A Not-So-Hidden Mess

Me: That is correct.

Customer: I want to do that Buy 3, Get 3.

Me: Alrighty! *Rings up six bags of soil*

Customer: No, I want the Buy 3, Get 3.

Me: How many bags do you want to go home with?

Customer: Six in total. I’m only buying the three.

Me: The Buy 3, Get 3 is why each bag is half off. You buy two sale bags for the price of one regular bag, four for two non-sale bags, and the six bags for the price of three non-sale bags.

Customer: No. I am buying three bags, getting three free.

Me: There’s no such thing as something free, ignore the advertisement you saw. If I ring you up for three bags, the loader will only load three bags. If you want six bags, I have to charge you for six bags. Each bag is only half off, though. So instead of paying $5 for each bag, you’re paying $2.30 for each bag.

Customer: It says $2.30 on your screen. Half is $1.50.

Me: The system has already calculated the sales price, ma’am. It’s normally $4.98.

Customer: No.

Me: Unfortunately, yes.

Customer: You’re a scam! A cheat! A liar! I’m calling your boss and reporting you for fraud!

Me: Have fun with that. You’ll be the thirtieth person to threaten me with that in the past two weeks.

Customer: *grumbling, setting plants on my counter* These were on the discount rack. 90% off.

Me: *not missing a beat* They’re 90% off with the purchase of a bag of soil or mulch, as the sign states. Would you like me to ring you up those bags of soil from earlier?

Customer: Fuck you, and I hope you rot in hell with your horrible attitude and inability to give the customer what they want. They’re always right! I will see to it you’re fired!

Me: Only in matters of taste, as the full saying goes. Please have a wonderful day, ma’am, and watch out for puddles on your way out. The ground is uneven and slippery right now.

Customer: Oh, I just bet that was your doing too, wasn’t it?

Me: Of course. How many bags do you want?

Customer: I want the 6.

Me: Of course, let me ring that up-

Customer: No, I don't want 12 bags. I want 6. Why are you ringing me up six?

What I want to say because it'll get me fired, no matter how true it may feel at the time: Because the marketing department doesn't understand the kind of stupidity their sales team has to deal with when they make misleading signs like that because a good deal of the customers we deal with have a single smooth brain cell and an empty abyss it can't bounce off of to make thought. Want to complain? Talk to corporate. They have a public number, I think.

What I actually say: Please ignore that sign, it's written to be misleading. Every bag is half off while the sale lasts, no matter how many you buy. It's like the 5 for 5 on the pint-size flowers- every flower is 1 dollar, regardless of how many or how few you get. How many bags of 50-% off soil would you like?

Customer: I want the Buy 3, Get 3 deal. It's literally hanging right outside the gate. You can see if from right here! Buy three bags of soil, get three bags of soil free. Free- as in, I don't pay for them.

Me: Ignore that sign, it's written to be misleading and if I wouldn't get fired for it, I'd have torn that sign down day one. All that sale really means is that every bag of that type is half off, no matter how many or how few bags you buy.

Customer: Then it shouldn't say Buy 3, Get 3. I want to purchase my three bags and get my additional three bags with it.

Me: I agree. It's written stupid, but if you want to get three bags without a purchase, you'll need to talk someone higher up. Would you like to me call the person who can make that sort of call?

Customer: Yes.

The assistant store manager, who has been in the register next to me this whole time helping with the massive backlog of customers, without even looking away from the customer they're helping: Denied. Every bag is half off, I cannot override that. If you want a total of six bags, buy six bags. You're getting those six bags for the price of three bags. i.e., you're getting your discount. it should say "Buy 6 for the price of 3" or something like that, but common sense has failed the US in recent years. You can talk to corporate, or you can talk to your local politicians to change the education system around here.

Coworker, leaning over the register divider without so much as a ;by-your-leave' or 'as-you-do': Corporate extended the sale.

Me, bubble burst. No longer zen. No longer bliss. Cold, pure dread filling my heart: ... Which sale.

Coworker: You know the one.

Me: No.

Coworker: Yes.

Me: No.

Coworker: Yes. Another two weeks. The 90% sale on the discount plants is also still ongoing because the department supervisor wants those plants out. Give 'em for free if we gotta, they just have to buy a bag of mulch or soil

Me: Fuck.

Coworker, mock gasp: You don't say. Also, you better watch your language young lady! That kind of talk gets people fired around here. Don't you remember our other coworker?

Customer, who walked up who knows when. I don't think either of us noticed them until they spoke: Uh... Can I get that Buy 3, Get 3 deal that's going on...?

Coworker, not missing a beat and turning to the customer with a smile that is unnatural at 8am: That sign is a marketing lie, don't fall for the ploy! That 'get 3' is still something you have to pay for.

Customer: That's stupid.

Coworker: Yep. Every bag is, however, half off. Regardless of the amount you get.

Customer: So if I buy a single bag...

Coworker: $2.30, minus tax. You bring home one bag.

Customer: And getting that free bag...

Coworker: For the sake of inventory, I have to add the second to your bill. However, because every bag is half off, you are buying those two bags for a grand total of a single bag when it's not on sale, minus tax. Hence the 'free' part. Blame clever age-old marketing in an era where brain rot is a literal on-going epidemic. No love for the classics these days.

Customer: ... I don't understand.

Coworker: The bags, or the brain rot?

Customer: ... Yes.

Me: That is correct.

Customer: I want to do that Buy 3, Get 3.

Me: Alrighty! *Rings up six bags of soil*

Customer: No, I want the Buy 3, Get 3.

Me: How many bags do you want to go home with?

Customer: Six in total. I’m only buying the three.

Me: The Buy 3, Get 3 is why each bag is half off. You buy two sale bags for the price of one regular bag, four for two non-sale bags, and the six bags for the price of three non-sale bags.

Customer: No. I am buying three bags, getting three free.

Me: There’s no such thing as something free, ignore the advertisement you saw. If I ring you up for three bags, the loader will only load three bags. If you want six bags, I have to charge you for six bags. Each bag is only half off, though. So instead of paying $5 for each bag, you’re paying $2.30 for each bag.

Customer: It says $2.30 on your screen. Half is $1.50.

Me: The system has already calculated the sales price, ma’am. It’s normally $4.98.

Customer: No.

Me: Unfortunately, yes.

Customer: You’re a scam! A cheat! A liar! I’m calling your boss and reporting you for fraud!

Me: Have fun with that. You’ll be the thirtieth person to threaten me with that in the past two weeks.

Customer: *grumbling, setting plants on my counter* These were on the discount rack. 90% off.

Me: *not missing a beat* They’re 90% off with the purchase of a bag of soil or mulch, as the sign states. Would you like me to ring you up those bags of soil from earlier?

Customer: Fuck you, and I hope you rot in hell with your horrible attitude and inability to give the customer what they want. They’re always right! I will see to it you’re fired!

Me: Only in matters of taste, as the full saying goes. Please have a wonderful day, ma’am, and watch out for puddles on your way out. The ground is uneven and slippery right now.

Customer: Oh, I just bet that was your doing too, wasn’t it?

Me: Of course. How many bags do you want?

Customer: I want the 6.

Me: Of course, let me ring that up-

Customer: No, I don't want 12 bags. I want 6. Why are you ringing me up six?

What I want to say because it'll get me fired, no matter how true it may feel at the time: Because the marketing department doesn't understand the kind of stupidity their sales team has to deal with when they make misleading signs like that because a good deal of the customers we deal with have a single smooth brain cell and an empty abyss it can't bounce off of to make thought. Want to complain? Talk to corporate. They have a public number, I think.

What I actually say: Please ignore that sign, it's written to be misleading. Every bag is half off while the sale lasts, no matter how many you buy. It's like the 5 for 5 on the pint-size flowers- every flower is 1 dollar, regardless of how many or how few you get. How many bags of 50-% off soil would you like?

Customer: I want the Buy 3, Get 3 deal. It's literally hanging right outside the gate. You can see if from right here! Buy three bags of soil, get three bags of soil free. Free- as in, I don't pay for them.

Me: Ignore that sign, it's written to be misleading and if I wouldn't get fired for it, I'd have torn that sign down day one. All that sale really means is that every bag of that type is half off, no matter how many or how few bags you buy.

Customer: Then it shouldn't say Buy 3, Get 3. I want to purchase my three bags and get my additional three bags with it.

Me: I agree. It's written stupid, but if you want to get three bags without a purchase, you'll need to talk someone higher up. Would you like to me call the person who can make that sort of call?

Customer: Yes.

The assistant store manager, who has been in the register next to me this whole time helping with the massive backlog of customers, without even looking away from the customer they're helping: Denied. Every bag is half off, I cannot override that. If you want a total of six bags, buy six bags. You're getting those six bags for the price of three bags. i.e., you're getting your discount. it should say "Buy 6 for the price of 3" or something like that, but common sense has failed the US in recent years. You can talk to corporate, or you can talk to your local politicians to change the education system around here.

I have been having so much fun, you don't understand.

So far it's been a wild series of "Can I- Yes I can- oh my fucking god, why did the creator allow us to do this?!". The 'Press Start' was changed to 'I'm Sorry', but let me tell you: There's no need to apologize. This has been a hilarious set of chaos and dumb-humor.

You wanna guess what my very first thought was upon getting the ability to use Cut? It was to see if one the very first NPCs I can interact with had a "You can't do that!" thing. It did not.

I have not only given a scammer my trainer ID for pop-up ad wallpapers, but I have also given myself a legit criminal history.