Life with multiple sclerosis

My battle with illness has been long and difficult, and it is far from over.

Although I know I will live with this battle for the rest of my life, the strength I have discovered and the lessons I have learned have taught me more about myself than I ever thought possible.

Looking back, I realize I spent much of my childhood fighting a battle that nobody could see.

I lived with pain from a very young age. Most people dismissed it as growing pains or simply part of being a child. My mother, however, was different. She saw my suffering and refused to ignore it. She took me from doctor to doctor, searching for answers. Yet despite her determination, we were always met with the same response:

"We don't know."

As the years passed, I learned to hide more than just physical pain.

I buried my depression and anxiety deep inside myself because I feared people would see me differently than they already did. I worried they would judge me, make fun of me, or think I was weak.

When I was in fifth grade, I began seeing a psychologist. I was often sad, especially when I wasn't distracted by play or activity. The moment I slowed down, I became aware of how much my body hurt.

The 1970s and 1980s were different times. Few people seemed willing to believe that a child could be struggling with chronic pain, anxiety, depression, and emotional distress all at once. Even many of the professionals my mother sought help from seemed unable to understand what I was experiencing.

Everyone appeared too certain of their own opinions to admit they didn't have the answers.

So I learned to survive.

I put on a smile.

I laughed.

I acted upbeat.

I convinced the world that everything was fine while quietly carrying burdens that felt far too heavy for a child.

Today, I believe I may have been living with the early signs of what would eventually become Multiple Sclerosis, or perhaps another condition that contributed to it. Whatever the cause, I have spent my entire life battling physical pain and emotional wounds.

Like many people, I was taught to hide my suffering. I was told not to complain about every ache and pain. I learned that showing sadness, fear, or vulnerability was a sign of weakness.

Boys weren't supposed to cry.

Boys weren't supposed to complain.

Even though I was naturally sensitive and emotional, I learned to conceal those parts of myself from the world.

The physical pain was always there.

I honestly cannot remember a time in my life when my legs didn't hurt.

Yet despite the pain, I was an extremely active child. I spent hours outside every day. During the summers, I swam for hours at a time. I rode my skateboard and bicycle endlessly. I played tag, hide-and-seek, and every game imaginable. I wrestled with my brother and my friends whenever I had the chance.

Looking back now, I often wonder if my constant movement was my way of escaping the pain.

The only times I truly felt it were when I sat still.

I vividly remember lying on the floor and punching my legs in an attempt to make the pain stop. Sometimes I punched behind my knees until I was covered in bruises. I wasn't acting out. I wasn't seeking attention.

I was desperate.

I simply wanted relief.

When the explanations of "growing pains" no longer seemed sufficient, my mother continued searching for answers. She took me to countless appointments and specialists.

Unfortunately, the result was almost always the same.

No diagnosis.

No explanation.

No answers.

As I grew older, I continued trying to make sense of myself and my place in the world.

I wasn't raised in an environment that encouraged honesty, yet honesty became one of my strongest values. I wanted to be truthful. I wanted to be someone people could trust.

Sometimes that put me at odds with the adults around me.

I witnessed behavior that didn't align with the values I believed in. I saw people wear masks and create versions of themselves that weren't real. I didn't want to become that person.

Instead, I looked toward the people I admired most—my mother, my grandfather, and others who demonstrated kindness, understanding, and integrity.

Without realizing it, I began raising myself.

I became my own teacher.

My own mentor.

In many ways, I became my own father.

I learned what respect, loyalty, honesty, and truthfulness meant by quietly observing the world around me. I listened carefully. I absorbed the lessons that felt right and discarded the ones that didn't.

I took the good and left behind the hatred, anger, judgment, and cruelty.

That process never truly ends.

Even today, I am still learning.

One lesson I have learned is that not everyone thrives in the same environment.

Some people flourish where they were raised.

Others do not.

Our surroundings matter more than we realize. The air we breathe, the food we eat, the stress we carry, the relationships we maintain, and the beliefs we adopt all influence our health and well-being.

What works for one person may not work for another.

I spent much of my life living under stress, fear, anxiety, and emotional suppression. Looking back, I cannot help but wonder how much those experiences affected my health.

When I reflect on my journey—from childhood to adulthood and eventually to a Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis—I notice a common theme.

For years, I covered wounds instead of healing them.

I placed Band-Aids over cuts that needed treatment.

I accepted easy answers to difficult questions.

I ignored deeper issues because nobody seemed willing to acknowledge them.

An untreated wound eventually scars.

The same is true for emotional pain.

Words leave scars.

Disbelief leaves scars.

Being ignored leaves scars.

When trusted adults repeatedly dismiss a child's suffering, those experiences leave marks that can last a lifetime.

Eventually, I stopped bleeding.

Eventually, I shut down.

But healing has taught me something important.

The things that once harmed me no longer deserve a place in my life.

I work hard to remove as much toxicity as possible. Whether it comes from unhealthy food, environmental factors, stress, negative influences, or destructive relationships, I do my best to limit its presence in my world.

I choose peace when possible.

I choose growth.

I choose healing.

I believe our environment plays a significant role in our health. What we eat, where we live, the quality of our relationships, and the emotional atmosphere around us all contribute to our well-being.

My journey has led me to question everything.

And I continue to search for answers.

Some paths lead to dead ends.

Others reveal pieces of the puzzle.

Every answer I find helps me better understand my illness, my past, and myself.

This journey is ongoing.

My battle continues.

Yet with every step forward, every lesson learned, and every possibility explored, the picture becomes a little clearer.

My life remains a delicate chaos, filled with questions, discoveries, setbacks, and growth.

There are still many things I do not fully understand.

But I have learned that not finding the answer does not mean I am on the wrong path.

Don’t drown in your own sympathies

Don’t drain your emotions by worrying if you did something wrong or did not understand something in your past.

It will only eat all the positive energy in your soul leaving you with only an angry soul.

Your past is always a lesson, (listen to it and accept it for what it is.)

Although your past may sometimes be very hard to handle, you can handle it.

Remember you are strong, loving, caring and understanding.

These characteristics shine like no other light and give so much strength they can feed an army of 1,000 men.

Accept your past for what it is and release it to the universe, your universe is your protector and it will be kind or erase whatever you need it to once you have accepted reality and learn to let it go.

Trust in our mother to help you rid these toxins and help rebuild your soul for others to feed off of and thrive.

Remember to never burn your candle from both ends for strength is at its strongest in concentration.

“Live to be challenged by thoughts and not be cornered by words.”

Thoughts of inspiration

To complain of nothing, I learn

Knowing to change is acceptance.

Accept any changes in your life (good or bad.)

And always embrace new ideas giving them a full chance to help guide you on a new road.

Embrace all paths giving to you they are meant as a lesson of what to do and what never to do again.

Learn to rid all negativity in life, including negative people and even your own negative energies.

Write them on paper, burn it and chant “I am free, I set you free, to be free are you as I.”

Jealousy is negative complaining that will eat your soul alive.

Let it go, let it be free from you anymore.

You have a beautiful life that is filled with trust and strength to name a few.

You have nothing to be jealous of, and you want no one to be jealous of you.

Set them free, let them be free.

Once your life is in balance and you are truly a free spirit you have no use for any control.

Submit your control to the universe, trust your mother to now guide your refreshed and reborn soul through this earth.

Let her walk you through lessons.

Let her build your strengths from concurring all you once feared.

Let her open your eyes so you see all surprises in the light allowing you to be prepared for anything in your life’s path.

Give your mother, our universe full control and unconditional trust for your life’s route.

You are strong enough to accept her decisions, you are trusting enough to face her challenges.

Accept her guidance and her light for all your decisions made from now until eternity.

Thoughts of inspiration

We all may feel pain, but the strong will let it go.

To be strong is to recognize pain, not to ignore it.

You truly will not heal your wound by placing it in your shadows.

Simply it will just stay there, open and waiting to spread its infection on you every day until it is sutured.

Recognize your pain, feel it, become it, understand it.

Then let it go, allowing it to leave your presence while allowing its once wound to scab over and create a scar.

Let this scar not only remind you of your past pains, but also of your strength that you have moved on from that point of life and are now on a more clearly focused path to the life you have been waiting for all this time.

Pain comes from many different sources, such as work environments, social events all the way down to our own family and friends.

Pain can be caused from many emotions such as sadness, anger, uncertainty, anticipation

And many more.

Pain is not always brought on from bad times or thoughts, it is also caused from over thinking and wanting the best outcome of certain things or for certain people.

Or even the rushing of time so you can find an answer on an important topic in your life.

This is fine, again accept it, live it, learn from it and let it go. It is a process of a healthy life.

Pain teaches us we can learn so much from any and all situations and is needed in our lives for a healthy knowledge of ourselves and our peers.

It helps us be authentic, not only to ourselves but to others as well helping build trust in humanity in all.

It also helps us move forward in peace once we learn to let it go.

We learn from pain, to heal in peace taking one breath at a time and live in truth and harmony among all who we encounter along our journey.

Thoughts of inspiration

Closure

We all experience hardships throughout our lives (this is a fact), and no matter what your hardships are really need no explanation to anyone.

You know what they are and how they affected you or maybe still affecting you to this day in your everyday life.

We all just want to heal and feel good about ourselves (I truly believe this to be true.)

Sometimes we either don’t know where to look or haven’t looked in the right areas for the answers we need to succeed for our search in a certain type of closure (whatever it may be.)

Closure comes to those who not only understand themselves but also their surroundings as well.

“Only those who believe and trust in their mind's decision, can truly believe in their own vision.

Once we get our true vision is once we can accept this vision, letting it become an everyday reality in our lives.

Then and only then will we see a true sense of a serene humanity that we are all meant to live with every day.”

Thoughts of inspiration

Toxicity

There are people who focus on nothing but the worst in life.Their only intentions are to point out the bad in life while acting the victim in search of sympathy.Personally, I call these people bullies.

They make others feel uncomfortable for actions they never did and for thoughts they never had.We are all one and each of us plays a unique role to make up this world.Let's thrive on being who we are - today, not what we once did yesterday or the days before.

We all have made big to bigger mistakes which we have learned from.

There is no reason to keep living out a bad time in our lives to create such negativity every day in our lives.

Not only affecting us but also affecting the surrounding lives of the people who support us.Negativity will never be considered as the truth.

Only facts can be the truth and should be the story.

If we cannot tell our story without negativity, then maybe we need to re-read the pages and straighten out our facts from fiction.

“Our strength in truth lies in the back of our mind. Cowardin to the back further and further until once it is finally released, heard and spoken. Showing how strong it truly is by never fearing being held back again, now that it is unleashed.”

Thoughts of inspiration

To rain in love

Rain – not today

But soon may you fall

To bathe the roses

Hear the sparrows call.

The sun, the rain

The morning's dew

Is all this day needs

Besides us two.

Nature's vision

Two birds in the sky

Sounds they sing

To their audience

Of you and I.

Flowering stems from one another’s heart

Connection to our soul

Never shall we part.

Vivid in color

As our life story is told

Eyes speaking softly

Our hearts, laced in gold.

   Thoughts of inspiration

To rain in love

Live in this moment

Please make it last

For too soon all these memories

Will make up our past.

Our future of dreams

Our past memories goal

Having one another’s hand

For each to hold.

Paint the sky

With limbs from the trees so high above

Paint to our minds

The floating memories

In visions of love.

Thoughts of inspiration

To rain in love

Prayers to the rain

For you and I 

Spreading truth in love

For all to follow and find.

Love one another in our times of need

Believe in each soul

To their hearts: (may they see.)

Wish never in harm

May you fall all so deep

Into the heart of another

In which so hard you seek.

“May our thoughts always be heard, never allowing our words to be misused or miss spoken by others.”

Thoughts of inspiration

Becoming gracious

Gratitude is a great way to show respect to our universe (our mother.)

To be grateful for our lives and for the choices that we have made.

To be grateful in all we make (with a grateful mind.) allowing us to be kinder and more mindful in all of our decisions.

Gratification is not only carried in our soul but is just as infectious and uplifting on our peers.

Gratitude is infectious (highly) in our mind bringing happiness and understanding between each of us.

Such happiness and positivity being grateful possesses a great strength and shows not only inside of us but shines on our outer skin as well.

Gratitude when taken seriously will actually alter one’s mind releasing the body’s chemicals allowing your mind to think freely while living longer and healthier.

“We should always be pleased with our outcome for trying something.

It is ours, our accomplishment (no matter how small.) or our failure (no matter how big.)

It is yours and no one else, so stop comparing it to others and learn to accept it for being yours.”

Thoughts of inspiration

I love you, but understand my job is me

I cannot save you or fix you, but I can offer solid advice among what I know as facts.

What I have seen and witnessed are the things I will share with you.

The truth is not always what we want to hear, but it is always what we need to hear.

I will be here for you waiting with my truth, that I know.

I know I may not be able to do it all, but I know who I can ask for help or advice.

Once I have done it, I will educate you so you may teach as well.

I need to stay alert with an open mind to stay true and updated on my strength.

May my knowledge and my trust shine down on you in times of desperation.

Teaching you the value of honesty and understanding even in trying hard to read times.

My focus needs to be me, I need to be enlightened daily by myself.

If I cannot enlighten myself then I need to work harder on my goals for strength, motivation and self-devotion.

I need to stay focused on myself, in order to help those in need properly with a strong sense of freedom and truth.

None of us need to be saved by another, we need to save ourselves.

Build our strength, build our trust and truth in ourselves.

We need to do this not just today but every day to better ourselves and our society.

If we all believe in ourselves, we all can build a trust which ultimately builds a strength in unity for a well-rounded mindful abundance of encouraging human energy.

Then mother earth will grow freely and wildly giving us thanks for the positive energy to help life grow and shine.

I show my love to you and the universe by loving myself.

There is so much to weigh, guess and do again. Once you have a formula that works for the day does not mean any other day this formula will even come close in helping.

Knowing you are trying your best to balance all that's thrown your way and believing you have some answers and understanding how to deal with symptoms you are having is hard to celebrate victory when there's always a slew waiting to test you over and over.