Lionhearted - Drunk (1.0)
Lionhearted. Very brave.
I'd like to believe I am that kind of person.
That's why I never liked being scared. I don't like the uncomfortable shiver it sends down my spine. Never enjoyed the army of tarantulas it sets on my stomach. Never took pleasure in the anxiety and the certain gloominess it brings to my head.
I had built this impenetrable wall of I-will-not-allow-this-thing-get-to-me around my brain and my heart to protect myself. To keep the tarantulas, the ghosts and the demons out. It had been working for me for quite some time now, and I like things to remain that way.
However, something strange had happened this past month. It was that one time when I felt like a demolition team came in from nowhere and started taking the wall down. Something, someone wants to get in. The tarantulas? The ghosts? The demons?
I vividly remember what happened that night. September 24. I was sure I didn't breathe for two full minutes when I heard the news. I could not focus on my scenes, kept on forgetting my lines, because all that filled my head was his name. What if it was a really serious injury? What if he was badly hurt? What will happen to him? To me? To us? I felt like I was thrown into a quicksand of questions about him, and before I knew it, the wall came crumbling down that night.
For the first time in a very long time, I felt scared.
It was no large, hairy arthropod. Not a ghost of my past haunting me. Definitely not a demon trying test my courage.
Remember the time you drove all night, just to meet me in the morning
I was lying on my bed, resting after a very tiresome day. We just came home from the venue for my 21st birthday celebration to do some final adjustments in the program. My aunt, being an event coordinator, wanted everything to be perfect for tomorrow night. To be completely honest, I didn't know how many times she asked me, "Are you sure this one's the best for you? Really the best?"
I couldn't sleep. I know I should be having my "beauty rest" so that I'd look fresh tomorrow, but my excitement wouldn't die down. My right hand went to reach for my phone, and just as I got hold of it, Bret's name and picture popped up on the screen.
"Hey, Nadz." Bret said as soon as I picked up. I blinked a few times to clear my eyes and my mind. "Happy birthday."
I sat up and leaned against the headboard. My left arm went around my folded legs as I smiled. "Bret, it's only 11:30 pm. Technically, it's still not October 31."
"Then, happy birthday in advance. Super OC talaga." He let out a laugh.
"So? Why did you call?" I asked. Bret never calls me unless he's going to ask something from me or something to that effect. I wondered what was it this time.
"Yeah, I just want to-" There was a long pause, and then, "Oh shit! You motherfu-no, dude! Wait!"
"What happened?!" I got on my feet as I waited for Bret to answer. I heard footsteps and intensified breaths on the other line. "Bret, please. Answer me!"
I heard him exhale. "He...That idiot...James." My whole body tensed when Bret mentioned his name. "He took my car! Shit!"
My hands were getting sweaty and cold from the way Bret's voice shook. "Calm down. Deep breaths." He obliged. "Now, tell me everything."
"Well, yeah I left him sleeping in the sofa to get my phone which was in my bedroom. So I got my phone and called you because he's been asking for you, again. It was actually a bit irritating because he was practically ordering me to call you." I would've smiled if it weren't for Bret's worried tone. "But he's drunk, Nadz. And driving. Holy shit."
And just like that, I was transported back to that night I learned he fell from the stage-no breathing for two full minutes, inability to focus, a gazillion questions in my head. I never liked cursing, but in that moment my mind was full of profanities written in bold, capital letters.
Bret was still on the other line, but he was quiet. After a few seconds, he broke the silence with the three words that I've been trying to avoid: "He could die."
"SHUT UP, BRET. HE WON'T." I snapped. I ran my free hand through my hair in a panicked manner. "I'm sorry." I didn't mean to shout, but what he just told me wasn't helping.
"What are we going to do?!"
I tried composing myself by pressing my eyes shut and breathing in and out deeply. "Do you have any idea where he's going?"
"No, he didn't tell me anything. Except your name. And a lot of curse words."
I started pacing around the room while I racked my brain with all the possible solutions I could think of. "I'm going to hang up, you try calling him. Then text or call me if he picks up or if he doesn't. Either way, inform me." Bret agreed, and I tapped the red icon to end the call.
I sat on the bed and stared at my phone for minutes, waiting for a text or a call from Bret. After a few minutes, my phone buzzed.
Called him five times. He won't answer
I hurriedly typed in:Â As in busy? As in subscriber cannot be reached?
God bless Bret for replying so fast. No I think he does it on purpose. The line goes dead after a few rings
I heaved a sigh of relief. Good, that means he's still
I froze for a moment and thought about what I should type in. Initially, I was about to write 'alive' but I brushed off the thought.
Instead, I wrote:Â Good, that means he's still awake.
Bret's name appeared on my phone's screen. Y dont u try calling him?
I took a moment to mull over his SMS. Srsly Bret, you're the bestfriend and he won't even answer your calls. What makes you think he'll answer mine? Try calling him again please
I waited for Bret to reply, but I got an incoming call from him instead. "NADINE." He half-yelled. "I'M HIS BESTFRIEND. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN TO HIM, AND I RECOGNIZE THAT IF HE HAD TWO PHONES IN FRONT OF HIM, GIVEN THAT I WAS CALLING ON ONE PHONE, YOU ON THE OTHER, HE'D HAVE A HARD TIME CHOOSING. OR HE MIGHT EVEN LEAN TOWARDS THE ONE THAT DISPLAYS YOUR NAME. TRUST ME. NOW GO AHEAD AND CALL HIM."
I winced as Bret ended the call. As I pulled the phone away from my ear, I saw that he sent me an SMS. Sorry for yelling. Call him now. I'll try to ask help from some of our friends. I'll call you if I find something
I was hesitant at first, but I followed Bret's advice and dialled his number. Nothing. I repeated the action nineteen times. Still nothing.
On the twentieth attempt, I broke down. I leaned back to fall on the bed and curled in fetal position with one hand covering my mouth, the other clutching the phone tightly. The tears started coming, and when I got a glimpse of my phone's screen, it read:Â 12:03 Friday 31 October.
Three minutes into my birthday and I am already an emotional mess. My whole body was shaking as fresh, warm tears made their way down my cheeks. What if he fell asleep while driving? What if he gets into an accident? How long will he be unconscious after that? Days? Months? A year?
The thing that I couldn't and wouldn't want to admit was basically chewing on my brain. No, I'm not going to say it.
My teeth dug into my lower lip as I try to keep the words from escaping my mouth. But after I took another glance at my phone's screen, I failed.
I swore to myself that it would never happen again. The feeling was nothing but dreadful, and I wouldn't want to experience something like that twice. From that night on, I had worked on renovating the wall, making it stronger and higher so that fear or anything that would trigger it wouldn't manage to creep in. I was confident that this newly refurbished barrier wouldn't let something like that occur again.
But... surprise, surprise.
James Reid flew over the freaking wall, and crash-landed somewhere in my chest, a little to the left.
The crying continued, and suddenly my face, my shirt, the sheets were all covered in tears. Good luck later, glam team.
A few minutes passed and I felt my phone vibrate. It was an incoming call. Probably from Bret. Who else would call me at this hour? I wiped my face with my free hand as I tapped on the screen to answer, "Hello?"
"Hi." My eyes went wide as I recognized a familiar voice. "I'm just outside your house. Please come and see me."
I was out of the room before he could even finish his last sentence.
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed, you felt as if you'd just woke up
The first thing I saw was Bret's car, and I silently thanked God that it was unscathed-no scratches, no broken parts. My eyes caught him stepping out of the car to meet me. When I saw him smiling as he walked towards me, everything else disappeared, and a small voice inside my head kept on saying, "He is here, he is alive!"
We were now face to face, and as I held his gaze, I felt sharp needles stinging my eyes. I pursed my lips to prevent myself from breaking out into a sob, but for the second time today, I failed. "You scared me to death!"
Water welled from my eyes and through my clouded vision, I saw him smile at the ground before pulled me into an embrace, then he whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm here now."
I tried very hard to appear tensed and stiff under his grip, but when he lightly pushed my head so that his shoulder was tucked under my chin, I succumbed to his arms. I wrapped my arms around his waist as he hushed and told me, "It's okay now."
I closed my eyes and breathed in the moment together with his scent-laundry soap, his perfume and the smell of the hair product he uses. Hold on?! I sniffed a few more times just to be sure.
"James," I grunted. "Were you really drunk?"
He cleared his throat as he slowly released me. "About that, I-"
I let out frustrated, throaty sounds. "I hate the world."
"Don't touch me." I held out one hand for emphasis.
"Just stay there." He told me as he went to get something from the backseat of the car. I was still trying to process everything when my phone buzzed and lit up. A text message from Bret:
I'm really sorry Nadz :-) (It was his idea, btw) Happy birthday beautiful! Jadine<3 My ship is sailing!
I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from laughing as I placed the phone in the back pocket of my shorts. As I tore my gaze away from my phone and looked up, my face broke out into a full-blown smile.
James was holding a bouquet of sunflowers in one hand and grinning from ear to ear. "Happy birthday, Nadine."
And you said "This is the first day of my life, I'm glad I didn't die before I met you. But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you, and I'd probably be happy."
"You don't have to do this." I said as I reached for the bundle of bright, yellow beauties. They looked even more vibrant in the darkness. I lightly ran my fingers through the petals and enjoyed my first birthday present.
He put both hands inside the pockets of his jeans and told me, "I wanted to."
"Huh, so Bret was in this, too?" He nodded slowly. "Tell him the acting workshop is paying off.He was very effective; I almost went crazy."
"Perfect." He said with a tight-lipped smile.
"Perfect ka dyan!" I walked towards him just to give him a slap on the shoulder.
He said nothing after that, and we stood side by side in complete silence. And for someone who got used to listening to his endless stories about everything, I surprisingly found the silence comfortable. All that filled the air was the sound of cicadas singing and the rhythm produced by our breathing, and it was... enough.
I felt him turned his head to look at me so I did the same. "Wanna go for a ride?"
I let out a horrified gasp. "Do you want to die? Are you really going to kill me?"
"I need to tell you something."
The offer was tempting, but I wouldn't take any chances. "Can't we just talk here?"
"I'm about to say something very important, and I don't want to mess this up. However, my nerves are not cooperating. Driving calms me down." His face had the word "Please" written all over it.
I rolled my eyes at him. "Fine. But I need to double check if you really are sober."
His face crumpled upon hearing that. "Come on, Nadz. I already told you. It was just part of the surprise."
"Ssshhh," I motioned for him to shut up. I moved closer to him and sniffed a couple of times to look for any trace of alcohol. My nose was almost touching his neck, and I saw his jaw tightened as I inhaled. I carried on with the 'inspection,' partly because I was making sure that he was not drinking, and mostly because I wanted to annoy him. Payback time.
"Nadine, stop. Trust me, I didn't even bother to take a look at the bottle of beers in the fridge."
"I need proof."Â Sniff, sniff, sniff.
He exhaled as if he let out all the air in his system. Before I knew it his two hands were already cupping my face, our foreheads were touching, and my lips were against his.
He opened his mouth, and I tasted a familiar mint flavor on my tongue. Of course, the breath spray.His arms snaked around my waist the same time mine wrapped around his neck, with my elbow resting on his shoulder. We kissed until we ran out of breath, and by the time we pulled away, we were gasping for air.
"How's that for proof?" He gave me an evil grin.
"Yeah, you're good." His eyebrows shot up and he chuckled. Oh, Lord. I shook my head with my eyes closed. "I mean, yeah I believe you." No alcohol. How come I was dizzy after that...thing happened? Ako ata ang nalasheng.
So if you want to be with me, with these things there's no telling; we just have to wait and see
The engine roared to life. The scene from earlier kept on playing inside my head in slow motion. While I tried to recall everything, I felt the weird sensation I experienced not so long ago grow inside me-demolition teams, tarantulas, and disintegrating walls.
"I am so scared right now." I saw him look at me in my peripheral vision. I pressed my eyes closed, and as soon as I did, the tears came.
"I thought we already agreed that I am just as sober as you are."
I slowly moved my head from left to right; a gesture to tell him that I was not talking about the issue of drunk-driving anymore. "What if things change? What if we get hurt?"
He turned off the engine. My eyes flew open, and I saw a very worried James on the driver's seat. "Alright. I'm not gonna drive anymore. I'll just tell you what I've been meaning to say since I came here. I'm only going to tell you this once." He heaved a sigh. "But first, please stop crying."
I placed the sunflowers I was holding in the backseat. I let out a low laugh as I wiped my face with the back of my hands. "I can't promise that."
"Tsk," he said, then the lights went out.
"Hey! Why did you do that?" I protested.
"I don't like seeing you hurt. Especially when I know it has something to do with me." He breathed out. "I've seen enough today."
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck, than waiting to win the lottery
"I remember everything, Nadine. That night you asked me why I drink too much, I didn't answer because I was thinking. Thinking of how to explain it to you. Now here comes the truth." There was a long pause before he continued.
"Initially, it was because I want to forget. Forget her. Do you remember the first night you came rushing to Bret's condo? I do. The morning after that, I asked Bret why you were there. He told me I kept on pestering him to call you. I was not aware of that.
"The first two to three nights were unplanned and was definitely about moving on. However, the rest was deliberately done. Don't you ever wonder why you're always available when Bret calls you?" He probably heard me puffed. "That's right, it was on purpose. Because somehow the shots that were intended for her, became for you. Change of heart, remember? You could say that I looked forward to getting wasted because I know I'd see you when I get home."
My mind was racing, and I could feel my stomach starting to get upset while trying to digest all of his words. The truth wasn't crystal clear yet, but his explanation definitely contained answers to some of my questions.
"Nadine," He said my name with such sincerity that sends my insides aflutter. "I don't want you to think that I only want you when I'm drunk, when I'm not myself, only want to be with you when I'm intoxicated with alcohol. So I'm going to man up, and tell you this. As an assurance, or whatever. I just think you should know this."
The next words that came out from his mouth took off the weight I had been carrying in my heart these past few weeks.
Besides maybe this time is different, I mean I really think you like me
"Drunk or sober, it's still you."
Six words. It only took six words from him to pulverize the walls I built around my head and my heart. My whole world shook as the barrier got demolished and reduced to tiny bits, until there was nothing. I've never felt so exposed in my life. I was vulnerable but at the same time stronger than I've ever been before.
With the help of the faint glow coming from the streetlight, I saw him smile. Our hands found each other in the dark, and as our fingers interlocked, I understood.
Being brave doesn't mean not getting scared. It means recognizing your fears and having the strength to overcome them. The strength could come from anything or anyone. That smile your parents give you when you made them proud. The picture of your dream house taped on your bedroom wall. The name you scribble repeatedly on the back of your notebook.
Or the hand you're holding right now.
James pulled my hand closer to his lips, and placed light kisses on my knuckles.
And I swear in that moment, I could finally say with utmost conviction...
 - Sorry kung may typos. Really sleepy na ako at sabaw while typing. Hahaha. Thank you for taking the time to scroll through my blog and visit my wattpad account. You guys are very much appreciated. <3