fizzycherrycola

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THEY'RE HERRRRE!!! 12PM ON THE DOT BABY USPS FUCKIN KILLIN IT

why do i hate myself more when i'm being active and healthy. i felt better walking 30-45 minutes daily in the morning living off coffee and half a sweet potato than i do going to the gym taking two yoga classes a week and eating normally. i'm stronger and heavier and more flexible than i was this time last year but it doesn't feel worth it at all because i still feel so shitty about myself all the time. 80 pounds was a dream compared to 87 pounds now so all i'm asking is to be that again but without the mold poisoning/starving (2025) and without whatever the fuck this yoga routine is doing to me (2026) i hate going to the gym for my classes because i'm afraid everything is dirty (even though the studio very actively keeps things cleaned) and i can't stand laying on the floor and reaching outside my mat when we need to. i always feel bad for a few days after the classes and it doesn't feel like the satisfying 'i'm tired and sore and in the process of recovering' feeling that i remember having when i used to dance or weight lift. i feel sick but it's just body weight exercises. it's been a month and a half of consistent sundays & wednesdays. why should i feel this awful? i hate the flesh on my body and i hate the way i photograph i hate leaving the house and being seen. 'getting healthy' feels like a psyop i feel manipulated and lied to all to achieve the body someone else prefers but i'm the one who asked for the membership so it's my fault anyway. i can't quit because i'm not the one paying for it. i regret asking for it. it was all a waste :)