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oh my god i almost forgot to tell you all about how, while my dad was visiting, i had an infestation of every single kind of bug in my house that hasn't been a problem before or since. like i'm not kidding i evicted so many creeping crawlies that week and couldn't for the life of me stop mosquitos from stealing my blood, but as soon as he left they vanished. and i mean, sure, there's a perfectly rational explanation, because two people make more mess than one and he has a habit of leaving the windows wide open enough to fly a jet engine through day and night, but i can't help but think how symbolically on the nose it was. the ancestral rot at the heart of my family so gothic it's got ants and flies buzzing around its decaying corpse.

hey so update but i haven't been harassed by a single freaky little beast since my dad left even after leaving some crumbs on the floor as an experiment to see if they attracted any ants so i think my dad might just be bugs actually

“Are you yan4yan-“ I’m mentallyill4mentallyill next question

im in an abusive relationship with myself

ay im useless as fuck i hope that turns you on

unfortunately I'm not normal about this little nerd

you’re in his dm’s. the last four digits of my old home phone number is the combo for his storage locker in which he hides a stolen painting. we are not the same.

like literally i’m just thinking of theo’s massive amount of self hatred and blame for everything in his life from the museum and his mother’s death to the painting and basically everyone’s unhappiness, even his own. and then boris being there in vegas and TAKING CARE of him like not a single human being has done since his mom died. and how boris knows this self hatred and definitely feels it himself (especially when they reconnect, because of the painting) and yet AND YET he does so much for theo not to hate himself for a moment and it literally hurts man. boris, who’s been abused his whole life and was alone before theo, still does all these things no matter the dangers and consequences (insert richard siken quote here). like he’s out here doing drugs with him and making him laugh and forget his worries (which helps them both, even if it’s obviously unhealthy as hell), but he’s also being rough with him and not treating him like he’s gonna break every second like everyone else has before vegas, holding his head under in the pool knowing he’ll yell at him, making him angry and passionate and them fucking around and beating eachother up and then kissing his bloody knuckles while his own mouth is bleeding. and when he can’t come with him he literally grabs his face and kisses him and he has no fucking idea how theo will react to that when they’re sober and out in the open but he does it anyway because it may be his last chance and maybe it’ll hurt less to be apart if they love eachother less. and i’m just thinking about boris being okay with theo hating him as long as he doesn’t hate himself for a second and like i’m not okay?

mfs be like nah I don't need therapy my mental health is good and then go read Goldfinch and romanticize Las Vegas chapters and find Theo "I'm not gay" Decker reletable

the thing about the goldfinch is that recommending it is difficult because i truly believe that the best and perhaps only way to read it is while going through a severe depressive episode yourself. was it a good book? i can't even tell you, all i know is that i read it when i was feeling deeply sad and alineated from the world but at least i had theo decker with me talking about how sad and alineated from the world HE felt. book for and about people so so scared to live. what if we all died wondering???

sex is overrated just break into my home and beat the shit out of me

I know codependency is baaaadd......howeeverrrrrrrrrrrrr