Something Educational

She came back a few days later to say that my story didn’t match up with his–this implication being that my story was wrong. I reiterated what I’d said before: that she had a choice to believe the abuser or the abused, but his reasons don’t change the wrongness of what he did.

“He said you got in his face and screamed ‘Fuck you,’ and that when he held you down it was because you were trying to run away.”

“I’ve already stated that I didn’t get in his face and scream that, but even if I did it wouldn’t justify hitting a child less than half his size in the face. Second, I’m pretty sure running away from someone who just committed violence against you is a perfectly normal and rational reaction. Trapping an abuse victim with her abuser, however….”

She says she wants us all to go to counseling together, which I’m …. unsure of, at best. My parents have a habit of individually showing up to my house when I’m in disagreement with the other in order to try and convince me of whatever it is they want.

“Your dad doesn’t know I’m here.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what he says when he shows up after I disagree with you.”

“Well, I’ve never sent him over so he was telling the truth. He’d be upset if he knew I was here now.”

“He says that too. You guys are really good at tag-teaming this thing. I actually expected you to show up a few days earlier.”

They’d also be the ones paying whoever the counselor is, and I didn’t hear any talk of it being anyone but the three of us. Maybe they want my sister to come too, but I don’t think that makes me feel any more at ease. I’ve never had a good counseling or therapy session ever, so we can start there. Honest introspection has done way more for me than talking to some jerk in a chair who doesn’t actually listen to the words I’m using anyway.

(…”I won’t even go down a grocery store aisle with someone else in it because they always end up in the way and I don’t want to have to talk to anyone.”

“Why don’t you just say ‘excuse me’ if they’re in the way?”

“I literally just said I didn’t want to talk to them.”

“Well, that’s not really talking…”

“Um, yes it is. When words come out of your mouth, it is called ‘talking,’ which is why I used that word.”)

But also, I’m a grown up now. I shouldn’t have to attend counseling with my parents. Right? Like, that’s really flipping weird, right? I mean, I guess I can see how one should view it as a good thing–my family loves me and they want us to have a good relationship–but it feels an awful lot like they’re trying to keep or get control.

the only real advice i can give you ---since I myself am still trying to find my bearings--is to weigh your options and understand that the only person you really need to answer to is yourself.  if the relationship with them is more harmful than it is good, change that relationship. if in order to change it you need to not see them as much any more, then so be it.  

this sounds harsh but one day they will be dead and gone and you’ll be by yourself. and yeah it’ll be sad to not talk to your parents any more (i’ve contemplated this and frankly am very tempted to cut mine off entirely, we’ll see how christmas goes this year).  IF you want to keep them around, is it because you want to be with them or is it because you think you have to because they’re your parents? because loving someone doesnt mean you have to like them and certainly doesnt mean you have to keep them around.  I love dairy but it gives me diarrhea so i dont eat it. 

parents are people and that is probably the most earthshattering thing a person learns as they come to adulthood. i realized the first time my mother had been lying to me about just about everything (she took thousands of dollars from me over the years, saying my dad wasnt supporting her when in reality she was taking his money too) that you dont become awesome once you procreate and you certainly dont need to do any interviews or testing to get to become a parent.  my mother in a fit of rage and mental breakdown waved a gun around and threatened to blow her brains out, rather than call the cops or an ambulance, my dad called me to come rescue him and when i refused to answer the phone (i’d moved out by that point) he disowned me. Great guy. 

A verbal abuse victim often …

distrusts their spontaneity and suffers a loss of enthusiasm

lives in a perpetually in a ready, on-guard state

wonders about how they are coming across

thinks and feels that something is wrong with [them]

soul-searches and reviews incidents in hope of determining “what went wrong”

hears only [their] internalized critical voice

suffers from anxiety or fear of being crazy

wishes [they were] not the way [they are] – “too sensitive”, etc.

is hesitant to accept [their] perceptions

tends to live in the future – “everything will be great when/after”, etc.

has a distrust of future relationships

I hate when parents would say this.

Credit to Chrish. Go check out his videos. They are hilarious. 

How My Parents’ Bad Marriage Helped Make Mine Successful