Calling out the Cray? or taking mental illness lightly?
Please excuse any rambling here, its more a stream of consciousness than a considered essay.
There is a lot said about people being ‘Cray’ in various fandoms. I’ve yet to touch on a fandom that doesn’t develop factions and cliches within a few months of its inception, and there is invariably infighting and hateful behaviour on all sides.
It’s easy to label people as Cray or Nutters because they don’t agree with your point of view or they seem overly invested in their own opinion, but at the core of all the arguments and hate is the same simple issue. The right to an opinion.
We are all entitled to an opinion. When people feel so threatened by someone else’s opinion that they have to resort to bullying and threats of violence to defend their own opinion it must raise the question of whether they are as secure in that opinion as they want others to believe.
Fandom is a closed society, people from all backgrounds and walks of life are thrown together by a single common interest, and initially that interest is unifying. However, as with any closed societies, when differences occur they quickly develop to what seem like an insurmountable problems.
On a fundamental level fandom is no different to religion, people following the same common idol develop and grow in different directions, each sub group believes it’s own way is the right way, and no one is prepared to hear that they are wrong.
People who know who I am will know which fandoms I’m involved with and I’m sure some people will have wondered at my lack of clear public statement on my views in more than one of those fandoms.
I may occasionally make vague statements about the state of the media industry, forum behaviour and general trolling online. I may also bite back occasionally, but this is more likely to be when I see someone being attacked than when those attacks are directed at me.
I’ve been through an abusive relationship, there is very little chance that anything anyone says about me online is going to affect me at this point. I’m long beyond the point where a badly worded insult is going to affect me any further than making me laugh. Until the haters are on my door step with a fist in my face they have no ability to hurt me. Even that would hardly touch on what I’ve already been through, and the police are easy to call, my brother in law is only a mile away after all.
I understand from several years of abuse and thorough training in psychology and counselling that the underlying cause of bullying and abusive behaviour is, usually, the low self esteem and insecurity of the bully. responding directly only reinforces that behaviour.
Bullying isn’t something I’m prepared to give in to anymore.
I know this isn’t the case for everyone, some people are deeply affected by the behaviour directed at them online. I’ve know people to take their own life becauseof online bullying and it’s not something I’m prepare to see happen to my friends.
Taking a step back and looking at fandom dispassionately makes it quite clear that the majority of people don’t really care about anything other than the initial thing that attracted them, be that an album, film, book or something else. In any fandom there will be a core percentage of 'devoted’ fans, those who do all they can within their budget to support their idol, and within that core percentage there will be the people who believe themselves to be the definitive fan, the 'superfans’.
These 'superfans’ vary from genuinely devoted fans who do no harm, but spend more than they can afford, and are sometimes liked and recogised by their idol, to the unfortunately unstable who are a danger to everyone else and themselves and who are unable to recognise or accept that they are not a part of their idols life and have no claim on them. In between these two extremes are a full spectrum of strange, wonderful and sometimes scary characters that we are all guilty of laughing at on occasion, even if we are sometimes one of them.
The problems come when we fail to see that we are a part of that group and stop being able to laugh at ourselves. I am aware that hanging around stage doors and googling every little thing i hear mark me as an obsessed fan on occasion, but I can also laugh at myself afterwards and move on.
I don’t need to 'fit in’ to be secure in my fanish obsessions, I like what I like and I’m not going to stop because my friends don’t like it, so people I dont know certainly arent going to stop me either. I’m not going to actively seek out and harass people who don’t agree with me, although I will defend my views when challenged in a bullying or negative way. If I taunt or mock the groups of bullies that collectively harass individuals, it’s to draw their attention away from more vulnerable people.
And if those groups of bullies want to call me 'Cray’ I’ll happily admit to my Mental Illness, I feel no shame in a serotonin imbalance i have no control over.
There is a name for my Cray, Post Traumatic Stress induced Schizotypal personality disorder with an underlying high function autistic spectrum disorder. Surprised?
In practice this means I have wicked mood swings, a temper you don’t want to argue with, a tendency to OCD and very little subconscious ability to judge people. I have to put constant and conscious effort into not invading other peoples personal space, because i swing wildly from having none at all to not wanting to be in the same room with other people. I can be antisocial, sociopathic and narcisistic or overly affectionate, clingy and intrusive. It depends on what sort of day I’m having.
As a result of always being consciously aware of body language, facial expression and tone of voice I can usually sell anything to anybody, but I don’t form solid first impressions so I distrust everyone until I’m sure of them. Online contacts let me form an impression and settle into friendships before meeting people, which is helpful. My lack of personal space means I give the impression of flirting when I’m not or of being uptight and standoffish when I control myself.
I’ve been on antidepressants for more years than I can count. My Schizotypal disorder doesn’t mean I have voices in my head, but I can be unpredictable, even to myself.
In the past I’ve been promiscuous, violent, withdrawn and suicidal. All of which I now have a handle on thanks mainly to prescription medications.
The majority of people never notice there is anything different about me, I don’t introduce myself with 'Hi, I have a mental illness, pleased to meet you’
As my diagnosis and most of my coping strategies are thanks to my psychology professor you wont even find much of it on my medical records. My own doctor deals with the depressive elements by dishing out pills and dutifully offering the 6 NHS counselling sessions every year. The rest I cope with in my own ways.
One of the things I’ve learned over many years, through hard experience, is to never explicitly express my opinion on anything without long and careful consideration.
I make exceptions to this, Homophobia, Racism and sexual descrimination will get a short sharp responce and it wont be nice. but mostly I keep my opinions to myself unless someone is looking for reassurance or validation, In which case I will defend their right to that opinion and the evidence for it.
I am sure of my opinions but others reactions to them do not define me, if I am prove wrong by clear evidence or statement I will happily admit to that, its not going to ruin my life. Equally if I am proved right in the same way I’m not going to crow about it and throw hate at people who disagree with me.
Make of that what you will. I dont care what your opinion is on any subject, I will defend your right to hold that opinion as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. But use your opinion to bully, hate or troll and you’ve lost my respect permanently.
And one final note on my mental state, 17 years of crap does occasionally rear up and bite me on the arse, on those occasions I dont seem like me to the people around me, thats because I’m not usually that person anymore, but she’s still here and her insecurities are a part of me I dont always acknowledge or recognise. If I sometimes seem to be falling apart, just wait it out and be nice, ok?
I suppose the point of this whole ramble is to try and make you think twice before you say some one is 'nuts’ of 'crazy’ some of us are, and its not something to take lightly. If you’ve ever complained that saying something is 'gay’ is wrong, take a moment before you use 'mental’ as an insult.
Personally, I’ll probably use it to insult people in the same way as I occasionally use 'freak’, 'chunky’ and occasionally 'dozy bitch' all of which have applied to me at some point :D It’s not nearly as offensive if you are the thing you’re using as an insult.
