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but sometimes, I find myself declaring to the oblivion that I shall make the meek attempt of finding out my true choices, my preferences, my decisions that are solely creeping from the depths of my own miseries and happines alike - non-adulterated, mad, blatant episodes of mania.

It makes me question who did I even fall in love with, the imaginary ideals, the benchmarks that were created by a young teenager girl - someone who hadnt even figured out what kind of food or music she likes, had set her heart on the kind of love she wants. So, it brings me back to wondering - I am still learning about the kind of music i love, the kind of travels i enjoy, the conversations i find interesting, and in all of this figuring out a tiny bit about myself. And the more i learn, the more i realise that maybe, just maybe, I had never truly loved anyone. To love is to see beyond yourself with full awareness of yourself - and I know nothing, like jon snow, I truly know nothing. But we learn, we find out and the process if to maybe figure it out along the way.

Sexuality!! - the dreaded word in the dictionary of anyone who's been raised under a super strict, super patriarchal household. Sexuailty is something you repress, ignore and pretend it doesnt exist, till it hits you like a thuderbolt. What do we do, when we don't know what to do? you come up with a million reasons to justify why it is only reasonable to hold yourself and your sexual urges accountable for every single thought that could lead you astray. You write diaries & journals filling up entries of how you have somehow managed to dodge the sexual ball with one of your 'it's not me!' card. And then finally arrives a day, a moment, a reckoning that all that you were running away from, because patriarchy taught you so, has been running towards you at the speed of a sonic blast. And there you are, face to face with your dreaded supressed Id, your true self, and a natural expression of who you are - and then you just dont embrace that side of you, your devour it with every cell of your being - interlinked.