. fuck it hurts already :( Okay one layer deeper, let's think... I should know why I was in love with these deeply disturbed and wonderful creatures. Not sure if it's so avoid the same mistakes or something... Or to clarify what I do appreciate in life... there are probably more reasons. Whatever, they'll become apparent when I list them out.

Lets do a brain dump of the things i liked & what i learned from how they evolved, no number limit. ofc it's missing stuff.

one thing that comes up first every time is that emmy was my cute baby. i often felt like a mom raising a precious child with cute cheeks and lovely interests. it was rewarding to see my baby eat well, sleep well, and grow up. idk mixed feelings abt the growing part... i did not enjoy seeing them become a loser with stupid friends and horrible work ethic and the pathetic anime artist dreams that they wouldn't dare to confess. i guess that part is what happened because their inner child was so welcomed. they wanted to hide their thoughts and creations from their mom like they have always done. i don't want to be in this role again with a partner. it was sweet and beautiful in the moments where i get to pinch cheeks and admire my cute baby, but i don't want an actual baby to abuse the relationship. the emotionally immature person that i respected deeply did not respect me back.

what made me want to write this today was a reel where the bf walks on the sidewalk by the street to shield his gf. i remembered that emmy would do this too. that's really precious. i liked a lot of butch behaviors like not being afraid of animals & bugs, the nice sweaters and shirts they would wear, the kind of jock attitude (which i know now is kind of fake, & i feel dumb for wanting to actually do jock things together & they probably judged me for not being good at it even though they were worse tbh.... like when we would go to the gym to run & play badminton... why were they so anti, & then wanting me to just do it by myself...), wanting to eat meat & grill, wanting to explore, playing video games, idk what else. oh, theyw ould puff out their chest sometimes to talk to strangers. i think some of these things made me feel at home and allowed to do them too. i was realizing that i wanted to grow into a more butch/manly person so that i could enjoy things in life like sun on my skin & wind in my hair.

i appreciate that emmy would drive me to school in the morning during those awful two months i worked at PS15. it was definitely me reverting to my childlike behaviors because i was scared. & i don't think they understood that, but they just wanted to do something to help. i know they didn't like seeing me this way at the time, & i think it was probably something on their mind when deciding whether to break up with me or go to penn state. how gross. why can't i show a vulnerable & scared side of myself? i wish they talked to me about my struggles instead of quietly evaluating my performance. that part feels like the dark side of the times i leaned on emmy. they are not a generous or cooperative person. all creatures try to make the best of situations, but they were always focused on maximizing their individual benefit in the immediate situation. that's not who i want to be with. i can't be feeling guilty/ashamed for being taken care of. i trusted that emmy wouldn't judge me and let go of the guilt, but in retrospect i should not have trusted this person because they would look at me with less love and more pity each time they had to lift a finger.

i liked being a girl. i wanted to be called cute & pretty. i liked sharing clothes. i felt accepted in being nonbinary. it was cool to explore sex & romance with another virgin queer. i think i know some things that i love doing because we could be open & silly together. i liked singing karaoke. i dropped this slowly. why did i do this? when we were at penn state together, it felt like emmy was trying to be a girl and resenting me for being a gross engineering man. what was that about...? emmy had repressed gender stuff where they were scared to be a dude in a conservative new place i think... & took it out on me. it's true that i no longer want to be so nonbinary. wow that's weird to write. i still have really queer desires but aspirationally.. i want to be a cool and attractive guy. with emmy, i loved feeling like we are gays & lesbians at the same time. i think i still want that with a pretty boy.

i liked the quiet moments, 1-1 where we could chat & giggle. it felt like we understood each other. we were a good match. i could understand what it was like to grow up in jersey with taiwanese parents. im actually not sure emmy saw into my teenage years the same way. what happened when we met... so the larger question about being understood has one nuanced point where people uncover more about the other person & their preconceived notions are dispelled. i guess in the end, i don't believe that emmy loved the real me more than the person they thought i was. i think emmy had this idea of a pretty person who is really smart & capable, who is a good artist & thinks deeply about mysterious things, who has good self-esteem & has explored the depths of gender more, who is a good cook, who is someone they look up to. i don't want to be looked up to. i want to be admired & appreciated. i think this is the real break that happened in the end, where emmy realized they no longer have the desire to look up to me.

i liked the cute, squishy noodle i could pet. i think i like how a skinny person's stomach feels. i liked laughing & feeling so funny. oh well...

i liked that this person had a deep inner world full of interesting hobbies. in the end, i hated how undisciplined and weak they were about it. & how whenever i would attempt to do any of them together, they would suddenly lose interest. i think they were protecting their self image of being good at things, & reactively running away from being known.

Ok, next one...

i loved looking up to this person. that's really awful. i wanted to get to know em because i looked up to them. i wanted a mentor. they were really scared by this i think which is why we would have vivid moments, but were not super close in college. we would connect really deeply & then not really hang out for months. idk that's just how college kids are though. & i found out later that they are just scared to be close to people anyway. the part that i really understand is that they were also used to being thrown to the side by most, & then having an orbiter once in a while who was only interested in knowing them deeper because they didn't really know em yet. i resolve to be mercilessly uncool when people think i might be cool. even if i really want to know the other person.

i liked em's emotional maturity. they could really battle it out with the demons & emerge victorious. wounded, but still standing & unbroken. sigh.... what happened? i don't know for sure. but i feel so sad for being a battle that was completely lost.

i liked that em was so passionate about food. i wish we did more actual enjoying of food together. it was such a bad start to living together that i would cook for all of us. so dumb of me to keep doing it after em could walk again. i never got to eat the awesome grilled cheese that em would recall from their grade school days. we never made it to vancouver for ice cream & sushi & overseas chinese food culture hat exists nowhere else. i really shut down cooking together while high after the first few months. i think if emmy wasn't there & bellyaching about being hungry after work, i never would have done that. i have so many regrets for prioritizing emmy's wants over my friendship with em.

i liked being family & having intimate talks about the world & our lives. i also liked just chilling nearby. idk. at this stage of my life, i realize that im not looking for this in a friend anymore. i look for friends who just do an activity with me. maybe it's because i have lost hope in friendship. it's too unattached & transactional of a relationship. i no longer believe people can care for each other without strong reasons to AND convenience/fate to be in constant contact, like living on the same street or working at the same place. maybe this is wrong, im not sure.

i liked that em was so appreciative of life. i know it was always a desperate struggle to stay alive. to force themself to want to stay alive. to notice & admire things about life, & then verbalize them & share them with others so that other people can tether the ideas down. this goes for the greatest joys as well as the harshest contradictions. i hate that there was a day that defeated em. that is awful. there's nothing more complex about it other than pure grief.

ok that's enough. is this shadow work? idk what that term means but it feels like im trying to think abt the scarier parts of my thoughts to understand how i work. i think one thing to distinguish is that my thoughts are not my behaviors. im sure i acted in better and worse ways.

Sitting in my Windsor office cube. Decided that my diary isn't gonna write itself. There's too much that happened between now and the last time. Not going to attempt to cover all the details, but some big things include:

Presented & published the conference paper. Lots of ISO people were at the conference, and I got to have lunch with ppl on my team. also talked to a couple cute twinks there, didn't really flirt but I think I was forming the idea that I want to be bolder & smooch the cuties I meet.

graduated from school

tried to get a new company off the ground with Y & K after my co-op ended... we'll see if it goes anywhere

Went to hong kong, shenzhen, guangzhou, and macau with willy in January. honestly it was the best vacation I've had, & he was really nice to me tbh. I had a really good time every day. didn't do p-in-v stuff all trip bc I didn't want to bring anything, but I got hot & bothered as I was dropping him off & fucked him on the floor. I was so turned on & he was leaking everywhere.

Moved to New Haven in February. honestly CT is boring as all hell & expensive for no reason. Met a landscape architect who has become my friend. We've hung out most weeks. Went to watch the city ballet in new york, glass house & grace farms near new canaan, & mystic aquarium.

Saw Sony and Allen in new york, Sony also just came to see me last weekend. Pretty weak on the friend front. Wish I had a couple friends living close by, but idk how that would have happened. I certainly have not been trying very hard, & tbh I don't think anything has changed about the people around me... I'm really not the type that Americans are interested in being close with. People at work have been fun though, & they do seek me out to chat most days which feels affirming to be included. Everyone has serious gfs and fiances/wives, but I developed a small work crush on P who always brings in the best lunches. I was so impressed that he toasted up some birria tacos for lunch, & the consomme looked bomb.

I had a fling with J who I randomly matched with around Yale graduation. We met 3 days that week. On Wed, we went to conveyor belt sushi after work. I had the worst impression bc he was really touchy has we were walking, & I felt kind of triggered by his work on the organizing team of a national service org. He's also besties with K, who was my Q&A buddy during sr year who was more severe & misguided than I used to be. even at the time, I was put off by the liberal, narc-y identity politics. the other thing was that I haven't really hung out with queer/trans ppl since losing my two loved ones last year. I was both sad & relieved to feel myself be that person again. I still feel resistant & want to withhold from embracing who I was. It's just not me anymore. Anyway, we had some wine & I sent him home at midnight. There was a second after I offered to drive him where he just stayed on the couch and didn't get up, and I realized he wanted to hook up. I was actually undecided all day on thursday, but it was like he flipped a switch & I was really pent up. When he came over, we sat outside while I smoked & I asked him if he wanted to, & then the safe sex questions. I liked that he was into the conversation, & then I got my back blown out. Cooked dinner for him the next day & did it again. I liked his really butch faces & the life-or-death thrill when he was hitting me really deep. it hurt deep inside & felt completely out of my control because he was impatient & rough. I think there's a thrill to being completely degenerate, submissive, & feeling like he could rip me but forcing myself to trust him. I didn't like that he got really sulky after I tried to top & he was too tight/unprepared/impatient. He rallied & fucked me so hard after.

Thinking about the person I was last fall feels strange. It's not me anymore. I think the heartbreak & struggle have pushed me through many more internal revolutions. Secretly, I'm really proud to grow at this insane pace in my post-grad life. But I am tired & longing for some deeper everyday satisfaction.

This year I've been laser focused on the two main quests of my early adult life.

Contributing the max to my retirement accts, & invested the rest of my savings into a brokerage. Who knows if financial independence will really be a thing for my generation, or if equities are wise to choose at this point in human history. Bull market has been running strong for a long, long time & the world is going insane. I hope I get a solid 15 years to get mine & transition a bit to physical assets. Y is leaving his job at the end of the month & starting a consulting journey. I'm hoping a second income will come out of this by the end of the year. My short-term investing goal is to hit 200k by 30. I would love to be further along though. Greed & money blah blah.

I'm so boy crazy recently. I really just want someone warm & nice to come home to. I want to share my life with a cute person who I love, & grow up together. The apps have really tanked my self-esteem. There are a couple more hotties in CT than state college, but none of them matched with me. I recently expanded to NYC, but it's been bleak. Everyone is shirtless & has professional model photos. I think the nyc scene is all focused on dating up. The race to be infinitely masc & rich makes the dating scene pretty dull. I've been challenging myself to develop self-efficacy. Some things are forced, like driving long distances for work etc. Some things I avoided/leaned on mom, like scheduling apartment showings & going to the dentist/eye doctor. Three things I did recently that helped. First, I applied for a credit card & they needed me to fax them proof of address for some reason, so I practiced talking to customer service & went to the public library to learn how to use their fax machine. Also helped a chinese lady print stuff so I felt proud about that. Second, I dropped my house key on the ground in the rain before work & spent 30 mins walking around looking for it while panicking. No one was at work, so I left early, went to Lowes, & cut a new key in the afternoon. Third, I went to a museum on my own to enjoy the weekend. Previously, I leaned on meeting up with people, going on dates, or driving back to PA to escape from rotting the whole weekend. But this past weekend, I took myself out to the musem & also pushed myself to run in east rock park. It feels encouraging to challenge myself to take care of my life.

The last thing I'll reflect on briefly is where I'm headed next. I signed a 9-month lease in west hartford starting in august. I think I'll try to find a new job after. Hoping to be remote or in a city that I like. we'll see... not looking forward to being deeper into CT/western MA but I am looking forward to living in a nicer apartment with an onsite gym.

coming to terms that I'm never going to see emmy again. im so disappointed. i cant even remember any good parts abt emmy, just that they are weak and cruel. they are so fearful of their emotions & greedy for any attention or obsession that can distract from the real emotions. go motorboat adeles boobs & shoot guns with ur white friends & draw anime all day long.

went on two dates with this postdoc guy. he grew up in las vegas & his family is from hk. got some sus anti-china vibes but that's pretty average for american-born liberals, esp from the comprador regions. he's such a fucking nerd, and can't figure out how to ask me questions about myself or follow up on something i say. talks about card tournaments, league of legends, critical opinions on drinks & food, & all this silly man stuff. i asked him a lot about the places he's been, & what it was like growing up in las vegas, & he remained pretty closed off. he really didn't try to get to know me, but at the very least i could tell he was listening when i volunteered info. not gonna date another emotionally immature loser. he's 33 but honestly felt like a teenager to me.

we went to get drinks downtown for our first date. at the end, i drove him back from campus because it was so cold out at night. asked him if he wanted a hug before he got out of the car, and he was genuinely elated. he was skipping and bouncing to his front door when he got out. it was kind of cute that he had the best time hanging out with me, but i do not want to be with someone who needs to put in a lot of work to grow up.

second date was stone valley, bird sanctuary, & then we saw a movie (good fortune) at college 9. honestly i was so tired of talking to him by the end & just wanted to touch. i could tell his teeth weren't super well taken care of though which was kind of a turn off, or i might have asked for a kiss. i asked him to reflect on what he wants & write it down for our date tmrw. it's so that he can use his brain to think, and i want to tell him that im only open to fwb, he should try to know me, i want him to brush well, & ask about std related stuff.

anyway. this is what im frustrated about today. other than school work & going to connecticut for a conference & apartment hunting this weekend.

feels like im losing connection with a big part of who i am again. turning the page on a whole new chapter in life. fucking sucks. it's gonna be like this every two years? i don't want that anymore...

yum.

sometimes i have a thought that would scare even satan & then i need to sneeze.

crawling out of the worst breakup. the weirdest thing that i didnt expect to happen was feeling confused about my gender.

soph told me that i was in the most genderqueer t4t relationship. no medical transition or intentional gender performance. we both grew up feeling like we didn't pass for assigned gender bc of chinese features. sometimes felt like lesbians/gays & other times like a straight couple.

anyway the point is, for the first time in years im thinking about my identity. always felt like a straight girl when i was younger, but i think i learned to appreciate embodying a lot of masculine behaviors from emmy. the realization i came to today was that i feel like a trans guy. its kind of dumb, and the even dumber thing is that i feel like this is my type too... guys who have deeply neglected or refused their gender roles.

this is linked to another unexpected thing about growing into adulthood, which has been a complete shift toward conservative attitudes. getting to know my extended family & the communist upbringing that helped them develop healthy physical and mental fortitude made a world of difference in my outlook on life. im suppressing how hyper-aware i have always been about how im perceived. my identity is really the least interesting thing about me & does not limit me. this has done wonders for my self-efficacy. trying to finally let myself be the engaging, warm, sweet, & brave person i should have always been.

Reflecting on feeling so greedy all the time. Feeling like I'm not enough. Feeling like I need to do more, use all my resources, squeeze everything I can out of my time, and push myself to be better. It's destructive and unfulfilling. I don't feel fulfilled in my life by acting this way. Will I one day? I don't think so...

I want to have love in my life. I want to be treasured. I want to live freely and produce my own means for survival. I think this is the path to having good self-esteem and feeling proud of myself. sigh...

Will anyone accept the obligation to love me for the rest of their life? Will they see me at my most fearful or annoying or embarrassing moments and still respect me?

I don't really have other aspirations or reasons to love my life as of late. I feel like my passions are all long dead. The only hobbies I have are hanging out with mom, playing a boring video game or watching tv to pass the time, sleeping, and going to the gym to run a couple times a week. The only thoughts I have fun thinking about are the cute chinese guys I should try to date. It's really cringe... I should accept myself but I also don't want to be this way. What would I even want to do with someone other than hook up..? I don't even like talking anymore...

Spent my weekend so far googling where to live and what masters programs I could do after I move to connecticut for the new job. The results are depressing so far. Not really looking forward to any of it, and feeling kind of negative about how lonely and weird the next few years might be.

Got back from China last night around 2am. Slept all day & woke up in the evening after it got dark. Emmy came to my house late in the evening after picking up mr. hamster from a friend's house. asked me to cut their hair & cut mine so i could "look good" for my job interview in a few days. i asked them if they broke up with me last night. i asked again a bit later as they were leaving. emmy said yes. i felt like they were deciding in the moment & hardening themself up to do it.

i took a shower & couldn't bear it. i drove to emmys house & asked them why. all they could say was that they wanted to be alone for a while. they do love me but they want to do whatever they want without needing to factor me in during this next chapter of life. that i mean a lot to them but this is the end of our relationship. i cant believe emmy can say smth like this. i just took my keys and walked out. emmy was still saying some bs about how i should take care of myself the next few days.

你真是个弱小的王八蛋。可怜又可恨。

yesterday i found out that em died last week on friday. teo & curtis wouldnt say how.

met up with emmy this afternoon & they immediately started crying. i started crying too. emmy said that their gma isnt gonna make it. then they laughed at me for being so empathetic when i just said yesterday that i dont like to match ppls emotions. & went back to crying.

poor baby.

i said yes to returning to scout even tho they wont pay me as much. & the startup guy i met with today said i should go ahead with my idea.

life moves too fast.

i want to stop being this terrible career girl & return to being soft & kind. idk if its possible. im scared of feeling so horrible about myself ever again. sigh... i miss being around friends who really understand me.

trying to take a nap but not really happening. kinda druggy recently... finals are coming up. don't really have a lot of energy to care. i didn't work on anything this weekend.

wondering when i will become interesting & confident. feels like i can't learn everything i want to learn, can't figure out what im interested in anymore, etc..

i spend a lot of time trying to pick paths now. like choosing the best textbook to read, finding all the good things to watch & stuff.. & then i don't have time to do it.

looking forward to the summer.

emmy's friends at school are so boring. hung out with them twice this week instead of doing hw or studying, & both times were highly underwhelming. idk whatever

i want to be competent, i want to feel cool & respected, i want ppl to think im pretty & kind & smart too..

will i get to go on vacation this summer??

man. whatever.

i wish emmy would hang out with me & just chat. they always want to do smth, see someone, etc.

really like escapism recently, many small crushes on grad students, kinda stressed & horni vibe often... wanted to make a game abt journaling abt your feelings & there are hot hot hot deities who read it, & u can think disrespectful thoughts abt them but not touch lol. kind of a lifestyle, 15-mins-every-day walk around town, opportunity to check in with friends & such. maybe u get to read everyone's diary or smth. idk.

i turned 25 today. had a good birthday.

it's been a shit week; feeling down in the dumps bc of school. profs are rude and i don't want to be friends with any of the greasy kids in my major. ready to graduate and go to work.. hopefully things are less stressful this time around.

anyway. woke up to alice calling. she told me abt the reviews that the med students gave her as lead resident, & how they are all great except for one girl who she doesn't like lol. & then she told me abt how there's another resident who ate her tater tots & didn't fess up to it even though it's always her, and then said the tater tots weren't even good haha. silly squirrel coworker is just foraging.

i took care of myself for the first time in a while. brushed my teeth, cut my nails, washed my face, etc. then i went to lunch with mom, dad, & emmy. we went to happy valley brewing co & i saw my old math teacher. food was good.

went to emmys house next and did the next things from the three moods (hungry > horny > sneepy) u know... we hadn't done anything in a while bc emmy had an itchy butt. woke up early evening and the sun was still up. it was so warm outside today.

we drove back to my house and went on a walk through the neighborhood. then ate dinner with mom & dad, & they left to go to a party. emmy & i sang karaoke until 10pm & then emmy went home.

trying to love my life a little more. it's been a hard semester (again) and im really losing steam. no will to change how i feel either, just accepting that school is going to suck & i want to muscle through it by the end of the year.

the point of writing was to say... im receiving blessings. i feel like such a silly loser... i don't take care of other ppl or try to make things right anymore... i don't really care abt morals either... just want to do what benefits me and enjoy what i can in life... and yet. i am still loved by my family. i was thinking abt how the past few years, i have always had a magical birthday celebration. my senior year of college i had a joint party with huailing & emmy brought an awesome peach cake from chinatown that i had been eyeing for months. then in jersey city, we also had a party and em got a beautiful cake from chinatown. and last year when i started school again, mom was out of town and emmy was in nj so dad took me to lunch at hv brewing co.

i don't really remember being celebrated much as a kid, but in recent years i feel really treasured by family. how could i still feel like a loser.. have low self-esteem like this... & think im weak & useless so often when i am actually loved & celebrated? it's crazy how the whiplash i experienced every day between home and public life has shaped my brain. the attitudes & behaviors of other ppl are so extreme. thinking back, those ppl really were just weak adults & dumb kids. not that things have changed.. many ppl are still immature, fragile, and lash out at the slightest provocation. but it's time for me to digest the truth & stop beating myself up whenever i feel mistreated.

forgive & forget all pain. treasure the joys i am offered. not every day needs to count, but that would be nice. hold onto love... never stop following, witnessing, learning, laughing, and loving enormously in return.

today emmy told me that they dont see a future together. emmy wants to go to taiwan after graduating, & im not a part of that. alice & J are probably breaking up soon too.

hard to look past the negative parts of being a degenerate. emmy kept telling me its bc they have low self esteem. that's bs . they dont want to be with someone who loves being a loser. im trying my best to become strong but i dont have the foundations to shine. kicking myself for the mental blocks that held me back for years.

all my efforts are too little too late i guess, maybe toward the completely wrong direction. scared to live the rest of my life. sigh. the feeling of security has vaporized & im as cold & afraid as i ever was before. im still me no matter what.

first day of the spring semester in a few hrs..

what is there to love about life? im not sure i feel it. really beaten down these days. this semester has been so fucking difficult, & im also ashamed to admit that i cant handle it. so immature.

dont know what im working for. dont know what i want to do.. how i want to live. what's meaningful? is it work? is it??

i used to think so highly of myself. now i feel like nothing much. can i be appreciated? can i be seen & loved for who i am? can i exist & can my existence be affirmed every day? some days are okay, other days feel like hell. these r my own choices & im not sure where im going.

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went to see tracy today in pittsburgh. she is living well. bought a nice house, working close to home, better relationship with parents too, & enjoying a good neighborhood. i want to be like her soon. sigh.. cant wait to get out of this mess i got myself into.

meant to write last week but i have been procrastinating. its making me feel rly bad. i have some stuff i need to send to professors weeks ago & its feeling rly burdensome.

anyway.

fucked a dude two weeks ago. he had a big dick & it was cute to feel the wet spot he made on his underwear from kissing me. thinking recently that im so greedy for intimacy.. not just from someone im fucking but from everyone who interacts with me. even with acquaintances, i want to understand each other deeply & care for one another. it's stupid. makes me feel dumb & strange. other ppl r just existing according to environmental circumstances, but im always rejecting that & digging out intense ways to give & receive.

i flew back from visiting emmy in nj on sunday evening, 7/14. got to the airport 2 hrs early & got so nervous waiting & waiting. the boarding time kept getting pushed back every half hour. i got anxious bc it meant that i would miss the last bus from denver to boulder. ended up arguing w united staff & getting on the standby list for another flight. i was 6th & after boarding all the passnegers, they called 5 ppl to go board the plane. pissed. then they came out & called whoever was next, & i knew it was me but this older couple indidted that they were next. the lady was behind me when i went to the counter & she knew it too, she argued that we were there at the same time (bullshit.). there was only one seat left anyway.. her husband wanted to get on without her, and she stopped him, insisting that they get on the same flight. anyway i board, & they can't figure out which is the last empty seat. after holding me by the door for 10 mins, they tell me 10B (nice, close to the front). when i get on i see the most annoying & rude guy from my flight sitting into the seat, & a flight attendant yelling that seat 36E is open. i knew he was seated in 36E but was taking my seat instead. whatever. i walk to the back of the plane & sit down.

when i sit down, i call mom & tell her i finally got on a plane, & complain abt the seat i got in the back of the plane next to the toilet & someone who smells bad. the annoying gate staff come back to find me after 10 more mins & ask why im not in 10B, i say someone else was sitting there & they leave. finally, we take off.

a chinese dude is next to me in the window seat, & he starts chatting me up. says he's going to boulder for work, & he also had a terrible day of delayed flights that ended up moving him to this flight. rly weird fate to end up sitting together. he works in biotech & lives in boston. i ask how he's getting to boulder, & he says he has a rental car. he seems like an honest dude, so i go ahead & ask him for a ride.

we end up talking for the whole flight. we talk abt school & work.. he grew up in queens, studied chemistry for his phd & works in pharmaceuticals. i tell him abt my work, abt lion dancing, & mention my partner. he tells me he's bi, & his gf is too. & that im cute, by the way. tells me that he has an open relationship, & wants to fool around if im free this week. i tell him i'll think about it. i ask him a lot of stuff abt his relationship bc im curious how these two queer chinese immigrant millenials operate. sounds like his gf is just open-minded & likes femme dudes, & he enjoys dl hookups. i think he's kinda cute in the low glow on the plane. i like that he's nerdy & extroverted, & very direct about his thoughts & feelings. our arms r touching for the whole flight bc the armrest was up, & the guy in the aisle seat is huge. it's a bit sweaty & disorienting, but in the low light we r both loosened up to chat.

on the drive back, i ask him abt the logistics. he says he's clean, & he wants me to suck him off. i can tell he's excited to hook up.. he asks me if i want to go to his hotel with him, we don't have to do anything sexual. i refuse bc it's almost 2am & i have work in the morning. i tell him i wont do anything until after i talk with emmy.

i walk to his place the next evening. there's a park between my apartment building & the residence inn. the park is so close but i hadn't walked in that direction before. the sun was setting, & i felt a bit displeased that i was walking 20 mins instead getting picked up via a 2 minute drive. it's just what happens for hookups i guess, especially with repressed, closeted dudes. he didn't want his colleagues noticing.

when i got there, he immediately starts kissing me, & pulls me toward the bed. the sex was okay. i liked how he smelled & felt, but there wasn't anything romantic about it. i also liked that he was rly big & leaked a lot of precum.

afterward, we start chatting a bit & he starts scrolling on ig. a lot of stupif american political propaganda.. biden this, trump that. i ask him to lay with me. i turn into a baby koala. its nice to lay on his chest & feel him all over. sigh.. neither him nor emmy r good at holding me close. he starts to fall asleep, & says i should just sleep over. i tell him he needs to send me home.. i'll sleep over tomorrow.

the next day, i walk over (it's a pleasant walk this time) & we spend the night chatting. he's rly nosy & asks me to show him pictures of everyone in my life. i don't want to though. i think he was a bit nervous to make conversation. i make him answer all his prying questions too. we exchange instagrams, & he confesses that he's actually married. i also tell him honestly that it was fun to hook up, but i like chatting as friends more.

one interesting story he told me was abt the first time he had an orgasm. he said his family was rly poor when he was little & they wouldn't bathe much. he went to a city once & stayed at a place with a good shower, & the pressure running down the front of his dick felt so good. he learned by replicating that sensation. i told him that i touch myself differently than guys do, by pressing down at the base. we didn't do anything sexual, just a bit of squishing, & sometime after midnight we went to bed.

i woke up an hour or two later & started touching him. he woke up too & started rubbing my taint like a pussy. his big hands felt really good, & i thought i was going to cum a few times but i didn't. he came pretty quickly, so i asked him to stroke me instead so i could finish too.

the next morning i left after a hug & a kiss. he sent me a message later in the day telling me that im sweet, and he hopes we'll meet again.

i think im too vulnerable & giving. he is a nice and honest guy, and even he had completely self-serving actions. i don't think i want to change how i behave. i should protect myself, but it's futile to try controlling what happens in life. i think we did genuinely touch each other's hearts, & had the bravery to go for it because of strange circumstances.