cool story bro. now kiss me on the lips

Girl help I’m in a soulmate au and this stupid red string of fate is telling the fucker my exact location

One of the best parts of tumblr are the conversations that are like "hey can we perhaps start saying normal things again?" replied with "no we're doing cum divination, get with the program."

How can I get a full time job as the wandering stranger that comes into town and gets by on odd jobs and has their face partially obscured by a hood and/or cowboy hat

I like how cats enjoy sitting on the backs of other creatures. They’ll do it to humans if you’re lying on your stomach or crouched down. They’ll do it to horses. They’ll do it to sheep. They’ll do it to big dogs. They just like doing it.

Divorced dads will date varieties of women you had no idea existed, new breeds of people you have not encountered in your entire life. My mom’s boyfriends? Norm McNormalson. Sitcom caricatures of stepdads. A nerdy high school English teacher, the quintessential Appalachian farmboy, an anesthesiologist who was way more into her than she was into him. My dad’s girlfriends were the type of people you could only fathom existing as sitcom side characters. I’m not sure if it’s because the only women who would be interested in pursuing a relationship with him had to be profoundly psychologically disturbed beforehand or if he was the force that pushed these poor ladies over the edge but I never knew the energy of the house I would be walking into during my summer visitation. He had one girlfriend I liked. One single girlfriend who was cool and chill and he broke up with her because she was older than him and smarter than him and he didn’t like that.