Lamp-lit Streets and Rained-On Pavements

MAINE:

I saw one of the staff motioning for me to walk, but my feet were glued to the floor. I took a deep breath and prayed that my legs would cooperate, and thankfully they did.

It was the longest ten seconds of my life.

We both took slow, unsure steps towards each other. As he moved closer, the image of him became clearer.

I know that our eyes have a blind spot, a point in the retina that is not sensitive to light.

In that moment, everything else fell into it, and all I saw was him.

ALDEN:

As we were approaching each other, I hoped and I prayed that, just this once, there would be a problem with the set-up.

I knew that a barrier would fall between us but in that moment, all that filled my head was, Please let the props malfunction.

Walking towards her felt like being on water. I smiled while mini clips of my swimming and diving played at the back of my brain.

You know the feeling of your head going lighter and lighter as the pressure your ears goes higher? The way you would hold your breath until your lungs complain? How underwater, it seemed like you’re in your own little world—a world where your senses are numbed, your limbs are dulled, and all the other noises are blocked out, but somehow, for some reason, you feel in your veins that you are overwhelmed by so many sensations all at once?

That was what being three feet away from her felt like.

She blew me a kiss, and suddenly I was a body floating in a raging sea in the middle of a storm.

I brought my hand to my mouth, breathed out across my palm and let the air carry the kiss to her.

She smiled, and I saw a lighthouse in her eyes.

And right then and there, I surrendered to the currents and trusted that they would bring me safely to her shore.

-Mapapatawad niyo pa ba ako. Hindi pa ako nakaka-move on. Huhuhuhu. Pabebe wave po sa mga nagbabasa nito. Maraming salamat. AlDub you!

Meng & Tisoy, patahimikin niyo na ako please. Charot. AlDub you. <3

xo, 

MAINE:

The clamour echoed inside the studio. I could feel my whole body vibrating as I listened to the shouts of everyone outside. I tried to steady my breathing and regain my composure by recalling the run-through I did with the staff yesterday.

“Maine, hold your position but act like you’re anxious and desperately looking for someone. Wait for the music to come in. That’s when you turn around.”

I repeated the instructions inside my head ten times to make sure I would be able to execute everything properly. The whole nation had been waiting for this moment and the last thing I wanted to do was to disappoint our supporters. I didn’t know how it was possible, but I was sure my pulse quickened as I heard collective screaming beyond the walls, then suddenly stopped when I heard a familiar melody.

“God gave me you, you showed me what’s real…”

I took that as my cue and turned around as what was practiced.

A lean-figure standing at the end of the hallway. Black clothes that were in contrast with his skin complexion.

He was there. He was here.

Alive. Breathing. Real.

From that point on, I gave up on all the attempts to remember what was written in the script.

Because there are far more important things that I didn’t want to forget.

ALDEN:

The floor director told me it was time.

The first thing I saw was the lovely pink of her dress. Then, she turned around so we were eye-to-eye, and  all the colors of the rainbow decided to come down and paint the woman on the other end of the carpet.

Her lips formed a smile, and I felt my lungs hiccup three times.

Remember when you were four years old and you were so amazed by the moon? So you spent every night walking around the streets with your eyes glued to a small, glowing ball in the sky because you wanted to figure out all its secrets? How you were so confused about the idea of new moon; because how can something not there, still exist and be there? How you would raise your hands and curve your fingers around it, triumphantly thinking it was possible to reach something that you have always admired from afar?

In that moment, I was the child looking at the moon.

She probably grew conscious of my stare so she bent her head and smiled at the ground, then back at me again. Her right hand moved to wave at me and I waved back.

I had to clutch my chest just to check how my heart was doing. It was slamming itself against my ribcage as if it wanted to escape. Like it was dying to rip itself out of my body and hop all the way to the person standing across the hallway.

Like all it desired was to present itself to her, telling her, “Take me; take all of me. You don’t know how I’ve always dreamed of resting my head against the comfort of your soft palms.”

- 

PATAWARIN NIYO AKO. Sobrang tuwang-tuwa ako sa Alden x Maine moment kahapon. Hindi ko kinaya. Gusto ko lang ‘tong ilabas. Hahahahaha. Ang gusto ko sa kanila, walang take two. Nacapture yung rawness at authenticity ng emotions. Ang sarap maniwala sa forever. Patawarin niyo ulit ako. Sige na. Hahahaha.

Yrs, 

“This is my box full of the parts of me that still love you. I call it my ‘ex box.'"

- Charlie (from I Ship It by Yulin Kuang)

— The first time I went to his house, I noticed a large, vintage mauve box sitting on the foot of his bed. It looked really pretty, but very girly for his taste, so I asked him, “What is that?”

He snatched his keys from his bedside table and raised his eyebrows at me. “Hmm?”

“The-tha-” I leaned my head against the doorway as I pointed awkwardly at the thing. I was suddenly uncomfortable with my question. I didn’t want him to think that I stick my nose at other people’s business, but the box felt really out of place in his black-and-white-painted room. Heaven knows I almost asked him if he was gay the minute I saw it.

His eyes followed the direction my finger was pointing at and he nodded once, then breathed deeply. “Uh.” He looked at the floor and my eyes caught how his grip on the keys tightened. My throat felt like it would choke on saliva. For some reason, I was nervous and a bit terrified of the answer. Maybe because of the way he was delaying it. From what I had seen and heard, the longer the pause, the more terrible the answer was. “That box contains all the parts of me that still belongs to her.”

I swore I felt blood leave my entire lower extremities that I had to hold on the door knob for leverage. My lips were set into a thin line, then slowly widened into a tight-lipped smile. “Let’s go get dinner?”

His head shot up and he walked towards me. His hand rested on the small of my back as he gently closed the door. On normal days I would have liked how he held me, but today was not a normal day.

We were already in his car but my head still hadn’t left in his room. I couldn’t get the box out of my mind, and I couldn’t help but think of all the possible things that could be in it. Old perfume bottles? Pages from her journals? Copies of all the songs they’ve written together? Her lingerie?

I was dying to know. In fact, I might or might not have made plans on how I will try to sneak in his room while he’s in the shower, and accidentally set it on fire. But then, there’s the smoke alarm, so I brushed the thought off.

I looked over at James whose eyes were very focused on the road. We had reached a red light and he let go of the steering wheel with a little frown. Our gazes met as he moved his hand to turn on the stereo.

“You seem very quiet. Are you okay, Nadz?”

I nodded to reassure him. “Yep, I’m just thinking of a lot of things.”

“Do yourself a favor and admit that you’re just thinking about me.” He teased.

The light turned green and he didn’t see how I rolled my eyes at what he said. None of us spoke again after that, and the sound of his favorite Paper Kites song echoed inside his car.

‘And you fill my head with you’

Yes, you. And your stupid box. Why do you still keep it?

I looked outside the window just to hide my deeply annoyed and hurt expression. He might ask why. Maybe he already knew, but just in case. I don’t want to spoil the evening.

All of the things that belongs to her, huh.

If I ever find your heart in there, can I keep it? — The fifth time I went to his room was months later, and the first thing that I saw was the blanket and the pillow I gave him. I found them in his bed, the blanket lazily spread out on his bed, and the pillow—well, the pillow used to be on the bed, but know it was on the floor. I grinned as I walked towards the bed to pick up the pillow and fold the blanket neatly. I also saw the pillow with my face on it resting on his covers and I had to bite my lip to a.) fight a smile and b.) check if everything I was seeing was real.

The space above his headboard was covered in instax photos I had taken and given to him. There was the one where I was wearing his NYE gift. A photo of us during The 1975 concert. And about 20 more pictures that had me in it.

On his bedside table was the GoPro I gave him. Next to it was the mug I also gave him that says, “I hate coffee. But someone I love gave me this mug.”

I was all over the place. Literally.

I was still giddy and overwhelmed by how his room looked like a museum of all my gifts and then from the corner of my eye, behind the door, I saw the box.

I’d like to call it Pandora’s box. I feel like when I open it, it will cast everything evil into our relationship.

I was determined to find out what was inside that box. I made slow, steady steps towards it, careful that James could step out of the shower anytime now. I was just a few steps away from enlightenment, when I felt strong arms around my waist and warm lips on my nape.

“Hi,” he breathed against my hair. I feel spiders crawling down my ribs and spine every time he does that. My eyes were still fixed on the box; somehow, I feel like it was laughing and staring at me, thinking, “You suck.”

I clenched my jaws and thought, Just you wait, Pandora. Soon. I faced James and he gave me a kiss on the forehead. I scrunched my nose at this, and he laughed before giving me a peck on the lips. “Your wall looks beautiful.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “Which-” I cupped his cheek with my right hand and pushed his head gently to the side so that he was looking at the instax gallery.

“Oh that!” He nodded exaggeratedly. “You take very good pictures.”

“I’m touched.”

He poked my nose with his finger and I glared at him. He giggled like a schoolgirl. Haynako, this boy. “And I’m hungry. Where do you want to eat?”

—

The nth time I went to his house was weeks later and we were, erm, busy. Doing things with our mouth. I wish that meant we were talking but well, no. (Sorry.)

I was gasping for air when we pulled away. He leaned in for another kiss, but my hand met his lips instead. “My throat’s really dry. I’m going to get some water.”

I grabbed the remote and paused the movie that we were watching (or not). I got on my feet and he let out frustrated throaty noises as he fall back into the bed.

“Behave.” I told him before I walked out of the room. I went straight into the kitchen to get something to drink. “Be back soon!” I heard him call out from inside the room. I could only roll my eyes at this.

As I was about to get something that could quench my thirst, I saw napkins with my notes in it held by magnets on the refrigerator door. I noticed my favorite tea and coffee were in the cupboards when I was searching for the glasses. He knew about my obsession with chia seeds so he kept a jar of them in his kitchen. There was also a piece of paper lying around that said, “Reminder: Look for chia seed recipes!!!!”

How could you not smile at this?

I took out the pitcher of cold water from the fridge, pour its content in the glass I found, and drank as much as I could. I was leaning against the kitchen counter, when I saw James emerge from his bedroom barefooted and without a shirt on. More water. I need more water.

“I said be back soon.” He said as he approached me and grabbed my wrist, rubbing the inside of my arms with his thumbs. “Relax. I didn’t disappear into Narnia.” I slowly removed my arms from his grip and snaked them around his waist to pull him closer. He frowned at me and it was adorable, I had to kiss his chin. He took that as his cue, I guess, and I felt his open mouth on the area just below my right ear. I pressed my eyes shut, feeling the intimacy of this moment, and when I opened them… I wished I just didn’t.

Because Pandora was there behind the sofa, staring at me from about six feet away.

I slowly let go of James when I saw it. I moved my head and my body away from his touch and when I did, he asked me in a worried tone, “Baby, what’s wrong?”

I looked at him in the eyes and said, “I wanna see what’s inside that box.”

He shook his head, obviously confused and annoyed. “Which box, babe?”

Who gave you the right to call me ‘babe’ when I’m mad? Shut up. “That box.” I pointed at Pandora.

His expression turned from exasperated to relieved, and he chuckled. “There’s nothing to see.”

“I promise I can handle it. Whatever it is in there.” I just wanted to see ‘those parts of him that still belongs to her.’ I also promise not to set them on fire.

“There is really nothing to see.”

“Then why do you still keep it?!” I half-yelled at him. “Is it to remind me that your ex is irreplaceable? That no one else can love you the way she did ? And that no matter what I do, no matter how much you love me, you can’t give your whole self to me because there are still parts of you that belongs to her? Is that it?”

I was already catching my breath and tears were already welling in my eyes. “And you know what? It sucks that you treasure those things from your relationship, while all the things I’ve given you are scattered on the floor and just everywhere. Like they’re not worth anything.”

He opened his mouth to say something, then he probably changed his mind and went to get the box. He stood in front of me and held the box, ready to open it.

1..2..

He was right.

There was nothing to see. There was nothing in it, literally.

I sinked to the floor and he held me while I sobbed. “It used to hold so many things, but the day after the first time you came in here, I decided to give it all back to her. I knew right then and there, I didn’t need them anymore.”

I wanted to keep crying when I heard him say this. He took my face in his hands like I was something fragile and gently wiped away the tears with his thumbs. “And please do not ever think that I don’t treasure everything that has to do with you. I put pieces of you in everywhere because I want to remember you in every corner of this house. I don’t want to keep them hidden away in a box; I want everyone coming in here and thinking that you were here and you are very welcome to stay.”

The earthquakes and the storms inside my head and my heart were calmed at that validation. There was a beautiful peacefulness in the air and I wanted to keep breathing it. I buried my face in his chest and managed to whisper, “Then why do you still keep the box?”

“Oh, that…” He began, and sounded unsure of how to continue. “This is going to sound really lame, but I thought you liked it. I saw how you always looked at it. Like you were very interested.” I grunted. “Are you kidding me? You honestly thought I wanted something that used to be your ex’s?”

“Well, I was also once hers…so-“

I slapped his arm as hard as I could. “Shut up. Do your job and hold me while I become very emotional.”

His body shook with laughter, and he placed soft kisses on my forehead. I looked up at him and sincerely spoke, “Okay, I’d take the box. It’s pretty.”

“Good girl.” —

We stayed on the kitchen floor for a few minutes before he carried me into his bed and tucked me in. He brought Pandora inside his room before he went back to the kitchen to make me some food. I stared at the large, vintage mauve box that I used to despise. Pandora.

Maybe just like in the myth, when everything that’s in it had already been released, hope springs.

A/N: Hello po. Sorry no part two of the surprise kyeme yet. It has been a while, and toxic slight ang batang manang sa acads. Sorry na. Hihi.

Sana po na enjoy niyo. Kung may typos, bukas ko na lang po i-edit siguro. Hahahaha.

Inspired by many, many things but mostly by I Ship It, a short film by Yulin Kuang. Check it out, mga beh. It’s on YouTube. :) I hope you’re all doing well. Thank you everyone for the reads and the comments. Although inactive ako ng slight, I’m still here and I read them all. Thank you.

PSHR and OTWOL soon. Great things are coming this year. Let’s be thankful. :D

God bless, everyone!

We had been sitting side by side for five minutes now, not one of us talking. With us, silence wasn’t a big deal. It’s not that we fought or had a misunderstanding; in fact, every time we get into this situation, I’d like to think that we have an unspoken agreement that we’re just both tired and we need some time to be alone with our thoughts.

I plugged my earphones and listened to the music that James and I have to dance to. In my head, I was recalling the steps and making notes about the choreography, when suddenly, I felt my left earphone get unplugged.

“James, please. Can I have it back?” I pleaded.

“What? I’d like to review the dance, too!” He closed his eyes and started nodding his head to the beat.

“Eh ‘di ba meron ka naman.” I pulled the cord to make the earphone fall off his ear, but he just kept on putting it back on. “Hoy, James!”

He rolled his eyes at me. Aba, the nerve! “Isn’t it more fun to listen to this song together?”

Ed Sheeran’s voice echoed inside my ear. Maybe we found love right where we are.

I sighed and threw my hands up in mock-surrender. “Fine.” I folded my arms in front of my chest and muttered, “Akala naman neto iba pa yung lalabas na sound pag sa’kin yung ginamit.”

“Yes.” I was surprised when he spoke. I thought he did not hear what I just said. “Iba talaga yung sa’yo.”

----

Okay, story time. Hahaha. I was going through my old documents and stumbled upon this baby right here. Di ko kasi naalala na may sinulat pala akong ganito, kaya ang gulat ko kinilig ako dun sa dulo. Hahahaha.

On the afternoon of November 1st, I called James to tell him some very disappointing news. I sat on the bed and fiddled with the pillowcase while waiting for him to pick up.

“Hi,” James said cheerfully. “I miss you already.” I tore my phone away from my ear and clutched it tightly in my hand. The moment I heard him say the last four words, I felt my brain notify me that tears are on the way, and I pressed my eyes shut, bit my lip hard, and breathed deeply to fight them.

I nodded while I did some mental peptalk before putting the phone back on my ear. You can do this, Nadz. It’ll be okay. But before I could even open my mouth, he spoke, “I can’t wait to see you later. My friends will love you. Well, Juls and Bret already do but Alex, believe it or not, is dying to meet you and to learn a thing or two about your mad Instagram skills. And Alecca? You won’t believe it, she—“

“James,” I swallowed. “I can’t go.”

I held my breath and closed my eyes as I waited for him to answer. I could taste bile on my tongue, and wondered if guilt really tasted this bad and bitter.

“What, why?” His voice broke, and I swear my heart did, too.

I massaged my forehead with my free hand and tried hard not to bawl while I explained. “My mom-well she wouldn’t let me go with you guys. All boys daw kasi. I tried to convince her that you’ll be there naman, na you’ll take care of me, I’ll be alright, trust me I did! It’s just, not-I guess-”

“I already talked to your dad. I thought everything was okay.” His voice had gone quiet. There was no trace of excitement in his voice anymore, and he spoke softly but I could hear cries of disappointment in his silence.

“I know, James. He’s sad I can’t make it too.” It was true. My dad came to my room earlier and sat on my bed while I buried myself in the pillows and sheets then swam in the ocean of my tears. He comforted me with good advice and bad jokes. When he said goodbye, I thanked him, and told him I felt better (truth) and it was okay (lie). He still had this worried expression on before he disappeared in the doorway.

James didn’t say anything for the next thirty seconds, but I could hear the sound of his breathing so I knew he was still on the other line.

“Are you mad?”

“No.”

“At me?” I asked nervously.

“No. When did I ever get mad at you?” I looked at the ceiling as if I could find the answer to his question there. I tried recalling any event in which he might have raised his voice at me or ignored me for a full hour. Nope, not any.

And as if he heard me, he replied, “See? I never got, and I don’t think I ever will be mad at you.” I smiled despite the situation at hand. “Besides, it’s not your fault. I understand.”

“I’m really sorry, James. Have fun, though.”

“I still wish you could go.” He sighed.

“Yeah, James. You’re not the only one.” I lay on my side, my phone sandwiched between my ear and my pillow. “Take care.”

“I will. You too.”

“Enjoy.” I sincerely said. Of course I was sad and envious that he gets to see the beach and surf and I don’t, but I really want him to have a good time.

“Hmmmm. I’ll try.” I didn’t know how it was possible but I could hear him smile.

“Promise me you’re going to have fun. You deserve some time off from work.” I said, almost in a whisper. “Don’t waste the opportunity by sulking around because I can’t make it. That’s my job.”

I heard him laugh. “Yes, ma’am. I’ll bring you pasalubong so you won’t be sad anymore.”

I rolled over to my right side and stared at the ceiling. “Thanks, partner. You’re the best.”

“Anything for you, partner.” He said, then heaved a long, heavy sigh. “Bret and Juls will be here any minute now, I gotta go. Bye.” The line went dead.

I placed my phone under my pillow and repeated what he said in my head. Anything for you, partner.

My mind wondered if he really meant what he told me. Maybe he just blurted that out because at that moment, it was the right thing to say. Maybe it was one of those spur-of-the-moment kind of things, where you really think about what you say before they escape your mouth. Hold on, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I ran my left hand down the length of my face, and my eyes caught something shiny and sparkly on my arm. My lips curved to form a smile, and I grabbed the nearest pillow to cover my face, trying to hide the embarrassment from myself.

Case closed, I thought as blood traveled up to my head. He meant what he said.

-

Six hours later, Bret was the one calling me to tell me some disappointing news.

“Bret?” We just got home from Antipolo, and just as we reached our driveway my phone started ringing. I hurried back to my room as soon as I got off from our car. There was no way I was going to answer it in front of my mom and my dad. “What is wrong?”

He giggled, but he seemed exhausted. “Why are you always right?”

I rolled my eyes, then plopped into my bed. “Tell me.”

“Somebody’s been drinking too much.”

I felt my whole body tense. I already know who it was, but I just had to make sure. And hoped that it wasn’t who I think it was. “Who?”

“What the heck –dude –JAMES!” He yelled and I winced as the sound reached my ear. “Are you fucking out of your mind? Smoking? Really?!”

James. SMOKING?! “ Bret-“

“You’re better than this, James.” His voice was calmer now and he sounded like he was catching his breath.

“Give that to me, Bret.” My heart started beating fast, like it would explode any second, when I recognized his voice. There were a million things running through my head, all at once, but when I heard him talking, my mind went blank for a moment then flashed these words like a warning: I need to talk to him.

“Bret? Bret, are you there? Can you pass him-”

“Nadine will hear about this, and she’d be very disappointed.” Bret’s tone was harsh and cold.

“Hello, Nadz? I’m sorry-James is such an idiot-“

“IS SHE THERE? BRET GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NOW, I NEED IT!” I could hear the struggle in his voice, and I could imagine them strangling each other to death to get hold of the phone. It hurt that I couldn’t do anything but to lay here and listen to them yelling at each other. I closed my eyes and hoped for it to stop.

Thankfully, after a few seconds, it did. “Hello? Nadine? Are you there?” It was James, and the awkward rising intonation almost after every other syllable indicated that he was under the influence of alcohol.

“Yeah, I’m here.” I said quietly.

“Yes.” He heaved a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry about earlier, Bret is just stupid sometimes. I’m going up to my room now, wait ‘til I get there. And then we’ll talk.”

“Okay. Be careful.” I tried to remain relaxed, but my voice betrayed me. “Should I hang up?”

“No, no, no, no. Don’t. This will be quick, I promise.”

After what sounded like a series of footsteps and doors opening and closing, he spoke, “I’m hoooomeee.”

I bit my lower lip to fight a smile. I’m worried. And mad. You have no right to be adorable. “James, why-“

“Hep! First things first, La Union is beautiful. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Don’t get jealous. But it is beautiful. The water. The sand. The trees. I sound like a broken record now but beautiful is the only thing I have to describe all of this.”

I shook my head and let out a small laugh. “James, of course I’m not jealous. Envious is the term.”

“Huh?” He  snorted. “Were you really listening?! I said don’t get jealous that I called La Union beautiful.“ He hiccupped. “It only comes second to you. Doesn’t even come close.”

When I realied what he really meant, I slapped my forehead and tried to steady my heartbeat by breathing in and out deeply. “Shut up, James. Let’s-“

And then he started singing really loud. “You are so beautiful, to meeeeee, can’t you seeeeee?” He swallowed, then resumed. “You’re everything I hope for, you’re everything I neeeeed-“

“JAMES!” I half-yelled to make him understand that I meant business. “We have more important things to discuss. Why were you drinking? AND SMOKING?” I stressed the last two words.

“Can we not talk about this?” He protested, followed by annoyed throaty sounds. “I miss you soooo much.”

My head, my heart, my lungs. My bed felt like a pool that was infinitely deep, and I was sinking, going to the bottom, making it so hard to breathe. “I don’t have time for this-“

“But, I miss youuuuu.”

“James, please.” I was already begging for him to stop. The things he was saying were music to my ears but I’d rather listen to them some other time.

“Fine.” He groaned. “I read an article. I didn’t like what I saw there, so boom, I took all the alcohol in my car’s trunk. Next thing I know they were all empty. The end.”

I froze in my place. It wasn’t an article. It was the article.

I kept calm and controlled my voice so it wouldn’t shake. “But why do you have to smoke? Your asthma?”

“Hah.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I am already in too much pain. A cigarette could hardly hurt me now.”

“Are you trying to kill yourself?!” My voice was already a notch higher, and tears were starting to well in my eyes.

“What’s the use? It already feels like I’m dying.”

And then the sobs I had trapped in my throat escaped. I covered my mouth as tears traveled down my cheeks. At the back of my mind, a voice was wishing La Union was just five minutes away.

“I mean, like. What the fuck. I was happy. And she said something about being soulmates and all of this saving and shit and I was confused, then flashback to the night I broke up with her, and all that I could think of was I loved her and I hate her but I realize I really don’t, and that makes it a billion times more frustrating.”

He began to bawl, and the sound of our ugly weeping filled the air. “Timing is such a bitch. I was happy. I hate the world.”

James cried and cried until he was choking and hiccupping so hard. I had to pull the phone away from my ear and hold it against my chest because I couldn’t bear to hear him hurting like that. Images of him lying on his hotel bed, completely covered by darkness, alone and helpless, flashed inside my head, and I had to blink away those thoughts, together with the tears, because they bring a different kind of pain to my insides.

I wiped my face with the back of my hands and exhaled as I picked up the phone again. I have already decided. I know what to do. I spoke the words I think he needed to hear. “James, you don’t have to torture yourself anymore.”

I heard him took a deep breath and was relieved that he was still with me. He replied in his raspy voice, “I will after tonight. You have my word.”

My jaw tensed. “We both know I’m not talking about the drinking and the smoking anymore.” When he didn’t say anything, I added, “Let’s just accept the fact that this set-up isn’t working for the both of us.”

“I don’t understand.”

I grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled it so hard that my scalp hurt. “James, look at you. You’re in pain.” My voice faltered. “I know you told me that whether you drinking or not, it’s me. You chose me, and believe me, I am grateful. But if we take what we have to another level, it’s going to be one scary drop, and before we know it, we’re nothing but broken bones and hearts.” When I couldn’t help it anymore, I whimpered, and the tears followed.

“I have to make the choice. I have to save you from any future pain.” I took a couple of deep breaths for strength and encouragement. Never did I imagine that I will be telling him any of this shit, since not so long ago, I’d decided to fight and conquer my fears that involved being with him. I am lionhearted; I know I claimed that before. But things had now changed, and the lion in my heart had now been tamed.

“I feel like you made the wrong decision by opting to be with me. I could now only hope that I was your best mistake.” I closed my eyes and slowly let the words roll off my tongue. “I’m letting you go.”

Long, awkward silence. I could not decide if this stillness was the calm before the storm, or things were just warming up for more.

Not so long after, James broke the ice. “Did you really think that you’re the one putting me all through this?”

“Yes, and I am the only thing standing between you and her. You’re free to go now. Be happy, James. So that I know it was worth it, and it was not all in vain.”

Warm, fresh tears rolled down my cheeks as I waited for him to reply. I heard a sharp intake of breath from the other line, and his voice, which was surprisingly calm and soothing despite the alcohol, came on. “Nadine, why worry about saving me, when you’ve already done it?”

There was a new emotion brewing in my chest—a combination of confusion, worry and hope—and my heart was pumping it through my vessels to send the uncomfortable sensation gushing all throughout my body.

“This. What we have. It is working for me. Yes, because of some circumstances, I might be hurting now-“ he was now whispering, but I could still feel the intensity and the weight of his words. “-but that doesn’t mean I’ll be in pain forever. Especially now that I have you.”

His speech shook my world like an earthquake, and that meant it was only just starting. My hand was grasping the sheets so hard, as if preparing for a much stronger aftershock.

“I don’t give a damn about falling and being shattered into pieces because we were taking everything to greater heights. All I care about is reaching for the sky and building castles on the clouds.” He grumbled, and I could imagine him shaking his head. “Don’t ever think I’d be happy anywhere else. You can now stop with the letting me go crap.”

The way he said the last statement made me want to giggle even though my crying had already been causing me trouble with breathing. I set my lips into a thin line to suppress a grin. “And, Nadz, you’re the best, but not a mistake. The wisest, the prettiest, the loveliest—heck, you make every positive adjective superlative.”

I was thankful that I was lying down as we speak, because everything he was telling me made my head spin in circles. I would have collapsed if I was standing up. His revelations not only my head, but also the weight I had in my chest lighter. What would I do without you?

“Will you remember any of these in the morning?” I croaked nervously.

“I’ll remember everything, I’m sure.” He said with conviction, then he sighed. “I’m sorry about earlier. It won’t happen again. I just wish you were here. If you were here, I’d be holding your hand, not a bottle of beer. And if I'm very lucky, something better than a cigarette would be on my lips.”

This time, I couldn’t help it; I laughed. “Whatever. Are you going to be okay now?”

“Yes. Thank you.” For the second time tonight, I thought I heard him smile. “See? Just a phone call from you and I’m feeling all better now.”

“Hmmm,” was the only sound that came out of my mouth.

“And I’m going to say this, once and for all. You know, just in case you’re still unaware of this truth: I am better near to you.”

We said our goodbyes, and I let my phone disappear in the sheets.

My right hand went to touch his birthday gift on my left arm. I couldn’t fight a smile while looking at it and running my finger lightly on the each gold and silver strand.

I am better near to you.

Those five words were the only confirmation I needed. Time and time again, James had proven to me a lot of things but this one, by far, was the most intriguing and thrilling of all.

I finally understood. Those five words were our unspoken agreement, something both of our hearts understood.

I still cannot give you my whole heart, because she still has parts of it. But now that you’re here, I can feel that part of me regenerate and grow. Yes, I’m still confined at the Hospital for the Brokenhearted, and I’m still recuperating. It might take long before I’m fully recovered, but I want you to sit at my bedside and hold my hand while I heal. Because at the end, when the doctors tell me that I’m free to go, you’re the one I want to go home with. You’re the one I want to come home to. 

I inhaled as if I transferred the whole world’s supply of oxygen into my sytem.

Take your time, then, James. I’m just here, and I can’t wait for you to come home.

A/N: Inspired by many many things, but mostly by A Fine Frenzy’s Near to You and my Ate Doc’s bolang kristal predictions. Sending love to everyone. Thank you for being patient. Hugs and kisses.

Lionhearted. Very brave.

I'd like to believe I am that kind of person.

That's why I never liked being scared. I don't like the uncomfortable shiver it sends down my spine. Never enjoyed the army of tarantulas it sets on my stomach. Never took pleasure in the anxiety and the certain gloominess it brings to my head.

I had built this impenetrable wall of I-will-not-allow-this-thing-get-to-me around my brain and my heart to protect myself. To keep the tarantulas, the ghosts and the demons out. It had been working for me for quite some time now, and I like things to remain that way.

However, something strange had happened this past month. It was that one time when I felt like a demolition team came in from nowhere and started taking the wall down. Something, someone wants to get in. The tarantulas? The ghosts? The demons?

I vividly remember what happened that night. September 24. I was sure I didn't breathe for two full minutes when I heard the news. I could not focus on my scenes, kept on forgetting my lines, because all that filled my head was his name. What if it was a really serious injury? What if he was badly hurt? What will happen to him? To me? To us? I felt like I was thrown into a quicksand of questions about him, and before I knew it, the wall came crumbling down that night.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt scared.

It was no large, hairy arthropod. Not a ghost of my past haunting me. Definitely not a demon trying test my courage.

It was James Reid.

Remember the time you drove all night, just to meet me in the morning

I was lying on my bed, resting after a very tiresome day. We just came home from the venue for my 21st birthday celebration to do some final adjustments in the program. My aunt, being an event coordinator, wanted everything to be perfect for tomorrow night. To be completely honest, I didn't know how many times she asked me, "Are you sure this one's the best for you? Really the best?"

I couldn't sleep. I know I should be having my "beauty rest" so that I'd look fresh tomorrow, but my excitement wouldn't die down. My right hand went to reach for my phone, and just as I got hold of it, Bret's name and picture popped up on the screen.

"Hey, Nadz." Bret said as soon as I picked up. I blinked a few times to clear my eyes and my mind. "Happy birthday."

I sat up and leaned against the headboard. My left arm went around my folded legs as I smiled. "Bret, it's only 11:30 pm. Technically, it's still not October 31."

"Then, happy birthday in advance. Super OC talaga." He let out a laugh.

"So? Why did you call?" I asked. Bret never calls me unless he's going to ask something from me or something to that effect. I wondered what was it this time.

"Yeah, I just want to-" There was a long pause, and then, "Oh shit! You motherfu-no, dude! Wait!"

"What happened?!" I got on my feet as I waited for Bret to answer. I heard footsteps and intensified breaths on the other line. "Bret, please. Answer me!"

I heard him exhale. "He...That idiot...James." My whole body tensed when Bret mentioned his name. "He took my car! Shit!"

My hands were getting sweaty and cold from the way Bret's voice shook. "Calm down. Deep breaths." He obliged. "Now, tell me everything."

"Well, yeah I left him sleeping in the sofa to get my phone which was in my bedroom. So I got my phone and called you because he's been asking for you, again. It was actually a bit irritating because he was practically ordering me to call you." I would've smiled if it weren't for Bret's worried tone. "But he's drunk, Nadz. And driving. Holy shit."

And just like that, I was transported back to that night I learned he fell from the stage-no breathing for two full minutes, inability to focus, a gazillion questions in my head. I never liked cursing, but in that moment my mind was full of profanities written in bold, capital letters.

Bret was still on the other line, but he was quiet. After a few seconds, he broke the silence with the three words that I've been trying to avoid: "He could die."

"SHUT UP, BRET. HE WON'T." I snapped. I ran my free hand through my hair in a panicked manner. "I'm sorry." I didn't mean to shout, but what he just told me wasn't helping.

"What are we going to do?!"

I tried composing myself by pressing my eyes shut and breathing in and out deeply. "Do you have any idea where he's going?"

"No, he didn't tell me anything. Except your name. And a lot of curse words."

I started pacing around the room while I racked my brain with all the possible solutions I could think of. "I'm going to hang up, you try calling him. Then text or call me if he picks up or if he doesn't. Either way, inform me." Bret agreed, and I tapped the red icon to end the call.

I sat on the bed and stared at my phone for minutes, waiting for a text or a call from Bret. After a few minutes, my phone buzzed.

Called him five times. He won't answer

I hurriedly typed in: As in busy? As in subscriber cannot be reached?

God bless Bret for replying so fast. No I think he does it on purpose. The line goes dead after a few rings

I heaved a sigh of relief. Good, that means he's still

I froze for a moment and thought about what I should type in. Initially, I was about to write 'alive' but I brushed off the thought.

Instead, I wrote: Good, that means he's still awake.

Bret's name appeared on my phone's screen. Y dont u try calling him?

I took a moment to mull over his SMS. Srsly Bret, you're the bestfriend and he won't even answer your calls. What makes you think he'll answer mine? Try calling him again please

I waited for Bret to reply, but I got an incoming call from him instead. "NADINE." He half-yelled. "I'M HIS BESTFRIEND. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN TO HIM, AND I RECOGNIZE THAT IF HE HAD TWO PHONES IN FRONT OF HIM, GIVEN THAT I WAS CALLING ON ONE PHONE, YOU ON THE OTHER, HE'D HAVE A HARD TIME CHOOSING. OR HE MIGHT EVEN LEAN TOWARDS THE ONE THAT DISPLAYS YOUR NAME. TRUST ME. NOW GO AHEAD AND CALL HIM."

I winced as Bret ended the call. As I pulled the phone away from my ear, I saw that he sent me an SMS. Sorry for yelling. Call him now. I'll try to ask help from some of our friends. I'll call you if I find something

I was hesitant at first, but I followed Bret's advice and dialled his number. Nothing. I repeated the action nineteen times. Still nothing.

On the twentieth attempt, I broke down. I leaned back to fall on the bed and curled in fetal position with one hand covering my mouth, the other clutching the phone tightly. The tears started coming, and when I got a glimpse of my phone's screen, it read: 12:03 Friday 31 October.

Three minutes into my birthday and I am already an emotional mess. My whole body was shaking as fresh, warm tears made their way down my cheeks. What if he fell asleep while driving? What if he gets into an accident? How long will he be unconscious after that? Days? Months? A year?

The thing that I couldn't and wouldn't want to admit was basically chewing on my brain. No, I'm not going to say it.

My teeth dug into my lower lip as I try to keep the words from escaping my mouth. But after I took another glance at my phone's screen, I failed.

"I am so scared."

I swore to myself that it would never happen again. The feeling was nothing but dreadful, and I wouldn't want to experience something like that twice. From that night on, I had worked on renovating the wall, making it stronger and higher so that fear or anything that would trigger it wouldn't manage to creep in. I was confident that this newly refurbished barrier wouldn't let something like that occur again.

But... surprise, surprise.

James Reid flew over the freaking wall, and crash-landed somewhere in my chest, a little to the left.

The crying continued, and suddenly my face, my shirt, the sheets were all covered in tears. Good luck later, glam team.

A few minutes passed and I felt my phone vibrate. It was an incoming call. Probably from Bret. Who else would call me at this hour? I wiped my face with my free hand as I tapped on the screen to answer, "Hello?"

"Hi." My eyes went wide as I recognized a familiar voice. "I'm just outside your house. Please come and see me."

I was out of the room before he could even finish his last sentence.

And I thought it was strange you said everything changed, you felt as if you'd just woke up

The first thing I saw was Bret's car, and I silently thanked God that it was unscathed-no scratches, no broken parts. My eyes caught him stepping out of the car to meet me. When I saw him smiling as he walked towards me, everything else disappeared, and a small voice inside my head kept on saying, "He is here, he is alive!"

We were now face to face, and as I held his gaze, I felt sharp needles stinging my eyes. I pursed my lips to prevent myself from breaking out into a sob, but for the second time today, I failed. "You scared me to death!"

Water welled from my eyes and through my clouded vision, I saw him smile at the ground before pulled me into an embrace, then he whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm here now."

I tried very hard to appear tensed and stiff under his grip, but when he lightly pushed my head so that his shoulder was tucked under my chin, I succumbed to his arms. I wrapped my arms around his waist as he hushed and told me, "It's okay now."

I closed my eyes and breathed in the moment together with his scent-laundry soap, his perfume and the smell of the hair product he uses. Hold on?! I sniffed a few more times just to be sure.

"James," I grunted. "Were you really drunk?"

He cleared his throat as he slowly released me. "About that, I-"

I let out frustrated, throaty sounds. "I hate the world."

"Nadine-"

"Don't touch me." I held out one hand for emphasis.

"Just stay there." He told me as he went to get something from the backseat of the car. I was still trying to process everything when my phone buzzed and lit up. A text message from Bret:

I'm really sorry Nadz :-) (It was his idea, btw) Happy birthday beautiful! Jadine<3 My ship is sailing!

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from laughing as I placed the phone in the back pocket of my shorts. As I tore my gaze away from my phone and looked up, my face broke out into a full-blown smile.

James was holding a bouquet of sunflowers in one hand and grinning from ear to ear. "Happy birthday, Nadine."

And you said "This is the first day of my life, I'm glad I didn't die before I met you. But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you, and I'd probably be happy."

"You don't have to do this." I said as I reached for the bundle of bright, yellow beauties. They looked even more vibrant in the darkness. I lightly ran my fingers through the petals and enjoyed my first birthday present.

He put both hands inside the pockets of his jeans and told me, "I wanted to."

"Huh, so Bret was in this, too?" He nodded slowly. "Tell him the acting workshop is paying off.He was very effective; I almost went crazy."

"Perfect." He said with a tight-lipped smile.

"Perfect ka dyan!" I walked towards him just to give him a slap on the shoulder.

He said nothing after that, and we stood side by side in complete silence. And for someone who got used to listening to his endless stories about everything, I surprisingly found the silence comfortable. All that filled the air was the sound of cicadas singing and the rhythm produced by our breathing, and it was... enough.

I felt him turned his head to look at me so I did the same. "Wanna go for a ride?"

I let out a horrified gasp. "Do you want to die? Are you really going to kill me?"

"I need to tell you something."

The offer was tempting, but I wouldn't take any chances. "Can't we just talk here?"

"I'm about to say something very important, and I don't want to mess this up. However, my nerves are not cooperating. Driving calms me down." His face had the word "Please" written all over it.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Fine. But I need to double check if you really are sober."

His face crumpled upon hearing that. "Come on, Nadz. I already told you. It was just part of the surprise."

"Ssshhh," I motioned for him to shut up. I moved closer to him and sniffed a couple of times to look for any trace of alcohol. My nose was almost touching his neck, and I saw his jaw tightened as I inhaled. I carried on with the 'inspection,' partly because I was making sure that he was not drinking, and mostly because I wanted to annoy him. Payback time.

"Nadine, stop. Trust me, I didn't even bother to take a look at the bottle of beers in the fridge."

"I need proof." Sniff, sniff, sniff.

He exhaled as if he let out all the air in his system. Before I knew it his two hands were already cupping my face, our foreheads were touching, and my lips were against his.

He opened his mouth, and I tasted a familiar mint flavor on my tongue. Of course, the breath spray.His arms snaked around my waist the same time mine wrapped around his neck, with my elbow resting on his shoulder. We kissed until we ran out of breath, and by the time we pulled away, we were gasping for air.

"How's that for proof?" He gave me an evil grin.

"Yeah, you're good." His eyebrows shot up and he chuckled. Oh, Lord. I shook my head with my eyes closed. "I mean, yeah I believe you." No alcohol. How come I was dizzy after that...thing happened? Ako ata ang nalasheng.

"Good then, let's go."

So if you want to be with me, with these things there's no telling; we just have to wait and see

The engine roared to life. The scene from earlier kept on playing inside my head in slow motion. While I tried to recall everything, I felt the weird sensation I experienced not so long ago grow inside me-demolition teams, tarantulas, and disintegrating walls.

"I am so scared right now." I saw him look at me in my peripheral vision. I pressed my eyes closed, and as soon as I did, the tears came.

"I thought we already agreed that I am just as sober as you are."

I slowly moved my head from left to right; a gesture to tell him that I was not talking about the issue of drunk-driving anymore. "What if things change? What if we get hurt?"

He turned off the engine. My eyes flew open, and I saw a very worried James on the driver's seat. "Alright. I'm not gonna drive anymore. I'll just tell you what I've been meaning to say since I came here. I'm only going to tell you this once." He heaved a sigh. "But first, please stop crying."

I placed the sunflowers I was holding in the backseat. I let out a low laugh as I wiped my face with the back of my hands. "I can't promise that."

"Tsk," he said, then the lights went out.

"Hey! Why did you do that?" I protested.

"I don't like seeing you hurt. Especially when I know it has something to do with me." He breathed out. "I've seen enough today."

But I'd rather be working for a paycheck, than waiting to win the lottery

"I remember everything, Nadine. That night you asked me why I drink too much, I didn't answer because I was thinking. Thinking of how to explain it to you. Now here comes the truth." There was a long pause before he continued.

"Initially, it was because I want to forget. Forget her. Do you remember the first night you came rushing to Bret's condo? I do. The morning after that, I asked Bret why you were there. He told me I kept on pestering him to call you. I was not aware of that.

"The first two to three nights were unplanned and was definitely about moving on. However, the rest was deliberately done. Don't you ever wonder why you're always available when Bret calls you?" He probably heard me puffed. "That's right, it was on purpose. Because somehow the shots that were intended for her, became for you. Change of heart, remember? You could say that I looked forward to getting wasted because I know I'd see you when I get home."

My mind was racing, and I could feel my stomach starting to get upset while trying to digest all of his words. The truth wasn't crystal clear yet, but his explanation definitely contained answers to some of my questions.

"Nadine," He said my name with such sincerity that sends my insides aflutter. "I don't want you to think that I only want you when I'm drunk, when I'm not myself, only want to be with you when I'm intoxicated with alcohol. So I'm going to man up, and tell you this. As an assurance, or whatever. I just think you should know this."

The next words that came out from his mouth took off the weight I had been carrying in my heart these past few weeks.

Besides maybe this time is different, I mean I really think you like me

"Drunk or sober, it's still you."

Six words. It only took six words from him to pulverize the walls I built around my head and my heart. My whole world shook as the barrier got demolished and reduced to tiny bits, until there was nothing. I've never felt so exposed in my life. I was vulnerable but at the same time stronger than I've ever been before.

With the help of the faint glow coming from the streetlight, I saw him smile. Our hands found each other in the dark, and as our fingers interlocked, I understood.

Being brave doesn't mean not getting scared. It means recognizing your fears and having the strength to overcome them. The strength could come from anything or anyone. That smile your parents give you when you made them proud. The picture of your dream house taped on your bedroom wall. The name you scribble repeatedly on the back of your notebook.

Or the hand you're holding right now.

James pulled my hand closer to his lips, and placed light kisses on my knuckles.

And I swear in that moment, I could finally say with utmost conviction...

I am lionhearted.

  - Sorry kung may typos. Really sleepy na ako at sabaw while typing. Hahaha. Thank you for taking the time to scroll through my blog and visit my wattpad account. You guys are very much appreciated. <3

Obsessive JaDine Disorder or OJD. You might have encountered this term somewhere in the comment section on Instagram, and in twitter posts (usually followed by a lot of exclamation points and heart emojis). Although very popular, old Mr. Webster and Urban Dictionary have not provided a concrete definition of this term (actually, Urban Dictionary has an entry for OJD; however, it pertains to Obsessive Jonas Disorder), so this article was written to present explanations and discussions regarding the aforementioned expression.

Here are a couple things that you should know about OJD.

Brief History

The term Obsessive JaDine Disorder was first coined by Ate Irms (@IRMA143xoxo) of Fab 5 and friends. Since then, citizens of JaDine Land have been using OJD when talking about JaDine.

(Thank you Ate Irms for replying! :D)

The Expression

For better understanding of OJD, let us dissect the expression into three parts.

OBSESSIVE–continually preoccupied with a particular activity, person, or thing (thefreedictionary.com)

JaDine –The kilig team-up of James Reid and Nadine Lustre. (LABS AND ATEGIRL!)

DISORDER –a condition that is not normal (There are a lot of definitions of disorder out there. Most of them have negative connotations especially the ones related to medicine, so let’s just stick to this one.)

From there, we can derive the meaning of OJD as being preoccupied with JaDine too much in a way that is not normal.

How do you use OJD in a sentence?

The flexibility of OJD as a word is quite impressive. In fact, it can be used as a/an:

Noun.

Eya: Grabe, napanood ko yung Diary ng Panget nung isang araw! Hindi ko kinaya, ang lakas ng chemistry nung dalawang bida! Before I knew it, sinu-stalk ko na sila sa Instagram, finollow sa twitter, napabili ng album, pati ng magazine na sila yung nasa cover—

Cross: What the hell, panget?

Eya: *gasp* Emergerd. I have OJD.

Adjective.

Sam: Look!!! *excitably holds out phone to show photo of JaDine mistletoe kiss*

Top: What the hell is that, retard?

Sam: *horrified, slaps Top’s arm* That’s an OJD pic, stupid! AND STOP CALLING ME RETARD!

Verb.

Joe:*hands Anika the tablet* Here, beautiful.

Anika: Ano yan?

Joe: Panoorin mo yung video ng interview nila sa Cabanatuan. Ma-o-OJD ka.

Interjection.

Becca: Nikkooooo!

Nikko: Anong meron?

Becca: Yung interview nila sa PEP! OJD!

Signs and Symptoms

OJD, being a disorder, is characterized by the following signs and symptoms.

Tachycardia. This medical term means, “rapid beating of the heart.” OJD causes a person’s heartbeat to accelerate. Remember when James told the whole world that Nadine is his “Best Female Friend”? Yeah? Woops, there goes your heart. Boom, badoom, boom, boom badoom, boom.

Dyspnea/Tachypnea. Another medical term meaning, “shortness of breath” or “rapid breathing.” Recall that moment you watched JaDine’s kiss on the big screen. Remember that time when you saw the picture of James sleeping on Nadine’s lap. Now, follow me. Inhale, exhale. Deep breaths. Inhale, exhale.

Inability to think straight. At one point, your brain will forget to function for a few seconds. Think of that night when James practically announced to the world how much of a good kisser Nadine is. Cue tweets and comments saying: “I CANNOT” and “I CANT EVEN” with exclamation points, emojis and occasional keyboard-smashed words.

That warm, fuzzy feeling. Yes, it’s that sensation in your gut that climbs up to your chest, creeps up to your head and crawls down your spine. This could sometimes be accompanied by cold, sweaty palms. Picture that night you learned about the story behind the orchid in the pot. Good? Okay. *hands you a fan* You’re welcome.

A very active imagination. Someone who has OJD will definitely make something out of a simple quote, picture or video. Bring in the memes, the edits, the video montages, and…*cough* the fanfiction *cough*.

Disturbance in the sleeping pattern. This is very observable especially on days when James and Nadine have shooting or taping. People with OJD will stay up waiting for behind-the-scenes stories and off-cam pictures, only to have more trouble with keeping calm and going to bed because, well…OJD.

The urge to hit something or someone. Your pillow. The table. The chair. The bed. The wall. The floor. Your seatmate. Your friend. Your partner. Sometimes, even yourself. Doesn’t matter what, doesn’t matter who. All you want to do is let this extreme energy out, because you can’t contain yourself anymore. FLIP ALL THE FURNITURE! (Hi, #TeamFlipFurniture!)

Bursts of euphoria. Visualize that day Nadine said, “Kung hindi si James…si James pa rin!” Take a trip down memory lane and look back at their MTV Pinoy stint—the intense stares, the songs they dedicate to each other, “Inspirasyoooon” with the accent, the casual touching… those little moments. Let me ask you… ever felt like you’re walking on sunshine? Like you want to travel the world and distribute smiles? Like all you want to do is sprinkle everyone with stardust to make the Earth a better place? Ever felt like a room without a roof? That’s right. *insert Pharrell’s voice* Because you’re haaaappy.

I hope this article was comprehensive, useful and entertaining. Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you have something to add or if you think it still needs improving, please do not hesitate to message me or send me a tweet; I’d be more than happy to edit this. :D

Special thanks to Ate Tins and Ate Cha for the idea and the moral support. I love you guys. Haha! -V

Twitter: @veinhunter

Instagram: @mythoughtbasement

I have a secret.

James has such low tolerance for alcohol. He parties whenever he is free, and he looks like someone who could finish 20 Jäger bombs in one seating, but the truth is he goes to the clubs for the dancing and company. However, these past few weeks, he’d been drinking like the world will run out of alcohol anytime. Every time he and his friends go out, he would blackout and Bret had to let him stay the night to sleep on his sofa. Or on the floor. Sometimes on the bath tub. But let’s not go there.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

My real secret is how I know all of these things. James told me? Nope. He is too drunk to remember anything. I go partying with him? Nope, not a chance. I wouldn’t even dare asking permission from my mom. Bret told me? Yes.

And asked me to come over to help him take care of his wasted best friend.

I know what you’re thinking, I could’ve, should’ve said no. But I remember Bret’s response when I asked him, “Why me?” that night he called me for help: He’s asking for you.

He’s actually pretty lucky that every time Bret would call me, I’m at home or I just got off from work. So since then, during those nights when he’s drunk from partying, I always find myself in front of the door to Bret’s condo to see how he was doing.

Tonight was one of those nights.

This is the first day of my life, swear I was born right in the doorway

He slept like a baby.

No, I’m not talking about the peaceful type. See this idiom is kind of misleading, don’t you think? Sleeping like a baby equals sobrang daming demands at ayaw magpatulog. Yung bigla bigla na lang magigising at mag-iingay. Di ba?

I had been sitting on the floor for about 10 minutes now, watching him sleep. I could hear collective “Don’t you get tired of looking at him?” on the back of my mind, and my answer is yes, you just don’t get tired of his ridiculously good-looking face. Nope.

"Where’s Bret?" He slowly opened his eyes and ran his hand down the length of his face. He looked groggy and reeked of alcohol and smoke. Me eyes watched as he stood up abruptly and his body inclined to the left, then to the right, only to fall back on the bed.

"Hinahatid si Andi. Ako muna bantay mo." He looked disoriented with his sleepy eyes and messy hair. Not everybody could pull off this look, but it worked for him.

I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed; they’re spreading blankets on the beach

He got on his feet again and walked towards the window. His hand drew the curtains to one side and said, “I thought it was raining?”

I don’t know if it was possible but I could actually hear alcohol in his voice. Like everything he says comes out of his mouth in a sing-song manner and everything ends with an awkward rising intonation. “Huh, kanina yun. Mga four hours ago.” Nung hindi ka pa lasheng. I sat on the bed and watched him stare outside with tired, squinting eyes.

"How are you feeling?"

A smile played on his lips as he turned away from the window. “Hell.” He rolled his eyes at me then took shaky, unstable steps towards the bed. He practically dived in the space next to me, and lay face down. “But you’re heaven, so that kinda makes everything okay.”

I silently wondered if he would remember this conversation in the morning when he’s sober. 

Wondered, I shook my head as I grabbed the blanket and covered him with it. You just didn’t simply wonder, Nadz. You hoped he would. 

Yours is the first face that I saw, I think I was blind before I met you

"Why is it so daaark?" I heard him call out from inside the room. I was in the kitchen, making myself some coffee since Bret hadn’t come home yet, and I needed something to keep me awake. I grunted as I grabbed the mug and hurriedly went back to Bret’s room. I immediately turned on the light and I saw James lying on the floor, hands covering his eyes. "Who the fuck turned on the lights?"

“I did, stupid.” He would never recall any of this, anyway. “You said it was so dark.”

I settled the mug on the bedside table and bit my lip when some of the hot water reached my fingers. I came back to where he was, stood over him with my hands on my waist and slightly kicked his legs. He didn’t even flinch. “How did you end up on the floor?”

Now I don’t know where I am, I don’t know where I’ve been

“I’m still on the bed.” He stretched his arms and moved them as if he was making a snow angel. “Crap, I am not.”

I closed my eyes in frustration and exhaled. I opened my mouth to say something but I was distracted with the huge grin he had plastered on his face. “What?”

“You look like an angel in this light.” This was followed by a dreamy sigh. “With a halo!” He exclaimed and pointed towards the ceiling. I could get what he was trying to say—I was hovering over him that my head blocked the light coming from the fluorescent lamp, and my shadow covered his face.

I had to remind myself that he was under the influence of alcohol, that he wouldn’t recall any of this in the future, when I felt a tingling sensation traveling down my spine. Damn it, James. Sober or drunk,  you could sweep me off my feet.

Literally.

‘Cause when he asked me to help him get up because he needed to go somewhere and I pulled him up with every ounce of strength left in me, my grip suddenly loosened due to unbalanced forces, and we both tumbled to the floor. The result? James on top of me, our faces just whispering distance apart, our chest and arms touching and our legs and feet clumsily tangled together. Awkward was the word.

He was too close that the scent of the alcohol stung my nose. I tried to push him off me but he seemed really comfortable in this position. “James, get off me please. Ang bigat mo. ”

“Ah yes, I needed to go somewhere.” He replied, but still didn’t move. Wala atang balak tumayo.

“O ayun naman pala. Tayo na diyan!” I half-yelled. I was already experiencing difficulty in breathing. Partly because he was really heavy, and I think mostly because our lips were almost touching that I need to hold my breath.

After 48 years, he pushed himself up and successfully got on his feet. He started moving towards the right side of the room. “Where are you going, James?”

But I know where I want to go

He looked back to give me a goofy smile then said, “Sa puso moooooo.”

O Nadz? Nakatayo na di ba? Wala nang nakapatong sayo? Ba’t di ka pa rin makahinga?

And then he stepped inside the bathroom. Vomiting sounds erupted from where he was and I shook my head as I made my way to the bed.

And so I thought I’d let you know that these things take forever, I especially am slow

After he returned from the bathroom, he grabbed the mug on the coffee table and took a sip. “Elk,” he cringed after he swallowed. “This should be illegal.”

“What? I love coffee!” I tried to snatch the mug from him but he just pushed my hands away.

“Actually, this could be really good right now.” He took another sip and closed his eyes as he let the coffee travel down his throat. “Where the hell is Bret?”

“I texted him na. He’s on his way. Chill.”

He never said anything after that. He just kept on pacing while I watched him place his hands against walls, tables and chairs for support. When he got tired of walking around the room, he sat on the floor with his legs stretched in front of him and slumped. Sober James would never sit that way.

An idea hit me.

He would never remember any of this right?

“James? These past few weeks, why do you drink as if the world will run out of alcohol anytime soon?” I bent a little to see his face, who knows, he might’ve fallen asleep again.

“Because,” my heart leaped when he replied. “I want to forget what’s gone, and remind myself of what I have.”

“That’s a pretty vague answer.” I slid down the bed to sit on the floor, just across him. I leaned back against the bed and asked something I wouldn’t even dare asking sober James:

“Is it because of her?”

His head perked up, and I stared at the floor to avoid his eyes. Oh, shit.

I waited for a reply, but all I heard was the sound of his ragged breathing. I slowly lifted my gaze to see what he was doing. He took a sip from the mug and rubbed his eyes.

“It’s okay James, I understand.” I fiddled with the hem of my shirt. “Three years. Matagal din yun.” I exhaled and looked at him chugging all of the mug’s content. “Not that you owe me an explanation, of course.”

I tucked my hands under my chin and stared at him as he sat unmoving. His lips were slightly pursed, his eyes nearly shut, his whole body language telling me that he was deep in thought.

Maybe he misses her, so he drinks a lot to drown all the pain and sadness away. Siguro mahirap talaga mag move-on.

Another question popped into my mind as I was watching him. I hesitated at first, but he was drunk and there’s only the two of us here, so why the hell not? “James?”

“Hmm?”

I licked my lower lip, while I try to form a coherent thought. “Why did you ask for me? Why not go to her?”

I pressed my eyes shut and prepared for the worse.

Pang drunk thoughts ka lang. Yung kapag wala na siyang malay sa nangyayari sa paligid niya. He only thinks of you when he’s not himself.

But I realize that I need you, and I wondered if I could come home

“Because you’re the first person that came into my mind. It’s always like that.” I opened my eyes and found him with his head cocked to the right, as if trying to recall something. “It’s actually kind of weird because like when I discover a really nice song, I’d say, ‘Oh Nadine will like this.’ Whenever I find something funny on the internet I will think of showing it to you right away. Even when I learn a joke, the first thing that comes into my mind is, ‘I can’t wait until Nadine hears this.’ Yeah.” He still talked in the same sing-song manner and awkward rising intonation at the end and explained in a very animated manner.

I was a bit taken aback by the revelation. All I heard in my head was my name, first thing, first person. Those three things bounce off every wrinkle and each fold of my brain and I could feel my head throbbing while these words echoed in my mind.

He’s drunk. I know I’d already reminded myself that, but sometimes what comes out of his mouth feels a little more sincere than what I expected, and I don’t want to be that person who assumes things out of drunk thoughts. No.

Distraction. I need some distraction. I opened my mouth to say something but he suddenly asked, “Where the hell is Bret?”

“Dude. I’m here already.” We both turned to look at the doorway. Bret walked into the room, towards James, and tried to pull him up. I got on my feet and reached for the mug before James’s foot could send it tumbling and rolling on the floor.

“Thanks, Nadz. You’re an angel.” Bret told me as I watched him drag his bestfriend to his bed. James kept on mumbling and whispering something to him and he just nodded and said yes to everything.

“No problem.” I looked down at the mug on my hands and noticed it was empty. “I thought he hated coffee.”

“Change of heart!” James cried out. Bret and I let out a laugh. I excused myself and told him I’d just return the mug to the kitchen. As I made my way to the sink, I couldn’t help but think…

Change of heart, huh. I wish he’d say the same thing when he talks about us. When he talks about me.

We were on the set of My App Boyfie. The staff was still setting up, and Nadine went to get something from her car, so I decided to take a walk around the location. I ended up sitting on one of the park benches with a good view of the people putting up props.

“Liar liar, pants on fire.”

I tore my gaze off the people putting up the tripods and looked up to find Nadine standing in front of me. She had her arms crossed above her chest while her eyes gave me a death glare.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” It was an honest answer. I was actually confused; she was very lively before she left and suddenly she came back looking very mad.

“Exactly!” She half-yelled while she pointed her index finger at me. “That was my initial reaction when I read that you invited me to the Cosmo bash. I was like, buti pa yung internet alam nila na may invitation ako from you, ako walang clue!”

Oh. I bit my lip to conceal a smile. So that is why.

“Don’t be mad.” I pleaded as I patted the space next to me. She just stared at my hand, pursed her lips and looked up. “Aww, Nadz. Come on.”

Her face displayed a look of disgust while she said, “Definitely your face. Tse.”

I let out a laugh and looked at her. She was still trying to avoid my gaze, her eyes landing everywhere except mine. Her arms were now akimbo, and while she was busy pretending like I didn’t exist, I was thinking I never thought someone so mad could look this cute.

“Is it really a big deal?”

“Ewan ko sa’yo!” She stomped her foot and started to walk away but I grabbed her hand to pull her back. “Don’t touch me.” she said in a calm tone. She tried very hard to break free from my grip, but she couldn’t. I was never going to let her go just like that.

“Let’s talk, please?” I gave her my best humble, submissive expression. She just squinted her eyes at me, and I thought she wouldn’t let me explain, but after a few seconds she sat beside me.

“If this is what makes you happy, then, I am inviting you to watch the event. There.”

She let out angry throaty sounds upon hearing this. “Ew, James, That sounded so insincere.”

“Because I really don’t want you to go.”

She buried her face in her hands before she tucked them under her chin, her elbows resting on her thigh. “I hope you’re aware that you are being such a jerk right now. It’s so annoying.”

She leaned back and placed her hands on her thighs. I watched how her nose flared and the furrow on her forehead appeared when she said the last three words. My hands slowly moved toward her to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She leaned away from my touch and looked down at her interlaced fingers.

“Nadine? Nadine, look at me.” I said in the softest way possible. Her jaws were set tight, and I bent my neck in every direction just to make her return my gaze, but she was tough. It seemed she had built this great wall of I-hate-you-I-don’t-wanna-exist-anywhere-near-you to control her rage.

She looked furious and looked like she would explode anytime. “Are we really going to fight about this?” I waited for an answer, and when there was none, I stood up and bent my legs so that I was crouching in front of her. I placed one hand above hers and the other went to lightly push her chin up so she would look at me.

I heard someone gasp behind me. Must be one of the crews. Surprise and embarassment were written all over Nadine’s face as her head hurriedly moved from left to right a couple of times, throwing panicked glances everywhere. “I don’t want you to go. I mean it.”

“But why?”

“There’s too…much skin.” The words barely came out of my mouth. The real reason was still caught in my throat, and I was having a hard time trying to get them out.

She rolled her eyes at me. “Grabe ha. 20 na ako, I can handle that. Besides, I’ll go there to support you. And Seph.”

“And.. too many guys.”

“What the heck?”

“See, I dont-I’m not-ugh. Damn it.“ I hated that my brain was not cooperating. My legs were already feeling sore, and I still have not proven my point. “I-just-“

For the first time in forever, she smiled. The tension in my chest died, and I felt my muscles relax. Just like that. I’d like to believe her smile was therapeutic.

“I just hate the thought that you’d be looking at every guy that’s gonna walk on that runway. If you go, I’d get completely consumed with the idea that your eyes fell upon them before they even see me, and I’d end up wanting to punch everyone in the face.”

I avoided her gaze by staring at the ground. After a few seconds of silence, she stood up. She’s still mad. I’m doomed. But then my jaw almost dropped in surprise when her hands took mine and pulled me up.

“You could’ve just said you were jealous.”

“I am not jealous.” I told her, although I was pretty sure I was.

“There you go again.” She exhaled and smiled at me. “I’m not going anymore.”

“Yes, perfect thank you!” I licked my lips and clasped my hands together, a bit hesitant to ask the question. But I asked anyway. “Are you still mad?”

“No.” I heard the sincerity and honesty in her voice,and my insides sighed with relief. The heaviness in my chest was gone and suddenly nothing hurts anymore. Again with therapeutic.

I heard someone from the staff on our far right call out our names, and we headed towards them. I was wearing a big, goofy smile while we were walking side by side because 1) she was not mad at me anymore and 2) her hand was still holding mine.

On the night of the Cosmo event, Nadine was sending me a lot of texts. I was getting looks of curiosity from the staff and co-artists for I was sure I looked like a constipated man trying to suppress my laughter while reading them.

N: Good luck, jelly ace!

 J: Thanks, but I am not a jelly ace

N: *jelly bean

N: *jelly fish

N: *jelly roll

N: *jelly bee (yung endorsement ko HAHAHA)

N: I’m good right? I could go on forever

N: Okay buhay ka pa ba?

I was having a hard time thinking of a comeback. I know behind that teasing, she was trying to calm my nerves and cheer for me.

N: Liking a lot of photos on IG. You should pay me 250 per like

J: I know you just like what you see, don’t deny it

N: Touché. Alright, I have to go now. Bbyeee

N: P.S. Do me a favor and don’t come out wearing boxers. I swear to God I’m gonna rip our contracts in two if you do that

N: Just kidding, but seriously, don’t. Take care youuu

I smiled at her last SMS. What was the take care for? It’s not like I’m going to get injured or something.

And then the hole in the middle of the stage happened.

After the event wrapped up, I was attented to by the medics. I wasn’t bothered by the pain on my arm but by my vibrating phone in my pocket. I took it out, and tapped the green icon to answer the call.

“JAMES. 18 missed calls. I’m going to kill you.”

“I’m already injured and still you want to kill me?  I’m touched.”

“I know, that’s how much I hate you right now. Are you okay?” She said in a concerned tone.

I looked at my injured arm and watched as they put some povidone-iodine on it. “Yeah, I’m good. Got a huge scratch, that’s all.”

“No broken bones? No fractured ribs or anything?”

“Nope,” I said, popping the ‘p.’ How many questions will she have to ask before she believes that I am okay?

“Ikaw kasi, dapat andyan ako eh. Damot mo kasi. Jellyfish. Tas selfish pa. Isda ka talaga, James.”

I closed my eyes as my lips stretched to form a smile. I am starting to believe that everything about her has healing properties. “I’ll see you tomorrow naman.”

“Anong see you tomorrow?” Her voice had gone a notch higher. “You go rest.”

“I like it when you’re worried.”

“You find pleasure in my pain?!”

“Okay, let me rephrase that. I like it when you worry about me.”

I heard her snort. “Good one.” A pause, then, “I have to go now, nasa taping ako. Rest well at wag ka magpapakita sa akin bukas, I am seriously going to kill you.”

She hung up before I could even protest that I wanted to see her tomorrow.

The next day on the set, just as I came out of my car, I heard a very loud voice from behind me saying, “Ang tigas ng ulo!”

I held my arm in front of her. “Look, I’m good! I’m fine!”

“Whatever. I told you to take care, hindi mo sinunod. I said rest, hindi pa rin. Tsk.” She narrowed her eyes at me and set her lips into a thin line.

“What? I wanted to see you!”

“As if naman pag nakita mo ko you’ll get better. Haynako.”

I moved closer to her so that we were face to face. “Of course. You’re my happy pill, I’m pretty sure you could cure everything.”

Her face softened upon hearing that. She uttered, “Oh, shut up,” but she wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her face in my chest.

“Oh yan, yakapsule.” she said against my shirt.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

“Jaaaames! Pack-up na daw!” I heard her say in a cheerful tone. I opened my eyes and found a pair of gleaming eyes staring back at me. My lips curved to form a smile.

People have said her eyes had always shined like that. Twinkling. Like stars.

Fair point, but ‘twinkling like stars’ doesn’t quite cover it.

Her eyes are my entire skies.

Oh, scratch that. That still sounded not enough.

She is my entire sky.

At night, when everything else turns black, she is the stars, giving you hints of light and sparks of hope. A constant reminder that there is something beautiful and worth looking forward to, even in the dark. She could also be a shooting star moving across the night sky. One in a million, beautiful to look at, and makes you feel like all your wishes could come true. She is a constellation, something almost unrecognizable and incomprehensible in a crowd of stars, but little by little you see little parts of her get revealed and suddenly everything else falls into place, ‘cause now you actually, finally see her, and she is so wonderful.

She is the sun. A big, ball of energy giving light to everyone she touches. She makes days brighter. She radiates a pleasant vibe that can send your insides into a frenzy and make you want to swim in endless currents of warmth.

Basically, she makes the world a better place.

And if she is the sun, I am the moon. Not because I depend on her for light the same way the moon does—the moon’s glow is astonishing in its own different way, and it’s not recognized as some mere reflection of the sun. The moon is the moon, and it puts people in awe of it’s mesmerizing light.

She is the sun, and I am the moon.

She is one major reason why I shine.

You make me happy when skies are gray

When I didn’t answer, she snapped her fingers in front of my eyes and spoke, “Okay ka lang? Narinig mo ba yung sinabi ko? Pack-up na daw!”

“I heard you,” I replied, my voice almost a whisper. “I thought we had to film another scene?”

“Okay ka lang, James? It’s raining really hard. OA sa pagka-hardworking ha.” Her voice was raised slightly especially on the last part.

Only when she mentioned the rain did I realize that it was pouring heavily. I think I was too focused on her that I forget almost everything. It happens frequently these past few weeks; that strange thing happening every time she’s in the room—the whole environment falls into my blind spot, and she’s all that I see.

“So, why are you still here?” Not that I don’t want you around. Just asking.

“Mom went to the mall to buy something. Pabalik na daw. Hinihintay ko lang.” She closed her eyes and leaned back so that her head was resting on the pillow behind her. She was sitting on the reclining chair looking completely peaceful with her eyes shut and tight-lipped smile.

“James, do you hear that?” she said softly. “It’s the sound of nostalgia. I really love the rain.” She swayed her torso from left to right, as if dancing to a slow song only she can hear.

She did tell me once that rain gives her happiness. Before, I thought it was weird because most people relate rainy days to sad, quiet songs and thinking about memories and people that you miss, but soon after I realized why. She is the sun, and she could turn gray skies into silver linings.

With my one hand tucked under my chin, I stared at her. She had stopped with the swaying, but occasionally she would wrinkle her forehead then let out sighs. “James?”

“Hmmm?”

“How come you do not like the rain?”

“It’s not that I don’t like the rain.” My fingers started drumming against my thighs. “It’’s just that it brings out my sentimental side, and relive heartaches I thought were already irrelevant.”

Her eyes flew open and she gave me a full-blown smile. “Say, we change that now?”

“Huh?”

And before I realized it, she was on her feet and I was being dragged outside. We were under the rain. She let go of my hand and started running around with her arms outstretched the way kids do when they pretend they’re airplanes. She looked up at the sky and I loved the way the crinkles and the creases on her forehead appeared every time a droplet falls on her face. I just stood there and couldn’t help but smile at this.

“James, gayahin mo ko! Look up!” she yelled, and water went inside her mouth. I laughed at what happened, but I did as she said.

The water was cold but it felt nice on my skin. I ran both of my hands down the length of my face, then through my hair. I stayed in that position for a while, enjoying the sensation of water droplets trickling down my face and my arms, until I felt a tap on my forearm.

I opened my eyes and looked down so I could see her face. She was smiling while staring at space. Her hand was steady on my forearm, and deep inside I was thinking of the best way to remove it from there without hurting her feelings, because I was dying to wrap my arms around her shoulders.

And then as if she read my mind, she withdrew her hand.

But wait, there’s more. She inched closer and placed her head against my chest. She was very near; I was pretty sure she could hear and feel my heart hammering against my ribcage.

I slowly lifted my arm and as planned, wrapped it around her shoulders. I felt her body tense a bit under my grip, but as I rubbed my hand down to her elbow, she relaxed. She even started humming a familiar tune.

I racked my brain to recall what the song was. She kept singing with her lips closed and after a few second, I finally remembered.

It was Who You Love by John Mayer and Katy Perry.

My hand slid from her elbow down to find her hand. Her head perked up and she looked at me with questioning eyes.

“Wanna dance?”

The smile on her face was already screaming, “YES.”

So I placed my other arm on her waist and started humming along with her. We waltzed, slow-danced, swayed to the rhythm of the song. She wore this big, toothy smile the whole time and I could not help but to return it with a genuine grin.

I raised our hands and she did a quarter-turn to the right. At the end of her twirl, we were face-to-face, and the thing happened again—everything else faded out, and the world zoomed in to her hair, her eyes, her nose, her face. Her make-up had been washed off by the water, and her previously styled and curled hair was now plain and straight, but she still looked lovely.

“You happy, James?”

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you

“You have no idea.” I said as I slowly released her hand.

“Great!” Her face lit up. My sunshine. “You won’t be sad the next time it rains?”

I shook my head while smiling, “No. Not anymore.”

The rain had slowed down into a drizzle. We were standing side by side, and I don’t know about her, but I was having a hard time keeping my hands to myself. “Remember DNP? Yung eksenang-“

“Body heat?” I asked, my arms outstretched in front of me. She let out a giggle as she went into my arms. I snaked my arms around her waist and she buried her face in my chest while I rested my chin on her hair.

Please don’t take my sunshine away

We stayed in that position for I don’t know how long, and the whole time we were hugging, I was thinking of what I have in my arms.

This girl. My entire sky.

Some people might think I‘m already good without a partner, or I’m better off with someone else, but I firmly believe I’m my best and even better than that when I’m near to her.

She is one major reason why I shine. I will never get tired of admitting that.

So,

Please don’t take my sunshine away.