Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?

Pretty enough, smart enough, nice enough, cool enough, mentally stable enough, fun enough

And then a year ago I was told I gained too much weight and it made me too unattractive to have sex with

And I really just held on to that and now I don’t know if I can ever have sex with anyone again unless I know they truly are a safe person to be with

And I am really at a point now where I can say that I want it so so bad, I want to find someone to feel safe with, to know it’s me they’re attracted to and not just a certain way my body is supposed to look

And I do agree with her. I don’t think I’ve ever been loved back in a relationship. Truthfully I don’t even think the other person even really liked me. I was just kind of a means to an end. A filler. An object to be used. But there wasn’t really love, especially in the way I need or deserve

My issue is the part where she said I’m looking for it. I know the right kind of love will come to me in time, but I shouldn’t be looking. I should be waiting and let it find me

But I guess looking can be in the form of me turning on the light and letting it guide someone, rather than me continuing closing myself off and being unwilling to open my eyes to what may even be right in front of me

Idk I really just talk outta my ass sometimes, I don’t even know if I mean half the things I say about my feelings on this subject, or if I’m just saying it to try and convince myself that it’s true

And while I do have my reservations and worries with maybe one day having sex again, the horny demons have taken over my body in a way that is so unholy and unnatural like I want to be fucked and touched and caressed and WORSHIPPED

But weeks like this, where I’m feeling so incredibly alone, the thought of having someone who loves me here by my side starts to creep out of the box that I thought I had nailed shut in my head.

The thought of having to be vulnerable with someone though scares the hell out of me.

It would take a really special person to break down that wall, but at least the cracks are there now. I don’t feel it’s a good thing, but maybe it’s not too bad.

I almost want to go back to being completely on lockdown with those types of emotions

Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m at a point where I wouldn’t be against dating someone again, but I’m so particular about what I want now so I feel it may be rather hopeless

And yet I do still have this deep desire to be seen and wanted in a way that I deserve.

I also have not had sex in almost a year, or even been touched sexually in that long, so that probably is why I’m beginning to want romance again. My rule of thumb now is I won’t have sex until I’m with someone I trust, and am already dating and they are committed to me.

So it’s probably just the hormones talking that’s filling my head with all these conflicting emotions surrounding relationships and dating and sex