Mr. Nottie's desires

She had let him run his hands up her sexy legs at the bar, and then on the dance floor he ha his hands all over her sexy ass, and he was even bold enough to kiss her long and slowly.

She looked over at me while he was touching her and gave me sexy smiles, knowing that she was fulfilling our hottest fantasy.

We receive a lot of questions on the Hotwife Lifestyle – how to get into it, how to bring it up, whether or not it’s “healthy”, why some people are so drawn to it and others find it…off-putting.  It seems, though, that the majority of our questions come from men who are worried to express their sexual desires to their wives or partners.  Here’s one such question:  When D first told you he wanted you to be with other men what did you think? Were you excited or did you look down on him? I’ve tried round about conversations with my wife and when the topic of swinging or being with other people comes up, she says she doesn’t want to be one of those kind of people. That people who really love each other don’t want their person with someone else. She says she’s so glad I’m not one of those guys, but I am just haven’t told her. I’m afraid she’ll hate me.

The answer to this question isn’t simple, and I will definitely say that in very few situations is someone able to bring up something like this, without previous interest shown by their significant other, and have that person jump completely on board.  It’s not one of those “Oh my GOD, I’ve been waiting our entire relationship for you to say you want me to be with other people” type of things.  There are stages that women go through when they find out about these things, in most cases, and I’ll go through the stages that I initially went through.

Stage One – Wow, this is a pretty cool “fantasy”

So, D brought up the idea that “alternative lifestyles”, namely swinging or a threesome with another man, was something that erotically turned him on.  D and I were (and still partially are) “long distance”, so you can imagine that we’ve had many hot and heavy conversations with each other about sex, fantasies, etc.  It was never brought up as “I would like you to do this”, rather more in the context of telling a story about watching me meeting a man at a bar and taking him up to a hotel room and then D coming in to watch and eventually participate.  I fed back into the fantasy, telling him how I would do things, what I would wear, how I would act, etc., because at the time I fully thought this was just long distance “pillow talk”.  

D knew about my past with my ex-husband – I won’t go into great detail, but he cheated on me, was a porn addict, alcoholic, forced me physically to do things that were painful both emotionally and physically, etc.  He knew the way that I felt about monogamy (that it was something I desperately wanted), so he just spoke about things in “fantasy terms” and I was okay with that…it was FUN!  I knew that D had been a “swinger” in the past with his ex-wife, but I was under the impression that he didn’t enjoy it…that it was something he did to keep her happy and to make life easier at home in a terribly dysfunctional marriage (I’ve since found out that I was slightly wrong in this belief, as he did enjoy it, just got tired of some of the ways she handled things).  I was okay with his past, because he said that after a while he lost interest in it, and I figured that it was just a fun fantasy that we could share together in bed.

Stage Two – Okay, this is for real and I’m terrified

At some point, D began expressing more of an interest in “trying out” some things in the swingers community.  I was shocked at first…but I was also new to the relationship, newly divorced, and I wanted him to think I was the “cool girl” who would do anything to make him happy.  I thought to myself…”How bad could it really be?”.  Was there an interest in it for me…maybe a slight one, just because it was taboo and crazy, and I think I had something more like “Eyes Wide Shut” in mind, you know, beautiful people dressed in tuxedos and cocktail dresses with masks and sex that was sensual and erotic happening in almost an artistic way.  

D found a few swingers sites, got us on Tumblr, and we started looking into things.  I also started to realize that a lot of what I saw wasn’t exactly what I had pictured.  I also started to really think critically about whether or not I wanted to give up monogamy – at the very least not giving it up on my side by allowing him to be with other women.  We flirted and chatted with a few couples, and my suspicions about my comfort level were indeed correct…I was not okay with my man showing an interest in another woman.  D was actually pretty okay with that…he said he was more turned on by the idea of me being with another man anyway.  His ultimate goal was to have a threesome with me and another man…I figured “I guess I could do that once – even if it was terrible, it would only be for a couple of hours and then I would have made one of D’s fantasies come true”.  So, we started looking into finding a threesome partner…I got scared again and didn’t think I could go through with it.  I was worried about becoming one of “those people”, that my parents and friends would look down upon for being slutty or whorish or somehow a derelict member of society.  I was worried about people finding out.  I was worried about how I would feel about it after the fact, and I was most worried about why in the hell a man that said he loved me would possibly want me to have sex with someone else…that was cheating, right?  Men who love their wives want to keep other men away from them, not invite them in to fuck them, right?  

Again, I was going through a whirlwind, and D was there to assure me that everything would work out if I would just give it a try.  He would be the BEST and most ATTENTIVE boyfriend/fiance/husband in the world if I did this.  I would be showered with more romance than I could possibly take.  I would be rewarded handsomely for doing this for him…and, yeah, that all sounded pretty damned good to me.  Did I mention I’m a die hard romantic, and if I’m tempted with grand romance and romantic gestures I have a hard time resisting?  

Stage Three – Learning Mode…bury myself in the research

So, here is when I went into full on research mode, as is my nature.  I researched every aspect of this “kink”, the psychology of it, the “real life” situations, talked to people online, read blogs, articles (both from real couples and psychologists).  I started to realize that my “ideal” of monogamy is something that was probably given to me when I was a child and was influenced by the way that I was raised to be a classy, demure girl who kept certain things sacred.  Sex was sacred, you only gave that away to people who you thought you loved or you planned to be with…I was the girl who made boyfriends wait months and months to have sex, and lost a few in the process.  Before D, I had only been with 4 other men in my entire life, one of which was my ex-husband.  So, you can imagine that his “proposal” of having a threesome was scary…very scary.  

I actually stumbled upon the idea of Hotwives (he had brought it up before, but it wasn’t his focus at the time).  I thought…”well, this might be easier…just meeting a guy one on one, having a date and then having sex”.  I always knew I didn’t want a “bull” who would take me to a seedy motel, rip off my clothes, slap my ass and fuck me…I guess I was looking for the “romance” even in a situation that didn’t appear romantic at the start.  Again, this was supposed to be a way to “get my feet wet” enough so that I was comfortable enough to make D’s threesome fantasy come true.  I figured…what the hell, what’s the harm?  Not to mention, I’m going to be getting back SO MUCH from D in way of his gratitude that I’m going to be the most prized and showered with affection and romance woman on the planet.    

Stage Four – Fuck it, let’s do it

D and I talked and talked endlessly about this stuff, almost to the point that it was all we ever talked about.  At one point I finally just said, “I’m creating a Tinder account and I’m going to go on a date…fuck it.”  Did I still have reservations?  Hell yes.  Did part of me think that when I finally said I’d do it, D would say “No baby, don’t do it”?  Hell yes.  Well, that didn’t happen…I opened the profile and within about 2 hours I had a date set up with a man for dinner.  I still half expected D to stop me before I actually went through with it, but he didn’t, and I did.  We had dinner and we made out by the car, and I didn’t go home with him.  I think from that point forward, D was sort of hooked on the Hotwife idea.  

Originally, I admit, I brought up the idea to scare him.  He had only ever talked about doing things together and I figured that me doing something on my own would scare the crap out of him and make him realize he wanted me all to himself.  This is when the real learning really began.  I’ve learned that D is just one of those men who enjoys the idea of his partner being with other people.  He gets turned on by it, he gets “jealous”, but not the same kind of jealous that most people do – meaning not to the point that he wants me to stop, but rather urges me to continue.  I continue because I want to make him happy…and because at this point it’s kind of part of who we are.  I realize that D just isn’t a “monogamy” guy, and he probably won’t ever be.  So…all of these things happened over the course of the last few years, and I went through different emotions all the way through it.

In reality…not everything I thought actually happened the way I thought that it would, both on the positive and the negative side.  The reality of a thing is usually always different from the fantasy, and things that you plan for or promise don’t always happen, but the journey has been one of major self discovery and it hasn’t been completely without it’s perks.  

Back to the question…  Did I ever look down on D for his fantasies?  No, I didn’t.  That’s not to say that I share them – him with another woman would break my heart because I love him too much to see that happen.  I think it’s that love, though, that allowed me to listen to him and try to understand what he wanted, and to ultimately do something I never thought I would do.  If you and your wife are solid and you can communicate, you should be able to express to her your desires.  She should also be able to say “no” if that’s her decision.  The fact that she already thinks you’re “not one of those guys” means you have a little extra work ahead of you, but it’s not impossible.  You should definitely speak with her and be completely honest about the things that turn you on…lying and hiding are never the answers.  I do wish you luck…and go easy on your wife, she’s going to go through all of the feelings I did, and it’s not easy for most women to understand, accept and then actually “do”.