no, not your spumoni

He doesn't have much time to sink into this thought, or consider whether he's trapped in one of his nightmares, because a phone starts ringing somewhere. Tommy takes a while to locate it, but then finds it inside a backpack, the same one he's used for years to carry things to work.

"Hello?" He answers without knowing what to expect.

"Tommy! Are you on your way? Have you stopped by that bakery near your house, the one with the chocolate and orange muffins? Could you bring some lemon ones too?" Someone speaks without pausing.

Tommy breathes with relief, he recognizes this voice.

"Chimney?"

"Yeah, it's me, your buddy. You were supposed to bring breakfast today, but you're running late."

"Today?" Tommy realizes he still doesn't know 'when' today is.

He looks at his phone.

"This doesn't make sense." Tommy blurts out. On the screen, the date is April 7, 2019.

"Not at all!" Howie agrees. "You're the most punctual person I know! Not even when she— Never mind. So, are you arriving?"

"No." Tommy replies automatically. "Where?"

"At the station? The 118? Where you've worked for almost 15 years?" Howie seems part annoyed and part worried. "Is everything alright, Tommy?"

"I..." Tommy breathes. Maybe it's all a dream, but how to get out of it? Maybe he just has to act accordingly, as we do in some of them. "I won't be able to go to the bakery. I'm not feeling well, actually."

"Are you sick?" Chimney sounds incredulous, but the note of concern that was there before becomes more present now.

"Yeah." He doesn't sound very confident.

Tommy knows he's not a convincing liar, which is ironic, he thinks, since he's kept a lie about himself for more than half his life, but it would be worse if he tried to do a fake mouth static now.

There's no way he's going to show up at the 118 in 2019. Evan started there in 2017. And as much as Tommy wants to see him, he fears not knowing what to do when he finds him there, in Tommy's old house, when the two would have nothing in common except the same ex (if they even still have that in common).

Chimney doesn't seem quite sure what to do after Tommy says he's just going to rest and then go to the doctor if he needs to. In the end, he accepts Tommy's flimsy excuses and hangs up.

*

Almost an half an hour passes, and Tommy remains on the couch, looking at the phone and seeing what he can find out. He sees the record of conversations with Abby. The last message they exchanged was a sort of "I hope you're happy." "Me too." He searches for her name on Facebook and discovers that she's traveling through Europe. This happened in real life, right? But why did he wake up here of all places?

Suddenly, his search is interrupted by the sound of someone knocking on the door.

Tommy apprehensively opens it and raises his eyebrows when he sees Hen on the other side.

"Hen?" He says, surprised.

"Good morning?" She says and does not wait for an invitation. She enters the room carrying a shopping bag. 

"Chimney was worried, he asked me to keep an eye on you. It's my day off, but I need to be home in 30 minutes or Karen will kill me. So what's wrong?"

She says all this, but doesn't seem angry, just straight to the point. Hen finally stops, leaving the bags on the kitchen counter, and then looks Tommy up and down.

"You seem fine." She points out. "But a little off. What happened? Nightmares? Insomnia? We already told you that staying in this place isn't going to do you any good."

"Yeah, right." Tommy says slowly, then notices the opening. "Why do I live here?"

Hen looks at him again, one eyebrow raised.

"I don't know." She replies, but she seems hesitant before adding. "We told you to move on and move out."

Well that tracks, Tommy thinks, because Hen and Chimney seem like their friends, the kind who are aware of his life. Can he ask?

"I woke up today and there are things I don't quite remember." He says, sounding honest, which he is. "Could you help me?"

"Have you been drinking?" Hen asks, glancing behind him, quickly scanning for any sign of bottles or anything else suspicious. Not so much to his surprise, there are a few scattered on the floor.

"No." Tommy raises his hands, then sounds almost desperate. "I'm just confused, ok?"

Hen thinks about it, but decides to give him what he asked for.

"Your mother-in-law died and Abby," Hen considers what to say next, "well, she wanted to find herself, so she went traveling the world and you're getting divorced, right?"

"Right." He agrees, because what kind of dream is this?

But honest, Tommy can't even be surprised by this. If they had gone through with the marriage, it probably wouldn't have lasted. He was at his breaking point in 2017.

"And I never asked for a transfer after Bobby became captain?"

Hen's eyes widen.

"Not that I know of." She seems offended by the prospect of him hiding this. "Sal, on the other hand, went to the 126. At least before he comes back."

"Wait." An alarm goes off in Tommy's head. "Sal went back to the 118?"

"Sal is our Captain, Tommy. He took over after Bobby Nash died. After the plane crash, remember?"

"And Evan Buckley?" Tommy asks abruptly. An urgency growing in his chest. Because the shock of knowing Bobby is dead can't be separated from the image Tommy has of Buck breaking down alone in an empty hallway.

"Who?" Hen frowns.

Tommy stares at her. Evan moved to LA before 2019. They should at least know him.

"The--" Tommy stumbles over his words, he has to describe who Evan was years ago. "The new guy? Buck?"

"Eddie Diaz is the new guy." Hen informs him, without getting what is bothering him.

And then it hits him. Sal left in 2015, two years before Evan started at the 118... He didn't replace Sal, he replaced Tommy. The next hire would only be two years later, when Eddie joined the team.

"He must have gone to another Station," Tommy says to himself. And his face must be making a weird expression.

Because it's all weird. He didn't want to meet Evan in this dream, but now that he doesn't know where he is, where he's gone, and if he's okay, Tommy feels like he's starting to panic for the first time since he woke up here. Bobby was important to Evan, Tommy knows that. What would happen to him without the 118? Without Bobby?

For a moment it's like the lights flicker. He hears a high-pitched sound. He was cold before. He remembers... He can almost feel it again... His balance falters. And then a distant "Tommy!" seems to want to reach him unsuccessfully. Evan.

Tommy leans on the counter and for a moment he feels like he's going to fall. It was as if his body had a different weight; he could almost feel his body from seven years in the future.

"Tommy, you're really not okay." Hen now looks worried. "Do you want a ride to the hospital?"

"No, no. I'll be fine." Tommy says without being sure of it

One thing became clear to him. Tommy needs to know if Evan is okay, if he's happy in this reality. Maybe it doesn't make any difference, but hearing about him, or his absence, seems to have been the only real thing to affect Tommy here.

Before Hen leaves, he decides to test the waters. He needs to know a little more about this version of himself, to know who he can count on.

"Hen? Do you know I'm gay?" Tommy says bluntly.

Hen looks at him as if Tommy had said something in another language. And then she smiles at him, but there's understanding in her gaze.

"I had my suspicions." She says. "But you never said anything like that before."

"I'm not out."

"No." She seems to sympathize with him. "Actually, you still wear your wedding ring. You don't talk about it much."

Tommy nods. He found a version of himself that was buried deeper in the closet and in denial than Tommy ever wanted to be.

"But you don't need to make an announcement," Hen says. "It's not always easy, and I remember how it was when Gerrard was there. Is that what's been bothering you?"

"Kind of," Tommy lies. "But I'll be okay."

Hen then goes to Tommy, puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes.

"You will."

*

After Hen leaves, Tommy spends some time going after information, then calling some people he knows in the department and at Dispatch, which is how Tommy discovers that Maddie doesn't work there. It takes a while, but he manages to get some information. Evan Buckley was assigned to the 144 after leaving the Academy, but he didn't complete his probationary year. Apparently, he was fired. After that, Tommy didn't find much else. 

But then Tommy gets another clue. It turns out Maddie is in town. Not as Maddie Han, but as Maddie Buckley. She works as a nurse. Tommy finds some news about Maddie, but other than that, she seems to be doing well.

Tommy was about to go to the hospital to talk to Maddie in person when he realized the easier way out. Evan doesn't have Facebook, but he does have Instagram. Tommy has never been much into social media, but Evan is the opposite. He passes through some other Evan Buckleys and finally finds his Evan. He still uses the nickname he got at the Academy, but his account is different. "Buck," and his Instagram is basically a thirsty trap. There he is, the "Buck 1.0" he'd vaguely heard of. The person Evan was before he had the first "most transformative relationship” of his life with Abby. Which Tommy suspects never happened here. To Tommy's surprise, even though it's not June, Evan's bio has a little flag and a description that includes the words "bi and proud." So this Evan must have discovered himself earlier. Jealousy rises in Tommy's stomach.

Maybe there's another man, who didn't ruin his chance with Evan because he felt insecure, or because he was afraid of having his heart broken and then made sure it did happen like an idiot.

From the posts, Tommy also finds out that Evan is working in some bars and clubs, sometimes as a bartender and sometimes as a DJ, which seems like something new for Evan's catalog of professions.

Like a good stalker, Tommy Kinard already knows where to find this version of Evan Buckley tonight. From the photos he looks fine, but Tommy needs to be sure. That’s all.

He gets up to leave and hesitates for a moment, and then the lights start flickering again. He was in the middle of the water, he remembers... He managed to get out, but he was so tired... and bleeding... His head starts to ache again.

"Tommy! Don't leave me, ok? Stay!" The voice is familiar.It's so desperate!

Someone will break. Something has already broken…

When Tommy comes back to himself, it's as if nothing happened. He's not wet or bleeding. He doesn't feel his lungs choking. But one word still echoes in his head with desperate longing. 

tommy is man enough to admit he has a WILD crush on this guy, but he's professional enough not to let it get in the way of doing his job. anyway, he really likes taylor too — she's funny and ambitious and a little mean which are all characteristics tommy really likes in a friend. while evan is sweet and enthusiastic and full of sunshine, which are all things tommy likes in a guy. not that it matters, he reminds himself, because taylor's not going to be his friend, and evan's absolutely not going to be his man. normally, he can guess within a few minutes of meeting a couple whether they're going to stay together, but he really can't tell with these two. the vibe he gets is good friends with a lot ot sexual chemistry.

the show goes on — tasks, activities, honesty challenges, whatever they do on this show, again, i apologise, i have not watched it oops — and tommy continues to spend a lot of time with both of them. he and evan hit it off immediately, even beyond the things they have in common. a couple times tommy thinks there's something more to it — evan's almost too interested in what he has to say, finds too many excuses to hang out with him and talk to him about things other than his relationship with taylor.

the day before the show do their "new relationship" twist, where each half of a couple gets assigned a new person to live with for three weeks, to see whether the grass is really greener, evan and taylor have a huge fight, and neither of them will tell tommy what it was about. oh, they give him reasons ("he doesn't respect my work and his 'family' hates me" vs. "sometimes i don't think she even wants to be with me at all, she doesn't take me seriously"), but he can tell they're both holding out on him.

evan gets matched with a vet tech named elena who is sweet and funny and has none of taylor's sharp edges. taylor gets matched with an entrepreneur named alan who is hot as breakfast, but takes himself extremely seriously and has none of evan's sweetness or enthusiasm (unless you count his enthusiasm for perfectly calibrating his pre-workout stacks).

tommy thinks it's going to make them both realise how much they like each other, maybe they'll make it after all. and then he gets a text from a runner who works on the show saying buck needs to talk to him urgently. once the moment of "who the hell is buck?" has passed, tommy hurries over to the apartment evan is currently sharing with elena and finds him pacing up and down the corridor. the first thing out of his mouth is "i think i have to quit the show".

tommy's not as cutthroat as some of the producers who will do anything it takes to keep a contestant on the show, but he does need to know more, and he doesn't want evan to sacrifice his fee if he walks. "okay," he says. "why don't we go get a drink and we can talk it through?" evan nods, looking pitifully grateful. tommy takes him to a nearby coffee shop, because he doesn't drink with contestants on the show. evan looks around with big, wide, worried eyes like he's expecting the place to be full of other producers who are there specifically to listen in on their conversation. tommy fights against a deeply unhelpful wave of affection and buys their coffees.

it's worse than he imagined. "taylor's writing an article," evan says in a hushed voice. "about the ethics of reality tv." tommy thinks, shiiiiiiiit, and starts flicking through a mental rolodex of every interaction he's had with either of them. crush aside, he doesn't think he's crossed any lines. but there's a really messy couple that one of the other producers has been handling, and there are always, always people on these shows that need therapy more than they need to air out their relationship woes on national tv for entertainment. and then evan says, "but we signed stuff. i don't want her to get in trouble." and if tommy wasn't already falling for him, he thinks that would have done it. "if i quit," he goes on, "if i say they can't use my footage, will that help?"

they go back and forth on it for the length of time it takes them to drink two coffees each. at one point tommy says, "it's sweet, that you're concerned for her. you're a good boyfriend." evan's mouth twists unhappily and he says, "don't give me too much credit. i'm so…i'm so embarrassed, tommy. we came on this stupid show — sorry, i know it's your job, but if i have to do one more ridiculous fake date or honesty exercise i'm going to lose my mind — and i don't think she ever even wanted to figure out if we should stay together or not. i think it was just a way in for her." ambitious, that was the first thing tommy noticed about taylor, the first thing he liked about taylor. now, looking at the way evan's drooping like a sad puppy sitting outside in the rain, it doesn't seem so endearing. "i'll talk to her," tommy offers. "don't do anything yet, okay?" evan nods, sniffs, thanks tommy for the coffees.

on their way back to the apartment complex where the contestants are staying, evan stops on the sidewalk and says, "um. thank you. i'm—i'm really glad it's you." tommy doesn't know what to do with that, so he reaches out, intending to put his arm over evan's shoulders and give him a jostling, bro-y half hug. instead, evan reaches out in return and the gentle way he puts his arms around tommy, the careful way his hands spread wide on tommy's shoulder blades like he wants to feel as much as possible has his heart racing with stupid, stupid feelings. he closes his eyes and lets evan hug him for way longer than he should.

tommy doesn't get to speak to taylor until the next day — she's filming a yoga date with alan, which tommy's fellow producer describes as 'a total shit show'. when they sit down together the next morning, he doesn't waste any time, just tells her he knows about the article, and waits to see what she says. what she says, with a smile is, "i'm a reporter, tommy. i'm always working on articles. you'll have to be more specific." tommy frowns and tells her that evan is worried about her from a legal perspective. she scoffs and says, "he always does this. i'm a professional. i spoke with my editor, we spoke with our legal department. i'm not stupid. i thought about it before i did this." tommy can't help himself, bursts out, "did you think about him? he's heartbroken, taylor." "oh, he is not," she shoots back. "believe it or not, in spite of all your little late night chats, i know buck better than you do. he's embarrassed and he doesn't want to hear his family say 'i told you so' for the fifth time." tommy can tell that taylor's used to that tone taking her a long way, so he pushes down the spike of anxiety about late night chats and just raises his eyebrows. "god," she mutters. "fine. give me your phone, i'll talk to him." tommy's busting through a bunch of rules here in the interests of damage control, telling himself it's damage control for the show rather than for evan's heart. he puts his phone into taylor's outstretched hand and she dials, holding it up to her ear as she says, "a little privacy?"

tommy doesn't know what they talk about, but taylor looks a little subdued when she brings his phone out to him, and they make it through the rest of the show without incident. tommy tries to ask evan about it, but all he'll say is "we talked. we made some decisions. thank you for helping." tommy feels like he's going to vibrate out of his skin for the rest of the recording, and his heart is in his mouth when he watches their final filming. "we've decided to separate," taylor says. "we have different priorities," evan says. "we love each other, but we're not a good match anymore," taylor says. "there are other things we want to explore," evan says, and they have to reset and reshoot because taylor lets out an incredibly unladylike snort of laughter and evan gets the giggles. tommy doesn't think he understands these two at all.

two weeks after filming wraps, taylor's article drops. it actually could have been a lot worse, and tommy's never been so grateful that he's in a position to pick his jobs and to no longer have to work on things that make him feel as uncomfortable as some of the early roles he took on.

a day after that, he gets a message on his work phone from evan. can we meet? it says. i'd love to buy you a coffee. it's such a terrible idea, tommy knows that. he says yes anyway.

when they film the reunion episode a couple months later, taylor doesn't attend. (tommy knows for a fact that she was very deliberately not invited, because the higher ups are mad as hell about the article because even if it doesn't make allegations of misconduct, it does absolutely skewer the show as a whole, and what it says about the reality tv industry.) evan does attend, and tommy has to look away and bite his lip hard so he doesn't give the game away when evan says, "i'm good. i'm really good. i'm actually seeing someone new. i know it's fast, but i really like them. like, a lot. i can see it going the distance."