i lost you to the summerwind

It's been quite some time since I have felt the weight of my depression and anxiety this heavily. Long gone are the periods of my life when day after day, I would muster just enough energy to cross the threshold of my dorm room, before collapsing into a puddle of wild, unyielding sobs on the floor. The moments when I felt everything and nothing all at the same time, often for months on end. Damaging relationships with great regret because I didn't know how to cope. I still don't know how I made it out of college on time. High-functioning depressive I suppose. And while I know many tools to not only manage my depression, but to bloom with it, despite it, sometimes it's not enough. At times these monsters, my monsters, seep back into my life. Typically it's situational and short-lived — but when it's not I grow fearful. What if I'm above to experience a big wave of depression that permeates throughout my whole life? I'm already starting to feel that magnetic force, pulling me to bed for days on end. The daily internal battle to convince myself to go to work. To take care of the dogs, to take care of myself, to simply be present. The weight of strained friendships, of work uneasiness, the Stanford rape trail which hits all too close to home, on top of an already weakened foundation thanks to depression and anxiety is a little too much to bear. Remember. You have support. You have the tools. Reach out. This too shall pass, I hope.

me: but i AM terrified of failure