The Conversion of Saint Paul, 1682, Bartolome Esteban Murillo

Having followed many tradfem accounts recently, I’ve noticed many “tradfems” put down women who are not perfectly in the “feminine” box they’ve created, putting down “tomboys,” and putting down working mothers. Now, personally I am very feminine (although I know of some who would claim I am otherwise by their standards) and I would LOVE to be a stay at home mother one day, but some of you are just hurting my heart.

Feminity is strength. It is bridled strength. Gentle. Nurturing. These are attributes of feminity. Things like cooking, knitting, wearing dresses, staying home, etc are often the manifestation of these feminine traits, but they are not the feminine traits themselves.

I was very much a tomboy growing up. I loved playing with hot wheels and nerf guns. Having grown up in the country, we were always running around outside getting dirty and playing in the mud and jumping on hay bales. I wore my older brothers’ hand-me-downs all the time (I still have a few of their old sweaters I wear). As I grew up, I grew into my feminity. I love wearing dresses now—I wouldn’t have been caught dead in one before. I love baking. I love taking care of children. But honestly, I’m still very much a “tomboy” in some ways. I still love being outside and getting dirty and camping. I still like to just be comfortable and dress down sometimes. (Sweatpants for the win!) I love makeup, but sometimes I’ll go weeks without wearing any too. It all just depends.

If you live on a farm, you probably aren’t gonna be dressed like a 1950s housewife at all times. Much like how you dress for the weather, you Also gotta dress for your day accordingly. Sometimes you just gotta throw your hair up and put on some old clothes and get dirty. This doesn’t make these women less feminine. There’s been a time or twelve where I’ve come in greasy and dirty, but you best believe by the time I’m done washing up I smell like roses. Although my house and lifestyle growing up didn’t look like the front cover of Home and Gardens, we still had a clean home that was warm and we always sat down together for home cooked meals every night. THAT is feminity on display.

Every woman has her own personality and interests. It’s fine if you want a job. It’s fine if you don’t like dresses. You are not a bad mother or failing in your feminity just because you have a job. Some people have jobs because they want them, some because they need them. And that’s okay. Along that same trail of thought: you aren’t failing in feminity just because you don’t care to wear a dress. That’s purely aesthetic. A lot of feminine women love to look the part and that’s fine. I LOVE to wear dresses. They do make me feel pretty. I wear them to work quite a bit in the summer. I love to get all dressed up and feeling cute. And I highly encourage women who want to do so... to do so. I love talking about these things and encouraging them! But half my closet is still flannels. And I am not any less feminine because of it. It’s called practicality. And comfort.

I love learning new recipes and wearing dresses and the color pink. I do. I get it. And I love following and learning from people who also love these things. BUT I am not okay with acting like you MUST enjoy these things to be feminine. Many of these things are purely aesthetic. It’s fine if the 1950s housewife if your aesthetic. I encourage you to blossom however makes you happiest! But feminine women existed well before 1950 and feminine women still exist today. They do not have to fit the small mold that I’ve noticed many “tradfems” have created on here. It is disheartening and misguided at best.

You work. Tirelessly. Constantly. And you embrace that fight, day in and day out, because it not only benefits you, it benefits your people. And it pays itself forward. People will see how your labor affects your relationship with your spouse, with your kids, with your coworkers, and [good people, real people] will emulate that.

You don’t whine, you don’t complain. You put your head down and you go to fucking work.

You don’t have problems, you just have more work to do. And if you do have problems? You’re okay, because the people those problems are affecting need you to be okay. That doesn’t mean you don’t close the doors, go for a drive, walk out into the dark, cold woods and scream your agony into the universe. It means that you are Okay for those that need you to be okay.

You understand that bad things happen, but you respond in a way that is constructive. You don’t wallow in your mistakes, your irritation, your annoyance. You overcome and adapt.

You’re humble. Success breeds confidence, and confidence, untempered, leads to arrogance. You face the potential of true problems: losing a loved one, your child growing an incurable illness or debilitating sickness. Things that would make not only your heart stop, but your entire world come to a grinding halt. Then you go back to work, building the best life you can for those you care about, knowing that it all may fall apart one day.

You’re disciplined. Win or lose, top of the podium or bottom of the pack, you wake up the next morning and you keep striving to become better. Whether it’s better as a parent, a spouse, or any other pursuit, you wake up and give everything you have to that thing.

You sure as fuck don’t write songs about being a savage, nor do you go on social media proclaiming you are the alpha wolf, the packleader, or the King Dick of the Land. These proclamations are for the insecure, the petty, and the weak.

Stay strong, keep your heads down, and do the work.