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your father is loud, what else is there to say? he is a man, nothing more, nothing less. you hear his voice carry up the stairs where it nestles between the two of you, growing and growing and digging sharp corners into your wrists until you have to seperate, transform into two normal people as he tells his mom about the new quentin tarantino flick.
why do teenagers head to the streets, forcing the respectable nine-to-fivers to gaze upon our foreheads, shiny with grease, and our clothes, awkward with love? itās simple. your house is filling up inside with tense words and loud men, and complaints of headache until the walls are buckling and the windows threaten to break, and well, you, and by extension her, and just another mouth to feed and you feel bad for the burnt out bathroom light and the door that doesnāt close properly.
in the confines of your neighbourhood you are trying to float up into the sky. printed walmart blouses ask about your post-secondary plans and you dream of responding āi am going to the moon, i am going to bring a girl who doesnāt know where wyoming is but neither do i so itās all okayā.
like a mantra you repeat to yourself, āsoon we will be happy soon we will be happy soon we will be happyā but it starts to escape into the cold november air and you didnāt bring a coat.
your name on her lips feels like a promise you canāt uphold. coming out of your fatherās mouth, a promise he didnāt mean in the first place. and, well, your grandmother doesnāt say your name because between all the hereditary illnesses that make you quake in fear, she doesnāt really speak much anymore.
you wonder what they would say if they knew, and then you plunge your hand back in your jacket. sure, he likes bronski beat but it isnāt enough.
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you wake early every day. you canāt help it, even when youāre so tired every grain of stardust in you is begging. youāre begging for something, too. but no matter where you are, no matter what identical motel, you have to see the sky. life is slow, so you have to move fast. or is it the opposite? you canāt remember. plunge into the freezing water, choke in the smoky air. everywhere you go is alive, even in among the fluorescent plastic and gasoline fog. a life like this ensures you never have to dream, itās just darkness of the edge of the world, then colour on the side of the road. like flipping a switch, heās flipping a script. but even when you donāt dream, you dream. you start to picture a little house that the government doesnāt know about. sometimes heās there, sometimes heās not.
ii
you start to make lists of who would care if you died, but then you stop because the answerās about as short as tapping on a window with a smile on his face. so you just keep running into the passenger side. itās time to take the wheel. you hear crickets when he pushes you away, and hummingbirds when you orbit back around. thereās nowhere to go so you let the sky and itās everything swallow you up. time goes fast, time goes slow, you adjust the dial away from the static. the world is sweet like honey, the acid in your eyes is sweet like honey, his mouth is sweet like honey. dollar bills in your back pocket, you stay quiet and watch the fight.
iii
your life is sprawling out on all sides, you see whatās left behind of you in flickering refrigerators and the midwestern sky as the world moves from dusk to night. itās in the submerging that you begin to breathe, itās below the moon and on top of cool leather that you can finally consider loving. standing on hot concrete, letting the heat pour out. you watch shimmers of a mirage stumble like a party girl through smoothly automatic doors. you ponder fabric, hanging still in the sky, a watchful father over all of us, a demand for a dead room slowdance, and ripped, stained, cheap thatās guaranteed to coax change. warm to the touch.
iv
you start to breathe easier every mile the van lurches forward. you wander through every street, the pavement all feels the same and youāre oddly comforted by it. his lies are like smoke, her anger is spiders crawling over you while you watch her sleepwalk. so you tell the truth, different truths for different neighbourhoods. youāre tired of the manicured lawns and roads no one ever drives down, and youāre tired of traffic and rickety railings. you donāt know who youāre gonna be tomorrow, you just want to feel the grass and the trees and the rain and the sky, and love every soul that flies past your eyes in the darkness. in fireworks, pain scabs over. in darkness of the water, pain flows free and safe.
v
eventually, you reach the end of the line, fall off the cliff into screaming and running. when you hit the ground your bones will break, but right now, oh the falling is so glorious. like a shot of mezcal, like a solo wolf howl. and this is america, and you can survive on nothing. and the summer is honey, and the languid life will raise you up.
Hi everyone, sorry for such a long hiatus. Life was busy, and I wasnāt feeling very inspired for a while, but Iām going to try to get back into the swing of things, starting with updating this blog with all of my writing from the wordpress version of this blog.Ā
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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A24 is an American production company, known for creating indie megahits like Midsommar, Moonlight, and The Spectacular Now. Unfortunately, I havenāt seen any of those. But irregardless, here is my (partial) A24 ranking, of just the ones Iāve seen.
10. Mid90s (2018) dir. Jonah Hill
The directorial debut from actor Jonah Hill is a āslice-of-lifeā look at teen skateboarders, with some nice cinematography, 90s nostalgia, but also unfortunately a huge helping of toxic masculinity and lack of consequences. The main characters toss around slurs casually, and they cheer when the thirteen-year-old boy protagonist has his first sexual experience with a much older girl ā who was possibly 22-23 at the time of filming. Drug use is romanticized, and the ending finds characters still static and without consequences for their bad choices. Honestly, if you like skateboarding movies, just watch Skate Kitchen.
9. The Bling Ring (2013) dir. Sofia Coppola
The true story of a group of wealthy L.A. teens who robbed various celebrities like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan is turned into a surface-level enjoyable film. I enjoy Sofia Coppolaās work, and the film takes the viewer on a wild ride of privilege and celebrity, but it has a tendency to feel like the viewer is being given the keys themselves, with Coppola not really having anything to say about their actions. Itās not necessarily a bad thing, but it leads to a film that feels a little devoid of meaning.
8. Eighth Grade (2018) dir. Bo Burnham
A surprising directorial debut from a comedian, Eight Grade looks at, well, the last week of eighth grade as a socially awkward girl tries to survive until high school. As a movie, itās so deeply apt itās insane, and features some great acting from Elsie Fisher as the protagonist, but the only reason I couldnāt rank it higher is because there was so much second-hand embarrassment ā as anyone who used to be a child now thinking about everything they did as a kid understands ā that it was hard to watch. That being said, I still definitely recommend it.
7. The Florida Project (2017) dir. Sean Baker
In the shadow of Disneyland, kids living in motels play, go on adventures, and get into trouble while the adults in their lives struggle with money and hard choices. The contrast plunges the viewer back into childhood, but makes the adult issues blindingly clear in a moving snapshot that feels like hot summer on your skin as it moves from slow-moving happiness to fear to frustration to anger, and finally, maybe, hope.
6. Room (2015) dir. Lenny Abrahamson
Based on a book, a woman (Brie Larson) kidnapped and trying to raise her son (Jacob Tremblay) in a single room. Itās emotionally devastating, with superb acting ā Brie Larson won an Oscar for her role -, and although it cut a lot and isnāt entirely faithful to the source material, but thatās okay because itās such a moving and eventually heartwarming drama film.
5. Never Goinā Back (2018) dir. Augustine Frizzell
In the hot Texan world of Never Goinā Back, poverty is a given. So why shouldnāt two best friends celebrate one of their birthdays at the beach, even if it means spending their rent money? The movie is funny, many of the girlsā antics are hilarious, and a beautiful celebration of the many forms ā and frankly, insanely homoerotic in this case ā of female friendship. It has its flaws, putting it lower on the list, but Never Goinā Back makes it easy to laugh, or to give opportunities to look deeper into its meaning.
4. The Farewell (2019) dir. Lulu Wang
How far would you go for family? Would you lie to them about having terminal cancer so they are happy for their last few months? For families in the western world, this question is unfamiliar, something no one would consider doing, but the filmās look at a Chinese family reuniting under the pretense of a wedding in order to spend time with the protagonistās grandmother for the last time is intensely relatable because it is about family. Whether laughing or crying, the Farewell deftly tackles messy family lives, and all you can learn from others just by listening.
3. 20th Century Women (2016) dir. Mike Mills
In the rapidly-changing landscape of late 70s California, an older single woman is struggling to raise her teenaged son, so she enlists the help of his best friend and a punk artist boarding in their house. The cinematography and structure takes risks, with colour pouring out of highway scenes, and the future lives of characters being revealed, but itās not artsy and inaccessible. Itās surprising that a male director could have represented different types of women and their struggles, but he did it, and he did it well. Ā
2. American Honey (2016) dir. Andrea Arnold
Lead actress Sasha Lane was discovered on a beach with her friends during spring break. Her character is invited to travel through America selling magazines with other misfit teens in a grocery store parking lot. The almost three-hour long movie is as sprawling as the sky in the south and midwest of America. Itās a hot summer day that feels refreshing, not stifling. Itās young love and lingering closeup shots. Itās the American dream, updated. American Honey is almost three hours long, freeform and calm, beautiful and frantic. Itās a languid summer day, and the cool glass of water you inhale afterwards. Simply, it is American Honey.
1. Lady Bird (2017) dir. Greta Gerwig
Trying to escape your hometown. Arguing with your parents. Falling in love, or maybe not. Dancing at prom with your best friend. Moments of universal high school feelings add up to a superb directorial debut from writer and actress Greta Gerwig of one seventeen-year-old girl in her last year of high school. Appearing on the surface as a straight-forward coming-of-age film, the focus on the women of the film that rarely finds time to stray to love interest characters makes it feel fresh, especially helped by wonderful acting from Saoirse Ronan and Laurie Metcalf. Itās an alternative glimpse of life packaged into a mainstream tale of relatability that makes it A24ās best film. Ā
