My Random Fandom Ramblings

At the start of season 2, Lucy wants to get to know Tim better on a personal level but one of her first attempts is met by a three word answer: Gym. Dinner. Study (which is more than she would have got in season 1, mind you) that tells her pretty much nothing and actually worries her a bit about his lack of personal life. And so the bet is born. Would he take her advice to focus less on work, try some new hobbies, go on a date? Definitely not. Would he tell her about any of it if he did? Probably not. But that's the beauty of the bet: she appealed to his competitive side and suddenly she has an accuse not only to essentially force him to heed the advice she never actually got to give but also to hear all about it and ask/learn more about him in the process. Like a loop hole, or Trojan horse, to get behind some of Tim's walls. It ends up working better than Lucy ever could have imagined because when Tim starts dating Rachel there's suddenly a connection between their personal lives causing them to discuss things they never would have otherwise (e.g. Lucy's ex and ex-BFF getting married) and allowing them more insight into the other as a person rather than just a cop. They're friends by the end of season 2 (as Lucy astutely points out in 2x19) and I don't think that would have happened without the bet.

Then in 4x06 Lucy's excited to be riding with Tim again (even if it is as his go-fer) after not riding with him for x number of months after she made P2. However, when she offers for Tim (and McGrady) to be on her "task force" he declines meaning another entire shift away from him. So the next bet is born and suddenly Lucy has an excuse to be constantly texting him throughout the day, which she does. It also seems like Lucy is looking for an excuse to spend time with Tim outside of work at this point. If she had won, that "something outside of your comfort zone" likely would have been something that couldn't be completed on shift and when they tie Lucy suggests an out of work activity (escape room) as a tie breaker. Unfortunately, Tim is completely oblivious to this and when he calls off the bet at the end of 4x07 she loses her excuse and so they really spent little time outside of work together until they started dating.

In 7x01 it's finally Tim's turn. He's deeply missing Lucy but trying to respect her need for space. Then she becomes a new TO and he wants to help because he knows how hard it can be but she's not interested and it hits him: will she share with him about how it's going with her new Boot? Probably not. Will she come to him if she's struggling and needs help? Seems unlikely. So he makes a bet of his own and suddenly he has an excuse to consistently check in, to know she's doing okay. It also has the bonus of giving him a reason to just be around her and talk to her in general. A safe, neutral topic, another Trojan horse to get behind walls. Again, it works better than he ever could have imagined. Not only is he there when Lucy has so many issues with Seth and is able to support her through her decisions. But she starts to feel safe with him again, open up to him again and ultimately forgive him. I'm sure this would have happened eventually without the bet but I think without that safe topic and excuse she would have been a lot more avoidant and closed off for longer.

“Do you remember the rules?” Tim asked Tai, their 5 year old son as they got out of the car.

He nodded, “no running, stay with you, ask before touching anything, especially the dogs.”

“That’s right,” Tim smiled, “are you excited.”

 “Yes!,” Zoey, their 3 year old, yelled enthusiastically as she came around the car with Lucy to join the boys.

 Tai nodded enthusiastically, “I can’t wait to meet our new dog.”

“Pickle,” Zoey sang.

“We haven’t picked a name yet,” Tai reminded her.

This was true but hey had been throwing around name suggestions for the last couple weeks. Zoey was set on Pickle or Pancake. Tai claimed he couldn’t pick a name until he met the dog but gave examples like Brownie, Blackie, Fluffy, Scruffy and Snowball. Tim’s top contenders were Dodger and Xanadu. Lucy, herself didn’t have a strong preference but had suggested Franklin or Aretha. With Kojo, she had just kept his name since he already knew it. She had changed the spelling and pronunciation slightly to remove the association with the killer dog from Cujo, the horror novel/movie. Tim had joked his full name was Koby Joseph. 

As they walked through the front doors, Lucy could already hear barking coming from the back and she reminded herself and the kids that they could only leave with one. After talking with the staff at the front they headed into the kennels. Lucy’s heart broke at all the adorable faces looking out at her from in between bars. Her and Zoey took their time, stopping at each kennel to read the information posted on the door and say hi to the dog residing within. Tai and Tim on the other hand surged ahead seemingly on a mission. Twenty minutes in, Lucy and Zoey were about halfway down the first row and Lucy was trying to explain that Boxer’s are named for their play style, like a boxer in a ring not because they put things in boxes, when Tai came back, dragging Tim and clearly trying very hard not to run.

“I found our dog!” he shared excitedly, “come on before somebody else takes him.”

Zoey eagerly grabbed Tai’s outstretched hand before offering her free hand to Lucy who happily took it. As Tim guided them back the way they had come Tai became more and more excited and Zoey fed off her brother’s energy, following suit.

“Just wait til you see him,” Tai gushed, “he’s so perfect.”

“I think the sign actually said female,” Tim added, “he’s a she, buddy.”

“Oh,” Tai considered, “doesn’t matter, she’s still the one.”

As they walked Lucy looked at Tim, silently asking what about this specific dog was so special. Tim just gave a little half shrug ‘beats me ask the kid’ his eyes seemed to say.

“Stop,” Tai suddenly declared, “close your eyes. It should be a surprise.”

Zoey immediately shut her eyes as tight as possible, her entire face squished by the effort. Lucy was so distracted by how cute her daughter looked she forgot she was supposed to be shutting her eyes as well.

“No peeking, Mom,” Tai griped.

“Sorry,” Lucy laughed, immediately shutting her eyes, “what about Dad?”

“He can look. He’s already seen her.”

“I’ll help guide,” Tim assured her.

“I’m going to pick you up. Is that OK Z?” Tim asked his daughter.

“OK,” she replied. 

“Perfect. 1, 2, 3,” Tim said. Then Lucy could hear him lift her up.

 “Ok bud, I got Zoey. Are you going to carry Mom,” Tim teased.

“No,” Tai laughed, “I’m not that strong.”

“Should we each take a hand then?” Tim suggested.

Tai must have nodded because next thing Lucy knew her son was holding one hand and her husband the other and she was being led forward. After a couple steps they stopped and she was directed to turn as Tim guided her by the shoulder and Tai by the waist.

“OK, open your eyes,” Tai declared, “meet Boots.”

When Lucy opened her eyes and saw the dog in front of her, her first thought was that she reminded her of Kojo. She had the same strong bully head with cute perky ears, soulful brown eyes and a wide smiling mouth. Unlike Kojo, she had a long slender tail, which was currently wagging a mile a minute. She was also taller and more lanky than Kojo and had different colouring. While Kojo had been brown and white, this dog was completely black except for her paws which were white to up past her 'ankles'. It looked like she was wearing socks or- 

“Did you say her name was Boots?” Lucy asked.

“Yes,” Tai declared proudly, “because look,” he finished pointing at her feet.

“Like Dora’s monkey friend,” Zoey squealed happily.

Boots whined as she pressed her snout through the bars trying to greet them properly.

“Hi beautiful,” Lucy said greeting the dog, “are you a good girl?” She continued, scratching under her chin causing her to press her entire body against the cage door.

“Can I pet her too?” Tai asked politely.

“Me too,” Zoey added raising her hand.

“You can pet her side,” Lucy offered,” remember to be gentle.”

As instructed, the kids both began stroking along her ribs, as the dog began shifting her weight side to side on her back paws as if doing a little dance. 

“What does it say about her?” Lucy asked, turning her attention to Tim.

“Not much,” Tim offered as he stopped ruffling the dogs ears to re-read the posted information, “Spayed female, large (73.0 lbs), black, Pit Bull Mix, Young Adult: 5 months - 2 years. That’s about it except that according to the shelter her name’s Geraldine.”

“Boots is better,” Tai stated.

Lucy couldn’t argue with that they obviously couldn’t keep a name that was clearly meant for a goat.

“How about Shadow or Onyx or Blackie or Socks?” Tim suggested.

Tai shook his head, “her name is Boots.”

“Yeah,” Zoey piped in, “right Boots,” she continued, addressing the dog who responded by cocking her head to one side and wagging her tail even harder.

“What do you think Luce,” Tim asked, “does “Boot” still have a negative connotation for you because of your hard-ass TO?” 

Lucy laughed, “I think I’ve moved past it. Turns out he’s actually a really big softy.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. You should see him with his kids.”

Tim smiled, “So are we doing this?" 

Lucy shrugged, “Are you ready to train another Boot?”

Tim laughed, “Bet you she’ll be the best I’ve ever trained.”

Lucy shoved him playfully, “I mean has to crack the top five, just look at that face.”

“I try not to notice how cute my Boots are,” Tim teased.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I did it once, got me into trouble.”

“What kind of trouble?” Lucy bantered.

“I fell in love, got married and had 2.5 kids and dog.”

“Sounds perfect.”

Bonus thought: Although Castle's been off the air for almost 10 years now (crazy) the other three will all be returning and although a crossover would never practically happen it would be awesome. The renewal and reboot/spinoff news made my spring.

"Does sodium thiopental actually make us tell the truth or does it just make us disinhibited and chatty?”  Lucy asks as she continues to feel the effects of the drug.

Tim shrugs, “not sure, I would assume the latter.”

“Only one way to find out,” Lucy offers, “ask me a question, but keep it simple.”

Tim thinks for a second, “What’s your name?”

Lucy puffs up her chest and puts her hands on her hips to make herself look bigger before answering in a exaggeratedly deep voice,

“My name is Sergeant Bradford and I eat Boots for breakfast,” she begins to giggle but is quickly interrupted by Tim.

“I hope one day to make you Sergeant Bradford,” he starts before throwing his head back, frustrated by his lack of filter, "well, not make you-"

“I’d like that,” Lucy cuts him off with a shy smile, “but I’m keeping my last name.”

Tim grins, “Deal, but then whose last name do the kids get or are we going to hyphenate?”

Lucy shrugs, “let’s just mash them together, Bradchen, no, Chenford,” she laughs, “okay we’ve got off topic we’re supposed to be trying to see if we can lie.”

“How about sarcasm?” Tim offers, “It’s really important to me to carry on my family’s naming tradition so I have to insist our first born be named Tum.”

“Tum?” Lucy questions.

Tim nods with mock seriousness, “My father was Tom, I’m Tim, so my child must be Tum.”

“Why not Tem or Tam-“ Lucy starts then her mouth goes wide as realization hits, “oh my god, Tamara.”

“What?” Tim asks struggling to follow her thought process in his intoxicated state.

“Tam is short for Tamara,” Lucy clarifies, “and Tamara is essentially our oldest kid meaning you’ve already carried on your family’s naming tradition without even trying.”

“Great,” Tim groans.

Lucy laughs again, “Look at the bright side now you have complete freedom in choosing names for the other kids.”

“So should we just start brainstorming baby names then?” Tim smiles.

“I don’t see why not,” Lucy teases, “It never hurts to be prepared.”

“Do you think we’ll even remember any of this when we’re sober?” Tim asks.

“Probably not,” Lucy admits, “I guess that means we’ll just have to have this conversation again in the future.”

For months before they started dating that fear had haunted her.  Then on a sunny day in the Midwilshire station parking lot she finally just blurted it out, “if we do this and it doesn’t work, I’ll have ruined the most important relationship in my life.” It had felt like the whole world stopped and then he asked her if she wanted to get dinner and for a moment nothing else mattered. Excitement and relief had quelled all her fears. However, no matter how great their relationship was, and it had been great (she’d meant it when she told Tamara it was the most amazing relationship she’d ever been in, and that never changed.) those fears and insecurities always forced their way back in.

Lucy wasn’t sure exactly when Tim had become her person, probably around the time of Jackson’s death, but he had. He was her friend, confidant, and support-system and the thought of losing that only increased as they grew closer once they started dating. Then it happened. Tim ended it. No indication. No discussion. Just a final verdict ruling the relationship over and it had been just as bad as she had feared, maybe worse. Joy, comfort and passion had been replaced with anguishing uneasiness every time she saw him and recurring discomfort and uncertainty every time she had to overcome her automatic response to go to him for anything (everything). She had been so relieved when she realized a couple months ago that the happiness and ease was back. The idea of risking that again made her physically ill and overall she liked where they were. Familiar banter, lively bets, and uncomplicated company and discussion. Yes, she missed the physical aspect of their relationship and she was not proud of her less than stellar excuses to get Tim back in bed (okay maybe she was). But, she knew that the way they were going wasn’t sustainable. She probably couldn’t find a probable reason for a hook-up on every holiday. She was sure she could do something with “trick and treat” for Halloween but was at a loss for July 4th and wasn’t keen on waiting so long in between anyways. Plus, it wasn’t fair to Tim. She could tell he was eager to try this (them) again and really be all in. She wanted to share his certainty but she was still flagged by doubts.

She shared his confidence that he wouldn’t screw it up this time. She didn’t feel the same conviction about herself. In her nightmares, it had always been her that messed it up. After all, Tim had done this before. He had been married for years and always focused on maintaining the relationship. Even when he hadn’t seen Isabel in two years and she couldn’t care less if she ever saw him again as long as she got her next fix, he still cared about her. Lucy on the other hand had never been in a serious relationship. Her longest relationship before Tim was four months. She had no idea how to be in a serious relationship, let alone how to incorporate it into the rest of her life and balance it with her other responsibilities, particularly work. Especially when being a cop and being in a relationship were regularly trying to convince her they were mutually exclusive.

Bishop’s warnings from her early days at midwilshire still regularly echoed through her head warning her about splitting her focus, risking her reputation and sabotaging her career, as did numerous jokes about failed first marriages heard in the station locker room. You add to that the rules against dating those in your chain of command and Lucy’s interest in UC work coupled with Tim’s complicated history with it and you get a constant mental tug of war and related anxiety.

She had told herself the answer was to be proactive, address the potential for problems before they become real issues. She had been worried about potentially transferring to a new station to get out of Tim’s chain of command. What if she had bad hours, difficult colleagues or decreased opportunities that negatively impacted her career? Would she be angry with herself? Regret the decision? Resent Tim or their relationship? But when Tim took the court liaison job instead of relief those worries were just replaced with different ones: what if the boredom came to make him regret his decision? What if that caused him to resent her? So she had been proactive, spearheading the five-player trade to get Tim moved to Metro. She kept it from him, not wanting him to stop her, lest her worries be realized or let him see her insecurities in their relationship.

Her plan worked, however, it had the unfortunate consequence of making an enemy out of Prim. This of course then led to her spiralling when preparing for the detectives exam. Did she make a mistake by orchestrating a plan to get Tim moved to Metro? Did her relationship damage her reputation and sabotage her career just like Bishop warned? Then she took that anxiety out on Tim. Whether just because he was there or he felt safe or because deep down she blamed him for being so irresistible that it led to her putting herself in that position, she wasn’t sure.  She is embarrassed and ashamed of how she acted but at the time the anxiety had taken over. Her worries about the detectives exam pulled with them her worries about her future career and their relationship. What if she never made detective and couldn’t pursue her dream of UC? Would she blame or resent him? Would she come to regret the relationship? What if she did pass and become a UC, would he come to reset her and regret their relationship? She had tried to address (at least part of) the issue proactively but looking back, its clear she was not thinking particularly rationally at the time so instead of dealing with the problem she only really succeeded in antagonizing Tim. Although, they gained a bit of insight about his subconscious reservations that may be helpful in the future it was not relevant in the moment, because in hindsight, it was clear Tim was never trying to sabotage her. He was trying to support her in the best way he knew how and he continued to do so when she her exam score ranked 17th.

Their relationship had returned to normal and Lucy never took accountability for her behaviour. Then Tim blew their relationship up so bad it didn’t matter what her anxiety spiral had caused. But he has since addressed his issues. Has she addressed hers? She wonders that often. Sometimes she still thinks about the detectives exam. Regrets the five-player trade. Wonders if her results had nothing to do with Prim and everything to do with her focus being split, like Bishop had warned.

To cope with the break-up she had turned all her focus to work and it resulted in her making sergeant. Not only getting promoted but finishing first. It was a win she desperately needed and is immensely proud of. But it makes her wonder, could she have accomplished the same feat had she still been with Tim, would she have been distracted? Or did her desire to get back to Tim give her some extra drive to succeed? She’s yet to find a satisfying answer. What is clear is that Lucy is torn.

On one hand she wants to be with Tim. She loves him. He pushes her and challenges her while also making her feel safe and cared for. She can see their future together so clearly: a house, 2.5 kids and a dog. She knows if she doesn’t give it another shot she will always wonder "what if". Will always compare her life with the fantasy she’s concocted in her head. But what if it’s just that, a fantasy. What if they try again and it doesn’t work. Afterall, Lucy just started a new position, with new people and new hours. She’s already exhausted and frustrated and tense. That doesn’t seem like a promising mindset to be in to try again.

Tim’s made it clear he’s ready to commit. The way he talks with such certainty about his intentions almost feels like he’s on the verge of proposing and she has a very foggy memory of him mentioning something about moving in together before she nodded off. She can understand his reasoning and she’s flattered and tempted. However, she can’t imagine being able to handle that amount of change on top of her new promotion, at least not gracefully. She doesn’t want to spiral again. She doesn’t want to hurt him, or herself. The reality is where she is in her life right now, she’’s not ready to try again, and it kills her. She feels guilty. She wants to tell him to wait for her, to plead with him for more time. The thing is she’s pretty sure he would give it to her and that doesn’t seem fair to him either.

She imagines telling him that it will never happen between them in hopes that he would then be able to move on and her heart shatters. She can’t picture him with someone new. It’s not that it makes her sad or angry, she just can’t do it. Like it’s inconceivable that he could be with anyone but her. Probably because she feels that way herself. There’s no one for her but him and she knows he feels the same way. So she’s back to only two options: jumping right back in or asking him to wait.

He’s been so patient, taking her lead, respecting her boundaries and although she knows that its all part of him making amends for breaking her heart the idea of asking him to continue on like this makes her feel guilty especially when her reservations have little to do with his narrow-sighted dumping and everything to do with her own insecurities. Although, it’s not like she can just ignore the break-up either. She has forgiven him and does believe he won’t hurt her like that again but that doesn’t mean the wound it created has healed completely.  After all, despite heavily implying it he still hasn’t given her a full, real apology, one that actually includes the words “I’m sorry”.

Even still it feels wrong to ask him to wait, particularly because she doesn’t really know what he’d be waiting for. Until she finds her groove on night shift? Until she’s able to get another assignment with better hours? The fact of the matter is it’s hard to know where she wants to be in her career when they give it another go, when she doesn’t know where she wants to go with her career, period. Unlike her crystal clear fantasy future with Tim she no longer knows what her dream job looks like, and that also scares her.

She loves being a cop and takes great pride in excelling at her job. She doesn’t want to end up neglecting that to pursue her domestic future with Tim just because that path’s clearer. Does she want to circle back to detective and pursue a career in UC? Maybe, but she’s no longer dead set on it. As a way to cope with her Detective exam result she had made a list of all the cons of a UC career and although they were heavily biased, many were also true and worth considering if she really wanted to go that route. Did she want to be a patrol Sergeant long-term? Maybe a TO too? Her experience with Seth made that option pretty unappealing but maybe she’d try again. Tim and Nolan seem fulfilled. Did she want to pursue a specialized field? Maybe. She would get a dog if she joined the K-9 unit, but she’s worried she’ll miss the diversity of patrol.

She’s sure she’ll find the career path that’s right for her but she’s worried about being able to balance that pursuit with a relationship and future family. She’s already in her mid-30s and Tim his mid-40s. She hates to admit it but the biological clock is ticking and she feels decades away from feeling secure enough in her career and life to care for a child. Yet, when she’s joking about it with Tim, she’s confident that’s what she wants. So here she is again: not ready to start but not wanting to wait.

She’s nearly positive if Tim asked her point blank to try again she’d say yes instantly. Which is why she’s been hesitant about having this conversation for months, because although she wants that, she’s worried it’s not the right thing to do, that it will only lead to more heart break.

She takes a deep breath as tears streak down her cheeks and onto the chocolate croissant in front of her. Why does every decision lately feel so heavy? Sometimes she wishes she could just shake a magic 8 ball and have it make the decision for her. Then something clicks: make the decision for her. That’s what Tim and her had been doing: making decisions for the other without their input. Lucy chose to get Tim a position in Metro and to address his reservations regarding UC he didn’t even know he had. Tim decided the best way to protect Lucy was to break-up with her and that her getting promoted was an invitation to have the conversation she’s not quite ready for. As that realization sunk in she almost laughed. What an absolutely stupid miscommunication to be having from two people who at their core are a team.

Whether it was TO and boot, sergeant and go-for, friends or romantic partners they have long shared their thoughts, valued each others opinions and made decisions together. Lucy wiped her tears as she grabbed her phone and opened her text chain with Tim, she knew what she had to do.

“Hey, sorry I fell asleep. I really appreciate all the food. I know we have a lot to talk about and I really want to have those conversations but I need a little more time to get my feet under me with the new promotion. Are you free next Saturday?” 

She hit send and within seconds received a reply.

“Looking forward to it.”

Reminder for questions asking people to rank aspects of the relationship the scale was as follows:

1 = very dissatisfied/disappointed

2= somewhat dissatisfied/disappointed

3 = neutral

4 = somewhat satisfied/happy

5= very satisfied/happy