Nacho's Nonsense

I have abandonment issues that have once again been realized. I know it’s nobody’s fault, but I feel like a sacrificial lamb. I’m 38 years-old. I should be able to deal with this stuff, but I can’t. I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m not strong enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not good-looking enough to keep up the fight.

Fade Into You - Dinosaur Jr. cover of Mazzy Star

That thing where you're at work and you get an email that says that you blew a toll (#42 at 294 and 57) in a work rental car in November and you tried to tell them at the time that there was no physical way to pay that toll and that that you needed to know what to do about it and they told you to wait for the bill and then several months pass and the bill comes and the business office sends you an email with a note attached that says that work is not responsible for the bill and that you need to pay it and the bill (75 cents plus a $10 late fee) is attached as a PDF and mentions that this is they have previously contacted your work and they have not yet received payment and you call the person who sent you the email and they say, "I'm not calling you I liar, but there's always a physical way to pay the toll." and you have to go online to look it up to defend your honor and you can't believe that someone would say that to you...

I have about 47 things that I really need to get off my chest, but I can't find the time and/or the place and/or the nerve to do so.

So much psychic energy out there right now. I need to learn to go with it rather than trying to control it.

Previous people who've played this cosmic trick on me include John Popper (of Blues Traveler fame) and Ariel Sharon.

I have visited CERN and they have sections of the accelerator you can look at. It's a mess—to you and me—wires and tubes. This has not been built for consumers. There's no pink model; there will not be a thinner and lighter 2.0; and Nike is not sponsoring a limited edition line. In other words—no safety measures in place for rogue urinators.

That, my friends, is how you end a weekend.

Totally not zoned while listening to this. Totally lying because it's not cool to be a sober, square grown-up who loves Ween and I'm terrified of being judged.

Oh, sure. I felt like bawling like a baby tonight.

I am completely and utterly overwhelmed, and I have no business being so.  The house is a mess.  My work lately is sub-par, and that's an understatement.  I have dropped out of school.  Again.  I have been flying off the handle whenever anything is asked of me because I feel like it's too much.  I am tired of having to follow-up on absolutely everything.  I am tired of people having to follow-up on everything I do.  I feel like I am incapable of keeping up with the demands of life and I am actually quite scared.  I don't have time for it.  But here it is.  I know that I am letting people down left-and-right.  It's not supposed to be this way.  I am a 37 year-old man.  I am supposed to be able to cope with what life has dealt me.  Truth be known, I have it better than most people.  I have a roof over my head, a loving wife and daughter, food, two cars, and a nice dog.  I don't know what to do about it.  I have been working with a counselor for a couple of months and it works for a few days, but then I seem to be right back to where I was.  Suggestions have included buying a planner, which I have, but seem to be incapable of using; and mindful positive thinking, but I think if I were capable of that, I would be using it already.  Lately when people have been asking, "How are you doing?" or some variant of that, I've been trying my best to answer honestly without appearing too emotional, or needy.  So I'll say something like, "pretty stressed," or "kinda overwhelmed," but I dread follow-up questions like, "Oh, what's been going on?" because my actual problems seem so insignificant in the larger picture.  It's just that there are so many little ones and I feel like I can't keep up with any of them.  Not even breaking them down into a step-by-step list, because those become so unwieldy that I can't even begin to fathom where to begin.  I think I might be having a Chappellesque nervous breakdown, but I don't have millions of dollars and unlimited time to find myself in Africa or Ohio or wherever the hell he went.  Oh well.  It will get better.  One day at a time and all that.  Sigh. 

For more information on Grand Funk, consult your school library."

Enables your riotous laughter.