it's all yuri to me

So yesterday - it was kind of a terrible day, got dramatic - I was cooking dinner in the kitchen over here and I look outside and I see this dog in the backyard. And I get a closer look and I realise that it's a.  pig. 

And so naturally I went outside to look at the pig. Upon, uh, visualising the pig, I see a woman running down the street with a lasso in hand. And within the first few minutes I realise that she'd never had really any proper lasso training in her background, or any like... roping preliminaries. Because she was just kinda like aimlessly throwing this thing at the pig. 

So I said "Is this your pig?" 

And she said "Yes it - well, it's my boyfriend's pig, and he's at work, so I'm trying to catch it. Will you help me?" So naturally I said, "of course" And so me and her spend the next hour chasing the pig around. I had a kayak paddle [cut to POV shot of him sprinting down the road holding a big unwieldy paddle] and I was trying to box the thing in and I asked her 'will it bite me' and she said it might, so. 

At that point I determined that I wasn't going to actually try to grab the pig if I got close enough. So every time it would run by me I would just make loud noises to make it seem like I was trying to catch it. [POV of him stalking the pig through the woods. When it runs past him, the narrator distractedly shouts "HUBRAP!"] 

About an hour and thirty minutes into chasing the pig the boyfriend shows up. On foot. With a rifle. And at this point I've been driving a golf cart around so I have the only means of transportation. So he gets into the golf cart with me [POV shot of him loading the kayak paddle into the golf cart] and we are chasing the pig around.

And I didn't realise what the plan was, it should have been obvious at the time, but it didn't hit me until I saw him ask people "Can I shoot this pig in your backyard?" And these are my neighbours.

[Cut to video:

Boyfriend: I'm going to talk to this guy and see if he's alright if I shoot a gun in his backyard. 

Narrator: ...Okay

Narrator: You want me to come with the paddle?

The boyfriend's response is cut off]

And surprisingly the neighbours were saying 'yes', so he just posted up in random peoples' backyards taking shots at this pig. And he's missing shots, like. I'm chasing this pig around with a kayak paddle [POV of him holding the paddle while full-on sprinting down a side street, feet slapping hard on the pavement, the pig absolutely flooring it ahead of him] It looks like bad bodycam police footage...

At one point we had the pig in the water, and uh. I thought for sure we had it then but it turns out we didn't [POV of the pig launching itself out of a marshy pond. You can hear loud splashing. The narrator and his paddle stumble back, and sprint off after the pig]

Altercations started at around 5pm. At around 7:45pm we had the pig back where it all started, in my front yard. The gentleman had the pig in his scope. He says something like 'permission to deploy lethal firearm at pig' I said something like 'permission granted', he shoots it, the pig falls over dead. 

He says "Hey listen, I'll be back in 30 minutes to an hour with a truck, to pick the pig up and take it back to process it". I said "okay, I'll be in my house, just kind of processing everything" and he said "okay". 

So 45 minutes later I get a knock on the door, I walk outside, no truck in sight. But he's standing there with a little wagon. And it's him and this other guy. And the other guy's like, "my blood sugar's low right now, so I can't help pick the pig up, so we're going to need you to help." And I said "that makes sense."

We put it in the wagon, and that's when the guy says "oh. It's still alive."

So he's like "Oh, do you have your gun?" And the other guy's like "No, do you have yours?" And he's like "no."

At this point I was like, "Listen guys. I have a gun that I use. It's made for like, backcountry hiking, for like bears and stuff, I'm sure it'll take care of the pig." So I go get my gun, I give it to him, I'm like "I'm not shooting my gun, you shoot the gun. We get arrested, it's on you, it's not me." So he shoots the gun.

And this whole time they're talking about some lady named like. Stephanie or something? They're like "oh if Stephanie finds out, we're in trouble..." And they're looking at me like "You're the property owner. if Stephanie wants to come here and yell at us you have to tell her like, 'you're not allowed on my property'."

So at this point, I'm like... My job is to deliver the firearm, and to make sure Stephanie doesn't come on the property. So they're over there shooting this very very loud gun, on the property. I'm looking for Stephanie, I don't know what she looks like but I'm looking for her. 

Meanwhile, another - a lot of commotion's going on, there's people shooting a pig in the front yard at the lake. But this other guy comes over, and he's like...a pig killing specialist, I guess, in his past life? And he was like "Oh a gun's never going to kill that pig, you gotta take a -"

And if you don't like graphic stuff, exit out here, ok? Just... just warning you.

He's like "You gotta take a knife and you gotta slit its neck here and here [along the carotids] and let it bleed out to death." So. I. hhhh. I go get a kitchen knife, hand it to the kid. He's putting it up to the thing's neck, and he just like... He slits the neck right here and here [carotids] and, ah. 

For the next probably 45 minutes it bleeds out in the front yard, ah, which is probably the most amount of blood I've ever seen in my entire life. Just pooling up in the front yard. Uh, it's still there actually, and they told me it's going to smell really bad so to pour like bleach on it or something, to kill it.

But...So I went to pour bleach on it this morning. But there's like packs of dogs that have been coming in the yard and feeding on the dried blood. So I didn't want to pour bleach on it 'cause I don't want the dogs to die. So it's just... I'm in this weird situation now. Um. 

So if anybody's ever been through anything like this before, and has any advice or tips on how to get the ... roughly probably like ... I don't really know ounces that well, but I would say it's in the thousands of ounces. Maybe not? I don't know ounces. I shoulda said gallons. If anybody's been in a situation like this before and you kinda know how to clean up a pile of blood in the front yard, let me know. Thanks.

@kaiju-lightning

honestly I think the one that will haunt me with how obviously pnw it is was that I described a mountain on an alien planet as being "out" that day. Several. Times.

binghe: what if.... i wasnt as good a person as you think? would you still spend time with me, yuan ge? sorry just forget i said that...

And even though money is pretty tight for her, she told me I could name my price if I would help her, because it was so far away.

I told her she was a dummy for thinking i would take her money but that i would accept the traditional helping-a-friend-move price: a meal (i know she would feel wrong about herself if she didn’t do something for me in return, that’s just how she is) Tradition suggests pizza and beer, we opted for enchiladas and a margarita.

we crashed on the floor of the empty place and left back north in the morning - when we got back to the city three more friends met us at her storage place (the place she was moving into wouldn’t be vacant for a couple months) and we started to move all her stuff up to a storage room on the THIRD FLOOR (because large city storage places be like that)

we had just taken the first box out of the truck when the (only) lady working there walked by and told us they closed in an hour and twenty minutes, and she couldn’t stay even a little late because she had to get to her other job.

One hour twenty minutes. To completely un-jenga a large uhaul and re-tetris it back into a similar sized room on the third floor.

We all just, shared a look, took off hoodies, and got the fuck down to business. 

It was actually.. I still cherish look we passed around. The tiny eyebrow quirks and chin nods. The eye glints. The bigger breath we each took as we prepared to kick it up several gears. That moment of wordless connection, when we all just silently agreed that we were damn well going to do the impossible and didn’t even waste the time it would take to say anything, just got to it.

And we did it too. Finished with exactly two full minutes to spare. And then we all went for dinner and drinks to celebrate. And my friend’s friends that came to help? Two of them were acquaintances/friends of mine already. Like I lived with one for a year a decade ago sort of thing. But this experience? Brought us all closer. Made myself a new friend too.

And the friend i helped move? She and I are closer than ever because of it.

When i left our storage success diner to go home, she asked me again if I was sure i wouldn’t take any money.

I said “I ever tell you when I was 22 I went down to Hollywood to try that scene out? Anyway ten months later, when I just couldn’t do it anymore, and needed to come back, I called one of my best friends and said i can’t do this anymore i need to come back. You know what he said? He said: I’ll be there tomorrow. Not how much will you pay me, not what do i get out of it, not will you be able to cover my gas, just: I’ll be there tomorrow. Okay? You’re my friend. If you need help, I’m going to be there”

Twice in my youth (once in high school and once in college) I was in situations where I was asking someone out and I could tell they were calculating in their heads the risks of rejecting me, and both times I said, out loud, "you can say no, I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't prepared for either answer." And then they said no. This wasn't some spark of special wisdom I had - I knew to do it because feminist conversations among my age group brought it up regularly. This isn't happening nearly enough anymore.

More recently, I was really glad when we got to "rejection sensitive dysphoria" in my IOP program and it was one of those symptoms where the therapists really emphasized how it affects others. Because it does.

there’s sixteen Colorado counties that their most searched was “wolf furry”, plus thirty-odd counties (not counting either Arapahoe or any of the ones marked here as “Insufficient Data”) which may well have had plenty of searches for “wolf furry”, just fewer than for whatever they’re labeled here

and “skunk furry” searches in Arapahoe County outnumbered “wolf furry” searches in the entire state of Colorado

Every fifth MDZS textpost: nobody understands the Themes