wassup!!

The way you describe your world becomes your experience of it. If you describe your world with hostile language that’s what you’ll experience. Life becomes a nightmare if that’s how you dream it.

Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Sometimes people tell me that it’s not stupid that I gave everything when I loved her and that I still loved her after that. And I can’t help but cry. I can’t help but cry because I feel like such a moron that I let myself be defenseless and I let this person know all of my weaknesses and my entire heart and now, she doesn’t even care about my existence and this is the person I loved with all of my heart and trusted my whole being with. I gave her everything I had and even more. It’s so foolish but I’m thankful when people don’t call me stupid because I want to believe there’s someone I can give my entire being to and trust wholeheartedly. They’ll take my weaknesses and pains and be beside me even at my worst. Because people leave me when I hit my worst. They always do. I’m annoying, I’m invasive, I’m insecure, I’m overly jealous, and I’m needy and all of these stupid things. I’m selfish and I overthink. And people leave. People leave so quickly. The one I love stops caring about me and loving me. In fact, they probably might even have someone new in their heart. And now, they just see me as some burden in their life that was easier to get rid of. And it damages me so much and I don’t wanna tell anyone the truth anymore and everything would be okay if I lied and kept my weaknesses and my insecurities away from the world. Everything would be okay if they only saw me smiling. If I had never told anyone what was in my heart, certain people would still like me and want to be around me. But because I opened up to them and I showed them my messy heart and my weaknesses, they left. So. I cry when someone tells me I wasn’t stupid. That I deserve friends and someone who will stay by me regardless of what I become. That I’m worth something and that my love is something special. I cry. Because that’s the only thing I can do when I’m told I’m not a moron.

Why do I even bother going to all the places where we made memories? The ones that now haunt me every day? It’s to teach myself how to be okay, with the fact that you’re gone for good and that it’s okay to make new memories, in all the places where you’ve left your traces.

7 women i could never forget. 1. it was all about experiences. it was a necessity for you to feel. diamonds and gold didn’t move you as much as books and flowers. you liked wine in the morning, and coffee in the evening. you liked beethoven when you were happy, and trap music when you were sad. your laugh was light, but your mind was heavy. you spent so much time dreaming, and not enough time living in the moment. 2. your eyes were enchanting, but the words that came from your lips were even more captivating. gospel to the soul. water to the mind. i remembered every small detail about you, even though you thought it wasn’t important. funny thing is, you didn’t feel important, you didn’t know your purpose. if only you knew the power that existed in the little things you said and did. you’re a goddess. you’ll make a fine mother some day. 3. you were always a volcano waiting to happen, but somehow i was drawn to that. i was drawn to your passion, your spirit, your exuberance. i thought it was beautiful, they felt indifferent. they kept their distance because they thought you were destructive. they didn’t understand you, but i did. amidst all the confusion, i still chose you, but you chose to push me away. you left burns on my soul and left me picking pieces of myself off the ground. my mother always taught me not to play with fire. i wish i listened. 4. miss crystals and sage. miss zodiac. miss what is your moon, sun and rising in? miss let me see your chart, so i know it’s real. you’re appreciated. you taught me so much. your spirituality fueled me. your oneness with yourself inspired me. your awareness opened me, but your over analyzing closed me. you inadvertently disposed of me. ego killed our connection. can you imagine how far we would’ve gone if we both just swallowed our pride? 5. my first love. my soul mate. you opened my eyes to things that i didn’t even know existed. you opened my senses to feelings that i never even knew could be felt. our connection was intense, even though we weren’t together for long. but it’s hard to write about you. it’s hard to string together sentences and talk about you. a part of me feels like you don’t deserve my words, because you left without saying a word. 6. there is so much to you. i have seen the light and dark sides, the sun and the moon, but everything is undeniably beautiful. there was a gentleness about you, even in your rough moments, a softness about you, even after the way the past treated you. but i was young, naive, immature. i didn’t quite understand what love or friendship was. i didn’t quite understand myself. but you’re a good person, an angel. i hope you found someone who compliments your spirit. 7. strange. it never moved past friendship, but i’m glad that it never did. we were always better off as platonic companions. we mixed together well, without adding romance to the pot. it’s ironic that the reason we don’t talk as much anymore is because we decided not to take that plunge into the unknown. i miss your smile, your humor, your friendship. but i also understand that it’s okay to love someone from a distance.

I’m living within my memories, drowning in my realities.

me next year in the animation class