#jadineff

                                                ∞∞∞

There's this point in our lives where we'll find that something is missing. Sometimes, we don't know what it is that's lacking but most of the time we do- we don't just recognize it. Hence, we're just denying it.

Why?

Maybe because we don't want to get hurt.

Maybe, we don't want to feel pain.

Or maybe, we do not want to regret.

But the truth is, no matter how hard we try and as much as we want to escape this critical point in our lives, we cannot. And whether we like it or not, we only have two choices in life: (1) to accept the fact that life is full of regrets and (2) that life's a bitch.

Ganun talaga. Once we let someone go, once we do not do what we're supposed to do, or once we overdo or underdone something-we'll always regret at the end of everything.

If you'll come to think of it, life is a bit unfair.

Why do we always have to regret at the end of everything?

Why not regret beforehand?

Why not regret halfway? At least, we can still fix what is bound to be broken, right? We can still do something. We can still kill the fire before it can cause further damage.

But then, on the second thought, it makes sense. This consequence of life still makes sense. Kasi nga naman kung sa una o sa gitna inilagay ang pagsisisi, we will never realize the value of something that had been lost and had been taken for granted along the way.

James' one of those people who have been regretting the choices he made with his life. He's one of those million people who have been thinking of 'what could have beens'. He's one of those restless thinkers who have been asking themselves with the infamous 'what ifs'.

There are a lot of things that he could have done but can't do or re-do merely because it was over... his time was over and he can't do anything about it but regret.

Maraming sana, maraming bakit na tumatakbo sa isip niya. But what else can he do? Wala. Because the person that was missing in his life was already gone. Gone too soon that all he has left to do was, regret.

"Fuck!" James threw the pen he was holding. He was trying to write a song at the moment for an album that has been in a work in process for a year now. God knows how much he wanted to release a new album for his loyal supporters but can't because every single time he tries to create a song, he always finds the lyrics homologous- it consistently pertains to his experiences with his former loveteam partner, Nadine.

"Ting, ting, ting! A pen has died again." Enrique, James' most understanding and most patient friend, jokingly said while he was tapping the poor non-living thing that was lying on the floor. "Rest in peace, my friend."

"What do you want, Q?!" James greeted Enrique with a cold, cold heart. It wasn't the first time he greeted Enrique like that, in fact Quen has been treated like this since James lost everything including his career and his partner-in-crime.

Because of this, everyone has been commending Quen for not turning his back against his friend despite James' cold treatment towards him. Ganun siya ka-tiyaga. That's how much he values his friendship with James.

"Chill, J." He threw his hands in the air as if he was a criminal surrendering himself to a police officer. "Ang aga-aga galit ka na naman." He laughed attempting to ease the tension that was already filling the room.

"What brought you here, Quen?" He asked, trying to control his tantrum, just to be fair with Enrique's tone.

"Oh that-" Enrique's answer as if he almost forgot the reason why he rushed to his friend's studio. "Ito kasi-" He brought out his phone from his pocket, unlocked it and handed it over James. "Have you seen that? Bro, she came back!"

His heart skipped a bit when he saw the face he was longing to see again. He felt his heart beating in a two-second phase. It was surreal. Everything that had happened in the past flashbacked like one of those flashbacks you see in movies. The only difference is that it wasn't that dramatic, there was no song playing in the background- but the pain... the presence of the pain was undeniably overwhelming. He almost wanted to rip his shirt out like what Hulk usually does on the big screen when he's transforming from a cute hunky guy into a buffy-greenish-creepy giant. He almost wanted to knock Enrique off for letting him see the face he wasn't ready to see just yet... but didn't anyway because he thought it was pointless to do such a thing.

"Not interested, Quen. Don't wanna read that." He said, trying to play it cool but deep inside he was burning.

"Sure ka?" Quen said, carefully getting his phone from the monster holding it. "Ang sabi kasi dyan sa PEP, she came home with a baby. Not a baby, as in infant but a baby toddler."

"Baby?" James asked confused, yes it has been a few years since Nadine left but he didn't expect her to come back with a baby.

"Yes, you heard it right. A BABY." Quen said with a little bit of scheming upon sitting on a spare chair near him. "Liz came home with them. They were on the same plane raw." James didn't respond on what he said so he continued talking. "So what's your plan now that she's back bro? Your life has been a mess since she left, baka naman may plano ka na-"

"My life's already a mess even before she left. So what's the point?" James said, trying to counteract Enrique's provocative statement.

"Fine, edi your life has been messier since she left. Mabilis naman akong kausap." He immediately said to cut the drama out. "Ano na nga ang plano mo ngayong nakabalik na siya?"

"Wala." James said, not even thinking of the words that were coming out of his mouth.

"Wala?! Anong wala?!" Quen questioned, dumbfounded by James' response. It was not what he expected to hear from his friend. Clearly, he expected more, but was given less.

"What do you want me to do?" James asked, unease with the topic of their conservation. "Habulin siya? Suyuin siya? Magpakatanga?"

"Try to talk to her."

"Para saan pa?"

"For closure." Quen said forthrightly.

James stood up from where he was seated and head to the nearest window to somehow control the emotions that have been building up few minutes ago. He still is suffering from the consequences he did five years ago with his career and with Nadine's, so he thought that Enrique's suggestion wasn't a great idea... at all.

"We were never romantically inclined, Q. So what's the closure for?" He said, breaking the silence.

"You were, hindi nga lang official." Quen corrected him.

"Hindi parin naging kami. And for that matter, what you want to happen doesn't makes sense to me." He paused for a few seconds, thinking this time around. "She obviously has her own family now, Quen. And she looks happy." Referring to the photo he saw earlier. "I wouldn't want to meddle with her present life. It's not a fair game to be played lalo na ngayon na may asawa't anak na siya." Though it hurts to be spanked by reality, pero yun talaga e, marerealize mo lang kung gaano kahalaga ang isang bagay kapag nawala na ito sayo.

"Liz, thank you ha." Nadine said out of nowhere. Wala lang, she just felt the urge of saying it to the woman who has not left her side since she heard the news that made her change her entire game plan.

"For what Nadz?" Liza, Nadine's bestfriend, asked while she was pushing the cart in the airport.

"For picking us up, for investing your time, effort and money samin, for being there when I needed someone, for being the bestfriend I have always dreamed of and asked for, for being a great godmother to my babylove..." She smiled genuinely at Liza with the look of appreciation. "I'm basically thanking you for everything you've done for me and for Free, Liz. Really, thank you."

"Nadz, you don't have to thank me. I did all of this because you've been a great friend to me." She smiled at Nadine like she always does. "And besides, sobrang saya kaya maging Ninang pretty angel ni Free."

"Haha. But still, I want to thank you lalo na ngayon na we're back." She heaved a deep sigh. "I still don't think that this is a good idea Liz, but you're right-" She looked at her daughter sleeping peacefully like an angel on the stroller she's been pushing from airport to airport since they left New York. "I have to do this for her."

"Not just for her Nadz, you have to do it for yourself also. Diba nga you have an unfinished business here. Yung sa inyo ni..."

"I don't want to talk about him muna Liz, stressed parin ako na makakatrabaho ko ulit siya. I mean after five years akalain mong may market parin kami dito. Imagine that."

"Ganyan talaga, swerte nga kayo kasi may second chance pa, yung iba kasi dyan after they got separated from their onscreen partners ayun nawala narin ang fanbase kasabay nila." She took a moment to pause. "You and James are still lucky that the management still believes in the two of you. Kaya as much as possible sana don't waste it Nadz, don't let personal issues get in the way." She looked at Nadine in the eye and with just one glimpse, she knew that her friend's extremely scared of what's bound to happen next. "Nadz-" She rubbed her back. "You'll do great. Tulad ng dati, be professional and do your best lang." Liza gave her, her reassuring smile. "You got this."

The curve on Nadine's lips instantly showed up upon hearing those words from the friend who always knew what the right words to say at the right place, at the right time and at the right moment.

"Alam mo Liz, if only you were a guy I would have asked you to marry me today." She giggled even before Liza gets her silly joke. "But seriously Liz, sobrang thank you."

"Nadz, like what I said-"

"Papa!!!"

Nadine and Liza were both in shock when they heard Free shouting inside the airport. The kid was now screaming the word 'Papa' at the top of her lungs while running to a man who seemed waiting for the little girl's arrival.

"Free, come back here!" Nadine yelled, trying to stop her daughter from running away. "Tingnan mo yung batang yun, tulog lang siya kanina ah." She wrinkled her forehead and cocked her head to the side, facing Liza. "And since when she learned how to unbuckle her stroller's seatbelt?"

"Hmm." Liza's comment while laughing at Nadine's surprised expression. "Looks like someone learned a new trick to sneak away from mommy. Hahaha"

Well, Free sneaking around wasn't new to them. Since she turned three, or learned how to walk and run rather, she has been like this- escaping like a wild ninja most especially when Nadine's not looking.

Free's a very good girl, everyone who knows her can attest to that, but she's also naughty and super makulit at the same time- like Nadine. She's always all over the place and hyperactive yet ADHD negative- like Nadine. Basically, Free is her mom's reminder of how a pain in the ass she was when she was a little kid.

"Minsan talaga hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong matuwa na five na siya o hindi." Nadine said while she was watching her kid run.

"Hahaha. But admit it Nadz, it's more fun now that she knows how to talk and sneak around." She told her, still giggling like a kid being tickled simultaneously. "Go get her na." Still laughing. "And teach her not to unbuckle her seatbelt without you knowing next time."

"Nakakaloka!" Nadine slightly shouted after leaving her friend to chase her sneaky Little Naddie.

"Bubble gum princess!" The man immediately lift the little girl up as soon as she got close to him. "Ang laki mo na ha."

"Am I, Papa?" Free gave the man a cute smile and a hug that was so tight that he couldn't even move or breathe. "I miss you papa!" The kid said happily.

"I miss you too, little one." He responded while he was sending her kisses and hugs.

"Daddy, sorry." Nadine apologized, interfering with the Lolo and apo moment. "Ang kulit talaga nyan, buti nandito pa kami sa loob." She added, while catching her breath.

"Kanino pa ba magmamana?" They both laughed to her father's joke. "Oo nga pala anak, nakiusap lang ako sa guards kaya ako nakapasok dito sa loob. Ang dami kasing reporters sa labas mukhang hinihintay ka, sabi ng mommy mo you were already in PEP even before your plane landed here."

"Talaga Daddy?" She moved two steps forward to check if the reporters were still outside and found out that her dad was right. There were numerous reporters from different tv stations, waiting for her arrival. And then it hit her, she's definitely back- not just in her hometown but also in the limelight.

"Nadine, if they ask you who the baby was just admit the truth." His daughter's facial expression changed when she heard him say those words. "Kaya mo ba anak? O ako na?"

"Dad, maybe not now." She cleared her throat and looked at her dad again. "Papaunahin ko na si Liz lumabas, kapag nakuha niya na po yung attention ng press, that's the time na pwede niyo na po ilabas si Free."

"Pero anak hanggang kailan mo itatago yung bata?"

"Dad-" She paused for a moment to collect herself. "I don't think na ready na si Free dad."

"Si Free nga ba ang hindi ready o ikaw?" Her dad frankly said.

"It's not about me anymore, Daddy. Nakakaintindi na po si Free, ang gusto ko lang yung easy way na maintindihan niya yung situation namin." She forced herself to smile so as to wipe the worry away from her dad's eyes. "I will not hide her for long dad, don't worry. I'm just waiting for the right timing."

"Sige anak, I will respect your decision malaki ka na naman." He agreed, getting his daughter's point of view. "Basta ang sakin lang kung ano yang plano mo sana kasama dun yung-"

"Pa, let's not talk about this in front of her." She begged as soon as she noticed that her daughter's listening. "Balikan ko lang po si Liza, susunod narin po kami sa inyo agad." She pinched Free's chubby rosy cheeks. "Don't ever run from mommy like that ever again, okay?"

"Sorry Mommy."

"Apology accepted anak." She smiled as she plants kisses on her daughter's lips. "Go with Papa muna, I'll follow after a few minutes."

"Why?"

"Mommy has to talk to some people outside. You hate waiting di ba? So go with Papa muna and play with him."

"Okay! Make it quick mommy, I love you." And just like that, she felt her heart melting like a huge chunk of butter being burned in the pan. If there's one thing she'll never tired of hearing, that's Free's cute little voice which always reminds her of how lucky she is to be loved by her own child.

"I love you babylove." She kissed Free's forehead and smiled at her dad after doing so. "Ang swerte ko parin Pa."

"I tried. God knows how hard I tried to be in love with someone else. But it has always been you, Nadine. Even after all this shit, it's always been you and it will always be you. Just you. Damn it!" The man who happens to be James Reid said this to Nadine Lustre when he was caught up in a win-lose situation. 

“This is my box full of the parts of me that still love you. I call it my ‘ex box.'"

- Charlie (from I Ship It by Yulin Kuang)

— The first time I went to his house, I noticed a large, vintage mauve box sitting on the foot of his bed. It looked really pretty, but very girly for his taste, so I asked him, “What is that?”

He snatched his keys from his bedside table and raised his eyebrows at me. “Hmm?”

“The-tha-” I leaned my head against the doorway as I pointed awkwardly at the thing. I was suddenly uncomfortable with my question. I didn’t want him to think that I stick my nose at other people’s business, but the box felt really out of place in his black-and-white-painted room. Heaven knows I almost asked him if he was gay the minute I saw it.

His eyes followed the direction my finger was pointing at and he nodded once, then breathed deeply. “Uh.” He looked at the floor and my eyes caught how his grip on the keys tightened. My throat felt like it would choke on saliva. For some reason, I was nervous and a bit terrified of the answer. Maybe because of the way he was delaying it. From what I had seen and heard, the longer the pause, the more terrible the answer was. “That box contains all the parts of me that still belongs to her.”

I swore I felt blood leave my entire lower extremities that I had to hold on the door knob for leverage. My lips were set into a thin line, then slowly widened into a tight-lipped smile. “Let’s go get dinner?”

His head shot up and he walked towards me. His hand rested on the small of my back as he gently closed the door. On normal days I would have liked how he held me, but today was not a normal day.

We were already in his car but my head still hadn’t left in his room. I couldn’t get the box out of my mind, and I couldn’t help but think of all the possible things that could be in it. Old perfume bottles? Pages from her journals? Copies of all the songs they’ve written together? Her lingerie?

I was dying to know. In fact, I might or might not have made plans on how I will try to sneak in his room while he’s in the shower, and accidentally set it on fire. But then, there’s the smoke alarm, so I brushed the thought off.

I looked over at James whose eyes were very focused on the road. We had reached a red light and he let go of the steering wheel with a little frown. Our gazes met as he moved his hand to turn on the stereo.

“You seem very quiet. Are you okay, Nadz?”

I nodded to reassure him. “Yep, I’m just thinking of a lot of things.”

“Do yourself a favor and admit that you’re just thinking about me.” He teased.

The light turned green and he didn’t see how I rolled my eyes at what he said. None of us spoke again after that, and the sound of his favorite Paper Kites song echoed inside his car.

‘And you fill my head with you’

Yes, you. And your stupid box. Why do you still keep it?

I looked outside the window just to hide my deeply annoyed and hurt expression. He might ask why. Maybe he already knew, but just in case. I don’t want to spoil the evening.

All of the things that belongs to her, huh.

If I ever find your heart in there, can I keep it? — The fifth time I went to his room was months later, and the first thing that I saw was the blanket and the pillow I gave him. I found them in his bed, the blanket lazily spread out on his bed, and the pillow—well, the pillow used to be on the bed, but know it was on the floor. I grinned as I walked towards the bed to pick up the pillow and fold the blanket neatly. I also saw the pillow with my face on it resting on his covers and I had to bite my lip to a.) fight a smile and b.) check if everything I was seeing was real.

The space above his headboard was covered in instax photos I had taken and given to him. There was the one where I was wearing his NYE gift. A photo of us during The 1975 concert. And about 20 more pictures that had me in it.

On his bedside table was the GoPro I gave him. Next to it was the mug I also gave him that says, “I hate coffee. But someone I love gave me this mug.”

I was all over the place. Literally.

I was still giddy and overwhelmed by how his room looked like a museum of all my gifts and then from the corner of my eye, behind the door, I saw the box.

I’d like to call it Pandora’s box. I feel like when I open it, it will cast everything evil into our relationship.

I was determined to find out what was inside that box. I made slow, steady steps towards it, careful that James could step out of the shower anytime now. I was just a few steps away from enlightenment, when I felt strong arms around my waist and warm lips on my nape.

“Hi,” he breathed against my hair. I feel spiders crawling down my ribs and spine every time he does that. My eyes were still fixed on the box; somehow, I feel like it was laughing and staring at me, thinking, “You suck.”

I clenched my jaws and thought, Just you wait, Pandora. Soon. I faced James and he gave me a kiss on the forehead. I scrunched my nose at this, and he laughed before giving me a peck on the lips. “Your wall looks beautiful.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “Which-” I cupped his cheek with my right hand and pushed his head gently to the side so that he was looking at the instax gallery.

“Oh that!” He nodded exaggeratedly. “You take very good pictures.”

“I’m touched.”

He poked my nose with his finger and I glared at him. He giggled like a schoolgirl. Haynako, this boy. “And I’m hungry. Where do you want to eat?”

—

The nth time I went to his house was weeks later and we were, erm, busy. Doing things with our mouth. I wish that meant we were talking but well, no. (Sorry.)

I was gasping for air when we pulled away. He leaned in for another kiss, but my hand met his lips instead. “My throat’s really dry. I’m going to get some water.”

I grabbed the remote and paused the movie that we were watching (or not). I got on my feet and he let out frustrated throaty noises as he fall back into the bed.

“Behave.” I told him before I walked out of the room. I went straight into the kitchen to get something to drink. “Be back soon!” I heard him call out from inside the room. I could only roll my eyes at this.

As I was about to get something that could quench my thirst, I saw napkins with my notes in it held by magnets on the refrigerator door. I noticed my favorite tea and coffee were in the cupboards when I was searching for the glasses. He knew about my obsession with chia seeds so he kept a jar of them in his kitchen. There was also a piece of paper lying around that said, “Reminder: Look for chia seed recipes!!!!”

How could you not smile at this?

I took out the pitcher of cold water from the fridge, pour its content in the glass I found, and drank as much as I could. I was leaning against the kitchen counter, when I saw James emerge from his bedroom barefooted and without a shirt on. More water. I need more water.

“I said be back soon.” He said as he approached me and grabbed my wrist, rubbing the inside of my arms with his thumbs. “Relax. I didn’t disappear into Narnia.” I slowly removed my arms from his grip and snaked them around his waist to pull him closer. He frowned at me and it was adorable, I had to kiss his chin. He took that as his cue, I guess, and I felt his open mouth on the area just below my right ear. I pressed my eyes shut, feeling the intimacy of this moment, and when I opened them… I wished I just didn’t.

Because Pandora was there behind the sofa, staring at me from about six feet away.

I slowly let go of James when I saw it. I moved my head and my body away from his touch and when I did, he asked me in a worried tone, “Baby, what’s wrong?”

I looked at him in the eyes and said, “I wanna see what’s inside that box.”

He shook his head, obviously confused and annoyed. “Which box, babe?”

Who gave you the right to call me ‘babe’ when I’m mad? Shut up. “That box.” I pointed at Pandora.

His expression turned from exasperated to relieved, and he chuckled. “There’s nothing to see.”

“I promise I can handle it. Whatever it is in there.” I just wanted to see ‘those parts of him that still belongs to her.’ I also promise not to set them on fire.

“There is really nothing to see.”

“Then why do you still keep it?!” I half-yelled at him. “Is it to remind me that your ex is irreplaceable? That no one else can love you the way she did ? And that no matter what I do, no matter how much you love me, you can’t give your whole self to me because there are still parts of you that belongs to her? Is that it?”

I was already catching my breath and tears were already welling in my eyes. “And you know what? It sucks that you treasure those things from your relationship, while all the things I’ve given you are scattered on the floor and just everywhere. Like they’re not worth anything.”

He opened his mouth to say something, then he probably changed his mind and went to get the box. He stood in front of me and held the box, ready to open it.

1..2..

He was right.

There was nothing to see. There was nothing in it, literally.

I sinked to the floor and he held me while I sobbed. “It used to hold so many things, but the day after the first time you came in here, I decided to give it all back to her. I knew right then and there, I didn’t need them anymore.”

I wanted to keep crying when I heard him say this. He took my face in his hands like I was something fragile and gently wiped away the tears with his thumbs. “And please do not ever think that I don’t treasure everything that has to do with you. I put pieces of you in everywhere because I want to remember you in every corner of this house. I don’t want to keep them hidden away in a box; I want everyone coming in here and thinking that you were here and you are very welcome to stay.”

The earthquakes and the storms inside my head and my heart were calmed at that validation. There was a beautiful peacefulness in the air and I wanted to keep breathing it. I buried my face in his chest and managed to whisper, “Then why do you still keep the box?”

“Oh, that…” He began, and sounded unsure of how to continue. “This is going to sound really lame, but I thought you liked it. I saw how you always looked at it. Like you were very interested.” I grunted. “Are you kidding me? You honestly thought I wanted something that used to be your ex’s?”

“Well, I was also once hers…so-“

I slapped his arm as hard as I could. “Shut up. Do your job and hold me while I become very emotional.”

His body shook with laughter, and he placed soft kisses on my forehead. I looked up at him and sincerely spoke, “Okay, I’d take the box. It’s pretty.”

“Good girl.” —

We stayed on the kitchen floor for a few minutes before he carried me into his bed and tucked me in. He brought Pandora inside his room before he went back to the kitchen to make me some food. I stared at the large, vintage mauve box that I used to despise. Pandora.

Maybe just like in the myth, when everything that’s in it had already been released, hope springs.

A/N: Hello po. Sorry no part two of the surprise kyeme yet. It has been a while, and toxic slight ang batang manang sa acads. Sorry na. Hihi.

Sana po na enjoy niyo. Kung may typos, bukas ko na lang po i-edit siguro. Hahahaha.

Inspired by many, many things but mostly by I Ship It, a short film by Yulin Kuang. Check it out, mga beh. It’s on YouTube. :) I hope you’re all doing well. Thank you everyone for the reads and the comments. Although inactive ako ng slight, I’m still here and I read them all. Thank you.

PSHR and OTWOL soon. Great things are coming this year. Let’s be thankful. :D

God bless, everyone!

We had been sitting side by side for five minutes now, not one of us talking. With us, silence wasn’t a big deal. It’s not that we fought or had a misunderstanding; in fact, every time we get into this situation, I’d like to think that we have an unspoken agreement that we’re just both tired and we need some time to be alone with our thoughts.

I plugged my earphones and listened to the music that James and I have to dance to. In my head, I was recalling the steps and making notes about the choreography, when suddenly, I felt my left earphone get unplugged.

“James, please. Can I have it back?” I pleaded.

“What? I’d like to review the dance, too!” He closed his eyes and started nodding his head to the beat.

“Eh ‘di ba meron ka naman.” I pulled the cord to make the earphone fall off his ear, but he just kept on putting it back on. “Hoy, James!”

He rolled his eyes at me. Aba, the nerve! “Isn’t it more fun to listen to this song together?”

Ed Sheeran’s voice echoed inside my ear. Maybe we found love right where we are.

I sighed and threw my hands up in mock-surrender. “Fine.” I folded my arms in front of my chest and muttered, “Akala naman neto iba pa yung lalabas na sound pag sa’kin yung ginamit.”

“Yes.” I was surprised when he spoke. I thought he did not hear what I just said. “Iba talaga yung sa’yo.”

----

Okay, story time. Hahaha. I was going through my old documents and stumbled upon this baby right here. Di ko kasi naalala na may sinulat pala akong ganito, kaya ang gulat ko kinilig ako dun sa dulo. Hahahaha.