miss matrix 👁

I picked a crumb, believing it was a meal

you fed me false ideas

& my heart stored it as something real

as I loss my faith, my weight

I should've realized you were starving my soul of the nutrients of love by being fake

I couldn't see there was no fate between us

especially in the way you couldn't bring a thing to the table not even a plate

I continuously gave my time ,my patience

you'd just take pieces of my heartfelt feelings & store the rest for later

so greedy

never reciprocating what you've always been taking

what a fool I am to be waiting

the longer I waited for you the colder I got

to the point I no longer had an appetite for your presence

& so you no longer have access to my essence

you always gave me crumbs

as I foolishly gathered each piece perceiving it to be your version of efforts

I was very mistaken

you'd give it to the girl you truly wanted

eventually, I knew I was never going to be full off of love from you

so Ive gone somewhere else

where I am served five course meals of loyalty, devotion & love

because I know I am worthy of being someone's number one for once.

was once the strongest one standing

being birthed like branches

we grow & grow unless we stunt our growth

& still time decays our bodies like mold

yet like the trunk of a tree it doesn’t have to be the our creations

we can still live beyond what the body tells us

like planting seeds

to decay by age but live by spirit

to love , to give & live to the best we can

is the true immortal experience

the power of love surpasses the temporary mold we call skin, flesh

as when one passes away our love for them always resides in our hearts & in our chest

the priority we all should be focusing on

we claim we’ll get to next

I’ll try to learn how to heal , eventually

I’ll try to better my life choices , eventually

I’ll try to do that one thing I’ve always wanted to do , eventually

what happens when eventually never comes

what do we do then

a life we’ll have too look back at all the things we didn’t do & the lessons we didn’t comprehend

the better question is what are we doing now to prevent a “ my life could have been”

the answer isn’t perfection

the answer is self reflection.

your kisses felt like winter

like drinking ice old water after chewing spearmint

every time we kissed I pondered about

how maybe one day my warm spring lips could knock off your cold

it never did because it was never just your lips it was your heart too

I never understood how’d you have warmth

within your hands but not in the way you hold

when the sheets began to feel more comforting than your hands

I knew the future of us wouldn’t go as I hoped

I was just another girl to a roster I never signed to be apart of

another girl filling one of your voids when your horny , bored or whenever my name pops in your head

still I stood strong in my morals

just wanting to be around you , nothing more

still you placed me in category of girls who will never be your first choice

another girl searching for your emotional presence even support

a fool I was to keep trying to open your bolt locked doors

the closer I got you the futher I actually was

months to a year passed & still I didn’t feel like I knew you deep enough

yet the further I got from you the more I eventually saw how insecure you actually were

though physically I couldn’t see what insecurities you were hiding

I can now clearly see your nonchalant persona was just an exterior front to hide what really hurting

I always wished to tell you that your high walls cave you in a black & white box , blinding

you from ever feeling how freeing & lovely opening up can be when you have a person willing

to hear you , learn you & understand you

to miss something that was never really was yours in the first place

to hold onto people you know will never stay like birthdays

to keep going back to the things that leave you astray

to indulge in lustful actives yet look for love in the same place

to heavily judge others yet hate when they do the same

to oftentimes lie yet always expect the truth



to use others but hate to be used

to have malicious intent with ones that love you

isn’t it strange to do things that damage you .

& you said the color of my heart

I thought you’d say my eyes

you asked me

what’s my favorite thing about you

& i said the openness of your mind

you thought I’d say a size

a colorful heart & a open mind

we combined

you added peace to my mentality

& with all my questionings

you always explained why

forever making feel at home

I added new tones of color to your soul

colors that exist past the eye but only seen by the soul

even in our empty parts we made one another feel whole

our colors blended in the imperfect kind of way

we saw each other for more than we ever got to explain

…

these feelings I’ve been struggling to release are starting to strangle me

I am afraid if I let out this beast of pain I won’t return back to the same me

I won’t be able to stop the tears that I’m so anxious to let rain upon me

I believe I was better mentally , that things didn’t haunt me

I was wrong & now again I beg myself, please not again , a new season has arrived

I don’t want to fall so far down I forget how high I once was & why I am here

I don’t want to be consumed by theses self eating thoughts that tell me I’ll never be understood anyone on this planet called earth

I don’t want to believe again that my gullible heart is my biggest curse

im sorry , I apologize

sometimes I don’t realize how I’ve lost my mind

I always loose it in silence

silent cries , silent screams , quiet signs

why scream to the world that I am not alright

asking for help feels like I am extending my burdens

asking for help shows that the girl they see spreading light is actually feeling dark inside & is hurting

I’m not used to crying on shoulders & being hugged tight until I beg for closure

so i refuse most of the time , stupidly, pridefully & hypocritically

all the advice in the world that I’ve given & still I can’t take mines

I’ve ran so many circles around my mind

I am dizzy , exhausted & over trying

most days I want to melt into springs of my bed with sad tunes playing in my head

when I am stricken down by the weight of my flaws it feels like I am dying

yet I am always trying , I’ve always tried

daily trying my best to not be engulfed once again

to not loose myself completely in my mess

my grief , my trauma & self reflections

tears fill my eyes when I look in the mirror sometimes

terror runs through my veins when I speak aloud what I’m feeling inside

the paper I write my poetry on is my safest place

yet then people still don’t truly understand the meaning behind my lines

I got this i tell myself , I pray, holding onto faith

as my entirety is pleading , please not again

hoping I can listen to myself

that maybe I’ll heal properly this time & not so all over the place

as currently i am scattered within with my soul , heart & mind.

-themysticmatrix

deeply knowing you were already occupied with the fresh thoughts of somebody else

you played the part for as long as you could

yet I knew the day our hugs felt one sided & our hearts no longer seemed in unison

back then I understood you & you understood me too

now you don’t know me anymore & I don’t see the reasonings in the way you move

to see the light & passion leave from a person you love & praised high

loving you altered my brains chemistry

leaving you altered the vessel in my chest

& staying firm on my decision brought tsunami’s to my eyes every time I lay to rest

as a part of my world died & I still promised to stay by if you needed a shoulder to cry

& all you said was I can call you if I really needed too

I’ve had enough of loving too hard , too much

I was foolishly allowing someone who doesn’t see,

my worth , my light to tell me i am better off to the side

still learning to stop giving so much of myself to the unappreciative time after time

I had to stop & see what made my reflections so blurry in the first place & what have I been

held by & holding onto for dear life

what blinded me so heavily from my highest potentials & better knowings

as I’ve begun to try my best to understand what those many reasons were

like window wipers on a car

i know in order for me to be safest & see the whole road

I had to let go & start over & over again

even when it hurts & I don’t know where to go

It’s not until you emotionally clean parts of yourself , you then see all the baggage & dirt

not just the outside of you but the parts no one can see & especially not even you

It’s until we go deeper within

otherwise we only see what we want to see & only feel what were choosing to feel , concealing the things we need to say, spill

hidden feelings waiting to be seen & bruises waiting to be healed

I am on my path where cleansing within wont feel like a unwanted task at hand as the hardest part is to begin & stay consistent

𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 & 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸

𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘮𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘭𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘐 𝘴𝘦𝘦 & 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘪 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦

𝘫𝘶𝘥𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘭𝘺 & 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘦

𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴 & 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘐’𝘮 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 & 𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥

𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘵 & 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 & 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵

𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘺 & 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘦 & 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨

𝘢𝘴 𝘐’𝘮 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭

𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘴 & 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘱𝘪𝘵𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘵𝘩

𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮 & 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘬𝘴

𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮 & 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵

stuff me up with passions of love & smoke me like you do your tobacco backwoods

& when your done to put me out gently & don’t always leave me outside to crumble & dry

to protect me like you do your favorite pair of shoes on a rainy day

to maintain a willingness of being there for me on my hardest days just as you maintain the gas to your tank

to want to discover the parts of me you mistake for an opposite , to try to understand me like you do your college exams

to pay attention to me as hard as you do in the games that you & your freinds play everyday

to care for me in the same manners I care for you & not feel like it’s too much work

I wished to feel open enough to say theses things aloud to you and not feel like I would look like a absolute fool

I wished for you & was shown in every way not too

I wished for you to be someone that is not in you.

a written story the universe revises everyday , me

im a villain to some and a hero by a flip of a page

yet I still believe my decisions dictate how this life will play

like a multiple choice exam I pray & hope I ace this test of faith that’s been given to me again

faith that my tribulations won’t take me away

& that my darkest days turn into sunny days

a wooden stick, my physical vessel & heavy bag attached, my vast mind

I walk around in a world that I was born in but not placed in

my feet ache yet young is my age

relatable to a small collective that’s sadly not in my daily life or space

my true tribe is what my soul has been yearning for

but the universe shows me often that I must be alone for while first & I have ignored to do so

as I question why does everyone make temporary look so nice to have

I was faced with an answer as it was in my grasp & I see why I’m so over accepting peoples version of their loyalty or love for me slipping through my fingers as it wasn’t whole or true in the first place

bamboozled by potential



not to say, I am over loving or giving chances , I just need a mental break from mind games & gimmicks

i am exhausted of people hearing me & not listening to a thing , a heavy heart pouring into hollow ears

universe sends me gut punches every time I’ve said too much & as much as it saddens me



to express depth to a fly , I’ve gone mad so I choose to keep quiet instead

besides my universal talks with universe which is another form of me & my diary

talking through myself to myself feels magical & weird

as if I was the universe I would make all my distress & pains fly away

but then I guess wouldn’t learn theses hidden little lessons of life

like a star in the sky

yet I am studying myself this time

still struggling to see where I start , end or even belong 

elemental.

my mind ponders your lovely face

my heart craves your nature , your presence

my body screams for your strong embrace , your desirable scent

my words aloud are none to thin as I’ve become choked up on what to say

my inner feelings wants to speak with you everyday yet don’t want to force a thing

my eyes search for the notification of your name to pop up on my phone

questioning often if your thinking about me the way I think about you

do you wish things could play out differently too

how are we scared of true commitment but wanting to have each others last names

how can we be so scared to give deep emotion to someone of interest

deep interest of love

maybe because we’re on a weight scaled with the same baggage on each side

wanting the same results even when neither of us is truly trying , forever playing it safe

both of us not knowing who will make the first step into letting love in

who will let down their fear of thinking opening is a mistake

as much we both may want to our feelings doesn’t want to meet demise